To think about having another baby in my 40’s?

[Millymollymine]

I have 2 already both girls aged 6 and 2. In am now 41 so is DH. DH would love a boy and I’m happy with the idea of having 3 children. (Obviously we know we might get another girl which would also be perfect) but the thing I am stressing about is our age. I keep thinking if we had a baby then when the baby is my age i’ll be 84, is that right for a 42 yr old to have, if my mum died now I’d be devastated and she is late 60’s, would I ever be proper help to this child or just a hinderance, it is also making me panic about dying and leaving my other children i’ve got myself in a bit of a state. Would it be unreasonable to have a baby now knowing that due to my age they might then lose their mum in their 30’s/40’s?

And my dad is in his late 80s now, so I won’t be running around after him at the same time. I’m doing that shit now with a baby and an 8 year old.

Who knows, I might be a grandmother too from my older children - bring it on (goodwilling, obviously).

As a pp said, it's hilarious that you don't think the teen years will be difficult. You are in for a MASSIVE shock!

not all teens are that bad though.

I definitely agree that lifestyle is a major factor but we can’t deny the increased chances of illness due to advancing age. A sedentary 20/30 year old is much less likely to be affected by cancer or heart disease than a 50 year old- even one who is very fit and well. My own experience is that friends who have had babies have been fine for a few years and then naturally their energy wanes as they age.
Some people have easy teens, some have a nightmare and there is no telling what you are going to get. Any parent of problematic teens will tell you that it’s nothing to do with how children are parented and everything to do with their brain development. I would not fancy dealing with that heading for my 60s.
Take your point about going from 2/3 but at 42 sadly the risk of miscarriage is increased significantly and managing that alongside 2 kids would be hard. Also the increased risk of a child with disabilities is another factor. I’m still not over the earlier comment about someone’s kids being ‘perfect’ by the way

@Grapewrath I think I said that I had two perfect children. And? I love them to pieces and they are perfect in our eyes. I wouldn't change a hair on their heads. What's your problem?

Saying teenage years won't be difficult is like saying the menopause won't be difficult. Sure some people don't go through hell, but you've still got to acknowledge it's a time of big physical and emotional changes for everyone who goes through it, same as adolescence, and both hitting at the same time is rarely a smooth ride. It's not about DC being "that bad", many are mostly great but it's still difficult growing up, there will be curveballs even with the sweetest kids and it's energy-sapping on both sides - especially when adolescence and menopause hit at once. This may be unavoidable, but to discount the pitfalls ahead as if they're rare enough to not be a factor feels way more naive than optimistic.

friend had one at 41 and another at 43. Seems fine

Please don’t- too many people in the world already. You already have two children and don’t need another, surely? Think about the world when it is born!

Apologies, but you have asked and YABU to do this in my opinion.

The OP seems to have fucked off, but I would echo others on here saying: don't do it just because you want a boy this time!

I'd be more worried about my eggs than your age when they are older .
I have a son with sn who I had at 37, nothing was picked up during pregnancy . He is lovely but it's not a life I would choose for me or my family .

I wouldn't if you already have 2.....what if the 3rd has any needs...I know of 2 older parents whose children are going to struggle to live independently and their capacity/finances are taking a really toll one was 42 and her ds not been in school for 3yrs its massively impacted their siblings and she's now a single parent...no-one to provide any respite and although things may improve (they have sen and mental health needs) there will always need support..

I think there is research which suggests older parents are more likely to have children with needs..

I would enjoy what you have and look at moving forward into the other stages

Personally I would be thankful and happy with the two healthy kids you have. Why risk having a child with difficulties because (like it or not) older mothers are more at risk from difficult births. What if something happened to you or the baby? It's also a lot harder with 3.

I have 3 teens and teenage years are tough, at least until you get used to it. When my lovely angelic eldest became a teenager I questioned everything. It was the biggest shock of my life so far and very difficult. But I learned, I changed the way I was and looked at things and was with my kids. So i have had no issues with my other 2 (and the eldest now too). Not because they are 'better' but because i now understand and can deal with them better.

I am 44 and sooooo broody but probably won't have more. However, dd is a difficult teen in many ways but i still love the teen years...she is hilarious , bright and I love the way she goes off with her mates 24/7. I having a teen at at 60 should be ok as they are very independent. They just need cash, lifts, guidance, boundaries and love.

It’s no one else’s business OP, and people saying it’s too late.. too late for what? Tell that to the millions of women who did just that.

You are early 40s, I would make a decision and be at peace with it, either way.

I am 42 and about to have my third and hopefully last. No choice in what age as I had fertility treatment for my last 2.

Both my grandmothers had their last at 46.

So many PP on this thread paint such a bleak picture of the upcoming 40s/50s, third DC or no third DC. It feels such a depressing outlook to have. I get that menopause can be hard and that teenagers can be challenging. But if those of us approaching our 40s go in with this mindset that it is going to be so bleak, it feels like it will be inevitable.

I had DD2 at 42, 8 years ago - absolutely joyful. I'm calmer and more assured with my parenting and I have only positive things to say about it!

And re: the other parts of your post, I lost a parent when I was a child - they were only in their mid-40's. You never know what life holds, just fill as much of it with as much love as possible x

Lots of people have children in their early 40's, especially among circles where people have further education (postgrad etc). I have more friends who had children in their 40's than in their 20's.

It doesn't sound like you plan to wait another 5 years, so I'd just get on with it if you want to do it. Sadly grandparents can die at any age. Your youngest dc will have their older sisters, and while not a parent, no one can predict the future. It's lovely you are being so thoughtful and trying to see it through all perspectives and realities.

Doesn't matter what mindset you have sometimes it just IS bleak and that's the reality of it.

And sometimes it's just fine.

I am in a much better place in my mid 40s than I was in my mid 30s.

Agree! This disaster will happen, this awful thing will befall you, people will die, the menopause will hit you like a truck, teenagers are awful, looking after a child with additional needs will destroy you, you will have to care for your parents and a teenager and yourself, it will be too much, you will have no energy... and on and on. I'm not saying those things aren't true - we have to weigh up the pros and cons of decisions - but isn't this just what life is like? If we didn't want the trouble of having to 'deal with' other human beings, we should all just live by ourselves and not interact with anyone. Life is not smooth. I'm 40 and would love a third, even with all the cons, I see the chaos as part of life - it's a rollercoaster, great highs, great lows, if I wanted to live my own life and never have any stress or any disruption to my own routine, I would not have had children in the first place. Fill your home with children if you want, fill it with merry chaos and beautiful little faces. I'm not saying you shouldn't think about it carefully, but if you want to avoid any deviation from a basically stress-free life (which doesn't exist btw), then don't have any at all, spend life alone hoping you don't get cancer. My advice: Tomorrow is not guaranteed, so get busy living!
My cousin and I watched our children playing together on the beach, we would not say it out loud but we know it's true: those are the moments, it's what it's all about.