To have kids without having a career?

[Charlotte45]

I’m really ready for a baby now-I am 26, however I don’t have a very well paid job (it’s not terrible but not major money) DH is also ready for children. Are you ever ready?

But why even post if all you want is affirmative replies? If you only want cheerleaders instead of replies from real women with lived experience then Mumsnet isn’t the place.

Hi op, one can never be fully ready. I know on mumsnet, people say a lot of things that is so different from their life so I would take everything you read with a pinch of salt.
I think when it comes to children, you just have to be objective. I honestly feel you are in a better position than many people that have children , you have a job that pays over minimum wage, you have a second household income and you own your house with a mortgage. Career wise, what do you want to do? So if you’re about to retrain for example, it’s easier without children but that does not mean you can’t do this when you have kids, lots of people do, you still have almost 40 years of work.
Just to say it’s easier to progress in your career if you work full time after having kids so don’t limit your thinking to say you will work part time.
Think of all the worst case scenarios as well and plan for it and decide if having kids now is the best plan.

My negative what?

I would go for it! If you return PT over 3 days that is fine .What about CC though?

You’re 😅

Don't play into the games OP. No one can guarantee they can provide for a child it's entire life alone. Got a great job, what if you lose it? Even with millions in the bank, something can go wrong. Ill-health Etc.

If the only women who had a baby were those you could provide solely for their child Inc supporting through Uni and helping set them up in life, even if they lost their jobs, we'd have a major population crisis in this country.

@ColdColdColdColdCold I quite like you 😂

Because "only have a baby if you can fully support it to 21 despite not working a day" simply isn't helpful advice

I think if you and your partner want a baby and feel ready, then youre a good age for it. Its harder as you get older, energywise

I spent nearly 16 years at home raising our family. I'm now 51, work full time and have a "career". It fucking sucks. I'm permanently tired, drained and don't feel that my life has improved in any way shape or form for having it.

When you walk around a cemetery, the headstones always say "beloved mother/father/son/daughter" not "they had a great career". I hate that we value family so little these days.

I had my 2 kids in my early 20s, didn't have a job let alone a career. We rented and got by on DH wage. I started studying when my youngest was still a baby and found a salaried job when he was 3 while continuing to study. I started on £17k and now 3.5 years later have qualified with a first class degree and almost doubled my salary and now own a home. I've still got a long way to go to be where I want to be but I wouldn't change it as I wanted my kids while I was young and had the energy for them.

Well that’s all very well and good, but in reality it’s hard to buy groceries and pay for gas bills when you don’t have any money.

Having a career before children allows you to return to work and make money to give your children a stable life. It certainly isn’t the be all and end all and some families make do perfectly well but for some people, they like the financial stability having a career brings.

Some of us actually enjoy it too!

I think you should have the baby now - biology/nature is on your side! I didn't have much of a career before having children (even though I was older than you). In some ways I was glad as it made the decision to spend time with the children easier. I was lucky that DHs salary made this possible. My children are about to hit their teens and I'm still working part-time, but I now have more of an idea of a career path than I did pre-children. I think being a parent has given me a lot of skills and confidence which I didn't have before. Similarly, you may find that even if you spend some time focusing primarily on your child/children there will still be time for a career later.

You need a kob
Not a career. So you're good

Plus... you can always have a career later in life. A baby you can't..

What do you want from this thread? You've clearly already made up your mind that you're NBU. Personally a good standard of living is important to me, so I wouldn't plan to have children without a university education, a reasonably salary, marriage, and being established in my career. But then I don't really want children, and I was academically in a position to go to uni straight from school and get a good job straight from uni. If you're desperate for children and maybe have been less successful academically it probably makes sense to TTC now, but I agree with PP you have to do this in the knowledge that you risk having a lower standard of living. Also you keep ignoring the question of - what career would you want to re-train in?

For another perspective I'm from the generation that thought it was normal to be SAHM, had my first at 25 after saving up a safety net from my job. Back to work (a 'job') when youngest started school, saved again then did access course and vocational degree in my 40s. I'm glad I did it that way around having watched a lot of younger colleagues (NHS) who put their careers first struggling to conceive and having to go down the IVF route in their late 30s-40s, not always successfully. As for pension, I didn't start til 46, divorced and still able to take my NHS pension and work part time now in my early 60s. All depends on your priorities really and how materialistic you are, we are all different! I'm quite happy with a small house with mortgage paid off and an old car and, to me personally, the most important career of all was to be a good mother.

