To have kids without having a career?

[Charlotte45]

I’m really ready for a baby now-I am 26, however I don’t have a very well paid job (it’s not terrible but not major money) DH is also ready for children. Are you ever ready?

I think you should have a look at the threads on here where the women are on the other side of this, with young children and a breadwinner husband who doesn’t pull his weight / they split up and the poster is lacking in work experience / no earning power.

If that’s something you’re happy with and your husband is someone who will always pull his weight then go for it.

But it doesn't need to be like this? Both me and DP worked while the kids were small. Why does it have to mean the woman suffers? I don't understand. We couldn't afford childcare so I went to work ft and DP worked nights Friday to Monday.

Now they are school age and we're in our 30s we are earning more than we ever thought we would and have weekends and evenings together. It doesn't have to be either or

@Charlotte45 i went back to college when my son was 4 but I was very young when I had him (19) so I did a year at college and a 4 year degree and was finished by the time I was 28. I’m a primary school teacher.

Once you have a baby you and your DP have a completely dependent being who needs to be cared for 24 hours a day. Every hour that a parent is not caring for the baby you need to pay someone else to do it. Unless you are lucky with family support. So every hour you are working or traveling to and from work, someone else needs to be paid to care for your child. It is hard to do this from a low economic base.

You’ve missed my point entirely, your set up is fair and how it should be. But lots of threads are from women who have an uneven set up and end up with basically nothing when they split from their husband or end up doing absolutely everything around the house as they remain SAHMs forever and the husband has too big and important job to put his cup in the dishwasher

I haven't missed your point at all. My first words were 'It doesn't have to be like this'

What does he say about how long you should have off work, how you will manage financially while you are off, and what exactly he expects of you once baby is born?

Who will do the housework
Who will pay the bills?
Who will do childcare?

What type of upbringing do you want to give the child?

Gentle parenting? Attached parenting? breastfeeding? When will baby stay away from you for a night? How would you manage things if you split up? How much access would he want?

You need to work out all these and more before you have baby with the person, then you won't have to ask questions like this to us, you can just ask him now and then decide whether it's all something you are compatible on.

He may prefer you to look after the child and keep the house for a few years while he brings in the majority of the income, and that might be nice so you can concentrate on the child without distraction.

He might expect you to go back to work the day after giving birth, contribute half to the bills, and do all the housework, in which case you may need to find someone else to have a family with.

He may want you to take a full year off, do all the housework and baby care, then go back to work and he shares the housework and baby care.

There's only one way to find out, and it's preferable to stabbing in the dark or being back here in five years because you and him have a fundamental difference in how you want to parent, or your expectations of each other.

Do you have shared finances with your DH? Is all money family money?

Is there a particular career path that you have in mind?

We have come up with that our DC will go to nursery 2 days pw after mat leave and I will work Sun, Mon and Tues. we have agreed that when they start school I will do a vocational degree and quit my job to do it and he will support me. So I will be 32 when I start it…I think the field I want to work in it will be beneficial for me to already be a mother/life experience etc.

I will still pay into my pension etc whilst working full time…it’s just those 3 years without it that I’ll struggle with as I will be able to do my access course whilst still working

Whilst working part time that should say

That all sounds very doable, as long as all money earned in the household is shared.

I did not have a career when I had first dc at 25, and was then a sahm for some time. The issue is if you become a single parent in that time you become very exposed. I would have struggled to work and afford child care. DH and I have stayed together and after dc went to school I built up my working experience and slowly went up the career ladder. Now at 46 I have a good role with an ok salary. I would say if you are a sahm then keep your skills up as much as you can, if you can go back to work then do as it will give you more opportunities long term.

I am going back to work after mat leave part time until I start my degree?

Sorry I may have missed it but is this one or more children you’re planning here?

Oh get off your sanctimonious horse. It's quite possible to not have or want a career and still work hard in a decent job, not think your destiny is to be a brood mare for any man who'll pay the bills

@Stellamar I would love to have 2, not too close together as we could afford the child care

@Charlotte45 it sounds like you have a good plan and are ready. Truth is you don't even know how long it'll take so I'd say TTC and carry on with your life at the same time.

I did Uni, decent job with progression, got married, had a baby at 33, was going back four days. He was a poorly baby and I had to quit work. Was going to go back as I fell pregnant with twins. Currently can't afford to work.
Friend was never academic, fell into a decent job that she didn't really enjoy, but retrained part time as a counsellor and now has two kids and her own business which she set up alongside having her first.

So life, its not something you can 100% plan. If you're ready, both ready, go for it.

I don't think there is ever a perfect time. I got married after qualifying in my profession, came off contraceptive. Between TTC and miscarriages I am only about to have my 1st baby this summer, we are 4 years married in October. I really did not think it would take so long! We are both young/ healthy/ no medical issues so to speak.

Age is on your side so it doesn't have to be right now. But there will always be something.

Anecdotally, a girl I was training with because pregnant v shortly into her training contract. Had her baby/ mat leave, went back qualified and is now an audit manager in the big 4. So it 100% can be done. I know she had great support off both sets of GPs and DP when she was studying though. I was also training with a man 40ish, he did quit (too much with study/ FT job) but got a related job he wouldn't have gotten without being part qualified. It does depend on what you want to do. I know being a chartered accountant trainee does not lend itself to being a parent maybe try talk to some ppl in the career path you are hoping to pursue.

Also 30s/40s is def not too old to re-train you will work until your late 60s! My mam is currently doing a uni course at 55. Ok in her field, but to expand her career. Learning/ progression is for life. You can't plan everything but it is nice to have a bit of a plan .

@Shinyandnew1 well aren’t you the perfect human! 😂

I agree, it doesn’t have to be like this?!

Everyone seems to be MASSIVELY missing OPs point.

No, it absolutely is not too late to start a career in your 30s. I only started my current career path age 33 and and six years later am already top of my game career wise.

@Butteryflakycrust83 Thanks so much 🥰

@Butteryflakycrust83 what is it you do?