Page 12 | 'They need to spend time with us alone'

Loco323 · 2022-05-09T14:20:41+00:00

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12. We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. Basically he was saying *we* need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us. I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me. My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so. I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... [hmm] what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me. They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me. Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

mynameisbrian · 09/05/2022 19:56

god i have been on MN for a while, step mums get berated for being too involved, told to encourage 121 time between dad and children, told off for having an opinion and you should back off. Now your meant to hand the younger two off to your parents and spend time with the older two with their dad. Seems he isnt too keen in doing the lone parenting as your a woman and should be doing your share. he should be spending time with his older DC to ensure they are not feeling side lined. You do not need to be part of that. As a step child i wanted to see my dad not his wife or kids.....

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 19:56

UniversalAunt · 09/05/2022 19:55

You knew that he had children when you met, when you got together, when you decided to have children with him.

Your two DC have two siblings, that they are half siblings is moot, & these four children have relationships will last a lifetime, indeed long after you & their have gone.

It is in your best interests now & for the far longer term to build close bonds, at least friendly & accepting, at best loyal & loving, between you & your step children. Encourage closeness & fun between all four children now. This takes time spent together & an investment of goodwill. You have a window of opportunity before the 9 & 12yo crash the teen years, become independent, less interested in family & family relationships can become fraught. Don’t put yourself at a disadvantage by avoiding closer engagement before they hit the teens, & any distance you set now becomes the fertile ground for future resentments. Teens have a special penetrating disdain for parents, even more so for step parents.

You have your hands & heart full of your two DC right now, but have a rethink & look to the longer term.

I'm sure they'll have really close bonds when ops children are continuously pushed out in favour of the step kids.... A surefire way to build strong relationships.

Original poster

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 19:57

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 19:36

You are calling those children spoilt because he is trying to compensate for them having to grow up without their father with them every day. Which would you choose for your children? Growing up in the home with their father, or a Disney dad? Those first children aren't the winners here.

I didn't say they were the winners. I said he overcompensates out of guilt and spoils them. Believe it or not, it doesn't actually make a nice environment for ANY of us when he's always doing it.

OP posts:

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 19:58

He wants the OP to spend more time with them because she spends less time with them than she did before. This doesn't affect the amount of time HE spends with his younger children because he already spends less time with them when he does stuff with just his older children

As you're typing that out can you not see how absolutely absurd it is?

He wants his wife to spend less time with her own children, because if he neglects them, so should she. Jesus Christ.

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 19:58

@Tinyleopard

If you don’t think a grown woman putting aside her feelings for one day a month about a situation which she choose to create - to help her step kids who are in a situation they didn’t choose (in large part because of her) is important then I pity any step kids of anyone who shares your attitude. Add to this that they are the children and she is the adult and most mature people can see why their feelings should come first for one day of a bloody month.

This being all about the younger children is just an empty justification for her not doing this. In reality the younger children live with her and him 24/7 - so they are already being treated far differently and getting much more time with them and with them alone.

As for being “part of the problem”. Lol, typical Mumsnet hyperbole. Part of what problem?

AskingforaBaskin · 09/05/2022 19:59

MancLass76 · 09/05/2022 19:37

What was your relationship like with your step children before your biological came along? How much time did you spend with them?
If you have pulled back I can see how they’d feel pushed out now and the age gap will likely play a part as well. We have children 9 and 5 and we find we have to call in grandparents sometimes as what they want to do doesn’t match age wise or interest wise.
It does sound like you’re trying to find excuses and over-exaggerate the impact, going to the cinema or even watching a film at home with toddler/baby being a distraction or going bowling isn’t going to take all weekend and will be a couple of hours.
I get you work full time but you also chose a man who already had children and it’s not their fault you then had children of your own. It’s not forever and in a few years as they get older they maybe won’t want to spend as much time with you all or will have other things they want to do on a weekend.

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But she does spend a lot of time with them. There is no need at all for her to burden her parents to give over more time

Hutchy16 · 09/05/2022 19:59

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 19:46

@Hutchy16

Those poor kids… you might as well say you have a new family and they get in the way.

Your husband is being 100 reasonable and you are being absolutely awful.

