DH says he hates our new house and wants to move

[TimeRoStop]

About six months ago DH and I left central london with our DC and moved to the Home Counties. The reasons for the move were that I don't want to raise DC in central london (crime, too busy, quality of the housing we could afford) and to buy a house.

We now live near Beaconsfield, it takes us about 40 mins from leaving our house to central london. We aren't in the centre of the town but have a beautiful, decent sized house in a semi rural area. The community is lovely, DC are happy and both of us work in london (me part time, him full time.)

DH hates the commute. He was born and raised in central london. He misses so much about our old life - his community, the tube, being in the thick of it all, walking to everything. Now we are reliant on a car but the trade off is a beautiful home, garden, safe area, good schools, amazing countryside. I fundamentally believe it's a better upbringing for DC (not hating london just my opinion) and we are in london very frequently anyway, a few times a week!

He has said he can't ever settle here and wants to move back to london but we could only afford a flat. I don't want to move and uproot the family. I hate his negativity and to be honest he is like that horrible stereotype of a Londoner who thinks everything outside of london has no value at all.

AIBU to say no to moving back? I'm worried this will divide us.

We lived in a village very near to Beaconsfield for a couple of years. We absolutely hated it, but for reasons very specific to us. We found it snooty and very insular, and the village school promised so much for our DS who has complex disabilities, but delivered virtually none of it. The school let our other son down as well. When we were burgled and our neighbours didn’t even bother to check we were ok (yes they definitely knew about it) that was enough - we upped and left. We made a major move to the seaside and absolutely love it here. I’m writing this post whilst looking out on the English Channel. Our sons are both thriving. DH and I both work mainly from home (the commute is huge in comparison to 40 mins). But the big difference is that DH and I both felt the same way. I honestly don’t know what the solution would have been if one of us had wanted to stay and the other didn’t. I echo many other posters’ advice though - do give it time and see if your DH gradually comes round to staying there.

ancientgran I'm so sorry, it's really sad you've ended up in this position. I want to say I hope you get the chance to live out your dream, but as that would mean your DH passing away, I'm not sure it's the right thing to express. But hopefully you know what I mean.

Has he made any attempt to 'like' the house or area? It's a big adjustment to move from the city to the country but his preferences don't trump everyone else's needs, especially when you have DC and it's only been six months during partial lockdown.
I'd suggest giving it another six months at least, and during that time, he has to try to participate in living where you are, not constantly pining for London.
I'm much more of a city girl than a country one but as a family you made the move for valid reasons - schools, quality of life, lifestyle. All those reasons still exist. You all need to take the time to adjust before declaring this move a failure.

OP herself said she could only afford a flat in London

In a very specific part of London, presumably zone 1 or a posh central enclave. So he's gone for Beaconsfield thinking the poshness will suffice but now realised his mistake. He totally should have compromised on another area of London. But would OP really have gone for that? She's putting it on him, but sounds like her stance was about bringing the kids up outside of London so maybe he really was compromising with Beaconsfield. Anyway, he hates it, as several London-for-lifers here (me included) would. I think it's worth having the compromise conversation now about Wimbledon/Ealing/Wandsworth/insert acceptable area of non-central London rather than waiting 6 months. Just knowing there's a way out will make a difference to his death sentence feeling. Personally I'd leave the DC out of that convo because they'll adjust either way and both places are good to raise DC in (OP's DH presumably turned out fine) so better not to use the DC as moral high ground ammo and be honest about your own agendas.

As for @ancientgran that is really so upsetting that being widowed is your only hope for self-fulfilment. You sound way too self-sacrificing while he's entirely for himself. What if you went away more often/for longer than one night every couple of years? What if you decided that both of you were moving? He doesn't sound in a position to put the brakes on, given that you'd be doing all the work of it and, as you say, he doesn't go out so it doesn't really matter where he's based. Your happiness matters.

Does he have any hobbies where he can make local friends, have you started inviting friends up to stay, enjoying local pubs? Also does he friends he could stay over in London with a few nights a week? That would be a nice way for him to still keep a bit of his old life, while trying to find the lovely bits of the new.
Maybe just agree with him that you will stay there for a year and then see how you feel then.

I guess it boils down to whether you hate London more than he hates Beaconsfield?
The kids will be absolutely fine wherever.

I had this issue with my ex husband. we moved to Essex. I love it here but he never settled and it was one of the factors in him now being an ex! he moved straight back to London when we split!

I think Home Counties and more rural areas are getting denuded of amenities. When I used to go to Tonbridge area daily, for a year, in the villages, the library service was being cut; cafes were closing, shops were being hit by online competition. Goodness knows what will happen now, with fuel hikes, etc. At the same time, London and other big cities are taking on a village feel and acquiring the accoutrements of country life: artisan bakers, micro breweries, community centres which are well used for yoga, reading clubs, etc. You've got the great, safe cycle paths along the rivers.
It seems almost, year by year, the cities are gaining all the things you want for healthy life, under the mantra of 'eco', and the other areas are being neglected.

ancientgran
You have given up so much for this selfish man. I think your time has come, lovely.
Tell him it's your turn now and if he doesn't come with you he can sod off.

