To think about having another baby in my 40’s?

[Millymollymine]

I have 2 already both girls aged 6 and 2. In am now 41 so is DH. DH would love a boy and I’m happy with the idea of having 3 children. (Obviously we know we might get another girl which would also be perfect) but the thing I am stressing about is our age. I keep thinking if we had a baby then when the baby is my age i’ll be 84, is that right for a 42 yr old to have, if my mum died now I’d be devastated and she is late 60’s, would I ever be proper help to this child or just a hinderance, it is also making me panic about dying and leaving my other children i’ve got myself in a bit of a state. Would it be unreasonable to have a baby now knowing that due to my age they might then lose their mum in their 30’s/40’s?

And let's be honest, as embarrassing you felt it was, would you have preferred not to have been born?
This is and always has been a nonsensical question. If you'd never been born, there never would have been a you to feel any way about anything. The fact that people aren't really capable of imagining their own non-existence doesn't mean that every potential child there may have ever been should be born, because that's what they (the nonexistent children) want.

It’s a strange way of looking at it. If you want another baby (either sex) try have one. If you don’t want another one of either sex, don’t.

it is devastating when your Mum dies no matter how old you are but I’m sorry, it’s very normal to lose a parent or both in your forties. Hard, upsetting, of course, but very normal. I’m around the same age as you, a little younger and many of my friends are, it’s unusual here to find someone who still has both parents. I’d lost both of mine by the time I was 23. I’m still glad I’m alive.

Personally I wouldn't. I had my 2nd child at 40, not as some people may label it that we left it late to have them but through infertility struggles with both it took a long time. I love having 2 children and have no problem being an "older" mum, being seen at the school gates etc! I am very content that 2 are enough for us, any more I think I would struggle with the tiredness. But it totally depends how you feel in yourself.

I had an older mum, and I remember being so embarrassed as a kid

times have changed though, generations used to dress quite differently then whereas now women in their 40s & 50s look much younger imo

And likewise, being embarrassed of your mother due to her age, was incredibly immature and not recognising that many children have moments of being "embarrassed" of one thing or another related to their parents, but that alone does not mean that a mother shouldn't have a child when older.

yes my mum used to be embarrassing cause she was late for everything!

I personally wouldn’t. Yes you have young DC already so I can see why you would want to but tbh it’s no great revelation that 2 are easier to manage than 3. I have several friends who had babies in their early 40s and the majority had great pregnancies etc and would say they had more energy ‘than most 25 year olds’ (always find that a weird saying- how would they know?!) BUT going through menopause with young children hit them hard and many when from young in body and spirit to exhausted. The other is getting their child ready for uni at 60 and now has a myriad of heakth issues.
Fraility and poor health can strike at any age of course but the older you get, the more likely these things are.
I had all my kids by 27 and was happy with that- I did have a major wobble at 40 but now I’m so pleased I didn’t go ahead

would say they had more energy ‘than most 25 year olds’ (always find that a weird saying- how would they know?!)

In my experience, people I have known base it on how they were in their 20s. When I was 25, my son was 3 but I was very overweight and didn’t take care of my self.

I’m 42 now with an almost two year old and I very much take care of my health now that I am getting older and I have heaps more energy with a toddler now than I did at 25.

I think many people take care of themselves more as they get older.

No it's not

Stop being ridiculous.

Stop being ridiculous.

It's not ridiculous to suggest that someone should stop and really think before plunging ahead with a 40s pregnancy.

I think it is fine particularly as you have little ones. I had accidental pregnancy at 42 but unfortunately I had a miscarriage I'm 44 now and wish it had happened. However, it would have been biggish gaps with mine so youngest would have been 8 and eldest 13 at the time.

Personally, I haven't found teenage stage particularly difficult and I have a very sociable 15 year old so he does need lifts home and reminders on homework etc. We have some lovely, funny conversations. But unlike my youngest they don't need you as much physically so if he's bored which appears to be never, he doesn't need me to fix that like me youngest wants me to. I can ask him to babysit. It is different but not harder. I have a friend in her 50s with a teenager and she doesn't find it amymmore challenging than me. I suppose it is all very dependent on the child rather than the age. My DS was a poor sleeper when little, from day 1 he was always awake so I didn't find that particularly easy despite being 29!

And my DH was 25 nearly 26 when DS was born but his DD died at 50 so my DH was only 20.

Sorry Dad not DD

You might end up with another baby girl. But this time one with sen or with down syndrome because of your age

Its so not worth the risk imo

Well, that was blunt.

YANBU at all. There's not a huge difference between your youngest having a Mum who was 39 when she was born and any future son/daughter having a Mum who was 42/3 when s/he was born.

