To have kids without having a career?

[Charlotte45]

I’m really ready for a baby now-I am 26, however I don’t have a very well paid job (it’s not terrible but not major money) DH is also ready for children. Are you ever ready?

I didn't have a career before I had my kids. I was a stay at home mum with a couple part time jobs along the way
Now my kids are older teens & I'm studying for a degree in my mid 40's. I wouldn't change a thing.

@ZealAndArdour I really don’t see it that way…they are our children why should they be just my responsibility? It’s a joint thing isn’t it?

Of course, I totally agree and I’m sure every woman on Mumsnet will too, but you need to be absolutely sure that your husband sees it that way and always will, no matter how big and important his job gets.

This is a pretty rude reply @ZealAndArdour. OP never said she doesn't want a career or that she hopes to roll in the mud, mating like an animal all year.

She's asking for opinions on starting a family before a career. Don't be bitter.

If you want it and are prepared to work for it, you can have kids and a career. Plenty of parents who have happily changed or found a career out there.

Anything you do (changing career, doing up a house, training for a marathon) is all harder post kids. You have less mental energy, less physical energy and less time with little children. It's not til the youngest is over 3 or 4 that I found things start to feel normal and it became much easier to find time for things for me again. But it's not impossible as clearly people manage it.

I'd say support from your husband is key. If he has a big important job then nursery or school sick days, pick up and drop off, appointments etc. may all fall to you (it shouldn't but it does seem to be a theme on here), and it's much harder to do all this if you're establishing yourself in a new career than if you're already settled in one. Like flexible working etc. I'd recommend that your husband takes some paternity leave shared with you, even if it doesn't make immediate financial sense, so that you don't become the default parent for everything

Welll being ‘Ms popular’ probably prepares you better for most jobs, especially since the higher up you go the more office politics there are...

I’m not being bitter, I was responding generally to the PP’s saying “do you even want a career?”. It certainly seems like she does or she wouldn’t have paused to ask the question. It was a post in support of the OP, as there seemed to be a lot of PP’s telling her she’d be fine with just a job, or indeed no job at all.

If you spend enough time on mumsnet it’s not hard to see that lots of people are really feeling the squeeze financially at present, maybe just any old job isn’t the best way to secure a comfortable and predictable lifestyle for herself and her family.

She has more choices and freedom now than she’ll ever have again once she is a mother with mouths to feed and childcare to sort and everything else that comes with it.

Equally the most successful women I know had kids after building their careers. And managed to keep them because it’s so much easier to negotiate flexible working etc. AND they make a chunky salary even part-time.

Nobody can predict anything OP. For every ‘my career was destroyed’ there’ll be ‘my career soared’. You might find a new great career after retraining post-SAHM. Or be stuck at home with disabled DC (not just me saying it, there are so many threads on this here).

If you can afford it then why not have kids first? If you really want a ‘career’ for personal achievements then go for that first.

I had 3 kids by the time I was 26. At 27 I started an OU degree. I’m 33 now and I have a very respectable career in the voluntary sector with scope to progress. My oldest is 13, youngest is 7 so I feel at 33 I’m at an advantage now career wise. No nursery fees ahead of me and just generally a lot more time for myself/good quality sleep now with older children.

You are 26 so not that young if you want a child just have one.

Now my kids are older teens & I'm studying for a degree in my mid 40's

Well without wishing to sound like a bore I hope the pension is already sorted then - the earlier the better.

It’s never a perfect time, do it if you feel ready!
I wish I’d had mine younger - I gave up a pretty good and well-paid career as I loved being at home with my kids so much - never been happier! Just wish I’d done it earlier! Do it!

In addition to the points made by previous posters I’d consider how many children you might ideally want, what age gap you might want and whether you can afford it. I say that because I have a friend who was in your position and had a child. She then wanted another one within 2-3 years but just couldn’t afford it.

If you’re happy to wait till your oldest is at school before having another one then that might not be an issue. But it’s something to think about.

There is never a good time...go for it op

I can’t get the idea of becoming a mum out of my head, I love children so much, maybe once they are at school it will be time to get a career? I just want to be the best mum possible and give them the best chance

If you want kids so bad and for them to have the best chance... you need to get your head out of the butt and start thinking logically.

Start saving.

I say this with respect but your dh can't be your whole source of income and support. You need to start paying things proportionally as well.

You will not be able to pay 50/50 and maintain the same lifestyle on your salary once you have kids. Everything associated with parenting costs money, nursery fees just the tip of the iceberg.

Equipment, food, bill increases, clothing, clubs, activities. Are you going to be able to pay 50/50 for everything little tiny they need?

You say that you'll go back part time but what if you have difficult birth? Or get made redundant? Or have a bad sleeper?

Is your dh going to do night feeds, sick days, half terms? Or will it be you looking after them because your job can be more easily sacrificed?

You seem really naive about what having a kid actually entails and even more unaware of what the pressures financial and otherwise does to a marriage.

This forum is full of women that swore blind their marriage and dh would be different but life changes people and you need to be prepared for the worst if you're bringing kids into it.

You need a damn pension and some savings first or you will end up shits creek with an armful of kids and no plan for your own future.

If you cba to work and just want kids, fine I respect that too but just be smart....there's no guarantees.

Also have you though of a career working with kids ? That's something you could work on in the meantime.

@Divebar2021 Thanks for your concern. We have a very healthy pension pot thanks to my husband hard work. Don't be a chip pisser

"We have a very healthy pension pot thanks to my husband hard work*

So it's your husband's pension and if you ever divorce that's what he'll argue to the courts.

The number of divorces I've seen, number one issue they always want their ex-Dh's pension ...it really causes such issues i think its worth pointing out to the OP that having your own individual pot would be much more secure long time for her.

It's a trade off.

I think there's something to be said with having school aged kids in your 30s rather than in your 40s.

As long as you can support the children financially and provide them with a stable home, you should be all right, OP. I had my DS when I was 30 and whilst I had a job (average wage) and longevity within my industry, I really wouldn't have called it a career. It was (and still is) a job. After mat leave I went back to work 3 days pw, as that's all we could afford nursery wise.

If you desire a career, and can't afford full time childcare, I think you should resign yourself to the fact that you will probably not going to be able to do it during the early years and have to wait until they are school age. (I mean that's just my experience).

Good luck

So you’re looking at potentially waiting another 7/8 years to retrain if you potentially have two children?

Assuming you want a “career” and to study you’re going to need a year doing A Levels before a 3 year Uni course, you’re nearly hitting 40 by that point, something to think long and hard about.

I say that as someone who retrained and did my degree with small children

Yes, it is something to think about.

and for the PP who thinks I am being naive, I am thinking long and hard about this actually and want to make the right decision. I am aware what I will be sacrificing to have children now.

@YerAWizardHarry how old was you when you re-trained? What is it you did? Do you enjoy it?

What do you want a career in OP?

At least you are in a position to actually make some choices.

Everything is harder with children even with support because they add to your mental load in a way that is impossible to describe.

DS is about to start his degree apprenticeship, delayed due to covid. He reminds me of me in my youth. He absorbs information very easily. I remember when I was taking my degree how a good friend really had to work ridiculous hours whilst I would take under half the time to get the same sort of grades. These are the kind of peculiarities that are specific to the individual.

Are you an efficient person? Because that’s exactly what makes life easier when you have children though even the most efficient can have a curve ball thrown at them and some of those curve balls are impossible to catch.