Agree 100% and feel sorry for those kids who end up with those with similar attitudes (or even worse as some display here).

OP clearly didn’t agree with me. They had my post removed lol.

all I did was tell her that I found her to be the most unreasonable person on mumsnet…we are on the AIBU thread…so I told her she was unreasonable lol

AskingforaBaskin · 09/05/2022 20:00

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 19:58

@Tinyleopard

If you don’t think a grown woman putting aside her feelings for one day a month about a situation which she choose to create - to help her step kids who are in a situation they didn’t choose (in large part because of her) is important then I pity any step kids of anyone who shares your attitude. Add to this that they are the children and she is the adult and most mature people can see why their feelings should come first for one day of a bloody month.

This being all about the younger children is just an empty justification for her not doing this. In reality the younger children live with her and him 24/7 - so they are already being treated far differently and getting much more time with them and with them alone.

As for being “part of the problem”. Lol, typical Mumsnet hyperbole. Part of what problem?

It is completely uncessary. She spends plenty of time with them and why should her parents have to facilitate this?

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 20:01

Thing is, if he lives with the OP's kids full-time and spends less time with them when his kids visit, because he's trying to spend some quality time with his kids who he doesn't see all the time - the OP's kids are still getting more of him

His kids @alltheteeshirts not ops kids. His own children. They're not getting more of him if he works ft. How much quality time do you get during the week? Barely any.

And whenever he's not spending time with one set because he's spending time with the other - the OP is there, fussing over her children. It's not as if when he prioritises his time with one set that the other are locked in a cupboard. They always get the focus of at least one involved parent

Presumably that's exactly the same for the step kids who have an actual mother they live with.

It might not be perfect, but blended families rarely are. They just have to find the balance that works the best for them

It's not perfect, it's a car crash and he'll end up with one set of children who want nowt to do with him and it won't be the step kids.

Original poster

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 20:02

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 19:44

I don't see why it's stupid for him to show his older children that they are still important to him. I don't see why it's wrong for him to treat them to things. If he's not doing that with his younger two, then that's a separate issue. You don't make that equal by treating the older two worse. Calling them spoilt because he neglects his younger kids is nasty.

What the actual fuck are you talking about? I didn't say he should treat them worse? In fact this whole thread all I've been talking about is how I wish he would treat our DC the same. Where have I said I think the DSC should get less?

I called them spoilt BECAUSE HE SPOILS THEM. He knows he does, he says as much himself.

Keep twisting though. It's fine.

OP posts:

Original poster

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 20:03

Hutchy16 · 09/05/2022 19:59

OP clearly didn’t agree with me. They had my post removed lol.

all I did was tell her that I found her to be the most unreasonable person on mumsnet…we are on the AIBU thread…so I told her she was unreasonable lol

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I didn't do anything of the sort. Someone else must have. I really don't care if a stranger on MN thinks I'm the most unreasonable person on here. I'll still sleep, don't worry.

OP posts:

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 20:03

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 19:58

@Tinyleopard

If you don’t think a grown woman putting aside her feelings for one day a month about a situation which she choose to create - to help her step kids who are in a situation they didn’t choose (in large part because of her) is important then I pity any step kids of anyone who shares your attitude. Add to this that they are the children and she is the adult and most mature people can see why their feelings should come first for one day of a bloody month.

This being all about the younger children is just an empty justification for her not doing this. In reality the younger children live with her and him 24/7 - so they are already being treated far differently and getting much more time with them and with them alone.

As for being “part of the problem”. Lol, typical Mumsnet hyperbole. Part of what problem?

The problem of people treating their own children like shit. That problem. You obviously think that's okay. Good for you. I don't.

You can deny deny deny it affects the younger kids, but of course it does. Having a dad who treats you like a second class citizen doesn't affect you? Really?

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 20:03

@Hutchy16

Like many who post on Mumsnet, she wants to be agreed with by a bunch of like minded women so she can say and think “see everyone agrees with what I want to do” - which is why she posted on Mumsnet and not some forum for step kids or dads with blended families. But even when n a place biased toward them many can’t handle anyone not providing support for whatever the f they want.

in reality she had no intention of hearing anything to the contrary so Im not surprised your post was removed.