Anecdotal but all the people who I know have children with special needs/DS were in their 20s when they were born.

Also anecdotal but autism in many cases that I personally know of, it seems to be genetic. Quite a few friends have found out that they are autistic because of their children's diagnosis.

The OP has a 2 year old.

In my area due to having the 2 year old even though she is over 40 she won't get extra maternity care compared to a mother over 35. It would be different if she was planning her first biological child or her existing biological children were all over 8 years old.

And that's to start with.

All the things about menopause, perimenopause, having a child in uni when you could be retiring, dying early etc will impact the existing 2 year old as well.

I wouldn't advise the OP to have another child simply because if you post on here then you aren't ready for one especially if you are really trying just to have a third child of a different sex to your two existing children.

Well again this is case by case. I'm in my 50s with 4 kids, work, dog, gym, social life, volunteer, have been through the menopause. I have as much energy if not more than when i was younger (when i was younger all i had to do was look after myself so didn't test it). When we have trips away with friends i stay up most of the night like i did when younger. My parents are in their mid 70s and I don't see them slowing down.

And I see people younger than me with a sedentary lifestyle, or younger people with fewer kids who can't cope with say having kids sleepover, whereas I regularly have a few on top of my 4.

So base it on you and not anyone else. I didn't find going from 2-3 at all hard. Going from 1-2 was a big adjustment that took getting used to though.

And when they hit their tweens, you just have to throw food at them and buy them stuff and be their taxi and they're fine!

Those who make 84 in reasonably good health are lucky or have always taken care of their body and minds.

Menopause is tough, teenagers are tougher, could you handle 3 teenagers in your mid 50's they need as much as toddlers only you've very little control around their choices then.

If it was your first or even second I'd probably agree but not for a third.

People who want a big family need to start earlier, it is not fair on the DC born one after the other due to time restrictions.

My friend had 3 in 4 years, starting at 38 she is always stressed, no fertility issues just wasn't ready and now she is not enjoying the manic experience.

I know we all spout on about everyone has babies In 40's now but the reality is actually a very high miscarriage rate and also the high termination for medical reasons rate ( now that is kept quiet)

this

What a lovely hazy dreamworld you live in. As a pp said, it's hilarious that you don't think the teen years will be difficult. You are in for a MASSIVE shock! And whilst you are a full-of-beans, mid 40s, energetic mum of toddlers now, you wait til the menopause hits you. It will hit for for six.

And when it DOES hit, you will have 2 primary school age children (close in age,) to deal with, at the age where most people have grandchildren! In addition, you will be dealing with teenager when you're almost 60. You sound very content and happy, but I wouldn't swap places with you for all the tea in China.

That's the thing... Some women of around 40 to 42, (who seem to think having a baby then is just wonderful,) forget that the youthful, energetic woman they are then is not the same person they will be when the child is school age/a teenager.

As I said, she will be a weary, frazzled, worn-down-by-menopause woman who feels every bit her age. And having to deal with school age children when you're a 50-something, frazzled, menopausal woman, and a teenager when you're knocking the door of 60, will be no picnic! Especially as you will very likely be dealing with ailing, elderly parents, and probably holding down a job too.

As I say, rather you than me.

@PrettyMaybug what a horrible post. Sorry if my situation has triggered some bitterness or something.
My situation is just anecdotal, but I've been lucky to have two healthy pregnancies and two wonderful children. I didn't meet my husband until I was late 30s so starting earlier wasn't a choice for me.

I didn't say I was certain I wouldn't have any issues when they are teenagers, I said not all teenagers are difficult. I worked in education for many years and I've known many, many kids who don't choose to go out partying all the time, don't drink or do drugs and are generally an absolute delight. Everyone has their moments though, of course they do. Luckily, I have a very involved supportive husband so we will manage together.

I think I am quite possibly menopausal now. If so, it's absolutely fine. My mum wasn't bothered by it much either.

I doubt I'll be caring for elderly parents in another 15 years, they'll sadly be gone. If not, I won't be providing care, but that's a whole other thread.
I don't actually work at the moment, by choice. I don't need to work, although I may choose to in a few years. It certainly won't be frazzling me though - if it were I'd quit.

We have the time, patience and resources to give our children wonderful and happy lives. They are very much loved and were very much wanted.
I appreciate that you wouldn't want to switch places with me, but I count myself lucky every single day.

If you both want another baby go for it! There’s no problem especially as you feel fit. As long as a baby is loved that’s all that matters honestly xx

Of course not all teenagers are difficult.

My 20 year old ds has been a dream. Obviously the odd bit of hormonal moodiness along the way, but it’s certainly not been horrific or stressful. I know some amazing young people. Not all of them are horrors.

I’ll be 60 when my baby is his age, life will bring what it brings.