'Escape from it all' holiday gate-crashed

[Ismellspring]

After a very traumatic and emotionally draining 18 months that have pushed us to the brink, my partner and I plus our 6 year old daughter have rented an apartment in a European city for a month this summer. We just need somewhere to escape to, to regroup and unwind. We absolutely need this 'getting away from it all' opportunity to allow us to heal and begin to move on. The looking forward to it is already beginning to have a positive impact.
Now, there is a child involved and that child has adoring grandparents. You probably know where this is going...
Doting grandparents don't live near us (4 hours away) and we typically visit each other every couple of months for a weekend. Come visit us in * instead, we say. The usual 3 days, we say. Remember, we're getting away from everything, we say.
10 DAYS THEY'VE BOOKED.
Don't worry, we won't intrude, they say. We know you need space to recuperate so we'll keep a low profile, they say. You'll never know we're here, they say.
Their apartment is round the corner. She is very demanding and needy. She thinks there's a life rule book and she wrote it. Everyone around her dances to her tune - it's easier as she is a sulker and stropper. We have all been guilty of pandering to her in the past as we are never in her company long or often enough for it to be worth challenging.
I've hit rock bottom. We were so looking forward to a whole month of a different normal and the space and sanctuary to begin to live again.

Went into appeasing mode & proffered an invitation to join them abroad & visit in the vain hope that like healthy considerate people, they’d say “no we wouldn’t dream of it, you need to time to heal”. Except they didn’t. Because they’re not.

They’re not fucking psychic and neither are you. For all we know they’re thinking “now we have do drag our arses to Hamburg in August or she’ll start getting stroppy that we won’t support her again. Fml”

We don’t know. We only have what the OP has written and given that it is written entirely from her pov yet still manages to make her sound…difficult… suggests that maybe it’s not just her mum who needs to work on being “healthy and considerate”. Maybe the apple hasn’t fallen as far from the tree as the OP thinks. Maybe all 4 adults in this dynamic are healthy and considerate and this is a communication error amplified by trauma. Maybe they are a toxic sack of bounderyless nightmares. Who knows. The only thing we do know is if you want to holiday alone, don’t invite other people. The other thing we know is if your relationship currently stands at a weekend visit every 8 weeks then you can take a month holiday without missing a step.

Indeed.

You seem to have left out a few key things there @DockOTheBay in your fictitious reverse. I've added them in to see if they would change your reverse at all.

"My daughter and her family have booked a very long holiday to rest and recuperate after a difficult time. They invited us to join them for 3 days, so we have booked to stay an apartment nearby for 10 days. We didn't mention when we were booking that we've decided to go for 10 days, even though they want to get away from everyone and relax. We often go on holidays away so it wouldn't matter if we went for 3, 5 or 10 days we can always go back again. Granted, its in a big city so we can spend a few days visiting them and then explore the city by ourselves but we haven't mentioned anything of these plans to DD.
DD (who is clearly looking to get away from it all) has just text me to say they've cancelled their booking because we are "gatecrashing" their holiday by staying for a further 7 days to the 3 they invited us for. They're booking somewhere else but won't tell us where and now she's ignoring my calls. I'm really worried about DD, her mental health is not the best right now but according to this reverse I appear to be more worred about the over £1500 for flights and accommodation. AIBU?"

I wonder what people would reply to that work of fiction over yours?

Just send them a polite message saying you are really looking forward to seeing them. You will be available to see them on these 3 dates (at the end of their 10 days) - do they want to do anything in particular on those days? You hope they enjoy the rest of their stay.

Can you book a getaway within a getaway for some of the time they are there and just crack on daft? For example if you’ve booked Madrid can you rent a car or get a train to the coast and do 4 nights by the sea? Or if you’ve booked Berlin can you go to to the country to a campsite or shepherds hut or something by a lake? There will be places the locals go for summer getaways that will be wonderful and different, plus your dd would love it. Then you can come back and have 4 or so days with the in laws, they can babysit two of those so you can have some couple time, and then you’re down to only two days of putting up with them?

Is a getaway within a getaway this thread's cancel the cheque 🤗

Oh dear, what a shame, you'd planned a 5 day mini trip somewhere else which coincides with their visit.

It sounds to me that you now will not get the n
Benefit of the break you feel you need.

Either tell them you are at breaking point and need solitude.. or if rhis cant be said , themn cancel your holiday? Even if you lose out it wont be what the finacial cost of going will cost if you do go.
I assume they booke 10 day as it was more practical for them as three days is not much if it involves a lot of travel.. but the isolation yiu need wont be there is they are so near? I know yiu cd set boundaries , but if you are emotionally exhausted then you dont need extra emotional work if doing this! ( unless it wd not borher you to set boundaries).

Inform them that you have set aside the 3 days you said, from 1st-3rd and cant wait to see them. You have made all your plans and bookings around then but could hopefully meet for a goodbye lunch as well on their last day. Nice little bonus day for them. Keep repeating. If they sulk or kick off you inform them that you said 3 days in the first place and are confused at why they assumed you were free for 10 when you said 3.

In rewarding their overstepping the mark with a full 10 day visit, aren’t you specifically teaching them that it’s OK for them to do this? You can stand up to people without being unpleasant to them!

