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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irritated at comment at work

247 replies

Tuesdaytuesday · 09/05/2022 13:33

My working environment is a bit odd, in that I am a lecturer but when I started here 4 years ago I was placed on a desk in the large open-plan administrative services office (desk space at a premium) and here I’ve remained. I’ve posted about it before but for different reasons (unable to really focus to work as it is noisy).

I hope this doesn’t make me appear up myself. The person who sits next to me works with me, but I’m full time and she works 3 days. One day last week when she wasn’t in, the (male) receptionist asked me where my partner in crime was and said that he thought of us as Cagney and Lacey. I was surprised, and somewhat irritated. I’ve no idea why someone should think that, never mind say it. My colleague and I aren’t Siamese twins or do everything together though we do attend some meetings together. I chose not to respond to the comment but now wonder if I should have said something. He would not have said something similar to two male lecturers or two female lecturers who weren't based in the same room as him.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Sally090807 · 09/05/2022 16:54

Honestly, you can’t say anything nowadays, how on earth can you get so uptight about a comment like that.🙄🙄🙄

Livpool · 09/05/2022 16:56

@DontBlameMe79 I don't consider it misogynistic at all. Or derogatory.

I think that is quite a reach

notacooldad · 09/05/2022 16:59

I think you are extremely over sensitive!! Good grief!

He would not have said something similar to two male lecturers or two female lecturers who weren't based in the same room as him
Dont be daft!! Two blokes in our team get called the Chuckle brothers as seemingly they have to walk round the build together (they dont have to, but if you see one you see the other!!)
The two blokes on maintenance get called the dangerous brothers as they are always having to fix something. Sometimes they are even called Laurel and Hardy!! Guess what, no one is offended or upset.
Go figure 🤷‍♀️

OMG12 · 09/05/2022 17:01

Dear Christ, my advice is, never ever leave and work in a corporate environment! You might be best homeworking tbh!

ddl1 · 09/05/2022 17:04

Wouldn't bother me at all. Sounds like he was just making conversation. Cagney and Lacey were great- I'd be happy to be compared with either of them!

ancientgran · 09/05/2022 17:07

Not sure why you think they wouldn't say it to two men, well they wouldn't say Cagney and Lacy, maybe Starsky and Hutch or Crockett and Tubbs.

Fair enough if you didn't like the remark but "they wouldn't do it to a man" is such a MN response to absolutely anything, frequently with no basis at all.

ancientgran · 09/05/2022 17:09

notacooldad · 09/05/2022 16:59

I think you are extremely over sensitive!! Good grief!

He would not have said something similar to two male lecturers or two female lecturers who weren't based in the same room as him
Dont be daft!! Two blokes in our team get called the Chuckle brothers as seemingly they have to walk round the build together (they dont have to, but if you see one you see the other!!)
The two blokes on maintenance get called the dangerous brothers as they are always having to fix something. Sometimes they are even called Laurel and Hardy!! Guess what, no one is offended or upset.
Go figure 🤷‍♀️

The Chuckle Brothers or Laurel and Hardy are so much worse than Cagney and Lacey. I can't imagine any young man thinking he'd like to be like them but lots of young women would like to be like Cagney and Lacey, well they did when I was a young woman.

Womanface · 09/05/2022 17:10

I’ll be honest , if it were something sexualised like Charlie’s angels then I’d be secretly annoyed

Cagney and Lacey? Can’t care too much
Velma and Thelma off the Simpsons …I’d laugh

Emm
it really doesn’t matter

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 09/05/2022 17:11

I like that he used a consistent theme in his comments - 'partner in crime' and 'Cagney and Lacey'. He used crime and partnership - an example from both sides of the law. The continuity pleases me Grin
It wouldn't have worked as well if he'd said 'Cagney and .... that unknown lower-band cop who wasn't a detective and only came in 3 times per week'

Zippy1510 · 09/05/2022 17:21

I’m a lecturer and I’d be unhappy sharing a large open office with professional services. Not because I think I’m better than them but because of the amount of confidential conversations I have to have with students, online confidential course leadership meetings to participate in and live online teaching to do- I don’t see how it’s feasible.

SlatternIsMyMiddleName · 09/05/2022 17:24

I would consider being called one half of Cagney and Lacey a compliment. Loves me a bit of 80’s tv, especially showing positive female role models holding their own in a male dominated work place.

I’d be quite happy with Dempsey and Makepeace too.

Tormenteddd · 09/05/2022 17:31

Perhaps he should raise his hand before speaking to you? 😂

theonlygirl · 09/05/2022 17:32

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 09/05/2022 17:11

I like that he used a consistent theme in his comments - 'partner in crime' and 'Cagney and Lacey'. He used crime and partnership - an example from both sides of the law. The continuity pleases me Grin
It wouldn't have worked as well if he'd said 'Cagney and .... that unknown lower-band cop who wasn't a detective and only came in 3 times per week'

love what you did there @DaisyQuakeJohnson

Honestly, why on earth would you be offended by that? I feel you do not want to be viewed as an equal to the person you sit next to. he's just trying to make conversation. Maybe we should all just stop speaking in the workplace.

