To think about having another baby in my 40’s?

[Millymollymine]

I have 2 already both girls aged 6 and 2. In am now 41 so is DH. DH would love a boy and I’m happy with the idea of having 3 children. (Obviously we know we might get another girl which would also be perfect) but the thing I am stressing about is our age. I keep thinking if we had a baby then when the baby is my age i’ll be 84, is that right for a 42 yr old to have, if my mum died now I’d be devastated and she is late 60’s, would I ever be proper help to this child or just a hinderance, it is also making me panic about dying and leaving my other children i’ve got myself in a bit of a state. Would it be unreasonable to have a baby now knowing that due to my age they might then lose their mum in their 30’s/40’s?

With two already, I personally wouldn't.

I’m 10 years ahead of you and in peri menopause. I wouldn’t want a 10 year old now.

Go for it! I know so many women having babies in their 40s, it's not unusual or uncommon these days at all.

My personal experience of this always makes me say no - I had an aunt in a similar position who decided to have more children at around your age and ended up with a profoundly disabled child. Destroyed her marriage and now both her and her older children are deeply depressed.

Obviously that can happen at any age but it's more likely to happen at 42 than 32. You're lucky to have two (so far) healthy children - consider the impact on them if you're not so lucky this time, and weigh the risks.

When your eldest is your age, you'll be 78. That's still quite old. What's another 6 years! If you really want it, do it now. 😄

Having had my only at nearly 40 I do find some of your comments a bit off. DD and I have loads of adventures together and at 49 I’m fitter than all the 30 somethings I know.

But as you have 2 already I wouldn’t add another set of variables into my life.

Considering you have a two year old why the sudden panic about your age now?

Did you have the same worry about age before having your youngest?

Your argument about how old you will be when is largely irrelevant as that may never happen - my mum died at 56.
If you have another child now, you have written off your middle age to child rearing. I'd say 2 is plenty and get through this. Having little ones is lovely but I'm 6 years older than you with a full time job and a teenager and I'm fucking knackered. There is no way I'd voluntarily stick an extra child in the mix. And if my mates did I'd give them a wide berth tbh, I'm not interested in socialising with small children.

Personally if you have to post on this on an anyomous forum then "no" you shouldn't have any more.

Just to point out your now 2 year old would have the same issues about you being an older when they are an adult. It's not like you were in your 20s when you had her.

The advantage all your children have is that they aren't only children.

The issues you need to look at are:

• is there a history of twins in your family. If so can you afford 2 more children.
• how the family dynamics would change if you had one (or two more children) everything from car seats to house size to holidays to activities
• do you and your husband want to retire as you will have to fund them through until they are in their early/mid-20s
• oh and lots of sons don't bloody move out of home. I've met lots of older women who had to chuck their sons out.

I'm not saying go ahead, have three kids, personally I think two is about right. However not sure that your age comes in to since you have a 2 year old. Do the same calculation for your 2 year old and you'd be 82 - hardly a spring chicken!

You never know where life might take you, a good friend of mine had a child at 24 and was dead of cancer by the time her child was 4. My mum had me in her early twenties and died when I was 35. I had 2 in my early 40s, if you want it do it.

Consider how life would be if the child was born with mental or physical difficulties. Do you really want to upset the apple cart ?
And do consider that it might just be that last flush or hormones you get which makes many women crave another baby. Luckily my DH had had the snip by then !

I had my last at 43.
The pregnancy was no more difficult than the ones in my thirties or twenties to be honest. Then again i was fitter later in life than younger. I'm 48 now and still feel fit enough to deal with a baby.
If your ovaries are up for it then go for it!

Of course, if you want, women are living longer and longer, go for it!

My Nana had my aunt at 41. It really impacted my aunt. Nana often got mistaken for her Nana.

Nana was getting old before my aunt turned 30 and the died when my aunt was mid 30s and that impacted her as well. Her older sisters got so many more years with their mum and with her being active.

That said, mum was 28 when she had me and died suddenly last year, aged 66, when I was 39. So Mum having me younger didn’t give me any extra years.

In your position I would not have more kids in my 40s, as you already have them. But nothings guaranteed wether you have them young or older.

The same argument also applies to your two year old?!

You'll be 80 when your youngest is your age so it's hardly much difference. Why are you only thinking about this now?

This is your biological clock telling you to have your 'last chance' baby. Believe me, in a few short years time in perimenopause, when that hormonal shift has happened, you will be happy every day that you don't have more children. Hormones make us do ridiculous things!

I wouldn't. You have two young kids and your 42 - you'll find it a struggle why not just be happy with the dc you have?

No 40 was my very clear cut off. I know I wouldn't cope well with a disabled child ( I have experience) obviously any child can become ill and develope problems. have a head injury etc but I don't want to increase those odds. The reality is they do increase with age.
I also lost a parent young it was devastating and not something I want to increase risks off for my children. Also the idea of my child dealing with me with Alzheimer's in their 30,s horrifies me.
I know we all spout on about everyone has babies In 40's now but the reality is actually a very high miscarriage rate and also the high termination for medical reasons rate ( now that is kept quiet). Also celebs who have babies mid - late 40's plus are often using donor eggs.

You would probably be fine but with 2 healthy children do you want / need to throw the dice again?

Just my personal experience. I had my third at almost 41. I felt young and fit and was completely healthy. A few months later I needed reading glasses, had high cholesterol and was diagnosed with osteoarthritis. All these were age-related. Feeling young unfortunately doesn't make your body young and then you're adding the stress of a pregnancy too. I'm not saying don't do it but I think we underestimate how quickly the body can age in your 40s.

I have a 5 and 8 year old at your age. A few years ago we considered a 3rd, but it’s not just the baby stage it’s the whole cost of upbringing. Now mine are older and starting after school clubs and demanding more expensive toys we are glad we have two.
I was 34 and 37 when I had mine. My mum a decade younger. I do think that if my children have children at the same age, I won’t be as active a grandparent as she is. That was also a factor in not having a 3rd.

Given that you already have young children I don't see it makes much difference if you have another now.

I get your point. I'm late 30's, my Dad is in his 70's and I find it hard. My sister is early 30's. These days I feel very conscious that he's older and we might not have long left, but we could have another 20 years! Or i could get hit by a bus tomorrow. No one knows what card we'll be dealt, we just need to make our lives as fulfilling as possible.

I was thinking this too.
If your youngest was in primary school then I would see you worries but you have a 2 year old.

We decided to ‘just go for it’ and have a 3rd baby when I was 40. My older DCs were 9 and 6 and I’d had them with no trouble at all. Over the course of 10 months I had 3 miscarriages, the first of which was miscarrying twins at 13 weeks. These were so devastating and, although in most respects I am my old self again now two years later, I’m not sure that I will ever really get over it.

Sorry to be negative but I do think that this is a factor that more women should consider re. having late babies. I spent ages weighing everything up, just assuming that I would be able to have another normal pregnancy and healthy baby. It didn’T work that way and I now wish that I had just been satisfied with my two wonderful children.

Would your DH also love a girl? Because you don't get to choose what you get, and it's a fool who keeps going "to get a boy/girl"