I can totally understand the initial sense of dread and disappointment you would have felt when you heard they are coming for ten days.

If I were you I would try and reframe how I view this. You invited them for 3 days.

What they have done is tag on 7 days to themselves, as their own holiday.

In some way this could work better as you won't have three solid days together. You can do one day, have a couple of days to yourself, then another and so on.

No need to do strange things like turning off phones, going to another city or refusing to answer the door.

When you get there and get to grips with the city you can come up with a plan for the three days when they are there - based on local attractions etc. You then tell them, as you know this holiday is a retreat for us as we are in need of time alone as a family to heal. Whilst you are here we suggest the following plans (suggest dates and suggested plans). We are happy to share with you other ideas for you to explore the city yourselves.

If it was me, I would plan a day/dinner soon after they arrive. One in the middle of their trip. One at the end of their trip.

They have said they will keep a low profile so there should be no objection to a plan like this.

No, @LookItsMeAgain the first one was much better and more neutral. Yours assumes malevolence and manipulation on the part of the GPs and so it's not a reverse.

Seeing as it costs the same to travel for 3 days as it does
10, they probably thought why not make the most of it and have a longer break.

Cancel and go somewhere else

Except we do know these things that I added into my suggestion because the OP has said as much

• the 'gate crashers' often take breaks away so adding 7 days to the 3 they are invited for wouldn't be necessary at that particular time


• They didn't mention to the OP that they were considering staying in the locality for more than the 3 days they were invited for at the time they booked.


• To the best of our knowledge they haven't mentioned any plans of going sightseeing or spending time away from the OP.

That's as much as I added.

srabd up for yourself and say no, you want to be alone.

Oops, stand ..

You are not being super unreasonable BUT as it is only 10days out of your month long holiday let it go, set some ground rules & take advantage of having trustworthy baby sitters nearby 😜

This grandmother obviously has no idea how much you dislike her. Poor woman. She and hubby want to visit and have got it really wrong. They grabbed the chance to visit you in euro city and decided that it made more sense to stay 10 rather than three days. It’s not as hanging offence.
You don’t want her to know how stressed you are about her. I understood becsuse I find other people very stressful indeed. You don’t want to be rude. You certainly don’t want a confrontation, you just want some space. You say grandmother knows this and has offered it. You say she is demanding and needy. Aren’t we all. Aren’t you? She just thinks she’s being kind and loving. We have no idea of the trauma you have undergone. But I’ve been through some and my in laws crashing my space would at the worst make me laugh in disbelief. And then get on with it. You’re a big girl. No one’s in charge of life. Cool down. Deep breath. Dig down deep for those coping resources and show yourself if no one else how great you really are.

Presuming that neither of you are under medical care, of course you have the strength to set boundaries. And you desperately need to.
Unfortunately, you're going to have to suck this one up as it's too late to back out now, but at least you have given yourselves an object lesson in protecting your time & space more effectively. So you won't need to make the same mistake again.

You still get 3 weeks to yourselves, so focus on that, & get through the 10 days as best you can.

If the IL's become demanding, remind them that the invitation was for the usual 3 days so you were expecting that they had their own plans for the remaining 7.
That's why you only got 2 tickets/a single room for all the excursions or overnight jaunts you've planned for that week, isn't it?

As it's abroad I'm not surprised they have made it 10 days for them. You just need to stick to only 3 days with you. It doesn't need to be 3 continuous days either. Tell them you're turning off phones as you're really taking a full break from it all.

I think that even if they had planned to stay there for only three days, it might not have been possible once you take into consideration things such flights frequency, rules for minimum booking, and affordability. Some flights are very expensive for a short weekend away but are more reasonable when you spend a week. So it might not just be that the grandparents decided to stay 10 days, but that when looking at the prices, 10 days were more sensible than 4. They will spend one day each way travelling/packing, they will probably have plans to do things another 2-3, that leaves the 2-3 days with you and maybe a spare. As said plenty of times above, I would focus on what you would like to do together, plan that, and leave them to it. You can send a message like "we were thinking that we could do X, y, z on the 3 days we are seeing each other, what do you think?" ... and that's it? You might be overthinking!

I would actually tackle this before you go away

Firstly message them and say

I am somewhat dismayed that you've booked a place around the corner, we are going away to get away for the month and you need to understand our phones will be off and we will be out doing our own stuff. I want to communicate this to you now as I don't want you to arrive and have other thoughts about us all getting together when you arrive as that just not going to be the case. I'm being as up front and honest as I can as so not to upset you further down the line.
By letting you know this is our plan it gives you chance to establish whether you still want to pursue this holiday and also make your own plans if you continue. I can't be fairer than that, at least now you'll understand why we are not going to be seeing you whilst away and not take offence.

Reframe this in your head. It’s 10 days so still an extended break just as a family, you say they have said they will keep a low profile so they are obviously aware of your motives for booking the time away - have some faith that they will do their best.
you call them ‘doting grandparents’ so assume they are there to spend time with you DD and not you so do your best to facilitate this - look for local things to do that suit them and your DD without your involvement.
I know it’s all relative but some children do not have the luxury of grandparents so try to focus on the opportunity it offers and what it can add to your experience - not what you feel it detracts x good luck!

Where did OP say she invited them?