Norgie · 09/05/2022 17:33

I couldn't get emotional about it.

OakPine · 09/05/2022 17:33

I get why you are annoyed. He wouldn't have said that about 2 male colleagues.

I work in an office, and men make inappropriate comments every day. I call them out on it but its exhausting and probably futile.

Strangely or maybe not strangely, I find it is older 40+ men who are the worst. The younger 20 and 30 somethings are very careful in what they say. They never make racist, ageist or sexist comments.

It gives me hope for the future.

Original poster
Tuesdaytuesday · 09/05/2022 17:35

Tormenteddd · 09/05/2022 17:31

Perhaps he should raise his hand before speaking to you? 😂

Why?

OP posts:
ItsLisaLou · 09/05/2022 17:35

I’m so confused!!! What is your issue? I don’t think any of us understand what it actually is at this point. If it’s not being equated with a lowly admin worker - what is it?!

You keep saying you have ADHD but it’s not relevant…

Can you give us some relevant info?

DogfordCats · 09/05/2022 17:36

If the OP had said there was some misogyny behind being a female academic in an open plan office with professional services staff I could get on board with that. As much as academics are being asked to share offices more these days, it's unusual to be co-located in this way and a male Prof of Materials would be very unlikely to have been asked to sit there in the first place. What's coming across though is that she feels undermined by the fact that the usual physical divide between staff often leads to one psychologically too which means the interactions reflect that. It's not quite "master and servant" but there's an element of that with some people. Professional services staff self-edit more in conversations with academics. As they've been sitting in the same room as each other for so long, OP is being absorbed into the "gang" and the interaction is a sore point as it highlights that the normal boundaries aren't applying.

I think there's a genuine point here that most male lecturers wouldn't be put in that position in the first place, but also unreasonable to not look inward and reflect on the fact that professional services staff (who are very often degree / PG educated, but often described as "non-academic" staff) are still sometimes treated as "less than" within academia.

Original poster
Tuesdaytuesday · 09/05/2022 17:42

DogfordCats · 09/05/2022 17:36

If the OP had said there was some misogyny behind being a female academic in an open plan office with professional services staff I could get on board with that. As much as academics are being asked to share offices more these days, it's unusual to be co-located in this way and a male Prof of Materials would be very unlikely to have been asked to sit there in the first place. What's coming across though is that she feels undermined by the fact that the usual physical divide between staff often leads to one psychologically too which means the interactions reflect that. It's not quite "master and servant" but there's an element of that with some people. Professional services staff self-edit more in conversations with academics. As they've been sitting in the same room as each other for so long, OP is being absorbed into the "gang" and the interaction is a sore point as it highlights that the normal boundaries aren't applying.

I think there's a genuine point here that most male lecturers wouldn't be put in that position in the first place, but also unreasonable to not look inward and reflect on the fact that professional services staff (who are very often degree / PG educated, but often described as "non-academic" staff) are still sometimes treated as "less than" within academia.

Thanks you've understood perfectly. I want to be called by my name at work and not likened to a TV character.

OP posts:
SupremeDreamz · 09/05/2022 17:43

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron OP maybe he just feels comfortable with you and likes you. That doesn't mean you have to like or accept the banter but from what you've said about helping him with his course etc it could be that he sees you more as a friend than some of the other men he works with.

I once worked with a guy who I had lots of (pretty rude!) banter with...if someone else was there and he spoke differently I didn't think it meant he respected me less, just that some people can be professional and have a laugh and in less close relationships you can't.

If it irritated you though, then it irritated you and the environment might be feeding into that. Maybe just be a little bit more formal with him because it sounds like he thinks of you as a friend he can have a laugh with rather than just someone he sees at work.

Original poster
Tuesdaytuesday · 09/05/2022 17:43

@DogfordCats I would feel the same whoever said this. It just happened to be a professional services staff member.

OP posts:
Cuck00soup · 09/05/2022 17:44

Cagney and Lacey were hot and fiesty. They took no shit. (Or crud) to quote Mary Beth.

Don't overthink a compliment.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 09/05/2022 17:51

Tuesdaytuesday · 09/05/2022 17:42

Thanks you've understood perfectly. I want to be called by my name at work and not likened to a TV character.

Show quote history

You weren't.

There's nothing in your post that suggests you were being likened to anyone.

If there was a derogatory tone to the nickname I could understand it, also you absolutely can't say he wouldn't have called two male colleagues Starsky and Hutch.

DogfordCats · 09/05/2022 17:54

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron I just wonder if the receptionist is bearing the brunt of your annoyance of being stuck there and actually what you need to do is direct it towards senior management to get the office situation resolved.

Original poster
Tuesdaytuesday · 09/05/2022 17:56

DogfordCats · 09/05/2022 17:54

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron I just wonder if the receptionist is bearing the brunt of your annoyance of being stuck there and actually what you need to do is direct it towards senior management to get the office situation resolved.

No he's not. I'm perfectly pleasant with him. I ignored the comment.

OP posts: