To think about having another baby in my 40’s?

[Millymollymine]

I have 2 already both girls aged 6 and 2. In am now 41 so is DH. DH would love a boy and I’m happy with the idea of having 3 children. (Obviously we know we might get another girl which would also be perfect) but the thing I am stressing about is our age. I keep thinking if we had a baby then when the baby is my age i’ll be 84, is that right for a 42 yr old to have, if my mum died now I’d be devastated and she is late 60’s, would I ever be proper help to this child or just a hinderance, it is also making me panic about dying and leaving my other children i’ve got myself in a bit of a state. Would it be unreasonable to have a baby now knowing that due to my age they might then lose their mum in their 30’s/40’s?

I agree. Seems that given you have ready made the decision to have children later on, and presumably were comfortable with the potential impact on them, it doesn't seem to make much difference to have another.

Probably I would. My children are 27, 19 and 11, two girls and the youngest a boy. I had fertility treatment for my 2 girls and fell pregnant naturally at age 40, having him when I was 41. However, I am so glad (with a child married and another at uni) to have a child at home and all my kids get on brilliantly. He is brilliant company and generally a joy. So I would say yes if I was you I would, but you have a 2 year old anyway so the difference to you wouldn’t be so great. I equally would have loved another girl though to be honest.

I thought you were going to say your other children were much older. You are still at the pre schooler phase so perfect time if you want another. I had my third (totally unplanned and unexpected) at 43. A mum at the school similar age to me so probably 45/46 now who's eldest has just turned 21 has just had another baby. Go for it if it's what you want

This was exactly my experience. Mum had me at 40. Primary school was fine and everyone had plenty of energy. By my teenage years both my parents had serious health conditions and were, frankly, knackered. It definitely made my teenage years a bit crap - and I think they really struggled having a kid at home and would have had it much easier if it was just my older siblings (who had left home by the time they got really bad).

I always thought it was normal to have babies in your 40s, certainly common in the past. It's just women had more dc & started earlier then.

I think there are risks to having another baby. You can’t make any assumptions about how old your parents will be when they die.
I had my third child at 40 so I’m an older parent. I’m also a widow so there’s your dilemma. Life doesn’t always turn out how you’d like it to.
Good luck with your decision.

My mother passed away before my DD was born and it is upsetting to lose a parent at any age. (Not to be horrible but) There is no guarantee you will pass away in your 80s or you could live to be 100! I think if your children are 30s/40s they are adults and despite being devastated at your passing they will ultimately be okay as long as you have raised them to have a good support network of friends and family around them. (Again don’t want to be mean but) Your two year old will be in a similar position to any third baby age wise.

If you want another child and have the means to give them a loving family have one.

I had a baby at 42, he's 11 now. It's been fine although I did unexpectedly find myself a lone parent so that was tough (was married, ex left and chose no further contact). I also had a teen at the time and it was a difficult transition for her. I had no Mum as she had died years earlier and I managed fine, even on my own.

However, with two already, I'm not sure i'd be doing it again. It's such a personal decision though. For me, I have no regrets at all. DS and I have a great relationship.

I don't think 3 years will be such a difference. Your youngest is young so go for it.

I’m far from a green activist but I think people seriously need to consider limiting the number of children they are bringing into a world already struggling with resources. You already have 2 children - focus on them and their future.

I completely understand the ‘pull’ to have more but, as well as my concerns about the world they are growing up in, I’m glad we stuck at 2 because of personal resources - money, time, patience
energy and space. Wait til you reach the teenage years… I found young children a breeze!

I had my third 2 months before turning 42, she definitely completes our family. DH was the one who suggested #3 I suspect he was hoping for a boy after 2 girls but I couldn’t imagine not having 3 girls. If you both want another I’d go for it.

I’m far from a green activist but I think people seriously need to consider limiting the number of children they are bringing into a world already struggling with resources.

tbf lots of countries in the UK have the issue of birth rates too low & ageing populations.

like the UK!

She would be making up for all of us who have no children or 1 child. Have you looked at the birth rate in the UK nations and the demographics of the UK?

I had dc3 at 40, after a really long age gap.
The fact that I will be 80 when she is 40 isn't something I worry about. There was 12 years between my dad and my father in law. My dad died at 62, when I was 32. My father in law made it to 85 when my dh was 45. Life is a lottery.
I would however really think about the costs of 3. Not as small children but as teens. Between about 13 and 21 it was just chucking money at stuff.
Being 60 with a uni student I would say is more of a worry personally.

Does it really matter how old you’ll be when your kids are adults ?

@devildeepbluesea 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 These comments were making me start to stress at having my only at almost 40 😅

My late MiL had her one and only at 44. Widowed shortly afterwards and developed early onset dementia. My ex had an awful life. She lived to 90 and spent years in care homes.

On the other hand, one of my g grandmothers had all her DC between 41 and 50. All fit and well and she lived independently until she died from a fall at 98.

It's totally unpredictable. Your choice OP. You don't have a crystal ball.

I thought you were going to say your other children were much older. You are still at the pre schooler phase so perfect time if you want another.

I agree.

If you want to have another one the time is now before the others get too old. But whilst you’re used to the young stage then having another one shouldn’t be too much of a shock to the system.

Im 32 and couldn’t bare to go back to the baby stage as I don’t think I’d have the energy but that’s because my DD is almost 15 and I’d be starting all again, so it’s all relevant on how old your children are rather than your actual age.

Apparently having 3 can be tricky though as it’s an odd number, but I don’t know about this personally.

My parents had me later in life. They always seemed much older than my friends parents. I was very conscious of that. My DF was diagnosed with a later life disease (along the lines of dementia) when I was still a teenager. Most of my twenties and early thirties were spent helping my DM cope with the effects of this. This impacted on DMs mental and physical health and I’ve had to support her a lot. All whilst trying to juggle my own young children. I know this can happen at any stages but the odds increase with age. We desperately wanted a third baby, and tried for years. Stopped when I was 37 because for me, that was my personal cut off. My best friend didn’t and went on to have a third. Much as I was heartbroken not to have a third I wouldn’t trade with her.

I turn 40 later this year and my youngest will be 5yo, there's just no desire to have another. I have four altogether though, so slightly different to yourself OP.

I felt fantastic at 41 and would have happily had another child. Two years later I felt like I'd been hit by a train and four years later I'm desperately seeking HRT - if I'd had another child I'd have been seriously unable to cope. Not everyone's like me, but plenty are - don't underestimate how much peri menopause can affect you.

Im 41
2 kids both boys - never have we considered another the thought of a third at 41 makes me never want to have sex again quite frankly
Id also be concerned about my age and risk of health issues in baby impacting my existing childrens quality of life

If you want one, can afford it then its not really anyones business

I'm not sure that I find these age concerns any different than would be for your two year old tbh and I say this as an older mother myself.

If you were planning on waiting another 5 years, maybe I get it more.

You could be 43 before this baby would be born. Its too late.