To have kids without having a career?

[Charlotte45]

I’m really ready for a baby now-I am 26, however I don’t have a very well paid job (it’s not terrible but not major money) DH is also ready for children. Are you ever ready?

At 40 with a toddler, no family support and health issues, I am in the process of jettisoning my career because it's just too much. It occurs to me that if we had children earlier I would have had more energy and been in better health.

The idea that women can have everything/ do everything is a myth sold to us by the patriarchy.

Really depends on your appetite for risk and your willingness to potentially scrape by at times. Also, if you're already thinking about establishing a career later on, why not do it now? What is it you actually want to do?
Personally we waited until we were homeowners, both had professional qualifications (DH as a doctor, me as a social worker and psychotherapist), had savings and had incomes coming in that surpassed a certain threshold. We both grew up in poverty and saw firsthand the immense stress that comes with raising kids without much financial security. I would never want either of us to depend on the other to finance the family completely either, it was crucial to know that if something were to happen then one of us alone could raise the child independently.

Obviously shit could hit the fan still but I think it's about deciding how many safeguards you want to put into place first. It's pretty scary having a child and knowing that no matter what, the buck stops with you. You have to feed and clothe and care for them, nobody else. And it's challenging enough caring for a newborn without sleepless nights due to money worries too.

Some careers are reallllly hard to train in with kids in tow too.

My social work MA included ten months of fulltime placement work alongside academic work, then lectures every day for the rest of the two years. The bursary was so tiny I had to work 40hr on top of the placement and studies to keep myself float in a houseshare. Yep, 80hr weeks for ten months (split into two) then writing essays at 1am after fifteen hours work that day. Day after day after day.

There was no physical way I could have done that had I had a child to care for. I couldn't have afforded the childcare. Having a child pre-training would have closed that avenue off for me for good. So have a good long think about what you want to train as, as well as consider what would happen to your options if you and DH were to split.

@ColdColdColdColdCold I can assure you we aren’t in poverty, we have quite a nice life. DH earns a good wage, me, £11.50 ph..own our own home, what is the risk?

I think something that is often not mentioned is that your body will bounce back better from having your children in your late 20s.

I'm not talking about superficial things, many women experience life changing birth injuries that leave them with sexual dysfunction or continence issues and the link between these issues and age of mother at first birth is not talked about enough.

That's great, just something to think about as relationships unfortunately don't always last. It's wise to consider whether you'd be able to support you and a child independently if anything were to happen to DH or the marriage. Being dependent on a man is fine if you're going into it with eyes wide open, but it's certainly not without its risks!

my DH has got a new role which is flexi working so he will be able to support. Kids will be at school and my mum has kindly offered to support childcare wise. If anything it makes more sense to do it then.

I can't see a problem in this. I was 35 and in a good career, but I didn't deliberately wait that long - just took me that long to meet DH and be in a stable position to start a family!

I am 45 now, our parents are in their 80s and needing help, kids are still only 8 and 10 and need a lot of input. We are both quite tired and stretched, obviously have no family help, and not moved on in our careers since having kids. It's not the case for everyone but I definitely had loads more energy in my 20s and think I could have juggled work and kids perhaps better than I do now.

However, being financially independent is really good. As pp say, just make sure you are on the same page as your DH and have a provisional plan workwise.

It’s only for 3 years though?

1. He gets sick. Now your £10.50 an hour is feeding your whole household. Doesn't go far.
2. He fucks off and pays little to no child support. Ditto.
3. He loses his job. How much is left of that £10.50 an hour after tax and childcare?
4. Your child is born with serious health conditions or neurodiverse, and you have to give up work altogether. Then he fucks off. (A tragically common story.)

None of these things may happen, and what you do when is up to you, but you asked "what is the risk?" This board is littered with the metaphorical bodies of women who said "My DP/DH earns a really good wage, and what are the chances that he'll die/leave me/lose his job/cheat?" If you can't maintain a decent standard of living for yourself plus DC on your own wage without a partner, there is always a risk.

He gets sick. Now your £10.50 an hour is feeding your whole household. Doesn't go far

Sick leave, insurance etc.

He fucks off and pays little to no child support. Ditto

Universal credit

He loses his job. How much is left of that £10.50 an hour after tax and childcare?

She wont need childcare if he is out of work. He can job hunt in the evenings.

Your child is born with serious health conditions or neurodiverse, and you have to give up work altogether. Then he fucks off. (A tragically common story.)

See the answer to point two.

There is risk to everything in life. I could get tan over by a bus tomorrow. I hear of so many women who perused their career as priority and then couldn’t conceive later on? I know would I would prefer.

What

Sick pay, sorry, not sick leave.

Obviously I wouldn’t choose to end up on benefits but if that happened I would have to use them until I qualified to get by?

Isn’t that what they are there for? When unexpected things happen and your in the shit? Or just for people that choose to sit at home and do bugga all?

If he left I would have no choice but to claim universal credit until I qualify? I can’t not have a baby because I’m scared he will leave?

Considering the risks doesn't mean you don't choose to go ahead anyway. But pretending they don't exist and everything will be hunkydory is a bit foolish. Your response to my comment about how relationships don't always last forever and weighing up whether you can afford to provide for a child alone is a comment about your DH's flexi job and your mum providing childcare and the kids being at school. You're already assuming someone else other than the parents will care for the child.

It's a bad idea to be reliant on a grandparent being willing and able to provide childcare when the time comes, anything could happen between now and then.

With respect OP, it seems you've already made your mind up that it'll be fine so good luck with it, I sincerely hope it works out. People certainly have babies in your position all the time. Not completely sure why you posted though.

I would say, don't assume that once your kids are at primary school, you will feel able to devote yourself to work and study all day every day, especially if you need to study evenings. School days are short and the holidays are long. There are frequent requests to participate in school events during school hours. Your dh and Dm will be involved, but if the kids are used to you being the primary carer, it could be a big adjustment for all of you. The mental load and daily routine with primary kids is big as well, so much more than when they are in nursery and go to bed at 7! I have friends who retrained as mothers in their thirties. One did it when the kids were preschool and at nursery (1 year course) and the other ended up waiting until her 3dc were end primary/start secondary and more independent. I am not saying don't do it, just that the logistics of daily life and childcare are much harder once they start school.

Honestly I am appalled at the 'Whataboutery'.

I earn a good salary and I would still be fucked if any of the scenarios people keep chucking out as a warning. I would cope, because I would have to.

Unless you are earning a mega mega salary, you would always struggle if your partner was out of work/left. So are we just not meant to have children unless we all get jobs that pay £80K a year plus?

OP - I work as an Executive Assistant to a CEO.

There is never a good time to have a child tbh, but OP sounds set up. I would go for it!

Considering time is on your side you can ensure you get yourself into a stronger position to be able to provide for a child before TTC, if there's no rush.

Read into the experiences of benefits claimants when you get chance. It's not a guarantee.

As others have said, it depends on how risk averse you are. It was important to me for example to make sure that if I was going to conceive and carry and birth a child I had the financial and professional security to be able to take care of them if their other parent died or fucked off.

So every single woman on this thread would slip away from a marriage unscathed? What’s the point in marriage after all then? I have to trust him some how!

Every one would be aiming to be single parents if that was the case

Good gracious, you're exhausting aren't you.

@ColdColdColdColdCold and your negative