'Escape from it all' holiday gate-crashed

[Ismellspring]

After a very traumatic and emotionally draining 18 months that have pushed us to the brink, my partner and I plus our 6 year old daughter have rented an apartment in a European city for a month this summer. We just need somewhere to escape to, to regroup and unwind. We absolutely need this 'getting away from it all' opportunity to allow us to heal and begin to move on. The looking forward to it is already beginning to have a positive impact.
Now, there is a child involved and that child has adoring grandparents. You probably know where this is going...
Doting grandparents don't live near us (4 hours away) and we typically visit each other every couple of months for a weekend. Come visit us in * instead, we say. The usual 3 days, we say. Remember, we're getting away from everything, we say.
10 DAYS THEY'VE BOOKED.
Don't worry, we won't intrude, they say. We know you need space to recuperate so we'll keep a low profile, they say. You'll never know we're here, they say.
Their apartment is round the corner. She is very demanding and needy. She thinks there's a life rule book and she wrote it. Everyone around her dances to her tune - it's easier as she is a sulker and stropper. We have all been guilty of pandering to her in the past as we are never in her company long or often enough for it to be worth challenging.
I've hit rock bottom. We were so looking forward to a whole month of a different normal and the space and sanctuary to begin to live again.

They would have had no intention of joining you on the holiday if you hadn't have invited them. You set them up to demonstrate their selfishness.

Quick book a day trip right in the middle of the 10 days they are there, do not tell them.
This way you can know your not doing 10 straight days.
Also try booking a child thing as well.

No judgement here. It does sound you very much in need of space. Nothing can be done now. In your shoes I would book full day tours/activities for 5 of these 10 days in a nearby town(s) . Don't tell them where. If you are staying there for a whole month there must be places you can visit.
They have told you ' you won't even notice we are there'.. It gives you a green light not to include them in your activity. You invited them for 3 days, give them 3 days. Spend the rest elsewhere. Even for these 3 days, if your daughter is OK with them.. Leave her for some time with them, go and have a nice brunch or a spa treatment with your husband.
Don't let anyone ruin it for you, you can control it

Are you sure you are not the drama queen in this? Inviting your family on holiday then throwing a pity party when they accept 🙄

Say what you mean or accept the consequences of being misleading, it’s a pain for everyone when people are so PA.

I find it quite sad, but then every family dynamic is different. We joined my parents on several holiday and had a fantastic time (we never used them for childcare though).

Now there's just my Dad he joins us for our main summer holiday. We get along fine - he likes to wander off to the local town most mornings, sometimes one of us will go with him and sometime he'll go alone, it's all very relaxed and nobody is under any pressure to do anything they don't want to do.

You’ve had lots of great advice so not sure I’m adding anything valuable but just wanted to agree with pp that you can take back control of this situation.
for the 10 days they are there make sure you have day trips or an overnighter planned. Book restaurants, tickets to attractions and do not tell them your plans.
decide what days during their visit you will see them and plan accordingly. Or arrange an afternoon out or dinner out. It does not have to be a whole day with them. You absolutely can decide and control this. It’s going to take the last bit of strength you have to plan this and then you can really relax and I sincerely hope you have the time you need as a family to relax and enjoy your month away. 💐

You have very high expectations that your trip will act as a reset.
I think you need to invest time and energy now in to whatever it is you think your family needs.
Need better boundaries - start now.
Need more time with your partner and child - start now.
Need more rest - start now.

By the time you go away you should be prepared to set comfortable parameters.
You can't change your extended family, just how you react.
And don't let 10 days spoil 30.

'We don't want you to visit us for 10 days. Even your usual 3 days would be a stretch. We shouldn't have suggested you come at all. We're sorry. We desperately need this month away as a family of 3 to rest and heal. Please help us do this by leaving us alone. We insist on it. We'll see you when we get back. Thank you for understanding.'

