Page 10 | 'They need to spend time with us alone'

Loco323 · 2022-05-09T14:20:41+00:00

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12. We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. Basically he was saying *we* need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us. I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me. My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so. I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... [hmm] what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me. They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me. Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 19:03

RockLampSalt · 09/05/2022 19:01

“He won’t bother if they aren’t here that Sunday”. So you do get plenty of weekends without them to have “quality time” with your little ones. He is asking for the same for your step children.

Did you ever discuss this type of thing together before you had DC?

My DH is a step dad to my DC. We don’t have a separate child together - although we hope to in future.

We have talked about what that would mean for our family though and how the others would feel (particularly as they are at their dads EOW and the new baby would be with us full-time which could be hard for them).

He would absolutely not treat them as being any different (although I’m sure he would feel
some different feeling on some level with a biological child). He does plenty of one to one stuff with his step children, of different ages, and would absolutely continue to do so as he would want to and would be sensitive to their feelings.

We talked a lot about it, as having a new sibling would affect them and be a big decision after already going through divorce and changes.

However, my DH has known since day 1 that my DC and I come as a package. I wouldn’t have dreamt of marrying him if he had a “not my problem” attitude to them or hadn’t already developed strong, genuine and loving relationships with them.

If your DH didn’t look for that in you, or think very carefully before having children with you, and consider how you would behave as a step-mother then that is his problem really as he failed to prioritise his existing DC before starting a new family.

I think you're entirely missing the point there. Op is saying he basically makes no effort with the small children. Is that what you're planning on doing?

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 19:04

@Tinyleopard

Nope, in this situation where a father has new children with a new partner and his older kids may feel awkward their perspective should matter most. It definetly should matter more than stepmum feeling some kind of way about doing something special for them to let them know they’re still loved once a month.

To put these childrens perspective as more important as a mature adult feelings in this situation is something most mature people would suck up and do.

CornishGem1975 · 09/05/2022 19:06

I am a mum and a SM. I do spend time with my SC but rarely on 'our own' as we have a DC and I'm not going to send my DC somewhere else so I can spend time with my SC. It's my spare time and I look forward to spending it with DC after working all week. I actually think it's far more important that DH has time with his DC on HIS own, without me there. Pretty sure they don't want me there all the time anyway.

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 19:06

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 19:04

@Tinyleopard

Nope, in this situation where a father has new children with a new partner and his older kids may feel awkward their perspective should matter most. It definetly should matter more than stepmum feeling some kind of way about doing something special for them to let them know they’re still loved once a month.

To put these childrens perspective as more important as a mature adult feelings in this situation is something most mature people would suck up and do.

It really shouldn't. They are not more important. Most people realise that everyone in a family should be valued and nobody is the most important. You're basically inviting trouble putting them at the top.

Treat them all the same they say, except don't because the step kids are more important.

dottiedodah · 09/05/2022 19:08

I think your DH is being unreasonable here.He cannot expect your parents to babysit so you can see your SC surely. He will have to take them alone ,or arrange CC of his own!

Kennykenkencat · 09/05/2022 19:08

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 17:07

He acts like they are VIPs coming to stay with us. Even little subtle things like he'll make a big song and dance about making Sunday dinner for them/us but won't bother if they aren't here that Sunday.

They get whatever they want whenever they want it. Completely spoilt.

Are you sure you aren’t blaming the wrong person.

How your husband acts and what your husband does or doesn’t do is not their fault.

They might be quite happy with beans on toast occasionally but have got used to a full roast dinner. (Probably think you have that every Sunday)

They might ask for things but this again is up to your Dh. If he can’t say no to them then that is up to him and they have got so used to not being denied anything they probably don’t think about it.

You can’t make these children responsible for their fathers behaviour and attitude

CambsAlways · 09/05/2022 19:08

Agree with gamerchick on this one

Forgotthebins · 09/05/2022 19:11

As your posts have gone on, you have started to sound quite resentful of your DSC, calling them spoilt. It sounds as though things like negotiating a reasonable intensity of focused time for both pairs of kids are causing a lot of friction. Calling the DSC spoilt and saying that your DH invests more time with them compared to your own two does make it sound like there is an open conversation you need to have with your DH. Maybe one of the step-parenting charities has a counsellor who could help?

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2022 19:13

Tamzo85 · 09/05/2022 18:56

@aSofaNearYou

Shes looking at it from the child’s perspective, which should matter most.