6 months in the winter months, in a semi-rural location, would be enough to test any city dweller tbh!
But the next few months will be glorious in the country!

He needs to give it a full year, bare minimum, and stop thinking quite so much about himself.

In the meantime, is there anything that would put a temporary sticking plaster on the situation? Eg, a way to make the commute more tolerable? A new/better/more comfortable car? An upgrade on his train ticket?

I do and I struggle with the same issue.

I hope the OP and her husband can work out something, ending up in my position isn't something they should settle for.

You are worried this will divide you..he isn't! Tell him he is a parent and needs to grow up.

Presumably he wasn’t pressured into the move and he also wanted to leave! I think he’s being a bit daft, he’s got a wife and family and should be thinking of you all, not his 40 minute commute, bloody hell my husband travels 90 mins each way to work which he never complains about, most people don’t live on the doorstep, they have to travel! Surely he should be thinking as you are it’s a much nicer place to live to bring up your children!

It seems almost, year by year, the cities are gaining all the things you want for healthy life, under the mantra of 'eco',

But many are not losing the things that drive many people away from city life...pollution, congestion, overcrowded living, etc.

I'd disregard the commute element. I think it's a bum steer to keep saying "it's only 40mins". Obviously most commutes are longer than that even within London so it's not about that. It's about hating where he lives and wanting to move back.

I wouldn't call him selfish, maybe he just wants different life for himself and for his family. I wonder if the 40 minutes commute was from door to door, what exactly he's missing, what you did in your spare time before and what you could do now.I also don't think that 6 months after the move is not long enough: it's ok not to be settled fully but you can't be completely unhappy and miserable - it's a bad sign.

Well you have incompatible views. I share views with you about where I'd rather being up a family. You and the DC are happy and settled so you would all have to uproot yourselves just to please him (and waste money on moving costs). He needs to give it longer then decide if his desire for city living outweighs his desire to live with his family. If where he lives is more important to him, it doesn't sound like you would have a very happy relationship anyway.

to be honest he is like that horrible stereotype of a Londoner who thinks everything outside of london has no value at all

But he's born and bred in London, surely he's allowed to love his hometown, where he's spent his whole life? That's not a horrible stereotype. Loads of people feel that way about their hometowns.

People talk about 'London' as if the whole city is crowded and dirty and crime-ridden, it's just not true. We're in zone 3, it's surrounded by parks, there's hardly any crime, and you can hear a pin drop at night. My son is having a wonderful childhood here, far better than in a small village -- he's got the world at his doorstep, we walk everywhere, and he'll have so many opportunities as he grows older. That's much more important to me than a big house.

Is it 40 minutes door to door? Or 40 minutes from the door to the car park, with good traffic, then another 10 minute walk to work? Because in that case his one-way commute could be an hour or more. That's up to 10 hours a week gone.

We moved from zone 4 (NW London) to High Wycombe in 2019 for similar reasons (had an 8 month old and did not want to raise them where we were) it took us a good year to fully settle as its very different to London, but now I can't imagine living anywhere else.

YANBU for not wanting to move back to London, its not something I would ever consider if I'm honest.

I think 6 months over winter and covid has probably not helped your husband feel settled in your new home.

I don't like this assumption that you are thinking of the children and DH is only thinking of himself. Presumably DH had a happy childhood living in the city and doesn't feel he missed out. You do say it's only your opinion that the country is better, but at the same you say his view is "madness". That's like saying that DH's childhood isn't good enough.

There are going to be pros and cons to both places, for the children as well as for yourselves. Commuter villages can be extremely dull and isolating for teenagers.

I agree your DH needs to give it longer but I can see why he's unhappy. I was brought up in an outer London suburb and that wasn't anything I aspired to for my family.

”I feel like I'm thinking about the DC and he's thinking about himself. I don't want to raise them in central London, I personally don't think it's very safe and I also find it too busy.”

I think perspective is incredibly insulting and unhelpful. He’s not objectively wrong to want to live and raise kids in London. You want to be in the country and he doesn’t. Your want is as much about you as his is about him. London can be a brilliant place to grow up as can the Home Counties.

I really don't understand comments like this. What about his behaviour means he needs to grow up?

Why do OP's wants to live in the sticks trump his wants to live in the city? A rural upbringing isn't intrinsically better for children - in fact, as they grow older, it can be a real pain as you end up driving them everywhere to facilitate their hobbies, jobs and social lives.

He's live in London all his life - it's totally understandable that he's struggling with such a big upheaval - and rural/small town life isn't for everyone.

He sounds incredibly naive. 40 mins is pretty good for a central London commute. What did he expect when you bought the place?

near Beaconsfield

It depends where near Beaconsfield you are iMO. Beaconsfield is nice but nothing like London..

Some of the towns nearby are more like villages