+1

Setting such store on a holiday, even a month long holiday - it is almost bound to disappoint. You have invited them, they are coming. It's as good a time as any to start working on boundaries. If your mother/ MIL starts sulking and stropping, well that's on her. Leave her to it, and get on with enjoying your break as planned.

She is very demanding and needy. She thinks there's a life rule book and she wrote it. Everyone around her dances to her tune - it's easier as she is a sulker and stropper. We have all been guilty of pandering to her in the past as we are never in her company long or often enough for it to be worth challenging.

It's really interesting what a pp pointed out, and then I reread this. Op I think you should reread this too and just think - could your DM/DMIL justifiably think the same about you? What I mean is, there might be a lack of empathy on both sides. Because you are afraid of them intruding/overstepping, you're trying to exert unjustified control (and sulking/stopping because you can't control them). But maybe she sulks/strops for similar reasons. If you could just understand each other's motivations better, by communicating more clearly, there'd be less sulking and stropping all round.

I say this lightly OP, but you are coming across a little bit Harry and Meghan here.
You invited this drama into your life by asking them to join you. You can obviously decide how long you want to spend in their company but you can't dictate how long you want them to be in the country.

Maybe there is another thread somewhere from your DM/DMIL saying "Jesus wept, DD has demanded that we join them in "Paris" for 3 days, I'm dreading it but booked an extra 7 days to make it bearable, AIBU to ask for ideas in how to get through this!".

Talk to them about how much you need to regroup but don't expect that this holiday will cure whatever underlying issues are making your need for escape so desperate. Some problems are bigger than that. I hope whatever it is, you get it sorted and don't let it interfere with other relationships.

CBT helped me enormously with my tendency to catastrophise and I wish I'd discovered it sooner.
I honestly and sincerely hope you find the peace you are seeking.

I understand how you feel but please don't let this spoul your holiday. You get nearly 3 weeks of peace.

Maybe book outings during their stay and have them babysit whilst you and dh go out together?

Yeah this. Sorry OP, but I think YABU here.

💐 sorry your respite has been hijacked in this way!

Negotiating boundaries- dealing with other's wants and needs ... just not having space- I see that even thinking about this is a weight on you.

There are many practical suggestions on here and I am sure you will find your way through this -but that doesn't change the fact that right now it is spoiling the feelings you had about this escape.

Wishing you better times ahead.

You invited them.

They will be in their own, separate apartment.

You expected them to come for days but they are coming for 10, so that is 7 extra days lost out of a whole month.

I thought you were going to say they would be in your apartment for the whole holiday, so this really doesn't sound that bad.

You said you only see them every couple of months so not seeing them for a month would have been normal. There was no need to invite them and I’m not surprised they’ve added some days on to their trip, it makes it nicer for them.

We have suffered so much as a family recently

Have they suffered too?
If so it may be nice for them to be there too.

I think it’s very rude of them to book 10 days. Even 7 would be pushing it.

Fortunately you’ve got a month there so you’ll have plenty of time to yourselves.

My mum would do this too as she has to be the centre of attention, so I know how frustrating it is.

Do they babysit?
If so use the time to get them to babysit as much as possible.

You can’t change it so you need to just put a positive spin on it.
I assume your suffering means someone has died or been very close to it so some alone time with just you and your DH will be nice and you can let your guard down without having to put a happy face on all of the time.

That’s lovely you both have / had zero pressure parents. Parents are not all like that unfortunately. Mine expects certain behaviour from us, to hog the tv and to work to their schedule. They also expected me to wake dd up when she was a baby even though I was clear in advance they were choosing to come during nap time. As for the comment of wanting to spend time with the deceased parent. One of mine is also. I’ve spent over 2/3 of my life with that parent dead as they died when I was a child, thus never even seeing me grow up. None of this makes it any less demanding to spend protracted periods with the surviving parent.

This. It isnt your fault that they haven't followed your instructions but at the same time you seem to know what she is like and that she has form. It sounds from what you say about her that even 3 days would not be relaxing and would be a bit intrusive. If they see you every couple of months, and you're only away a month, they didn't need to come at all. Could see you before and after the trip.

