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Original poster

To think about having another baby in my 40’s?

145 replies

Millymollymine · 08/05/2022 07:07

I have 2 already both girls aged 6 and 2. In am now 41 so is DH. DH would love a boy and I’m happy with the idea of having 3 children. (Obviously we know we might get another girl which would also be perfect) but the thing I am stressing about is our age. I keep thinking if we had a baby then when the baby is my age i’ll be 84, is that right for a 42 yr old to have, if my mum died now I’d be devastated and she is late 60’s, would I ever be proper help to this child or just a hinderance, it is also making me panic about dying and leaving my other children i’ve got myself in a bit of a state. Would it be unreasonable to have a baby now knowing that due to my age they might then lose their mum in their 30’s/40’s?

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 08/05/2022 11:30

I had an older mum, and I remember being so embarrassed as a kid

THisbackwithavengeance · 08/05/2022 11:41

I had my third child at 40 and it didn't occur to me it was too late or I was too old.

There are loads of older mums now. I certainly wasn't the oldest at the school gate.

People who had 3 kids in their early 20s are always going to think you are too old as they are often grandmas in their 40s. It's just a different perspective and way of life.

If your DH wants another, you want another, it's physically possible and you can afford it then why not? It has nothing to do with anyone else.

SaltNPepperSquid · 08/05/2022 11:44

You’ve got a 2 yr old anyway and time is ticking. I say go for it.

If you had much older children I’d maybe give a different opinion, but you’re right in the middle of raising young children and you want another baby - so why not!

ChoiceMummy · 08/05/2022 11:47

MissMaple82 · 08/05/2022 11:30

I had an older mum, and I remember being so embarrassed as a kid

That's a real shame that you felt that way.

I hope that mine never does and have always made sure that my child realises how yearned for they were.

And let's be honest, as embarrassing you felt it was, would you have preferred not to have been born? I have never heard someone without MH issues ever say that they did....

Sapphirensteel · 08/05/2022 11:48

From personal experience I’d say don’t think of age your kids might be when you die ( you’ve no control over that and they’ll be upset at any age) but think of the teenage/Uni years. I was mum’s taxi for years to sports, late night pick up from parties etc… Then the Uni years, at work all day then a 250 mile round trip to a distressed, crying daughter. Delivering them at the beginning of term, with all the clutter, picking up at the end, ditto clutter. I was a single parent by then so it did fall to me but doing it x 2 was knackering.

BusySittingDown · 08/05/2022 11:52

I haven't RTFT so apologies if I'm repeating anyone or I've missed any updates from OP but...

IMO it's not how old you are but how you are old. Are you in good health? Do you look after yourself? Genetics - have your parents/grandparents lived to a good age?

My parents had me in their late 30s (which in the 80s was quite old). I have to say, I'm quite bitter about it. They didn't look after themselves and my dad died aged 52, when I was 13. I'm 38 now and my mum has suffered multiple strokes, is severely brain damaged and has been in a nursing home for a number of years. She's bedridden and can barely speak. It's so upsetting that all of my friends have healthy parents in their late 50s/early 60s. It feels very lonely sometimes. I don't have anyone to ask "ooh would you watch the DC for an hour?" Or childcare like my friends rely on their parents for.

I get that anyone can become ill no matter how healthy, anyone could get hit by a bus tomorrow etc.

And saying that, one of my bestest friends had her DC in her 40s but she's very active, looks after herself etc. She's now approaching 60 but she's very "young," if that makes sense. Her parents are still alive and in good health too.

JustSoStory · 08/05/2022 11:52

Parents dying when you're in your 40s is not unusual. Sad, yes; a life-changing catastrophe, no.

TheGoogleMum · 08/05/2022 11:53

I'm sure I heard if you have 2 of one sex there is a higher than 50% chance a 3rd child would be the same sex again (something to do with environment in uterus favouring xx or xy sperm) but not sure how true it is, so just be aware another girl might be more likely than a boy

JustSoStory · 08/05/2022 11:56

skirtingkurtain · 08/05/2022 09:22

I always thought it was normal to have babies in your 40s, certainly common in the past. It's just women had more dc & started earlier then.

It was more common back then as contraception didn't exist and no one had any choice in the matter.

Thissucksmonkeynuts · 08/05/2022 11:57

If your dh is up for another one too, I wouldn't think twice about a 3rd. My were that age when I was 41, if we'd wanted another one, we would have tried for another.

IncessantNameChanger · 08/05/2022 12:01

I'm not sure I buy into the being around as grandparent bit. My mum is 77 alive well and hostile to me and my kids. Dh dm and dd are in the 70s and one moved to the other side of the planet when the kids was born. The other lived a mile away and also didnt see the DC. So having fit healthy grandparents when my eldest is now in his late teens he has zero relationships with any of them. Alive fit and healthy but never emotionally or physically available.

catinboots123 · 08/05/2022 12:01

Do you really still want to be going to parents evening when you're in your 50s?

I'd rather die. And go on a cruise.