Even setting aside the SM whose feelings on how to spend her time also matters, there are obviously other children who matter here.

In my view, being sent away regularly so your parents can spend time with older children without you has much more potential to be upsetting than your parents NOT sending other children away regularly to spend time with just you. There's no reason for any children to expect that.

RockLampSalt · 09/05/2022 19:13

@Tinyleopard

she said he hasn’t taken them to soft play and doesn’t make a fuss about big days out with them. Smaller DC don’t need that in the same way, they are perfectly happy pottering about in the garden, walking to a local park, playing with toys and watching Peppa pig at home etc..

Older DC need more focused time. The relationship needs to be nurtured and the connection kept, as they start to move towards their peers and are naturally less interested in “family time”. But they still need that, even if they have to be forced into it at times at first. Their home is their base and they need solid trusting relationships with all adults who live there.

If we have another baby, I absolutely will be prioritising the older ones for some time - on the weekends I have them, and sure DH would be too. They are the ones who feel pushed out and insecure with new siblings, and I did the same for my own older DC whenever they had a younger sibling.

If we only saw them at weekends, and not every weekend , but had a new baby, I would absolutely ship the baby off for a day to grandparents to focus on the older ones. And did do that when younger siblings were born. That is how it is with multiple children.

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 19:13

Forgotthebins · 09/05/2022 19:11

As your posts have gone on, you have started to sound quite resentful of your DSC, calling them spoilt. It sounds as though things like negotiating a reasonable intensity of focused time for both pairs of kids are causing a lot of friction. Calling the DSC spoilt and saying that your DH invests more time with them compared to your own two does make it sound like there is an open conversation you need to have with your DH. Maybe one of the step-parenting charities has a counsellor who could help?

Is it resentful to state a fact, though?

Perhaps they are spoilt and he does invest more time in them than his other children.

In fact I actually think it's reasonable to be resentful about the fact that your husband prefers one set of children over another, because frankly that's shitty.

Original poster

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 19:15

Nocutenamesleft · 09/05/2022 18:48

Oh. That’s not a nice thing to say about them

the fact your stepchildren are spoilt

i hope my stepmother didn’t think that about me. Gosh.

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Huh??! Are people serious? You can't say children are spoilt now?

He does spoil them... That is a fact. Something he jokes about himself. Why can't I say that? I'm confused.

OP posts:

Original poster

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 19:17

“He won’t bother if they aren’t here that Sunday”. So you do get plenty of weekends without them to have “quality time” with your little ones. He is asking for the same for your step children.

Can you just read the thread before you contribute please? Thanks.

OP posts:

InChocolateWeTrust · 09/05/2022 19:19

This is crazy. When DH and I had DC2, we didn't ship her off to the grandparents for an afternoon every couple of weeks so we could give DC1 alone time with both of us. You dont do that when younger siblings arrive so I don't see why it would be different in a blended family.

AskingforaBaskin · 09/05/2022 19:21

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2022 18:36

What a beautiful way of looking at it from only one perspective!

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So absolutly nothing like the OPs situation at all?

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 19:22

RockLampSalt · 09/05/2022 19:13

@Tinyleopard

she said he hasn’t taken them to soft play and doesn’t make a fuss about big days out with them. Smaller DC don’t need that in the same way, they are perfectly happy pottering about in the garden, walking to a local park, playing with toys and watching Peppa pig at home etc..

Older DC need more focused time. The relationship needs to be nurtured and the connection kept, as they start to move towards their peers and are naturally less interested in “family time”. But they still need that, even if they have to be forced into it at times at first. Their home is their base and they need solid trusting relationships with all adults who live there.

If we have another baby, I absolutely will be prioritising the older ones for some time - on the weekends I have them, and sure DH would be too. They are the ones who feel pushed out and insecure with new siblings, and I did the same for my own older DC whenever they had a younger sibling.

If we only saw them at weekends, and not every weekend , but had a new baby, I would absolutely ship the baby off for a day to grandparents to focus on the older ones. And did do that when younger siblings were born. That is how it is with multiple children.