Problem is now you've invited them you can't really uninvite especially as they've booked somewhere. However you can reiterate that you'd said 3 days for a reason and so you will only be seeing them for that amount of time. The rest you expect they'll be enjoying their time entirely separately from you. And then just dont see them more. You have no obligation to.

This is what I would do... now you are where you are, you can't change theirs or your apartment arrangements according to your pp

I would book a separate (very cheap) place about 150 miles away in the middle of their break for at least three nights and not mention a word, and say it was organised when you booked the holiday, as you were keen to see that part of the country.
Given they have booked a solid and very cheeky 10 days, then there is still three/four days either side when you discount travelling days that you can spend together. I or dh (depending if it is yours or dh's parents) would sell it to them as having time to relax on their holiday in the middle and you will see them either side.

There is no way I would entertain ten days.....
So I would work a way to be unavailable for at least half of that time.

Set out a timetable. You offered them three days, so find and book three day time activities that you would be willing to go to with them. Throw in three ( early ) evening meals out, though not at the apartment as well. That means for the majority of their stay they will be seeing the beloved GC on six occasions , but you only have to sacrifice three days ( not evenings) and three separate evening meals. I think you can do that, and it will be lovely for the GC to see her GPs.

it’s a compromise, but you did offer them three days.make sure you have activities/trips arranged for the days they are staying but you are not seeing them, but don’t divulge where or what they are.

then set out the arrangements as a fait accompli.

This is your escape, don't let others taint it. Come up with a solution to fix this.
Yes you really shouldn't have invited them, and the fact you did to avoid a scene tells most of us what kind of couple they are.

A four night break in the middle of their visit should do the trick.

This is all so odd. You invited them because you didn’t want to create drama or bad feelings but why would it? They travel a lot - do they always invite you? Do you always go? Do you spend all the time together? What drama and bad feelings are created by having a holiday? Is it a drama when they travel?
You visit “every couple of months” but felt you had to “soften the backlash” of being away for a month. Why? What backlash? Have you ever been on holiday before? What is the backlash? Even if you saw each other every week why would being away for a month create a backlash? I’m guessing it’s related to whatever it is that has happened but surely that makes it more understandable that you are having a holiday, not less.
Why are you trying to do the best for everyone on your holiday? What is the best?This isn’t the best for anyone. You knew you wanted to get away from it all, and then invite the people you want to get away from and now you can position yourself as trying your best and being somehow accommodating and dutiful while they look like overbearing gatecrashers. It’s rude to invite people and then make it clear they are not welcome when they say they are coming. You have set this up and the only way out is by being actually clear about what you want, what your boundaries are and what your expectations are. It looks like you have decided what you want, decided that for some reason other people won’t allow it, set the other people up to not allow it, and complain the the other people are now not allowing it. If you had said “we are going to Nice from x date to y date. We were thinking about visiting you on a date when we get back if you are free. Or you could come to us.” What would the drama, bad feelings, and backlash be?

I think this is unreasonable. OP invited them. They're staying separately so aren't even imposing for the invited time. And it is up to them if they want to stay longer which doesn't affect OP if they still only visit for the 3 days (and if they decide they want to for longer, OP has the ability to say no). I'd be pretty annoyed if I was invited somewhere, as a result booked accommodation and presumably flights abroad, and then the person said I couldn't see them. And I would still go and enjoy my 10 day holiday albeit wouldn't then see the person who invited me as I would respect their decision but would it impact my relationship with them? Yes. Because they'd have acted unreasonably in changing their mind after I'd gone to the trouble of paying for the trip.

I agree with this. Probably better to go on a 7 day excursion then catch up with them for the final 3 days to avoid guilt tripping about leaving but then you run the risk of getting back to a miserable sulking GP.

As PPs have said, it would have been so much easier not to invite them in the first place as they sound so pushy.