Love the PP!

Also my mum was a SAHM, muddled through two divorces, left school with no qualifications, and started her career age 40 as a delivery driver. She is 57 and now a contact centre manager.

You cannot predict life, or how others will act. You have to do what feels right for you.

Do some people not realise that not everyone wants a career , we would all be lost of everyone did .
No reason why you can't retrain in your 30's or work your way up if you want to
£11.50 an hr isn't that bad and depending on where you live could be good its a couple of pound above min wage

I did both I think !! I had my DD at 17 stayed on at school with the support of my partner now husband and my parents, we married when I was 20 and bought our first house (back in the 90s when houses were affordable ) I joined the civil service at 23 and have had 4 promotions, I'm at a graduate grade on a great wage (one when I was expecting child number 2, he was born 2 weeks after the promotion interview) We moved to a bigger house a year after number 3 who has medical needs ( I took a break of 1.5 years after he was born) but apart from that using leave and maternity leave I continue to work full time my whole career, but could only afford to have this luxury as my parents looked after all 3 whilst we worked, they are very close to them as a result. We are happy with having a nice life style and are not materialistic so live within our means, my children did not suffer from me working full time and are doing very well academically DD has finished her 3rd degree, DS1 has one year to go in uni and DD2 is about to start uni in Sept our mortgage is low and I hope to retire at 60ish maybe a little later depending on how I feel as I have paid into my pension since 23.
So do what is right for you and your family don’t over plan your life as it can just cause resentment if it doesn’t go to plan, but don’t hold of doing things just because that’s what people expect you to do one thing does not have to wait on the other finishing.

My sil had children young then trained to be a teacher , now divorced and manages fine on her own, just bought a house and became the bigger wage earner
My other sil even younger but then went to uni and trained as a social worker now earning a good salary and has had another family with new partner
I was a sahm for a couple years had mine at 28/30 then went back to work part time , now older teens so work full time in a job pays about same as you op maybe a little more , but its a company i can progress if I want, at the moment im happy where I am though.
So doesn't matter what others do just whats right for you and your family

I find these sorts of posts so patronising and toxic. People don’t seek careers because they want them on their headstones, they seek them because they want to provide adequately for their families. As you well know.

The implied although unspoken counter-narrative is: “go for it: it’s more important to have children than a career, even if you can’t always provide”.

There is some logic to this although I don’t agree with it. But why can’t people just own the fact that they feel like this instead of implying that women who work will go on to have bad relationships with their children and regret it on their deathbeds?

If you feel that having children is sufficiently important that you will do it in any financial circumstances then go ahead. There is an argument for this and you’re correct that in most cases it will be fine. But stop implying that those of us who work do so out of vanity or self indulgence. Most of us consider it’s the best way to future proof our children’s well-being.

Yes, we mostly used nursery care for our DC1 but a grandparent did have them 1 day a week and would do additional on occasion e.g. if I had an appointment on my non-working day, or if DC was too poorly to go to nursery etc. However despite this grandparent being young and in good health they suddenly got diagnosed with a serious illness with an unclear prognosis when I was heavily pregnant with DC2 and since then has not been able to support us at all. Obviously understandably and their ill health is stressful and upsetting for reasons completely unrelated to the support they had planned to provide us with, but just to illustrate that life is short and unexpected things can happen to people not least sudden ill health.

I think some people just struggle with the idea that other people made different but still right choices @Thepeopleversuswork because the oppaitetto to The implied although unspoken counter-narrative is: “go for it: it’s more important to have children than a career, even if you can’t always provide”. is the whole "oh I'd never have a child until I knew I could single handedly raise it and support it through University singlehandedly without ever taking a penny from the Govt or their Dad because responsible". Neither are helpful because most people live in between

Well @Thepeopleversuswork was replying to the very emotive comment about gravestones and 'nobody valuing family'. This whole topic is often emotive.
Anyway... it also depends on people's life situations I guess, 'right' answer aside.

IMO both parties being ready for children, having stable jobs enough to cover the costs (you can't say X amount because it depends on said costs!) I would say a mortgage as well, but so many people rent well into their late 30's even on a good wage, it's crazy to think that they shouldn't have kids.

OP already has a mortgage which is the hardest part.. so that's a good position to be in.