Well I really feel sorry for any future children you have knowing they'll always be second best to their older siblings. You're assuming they don't need any of this stuff but they'll quickly learn that they don't get xyz that their siblings do. Living with you isn't an excuse to treat them worse.

hellrabbitishere · 09/05/2022 19:23

ittakes2 · 09/05/2022 18:37

OP I am sorry I think you need to get your ducks in a row as you sound jealous and resentful towards your stepkids and I can't see how this is not going to fester and effect your relationship.
You do realise that a toddler and a baby do not have feelings of being left out and will not remember this period in their lives - you are completely projecting your own feelings on to them.

or maybe she just doesnt want to be at work full time , and then spend one weekend a month shipping off her own two kids , the ones she gave birth to over to her parents so she can then give up that time she could have spent with them in favour of holding her husbands hand whilst they make his two kids the ones she didnt give birth to feel special because he for some reason isnt capable of doing it on his own , yes if someone was guilt tripping me like that id be bloody resentful as well , and toddlers and babys wont remember this period in their lives , but the op will though and maybe shed like to have the time free to do things with them at weekends and have those memories

Tinyleopard · 09/05/2022 19:23

And actually I don't think most people do ship off one sibling to spend quality time with the other, and never spend quality time with the shipped off sibling because that is entirely fucking weird and unfair.

Original poster

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 19:24

Kennykenkencat · 09/05/2022 19:08

Are you sure you aren’t blaming the wrong person.

How your husband acts and what your husband does or doesn’t do is not their fault.

They might be quite happy with beans on toast occasionally but have got used to a full roast dinner. (Probably think you have that every Sunday)

They might ask for things but this again is up to your Dh. If he can’t say no to them then that is up to him and they have got so used to not being denied anything they probably don’t think about it.

You can’t make these children responsible for their fathers behaviour and attitude

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Sorry if it wasn't clear but I'm not blaming them. It's entirely his issue, as I say he treats them like VIPs coming to stay.

It's so obviously about guilt. He's a standard Disney dad you read about on here.

Even things as ridiculous as spending money he doesn't really have at Christmas trying to make sure they have the same number of presents to open on Christmas/their pile doesn't look even the tiniest bit smaller than our DCs even though their main present was hundreds of pounds more etc... It gets stupid.

As a PP said, until you've lived with one of these dad's constantly finding ridiculous things wrong with what you're doing or jumping through hoops to treat DSC like kings and queens that everyone should be bowing down to when they stay you really can't understand it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 19:25

Forgotthebins · 09/05/2022 19:11

As your posts have gone on, you have started to sound quite resentful of your DSC, calling them spoilt. It sounds as though things like negotiating a reasonable intensity of focused time for both pairs of kids are causing a lot of friction. Calling the DSC spoilt and saying that your DH invests more time with them compared to your own two does make it sound like there is an open conversation you need to have with your DH. Maybe one of the step-parenting charities has a counsellor who could help?

He does spoil them though? Can you not say kids are spoilt anymore?

OP posts:

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 19:29

Yet you still had two children with him. Did you think he was going to change how he treats his first two?

Original poster

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 19:29

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 19:29

Yet you still had two children with him. Did you think he was going to change how he treats his first two?

No, he could treat ours the same though?

OP posts:

alltheteeshirts · 09/05/2022 19:30

From your posts, it sounds like you involve his children when they're staying with you, and you spend time with them alone when your kids are in bed - you sound marvellous, what's he complaining about?

I think it's important he spends time with them one-to-one, given he doesn't get to see them full-time. Even if you didn't have children of your own, I'd still say he needs some special time with them without you there - they need to understand that whilst you're a nice, helpful grown up, they're allowed to speak to their dad without having to run everything past you. It's important that the relationships with their mum and dad are kept special - you're a nice bonus, but you're not their mum. They already have one in their lives.

I think you're right, and this is all just his guilt speaking.

BadNomad · 09/05/2022 19:31

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 19:29

No, he could treat ours the same though?

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He would have to leave them then.

mum11970 · 09/05/2022 19:31

Your dh is being ridiculous, it’s totally unnecessary. I have two step children (now adults) and we have always just spent family time altogether when they were over because we are one family. Dsc spent time with just my dh and I before we had children and then we spent time as a bigger family as our family grew, exactly the same as would happen in any non blended family. None of the children have ever referred to each other as half siblings or full siblings, they are just brothers and sisters and have always referred to each other as that because they are all treated the same. Non blended families don’t send a few of the kids away once a month to spend time with just the others, it’s absurd and only goes to show some sort of division in the family. Believe it or not my step children’s mother didn’t send her children with her second husband away to spend time with just her children with my dh either.