Page 11 | 'They need to spend time with us alone'

Loco323 · 2022-05-09T14:20:41+00:00

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12. We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. Basically he was saying *we* need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us. I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me. My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so. I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... [hmm] what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me. They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me. Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

hellrabbitishere · 09/05/2022 19:32

MiddleParking · 09/05/2022 18:26

You know their father had that option, right? Turns out he doesn’t prefer single parenthood. Weird.

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i know middle parking its odd isnt it ? all these men out there that get divorced have kids and then remarry or get into another relationship , and the new women then has all the fun of suddenly becoming a step parent and she had better do it well mind or she will be judged not only by him , but by every other women going it would seem and yet women get divorced , raise their kids and for many it can be forever until they meet someone else , but still its not a mans world at all really lol

Blarting · 09/05/2022 19:32

YANBU

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 19:36

You are calling those children spoilt because he is trying to compensate for them having to grow up without their father with them every day. Which would you choose for your children? Growing up in the home with their father, or a Disney dad? Those first children aren't the winners here.

MancLass76 · 09/05/2022 19:37

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 16:03

Me working also means weekends that I do spend with my DC are precious. I probably meet with friends or go out with DH once a month for some adult only time. Doing this on top would mean I either don't do that or I spend two weekends out of 4 without my DC after working all week and relying on my parents to facilitate that.

What was your relationship like with your step children before your biological came along? How much time did you spend with them?
If you have pulled back I can see how they’d feel pushed out now and the age gap will likely play a part as well. We have children 9 and 5 and we find we have to call in grandparents sometimes as what they want to do doesn’t match age wise or interest wise.
It does sound like you’re trying to find excuses and over-exaggerate the impact, going to the cinema or even watching a film at home with toddler/baby being a distraction or going bowling isn’t going to take all weekend and will be a couple of hours.
I get you work full time but you also chose a man who already had children and it’s not their fault you then had children of your own. It’s not forever and in a few years as they get older they maybe won’t want to spend as much time with you all or will have other things they want to do on a weekend.

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2022 19:38

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 19:36

You are calling those children spoilt because he is trying to compensate for them having to grow up without their father with them every day. Which would you choose for your children? Growing up in the home with their father, or a Disney dad? Those first children aren't the winners here.

Children with seperated parents can still be spoilt by their parents. It doesn't help anyone if you are totally unable to view them from any other angle besides "victims of seperated parents". They are still people with all the complexities of any other person.

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 19:38

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 19:36

You are calling those children spoilt because he is trying to compensate for them having to grow up without their father with them every day. Which would you choose for your children? Growing up in the home with their father, or a Disney dad? Those first children aren't the winners here.

But they're not the only two options, are they? It's possible to not have your kids full time but to be a good, involved, kind parent and not spoil them or treat them as if they're more important than your resident children. Let's not normalise this stupid behaviour please.

Hutchy16 · 09/05/2022 19:42

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Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 19:44

@Tinyleopard

@aSofaNearYou

In case it wasn’t clear, I was obviously talking about the step childrens perspective on this being more important than OP’s.

Given that the other children are so young right now this won’t affect them, especially as older children are often taken out without much younger sibling even when both have the same parents.

I think saying one day the very young children will notice this and get upset is a flimsy justification for step mum simply not bothering - given that it’s something which won’t be happening for some time.

Lets get real, this has nothing to do with how the younger children might feel and everything to do with step Mums feelings vs her step kids. It’s unfourtunate that she can’t just suck it up at least even if she doesn’t really care and it’s unfortunate that so many would act the same in her situation.

I feel sorry for his kids and those in similar positions, already dealt a crappy hand with divorced parents and now a step parent who can’t be bothered to at least realise that their situation is harder than that of their bio kids whose parents live with them under the one roof and to act accordingly.

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 19:44

I don't see why it's stupid for him to show his older children that they are still important to him. I don't see why it's wrong for him to treat them to things. If he's not doing that with his younger two, then that's a separate issue. You don't make that equal by treating the older two worse. Calling them spoilt because he neglects his younger kids is nasty.

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 19:46

@Hutchy16

Those poor kids… you might as well say you have a new family and they get in the way.

Your husband is being 100 reasonable and you are being absolutely awful.

Agree 100% and feel sorry for those kids who end up with those with similar attitudes (or even worse as some display here).

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 19:46

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 19:44

@Tinyleopard

@aSofaNearYou

In case it wasn’t clear, I was obviously talking about the step childrens perspective on this being more important than OP’s.

Given that the other children are so young right now this won’t affect them, especially as older children are often taken out without much younger sibling even when both have the same parents.

I think saying one day the very young children will notice this and get upset is a flimsy justification for step mum simply not bothering - given that it’s something which won’t be happening for some time.

Lets get real, this has nothing to do with how the younger children might feel and everything to do with step Mums feelings vs her step kids. It’s unfourtunate that she can’t just suck it up at least even if she doesn’t really care and it’s unfortunate that so many would act the same in her situation.

I feel sorry for his kids and those in similar positions, already dealt a crappy hand with divorced parents and now a step parent who can’t be bothered to at least realise that their situation is harder than that of their bio kids whose parents live with them under the one roof and to act accordingly.

It was clear, I still don't agree with you. Op isn't less important than them, sorry.

If you can't see that this has everything to do with the younger children, then you're part of the problem.

It's not ok to treat older children better, and that's what he is proposing, because their parents arent together.

Hutchy16 · 09/05/2022 19:47

After reading all of OPs follow ups, I feel sorry for her husband and step kids. You are the most unreasonable person I have come across on this entire site, and I am
actually so angry that you are this selfish.

no wonder he thinks he needs to make an extra effort with his eldest two.

