Irritated at comment at work

[Tuesdaytuesday]

My working environment is a bit odd, in that I am a lecturer but when I started here 4 years ago I was placed on a desk in the large open-plan administrative services office (desk space at a premium) and here I’ve remained. I’ve posted about it before but for different reasons (unable to really focus to work as it is noisy).

I hope this doesn’t make me appear up myself. The person who sits next to me works with me, but I’m full time and she works 3 days. One day last week when she wasn’t in, the (male) receptionist asked me where my partner in crime was and said that he thought of us as Cagney and Lacey. I was surprised, and somewhat irritated. I’ve no idea why someone should think that, never mind say it. My colleague and I aren’t Siamese twins or do everything together though we do attend some meetings together. I chose not to respond to the comment but now wonder if I should have said something. He would not have said something similar to two male lecturers or two female lecturers who weren't based in the same room as him.

What do you think?

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron I mean just with your irritation with the situation not that you've been rude to him. His comment has just stirred up the fact that you feel you're not being taken seriously enough to be given your own office. It could be a better use of your time to badger the appropriate person about space than dwell on this though.

My colleague and I are lecturers and our team call us Batman and Robin. We're total brain twins and we love it. The only debate is who is Batman - we both say the other one is so have agreed we're both Batman at different points. My colleague even has a Lego Batman and Robin on her desk that I got her to represent our relationship. We're both women in our 40s and love being a double team and couldn't be without one another. Embrace being part of a duo....(I may also refer to the larger team of good eggs as the Avengers - and before anyone says I'm aware we're crossing universe's, it's just in good jest about how we work together). I don't think it's sexist or inappropriate at all.

My working relationship with the colleague I've mentioned isn't really like yours though.

Im not quite sure why your annoyed or upset. I wouldn’t even find this offensive in the slightest.

i don’t think it has anything to do with you being female. I have heard the same phrase being used for male and male / male and female people at work.

imo You are being really over sensitive

When do you get your new office OP? I think this thread and your responses have shown that you're unhappy where you are and how you think you're viewed by others.

The comment wasn't sexist. It wasn't undermining. But you feel uncomfortable either because you feel he shouldn't address you like that or he shouldn't see you as a partnership with a lower band staff member.

You're bringing all of those feelings and interpretations to an innocent comment. You've also started a thread about it and posted numerous times. You need to address the real issue which is you feel undermined by the seating arrangements and by being the only one of your seniority sitting in that room.

Hi OP, please bear with me, as I am genuinely confused.

I have read through all of your comments on this thread, and most of the others, and most of the PPs seem to have some idea what the actual problem is with what you said - I don't.
I am not trying to be sarcastic, funny or anything else, I just really want to understand.

Some of the comments other PPs have made have given me some questions as well where the answer might help me. I do know that you don't actually owe me an explanation, but are addressing all of Mumsnet under the AIBU heading, and it might be that a few other Mumsnetters might appreciate any answers too, if they are anywhere near as confused as me.

So firstly please, are you a lecturer at a residential university? (even though I was never clever enough to attend a university myself, before I am corrected by someone, can I just say that I know you don't have to be residential to go to a university if you live near by, I am just trying to understand
OP's actual set-up).
Or are you at a college that most people attend from home, and that doesn't usually offer degrees?

My thinking behind those two questions are that I believe that in many cases (but by no means all) colleges are set in purpose built buildings erected in the second half of the last century, where a lot of the (more long standing universities are set in older buildings, where they tended to have a lot more corridors, and importantly in this case (I think), individual offices - I must admit to being influenced by Inspector Morse here, and having lived quite close to Cambridge at one time!

So my next question is that you said that
"... I was placed on a desk in an open-plan administrative services offices ..... and here I've remained ..."
Is everyone else in that office administrative staff - and therefore doing a different job to you - or does it have other lecturers there as well?

Following on from that question, is your "partner in crime" also a lecturer, or admin staff please?

I think that a diagram could be useful here, because it would be helpful to know how your individual desks are set up, eg. touching and facing each other, or not touching and facing each other?
Or, side by side and touching, or side by side and not touching?
Are your desks placed in little sets of two, or in clumps of more than two, and touching or not touching?
Or (and I presume not for this one) are all the desks set up in rows a bit like in a typical schoolroom?

From your OP @ImJustMadAboutSaffron you say that your colleague (your so called, but erroneous, partner-in-crime) only works 3 days a week, whereas you are full-time, is the relevance of that because the male receptionist is well aware of everyone's working hours and days, and therefore knew that it was one of this particular colleague's day off, so the question was totally unnecessary, or was the relevance because that as your colleague was only part-time, she couldn't possibly be considered to be your work partner-in-crime?

Another possibility I have considered is that from the way you described the whole situation, you are, if you can be honest about it, rather insulted that not only does the male receptionist think that you could be friends with a colleague who works time, but also - depending on your answer above - that you would be friends with and/or have a shared pleasurable relationship with, a colleague who is admin staff, rather than another lecturer?

My take from the bottom of your OP is that you are questioning whether his question could, or should be, viewed as sexist, am I correct in that assumption please?
Also - again please bear with me -
if you do see that question as sexist, can you please explain to me in what way it could be considered sexist, as I really don't understand that - and I do consider myself to be a feminist, in that I believe in equal rights and treatment for both sexes? If it had been a female receptionist asking that question would you still have regarded it as a sexist question - if in fact your concern is that you do think it was a sexist question?

You also said that you didn't respond to him, but wonder now if you should have said something? I am very curious about what you would have said to him?

Now, in your next post you said

Sorry, I have no idea why only part of my post went, and I haven't the energy to re-write it, but that is probably a blessing for anyone who was reading it!

Sorry thing is I didn’t really mean to be rude it’s just a jokey comment and bit like the one he made.

FWIW if you are being treated differently than your role needs by having a desk in an unsuitable space then you should
follow that up with the appropriate person.

Working in shared spaces with anyone can be irritating though frankly.

You’ve said at least twice that this woman works three days a week - I’m baffled as to how or why that’s relevant to anything. You are getting a hard time on here, as I do think you’re coming across as quite humourless and overly fixated on hierarchies, but under all of that it’s clear that you feel undermined by the whole seating arrangement and it is reasonable to feel that way if you feel singled out from your peers. But I would focus on addressing that with those who can help you to resolve it rather than feeling irritated by innocuous remarks by people who clearly feel comfortable in your presence (and perhaps ask yourself if their feeling comfortable around you is really such a bad thing).

It's not about hierarchies at all. I don't make comments like that to anyone at work and I don't want them made to me - by the head of department, the cleaner, the receptionist, a fellow academic, a student or the head of department's PA. I have a good working relationship with everyone I come into contact with and if they

I said that she works 3 days a week to explain why she wasn't there when the comment was made, not to imply she is lesser because she has two kids and doesn't work fulltime.

Someone's sense of humour is individual to them. Perhaps growing up with three brothers and having the piss taken out of me mercilessly by them has affected how I see personal comments, which I really don't like. Many others may not mind this, I do. Maybe I wouldn't mind other things that many others find offensive/inappropriate/out of order/delete as appropriate, who knows. Whatever, I still don't feel happy with this particular comment in the workplace.

I felt very uncomfortable, which was a gut feeling. Not outraged or furious. Just uncomfortable. My colleague doesn't come as a pair with me, and vice versa. I found it strange.

I'm perfectly pleasant with him. I ignored the comment.

I doubt your facial expression was perfectly pleasant.

And this whole thread demonstrates that you are feeling far more than mildly irritated by his friendly, inane, and harmless attempt at passing small talk.

If you say so.

Myself and another person got referred to as pinky and the brain,
So count your blessings 😂

If you generally have a pleasant relationship with him but you didn't like that particular comment what stopped you simply telling him so and asking him not to say it again?

I was concerned about being arsey. Which 96% of people here think I am.

You didn't need to be arsey - just professionally and calmly assertive.

I think that if you are irritated by innocuous, well-intentioned small talk - of the type found in most friendly workplaces, and which most people wouldn't find irritating imo - then the best course of action is to tell the perpetrator at the time so they don't run the risk of accidentally irritating you again.

Two male colleagues at our place are sometimes referred to as Ant and Dec. I don't think it irritates them but if it does, I would rather they said so than feel quietly irritated.

I think a lot of working from home has starved people of interaction and chitchat. So this is probably what all this might be about. I don't think it's on though to assign nicknames to people at work. Someone posted about it on a building site which is a different kettle of fish. Students might have nicknames for lecturers. Other staff well not so much. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

And here we are again:

OP- Am I being unreasonable?
Mumsnet huge majority- Yes
OP- No I am not! lots of metaphorical foot stamping.

@Ilovedthe70s I know right? I tried really hard to provide measured and kind feedback (as most have, by AIBU standards most responses have been pretty gentle and sympathetic), but OP seems determined to take everyone to task who isn’t 100% in agreement with her.

@Tuesdaytuesday I've gone back and read the OP. And all the responses.

Cagney and Lacey ended 34 years ago. It's a strange analogy. It's also irrelevant and a bit silly. Do you like your job generally?

An aside - you shouldn't be saying Siamese twins either. It's politically incorrect and insensitive to say that. Never mind, the problem is with your office location and blurred lines around roles. I don't think you're unreasonable necessarily but I think you have probably "fitted in" that everyone thinks it's ok to speak like that.

I don't know what you would have said to the guy though. Challenging it might be a bit heavy handed.

But you are within your rights not to accept office jokes.

I was concerned about being arsey. Which 96% of people here think I am
On reflection how do you feel now?