'Escape from it all' holiday gate-crashed

[Ismellspring]

After a very traumatic and emotionally draining 18 months that have pushed us to the brink, my partner and I plus our 6 year old daughter have rented an apartment in a European city for a month this summer. We just need somewhere to escape to, to regroup and unwind. We absolutely need this 'getting away from it all' opportunity to allow us to heal and begin to move on. The looking forward to it is already beginning to have a positive impact.
Now, there is a child involved and that child has adoring grandparents. You probably know where this is going...
Doting grandparents don't live near us (4 hours away) and we typically visit each other every couple of months for a weekend. Come visit us in * instead, we say. The usual 3 days, we say. Remember, we're getting away from everything, we say.
10 DAYS THEY'VE BOOKED.
Don't worry, we won't intrude, they say. We know you need space to recuperate so we'll keep a low profile, they say. You'll never know we're here, they say.
Their apartment is round the corner. She is very demanding and needy. She thinks there's a life rule book and she wrote it. Everyone around her dances to her tune - it's easier as she is a sulker and stropper. We have all been guilty of pandering to her in the past as we are never in her company long or often enough for it to be worth challenging.
I've hit rock bottom. We were so looking forward to a whole month of a different normal and the space and sanctuary to begin to live again.

You need to set some plans out well in advance. Organise day trips for
3/4 of the days - then explain you’ll
see them on these days, maybe meet for dinner on another. Explain you won’t be able to see them every day as you have stuff to do outwith these organised events.

How long ago did they book? Maybe a "hope you did not misunderstand my suggestion but we were hoping to spend this time as a three given x, y and z. Happy to spend the usual time with you but please don't feel you need to include us in your plans every day of your stay"

Why did you suggest they come, if you are trying to get away from everything?

^

This.

Stop the martyrdom and tell them they can't come. You'll see them when you get back.

If the OP is as hard work as she comes across on here, the parents in law will be glad to get away.

Simple. Just "interact for three days" and then look at your watch like a solicitor, therapist or sex worker and tell them time's up and you'll pencil in another appointment for when you all get home.

Mumsnet advice on setting "boundaries" makes me laugh.

I think whoever (out of you and your husband) is related to this pair, should speak to them and say that they are welcome to spend those 3 days with you but that you booked the trip away to recuperate and you won't be able to spend more than those 3 days with them. Say that you're both very upset that they booked for so long when they knew that you needed time on your own. If it doesn't go in through dialogue, then write it down and send it.

What you shouldn't do is go on the holiday and complain about them being there, when you know in advance they will be there. Tackle it now.

@mackthepony so the in-laws should lose out financially on a trip the were invited on?

Exactly @limitedperiodonly

@limitedperiodonly very appropriate username 😂

Please don't tell them you are upset they extended their stay. They can do what they want. You invited them. Take responsibility for that. You know they overstep boundaries, so why invite them? But since you did, accept that you'll probably be seeing them for more than 3 of those 10 days. You have 20 other days in which to recuperate.

Yabu for the following reasons (kindly)

1. you invited them and told them the exact location of your apartment so that they were able to book to be so close to yo⁰u.

2. a month long holiday to destress would be impossible for most people, its a huge luxury.

3. you have healthy, living parents who want to spend time with their grandchild, again a big luxury that many dont have

Just go and enjoy your holiday and if you don't feel like answering your apartment door after the designated 3 days, then don't.

It’s not normal to ignore a knock at the door when someone you know well is on the other side. Especially when they have travelled across Europe to see on a your suggestion and their own expense just because it falls outside the 72 hour allocated window.

Its not normal to dictate the length of other peoples holidays

Its not normal to invite people on a retreat.

Its not normal for their to be so much angst and drama about what is essentially a slightly extended shorthaul break. backlash etc wtf

It needs tackling now rather than hand wringing after the event or blanking during. I agree with HollowTalk except I wouldn’t say that I was “very upset” that they had booked because I think it’s an absolutely bonkers expectation that someone should travel to see you at their own expense, and rent their own accommodation, but not tag a little holiday of their own onto their visit. The OP says they travel a lot so they presumably are more than capable of entertaining themselves in a European city. They presumably also enjoy travel so it’s natural for them to want to take the opportunity to do so at the same time as their INVITED VISIT. They’ve already said they won’t intrude and understand the need to not to disturb the OP etc and if this is bollocks then she is doubly unreasonable to invite them.

They don't sound the best, but you're not exactly showering yourself in glory here either.

Also some of the advice and replies from other people on here are up there with a lot of the other usual hilarity that gets said on this forum.

I also, don't think it sounds like this holiday is going to be the solution to whatever it is that has been causing enough troubles in your life to warrant it; even if they didn't accept your invitation to come along.

You usually see them every couple of months. So one month away isn’t hardship to them

why o why did you agree to this in the first place when you could have seen them immediately before you left?

To be fair to them, I wouldn’t have fancied flying for just a weekend and would always prefer longer when I go away.

sorry it’s gone pear shaped for you but I can’t see a solution to this now. Even if you reimbursed them and said they should go somewhere else, everyone will feel awkward

I can’t believe there’s people saying you’ve been unreasonable. Tell them to fuck off. Ridiculous behaviour on their behalf.

You’d really tell your parents to fuck off? You sound delightful.

Did you miss the bit where the OP invited them and hasn’t had a conversation to discuss their plans while they are there.

Dear GP/mil/ whoever,

Of your 10 day stay here, which 3 days did you want spend together? We were thinking x,y,z days. Please let us know as we want to make sure that anything we book/plan for oursleves doesnt clash with the 3 days we intend to spend with you. Hope you have lots of fun stuff planned for the remainder of your holiday.

They're not ruining it. She asked them to come. Yes maybe they're coming for longer but perhaps they'll be doing their own thing too. Nobody should be dictating how long anyone goes away for.

Very much agree with this

I've had, like most people, some pretty awful things happen to me through life, including the loss of a child at 15 months. But Stravaig your ludicrous psychobabble is ridiculous. I'm sure you must have got it from someone's vanity published book.

Why does OP thinks DP’s parents want to spend more time with them than the three days discussed?!

I couldn’t quite find the words to respond to that post but you have summed it up perfectly.

The OP hasn’t confirmed if it’s her DH’s parents or hers. One of them just needs to pick up the phone and have a chat.

Hi All
Thank you again for your huge range of responses. They've given me, as I said earlier, some perspective.
Please don't worry, no grandparents have been harmed (nor will be) during this process! They remain blissfully unaware of my feelings - I've had years of practise. They are looking forward to joining us and we shall ensure they have a great time. We will not be hiding behind closed doors or turned off phones.
We shall, however, choose our words far more carefully in the future and clarify all details together.