UpendedPineapple · 08/05/2022 12:03

Well you're not an old parent these days. It's not the same as the 80's where my DM at 32 when she had me was one of the oldest. Lots and lots of people have kids into their 40's.

Would you have another one if you were 10 years younger?

PrettyMaybug · 08/05/2022 12:04

Not a chance would I have a baby in my early to mid 40s, for so many reasons, many already listed. 35 would be the upper age limit for me.

Pumpkinjam · 08/05/2022 12:09

If you want one then go for it! I’d say it’s almost the norm for new parents to be in 30s/early 40s these days.

Your baby will have siblings, a nice life and there’s no guarantees about when anyone will die anyway!

Pinkdelight3 · 08/05/2022 12:10

It's not just the age thing, it's the third DC thing. There've been some threads on here recently about regretting adding a third DC. Course plenty of people will say they're thriving with 3 or more, just like plenty will say they're thriving having babies in their 40s (and teens in 50s). But you know these are big factors to consider, you already have two, and you don't actually sound like one of those posters who's desperate to have another. You said you'd be 'happy' with three, but aren't you happy with two? You said DH would love a boy, which is a whole other thing. I'd stop at two, concentrate on them and count my blessings. But whatever anyone else says, you'll hear what you want to and do as you please.

YayitisfinallySpring · 08/05/2022 12:11

PrettyMaybug · 08/05/2022 12:04

Not a chance would I have a baby in my early to mid 40s, for so many reasons, many already listed. 35 would be the upper age limit for me.

I had my last at 36. First ones in my 20s. It was such a different experience. I managed broken nights etc. with no real struggle with my older children. I was absolutely exhausted with my last. I really believe that having children younger was so much easier. I know many can't choose the age when they have children, but then older first time mums have nothing to compare.

DSGR · 08/05/2022 12:14

I had my third at 41. We ARE thriving.. no regrets at all. Easy pregnancy, having 3 is wonderful, wouldn’t change a thing. Loads of mums at our school gate has kids in their 40s. Times have changed and we can expect a longer lifespan too than years ago. Hurrah

SallyWD · 08/05/2022 12:18

Regarding losing their mum in their 30s or 40s - I think it's sad whenever you lose your mum. I'd be bereft to lose my mum if I was in my 70s! You never know what will happen in life. I had my children in my 30s then had cancer when they were toddlers. My biggest hope at that time was that I should be there until they reached their 20s. That way I'd seen them through childhood and adolescence.

I don't think the fear of them losing their mum in their 40s should put you off. For me personally OTHER factors would put me off! I'm now 47 and I have to say how you feel in your mid-late 40s can often be very different to how you feel in your early 40s. I'm well in to perimenopause now and suffer with anxiety, exhaustion and insomnia. I'm very thankful I don't have a toddler or very little one to look after (mine are 9 and 11 now so a bit more independent). I'm bracing myself for full blown menopause and wouldn't want to do that with young kids.

Also, I imagine TTC in my 40s to be a difficult and possibly heartbreaking experience. I know some people get pregnant easily in their 40s but many don't. My friend started TTC at 41. She already had 4 children she'd conceived very easily in her 20s and 30s. She had 4 miscarriages in her 40s, some quite late and the whole experience was emotionally exhausting for her. This kind of thing would scare me. I wouldn't want all that turmoil and pain when I had other children to care for.

SillySallySassySausage · 08/05/2022 12:22

No, I would not. You have two healthy kids and pregnancy and childbirth are a real strain, not to mention the newborn/early years.
I had my last child at 30 and still wish I'd had the foresight to have her earlier (4 yr age gap)

FrodisCapering · 08/05/2022 12:22

I had mine at 41 and 43. Now they are three and almost two. No issues with energy or dealing with babies and toddlers here!
Also, I got pregnant very quickly both times and have suffered no miscarriages.
Both children are absolutely perfect and developing normally.
There's no reason to expect that the teenage years will be difficult. Yes, some kids are harder to deal with then, but not all!
If you want it, go for it!

whatdodos · 08/05/2022 12:24

My mum had me early 40s and I'm now 27 I do find myself panicking a little bit that something may happen to her or she may get poorly or she may pass away etc. However she has blight me up to be strong and self reliant so I know if anything did sadly happen I'd manage. Only you know if you'd manage or not!

Pinkdelight3 · 08/05/2022 12:25

There's no reason to expect that the teenage years will be difficult.

Nope, no reason at all. 😂

LeeMucklowesCurtains · 08/05/2022 12:30

I had my 3rd at 40.

My other two were 18 and 6.

I do worry about age in the fact that my dad was 47 when I was born. Now that I am 42, he’s still alive but being eaten away with dementia and it’s hell. I am an only child though, so it’s all on me.

But hey - my mum was 32 when I was born. But guess what? She was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and died of it within a year when I was 9 years old.

You never know what life has in store so you can’t live it on what ifs.

AzazaelsFury · 08/05/2022 12:37

Plenty of people have babies in their 40s. I wouldn't do it myself and think it's beyond crazy. 35 was my personal cut off but that's for me. All my friends had their first after 40 and are still not done. I'm well past babies now and too set in my ways now. Would be a nightmare.