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 19:47

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 19:44

I don't see why it's stupid for him to show his older children that they are still important to him. I don't see why it's wrong for him to treat them to things. If he's not doing that with his younger two, then that's a separate issue. You don't make that equal by treating the older two worse. Calling them spoilt because he neglects his younger kids is nasty.

That isn't what he's doing. He's showing them they're more important than the smaller two. That's not okay.

Calling them spoilt if they're spoilt is fine.

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 19:48

@BadNomad

Why assume he left? Statistically speaking it’s more likely he was divorced not by his own choice.

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 19:48

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 19:47

That isn't what he's doing. He's showing them they're more important than the smaller two. That's not okay.

Calling them spoilt if they're spoilt is fine.

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He's not treating them any differently than he did before. It's his younger children that are being treated differently. The OP should be fighting for them, not fighting against her step-children.

DogsAndGin · 09/05/2022 19:49

Step fathers get slated for this attitude

AlisonDonut · 09/05/2022 19:50

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 19:04

@Tinyleopard

Nope, in this situation where a father has new children with a new partner and his older kids may feel awkward their perspective should matter most. It definetly should matter more than stepmum feeling some kind of way about doing something special for them to let them know they’re still loved once a month.

To put these childrens perspective as more important as a mature adult feelings in this situation is something most mature people would suck up and do.

He literally wants to get rid of the two younger kids. They still exist...

whenwilliwillibefamous · 09/05/2022 19:51

YANBU OP, in fact he needs to spend 1-1 time with each of them.
Child of divorce here, and I did eventually come to realize that, while my Dad always said he was keen to see us, it always ended up as "doing things in a group" and he never wanted to spend any time alone with either of us individually :(
Even as an adult, my stepmum was always there - it was as if he was afraid of us, afraid of having an actual close relationship with his own child.
My stepmum is perfectly nice but for personal topics, three's a crowd. I couldn't really have serious conversations about his family history (aka family disfunction) or his marriage to my mum and my early childhood while his wife or indeed my OH or anyone else was there!

So you are more than right. The kids deserve to have their Dad to themselves at times, and you are absolutely doing the right thing by making sure of it .

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 19:51

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 19:48

@BadNomad

Why assume he left? Statistically speaking it’s more likely he was divorced not by his own choice.

What? I never said anything about who left who.

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 19:51

@BadNomad he's introducing spending more time with them and less time with his other kids. It's a new thing, it's not the status quo so don't pretend it is. He's proposing spending less time with one set, to spend more with the other. Is that really okay?

alltheteeshirts · 09/05/2022 19:51

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Why? Of course she spends more time with her kids - not because they're her kids, but because they're younger and need more looking after.

She does spend time with her stepchildren, she doesn't make them scrub the kitchen in sackcloth, and she supports them spending quality time with their father (which takes away time from her as wife and from her kids as his other children).

MeridianB · 09/05/2022 19:52

You work full time and spend spare time with your two tiny children and your two much older step children. Why would he think you need to do more just for his children when he does nothing with your joint children?

I suspect he finds it much easier to parent his older children when you are there. And the VIP thing is borne out of guilt. He doesn’t need to buy their affection.

I’m sorry OP but it sounds like he’s behaving like a total idiot. Pouring so much time and emotion into a fake, Disney facade of parenting and family. He needs to step back, calm down and enjoy his own 1:2 time with his children when you’re not together as a family.

I’d be very clear that putting off activities for your joint DC until contact weekend is no longer an option.

UniversalAunt · 09/05/2022 19:55

You knew that he had children when you met, when you got together, when you decided to have children with him.

Your two DC have two siblings, that they are half siblings is moot, & these four children have relationships will last a lifetime, indeed long after you & their have gone.

It is in your best interests now & for the far longer term to build close bonds, at least friendly & accepting, at best loyal & loving, between you & your step children. Encourage closeness & fun between all four children now. This takes time spent together & an investment of goodwill. You have a window of opportunity before the 9 & 12yo crash the teen years, become independent, less interested in family & family relationships can become fraught. Don’t put yourself at a disadvantage by avoiding closer engagement before they hit the teens, & any distance you set now becomes the fertile ground for future resentments. Teens have a special penetrating disdain for parents, even more so for step parents.

You have your hands & heart full of your two DC right now, but have a rethink & look to the longer term.

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 19:56

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 19:51

@BadNomad he's introducing spending more time with them and less time with his other kids. It's a new thing, it's not the status quo so don't pretend it is. He's proposing spending less time with one set, to spend more with the other. Is that really okay?

He wants the OP to spend more time with them because she spends less time with them than she did before. This doesn't affect the amount of time HE spends with his younger children because he already spends less time with them when he does stuff with just his older children.

alltheteeshirts · 09/05/2022 19:56

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 19:51

@BadNomad he's introducing spending more time with them and less time with his other kids. It's a new thing, it's not the status quo so don't pretend it is. He's proposing spending less time with one set, to spend more with the other. Is that really okay?

Thing is, if he lives with the OP's kids full-time and spends less time with them when his kids visit, because he's trying to spend some quality time with his kids who he doesn't see all the time - the OP's kids are still getting more of him.

And whenever he's not spending time with one set because he's spending time with the other - the OP is there, fussing over her children. It's not as if when he prioritises his time with one set that the other are locked in a cupboard. They always get the focus of at least one involved parent.

It might not be perfect, but blended families rarely are. They just have to find the balance that works the best for them.