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 20:04

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 19:58

He wants the OP to spend more time with them because she spends less time with them than she did before. This doesn't affect the amount of time HE spends with his younger children because he already spends less time with them when he does stuff with just his older children

As you're typing that out can you not see how absolutely absurd it is?

He wants his wife to spend less time with her own children, because if he neglects them, so should she. Jesus Christ.

Calm yourself. I didn't say he was right. I'm saying the OP's issue should be with how he treats her children less. His behaviour is not the fault of the stepchildren. There is no need to have any kind of negative attitude towards the elder children. They are just children. They are at the mercy of the adults around them. None of this is their fault. Just because he spoils them doesn't make them spoilt.

Original poster

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 20:05

And whenever he's not spending time with one set because he's spending time with the other - the OP is there, fussing over her children. It's not as if when he prioritises his time with one set that the other are locked in a cupboard. They always get the focus of at least one involved parent

You mean like my step kids get with their Mum? 🤣🤣

OP posts:

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 20:05

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 20:03

@Hutchy16

Like many who post on Mumsnet, she wants to be agreed with by a bunch of like minded women so she can say and think “see everyone agrees with what I want to do” - which is why she posted on Mumsnet and not some forum for step kids or dads with blended families. But even when n a place biased toward them many can’t handle anyone not providing support for whatever the f they want.

in reality she had no intention of hearing anything to the contrary so Im not surprised your post was removed.

The post was removed because it was a personal attack. And if she wanted solidarity for being a step mum she's come to the wrong place, this board is not known for being supportive, as your lovely comments have proved.

Hutchy16 · 09/05/2022 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RockLampSalt · 09/05/2022 20:06

@Tinyleopard - Your posting style is so similar to the OPs…

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 20:06

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 20:04

Calm yourself. I didn't say he was right. I'm saying the OP's issue should be with how he treats her children less. His behaviour is not the fault of the stepchildren. There is no need to have any kind of negative attitude towards the elder children. They are just children. They are at the mercy of the adults around them. None of this is their fault. Just because he spoils them doesn't make them spoilt.

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That is literally the point she's making. Did you miss that?

Original poster

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 20:06

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 20:04

Calm yourself. I didn't say he was right. I'm saying the OP's issue should be with how he treats her children less. His behaviour is not the fault of the stepchildren. There is no need to have any kind of negative attitude towards the elder children. They are just children. They are at the mercy of the adults around them. None of this is their fault. Just because he spoils them doesn't make them spoilt.

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My issue IS with that...? Have you been reading the same thread? I've never said I want him to do less for them, just that it's obvious he treats them better than our DC. I even replied to you and said he should treat them the same!

OP posts:

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 20:07

RockLampSalt · 09/05/2022 20:06

@Tinyleopard - Your posting style is so similar to the OPs…

Haha, okay. Report me then!

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 20:07

@Tinyleopard

Again flimsy justification for not doing one thing for very differently aged step children to her own.

The step kids are between homes and now have new family to contend with - the young kids are there 24/7 and have far more alone time with them. Tell me again whose been treated like shit?
Actually don’t bother.

Original poster

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Potty mouth 🤣 okay mother sorry.

OP posts:

Hutchy16 · 09/05/2022 20:07

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 20:05

The post was removed because it was a personal attack. And if she wanted solidarity for being a step mum she's come to the wrong place, this board is not known for being supportive, as your lovely comments have proved.

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She asked for opinions not support…this is AIBU lol

anyway, she is being very rude to people with a different opinion than her…if you can take it don’t dish it out.

and on that note, I am off kisses

Original poster

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 20:08

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 20:03

@Hutchy16

Like many who post on Mumsnet, she wants to be agreed with by a bunch of like minded women so she can say and think “see everyone agrees with what I want to do” - which is why she posted on Mumsnet and not some forum for step kids or dads with blended families. But even when n a place biased toward them many can’t handle anyone not providing support for whatever the f they want.

in reality she had no intention of hearing anything to the contrary so Im not surprised your post was removed.

I didn't ask for her post to be removed.

OP posts: