to pull DD out of residential trip?

[Irishshamrock]

Year 5 and off on 3 night PGL next week
Kids have been told for months they will find out what room they are in the Friday before they head off - yesterday!
Kids came out, some in tears as teacher has now decided to tell them on arriving at the hotel instead
DD up all night worrying as she’s a quiet soul, outwardly confident but actually very nervous and only has one very close friend.
Without being in a room with this friend she never would have agreed to go but at parents evening I was assured she would be unless any falling out etc - there hasn’t been!
How can I confidently send her when I don’t know for sure?
WWYD?

"Then they should have foreseen having to do this, rather than promising the children they would tell them (who they would be sharing with) on the Friday before they leave and then not telling them."

Yes, they must have a very compelling reason that justifies changing the plan and risking disappointed children/parents. It won't have been done lightly.

OP said another year group has just come back. I wonder whether they had advance notice and it didn't work very well.

OP, I do understand, but even if you are trying to hide your own anxiety your dd will pick up on it.

So many kids are anxious about things these days, I think it's important as a parent to gently encourage them to do the things that make them anxious rather than avoid them altogether. Like many things in life, the fear and worry about situations is often worse than the thing itself.

If you're wavering so will she.

Personally I think it's best that room allocations aren't revealed until they get there. They probably shouldn't have told the kids they would be told on Friday, it makes it all a big deal and some will worry over the weekend.

I would be breezy about it if she starts to worry about the room.

@BunsyGirl I'm sorry it wasn't a good experience for your ds but really 9 months on to still be upset over it is a bit much. Not everything we do in life is guaranteed to be successful and some things we do will be shit! That's life. You take a gamble on whether something will be enjoyable or not and if it isn't, it's really not the end of the world. If the only thing he didn't enjoy throughout primary school was the residential, that's a pretty good primary school experience! If it was my child, I would commend him for giving it a go and hope he has a better experience next time.

If you’ve ever had the delights of taking children on a residential, you’ll understand that there is plenty of time in between the end of school yesterday & the date of departure for a veritable War & Peace thick dissertation to be written on the number of fallings out, disagreements, resolving & disintegration of friendships within your class, and that’s without the parents mithering for the next week trying to organise their children in rooms or groups that may be unsuitable for whatever reason.

I’ve done lots, both in school & voluntarily.

It would be far better to help your child resolve coping strategies to deal with any anxieties she may face. What if your daughter’s friend becomes ill or has an accident & doesn’t go on the trip? What happens if in a year your daughter doesn’t get into the same secondary school as her friend? What if her friend plays with other kids in the class?

I’m sure her teacher will be arranging the rooms with friendship groups in mind. Or there may be a pastoral reason why she isn’t placed in the same room. Guaranteeing your daughter that she will be together with that friend is unhelpful and irresponsible.

Unfortunately, many cases where this kind of parental anger is directed at the teaching or volunteering staff is due to the anxieties of the parent being reflected onto the child. Indeed, parents with anxiety will subconsciously be priming their child to be anxious, and as someone with anxiety myself, you have to make damn sure you give your kids coping strategies so they are able to move through situations that can cause anxiety to even the most robust & rambunctious of child.

Rest assured, every child on that trip will be having an anxious wobble. It’s how they deal with the situation that matters.

Teach your daughter how to use her voice. It’s very normal for kids on residentials to have a wobble or sad moment. And teachers are well trained at dealing with them. Priming your daughter to be anxious about the sleeping arrangements before they’ve even stepped foot on the bloody coach will only have the teacher rolling their eyes as the bus trundles round the corner out of sight & your Flossie is chattering happily with their peers.

I think it will be good for her actually to branch out. Sometimes we do need to be forced into a situation where it turns out you make bonds and new friends. Sorry but I think it’s a terrible idea to show her that having to spend time with others is such a bad thing that you’re removing her from that situation. It’s not fair on her or her one friend either, kids need more than one friend especially by year 5!

@bendmeoverbackwards he’s not upset, he never was upset. He’s not the type of child to get upset. He just hated the experience and doesn’t have anything positive to say about it. My point is that they are overrated and if your child doesn’t want to go on one I wouldn’t send them.

I was wondering why the girl's going anyway.
Did OP force her?
Or did best friend get excited about it, making daughter want to go as well?

Op doesn't seem like the first type to me..

@TheMadGardener the first paragraph makes me think you might actually be me!

I’ve never told the children ahead of time who they will share with- this thread reminds me why. I ask for 3 friends in a list and spend hours (yes, I mean that) with lists all over the floor- no one I work with dates talk to me while I do it as it’s almost the most stressful part of the preparation.

Please consider the work that goes into these trips: staff don’t have to do them, aren’t paid overtime (well, teachers aren’t) and deal with a lot of shit to put them in place. I’m always asked how my “holiday” was, I smile through gritted teeth.

Once it’s over and I’ve had a good night’s sleep, I can think about how amazing it was for the children!

You may not be the only parent with this issue. What is the teacher to do if ten parents contact them about room sharing with their friends?

The teacher probably has room plans in mind already (she should have, by this time) and has had second thoughts about telling the children, because of possible repercussions from parents.

Please don't pull her out of the trip, she will very probably enjoy herself.

Is this life now? I went on PGL in year 7 and wasn't told until when we reached. Ended up with 3 girls 2 years above me. They were rough girls but were lovely with me.

You don't know what will make/break the experience, so let her live.

I'd just say 'teacher x said you will be fine' to reassure her without lying. Then send her off. Who knows she could make more friends and come home happier.

I wouldn't make her go.what does she want to do.if she is terrified and adamantly telling u she can't go do not make the poor girl.all this building resilience crap.there comes a point or with certain kids that that shit just don't work.they don't cope like others and can in fact trigger a spiral of suffering and I'll mental illness. Or fuel one already there.and add to pressure,shame guilt and not being able to trust she can come to adults when she can't cipd with situations.
Some kids can't.sone kids ate just sensitive and can't cope with this stuff.is it right no but think how bloody awful it feels to be in that body and head that can't deal with it.
You no your child.if this is something bigger than a slightly nervy dd episode then dont push.it will worsen herbicides and your relationship.she needs support.
I'm all for pushing kids,standing tall for them so they can see how strong they can be with new and scary things.but some kids are not able,or poorly and just can't deal like others.

What does your daughter want to do? Go and take a chance that she’s not with her friend or not go? If she doesn't want to, I wouldn’t force her.

Anyone that is talking of it making her more resilient, saying you are making a fuss etc, they’ve either never had a child like this or they don’t take their children’s concerns/anxiety seriously.

Dealing with a child with with moderate to severe anxiety, possible ASD is very different to a child that is just a bit nervous about things. Telling children with this level anxiety to toughen up, it’ll help your confidence, they need to get more resilient, blah blah blah can actually destroy any confidence these children have and have a really negative affect on their trust in you and mental health.

Listen to your daughter and follow your instincts OP. Have you spoken to a doctor regarding potential ASD? This may be helpful if she does have it, to get support going forward at secondary school.

That may be true for your child but many others have a great time. Including those who were nervous or reluctant about going but ended up enjoying it.

Well, by the sounds of it, OP's DD wouldn't like being ditched, so she shouldn't do it someone else.

It's not a nice thing to do, regardless of Aspergers or anything else.

I have Aspergers btw, I know how hard change can be. But it's not nice to dump your friends because you feel anxious and upset.

Even if the friend doesn't care, the friendship between her and DD will change if she goes alone - she'll end up talking to other people and maybe making new friends.

I wouldn't put my daughter through this & I think the school/teacher are being hugely unreasonable by moving the goalposts st this stage.
My daughter is autistic & just wouldn't cope with plans changing & unknowns.
Really unreasonable of them.
I would make an appointment with head teacher in person or by telephone &'say you're on the verge of pulling child out due to goal posts moving & you want a refund.

They shouldn't gave given a time they would
Discuss rooming if they weren't prepared to do so.

You are being utterly ridiculous! Poor teacher and your poor DD you can’t wrap her in cotton wool all her life!

Just wondering if it’s the length of the trip that is also bothering you? If it was 1 or 2 nights would you be happier?
my daughter went on one for 4 nights aged 9. It was too long for her and sadly made her anxious and we had to access counselling afterwards! Thankfully 6 months later she is the confident girl she once was. I wish I had gone with my gut and told her, ‘you are going, but I’m picking you up after two nights. If you don’t want to come home then you can stay!’. That would have made her a lot calmer about the whole thing. I teach her resilience in other ways. I send her to clubs and groups where she doesn’t know people. I know how to push those life boundaries to ‘teach’ her resilience. When she is older I will insist she tries a residential type experience again. But I wish I hadn’t forced her on the one size fits all trip that I knew was too long….but I thought I was being a wimp, and pushed myself to push her 😂
Just go with your gut instinct and do that. Life is too short to be so troubled. Xx

You are letting your own anxiety fuel hers. Encourage resilience instead. It's hardly going to be in the teacher's best interests to put children together who don't get along! So maybe have faith in her decisions and reassure your daughter that it will be ok.
You are being hugely unreasonable.

I was exactly the same as a child. It would have been awful for me to be separated from my particular two friends. Teachers always used to try and split us up to encourage us to make other friends-- but its wrong to think that any kids can be mates just cos they're kids. So if you think this will mean she'll have a terrible time, don't send her. Or ask her if she wants to take the risk. How does her friend feel about it?

I understand your perspectives and frustrations op, back in the day id be similar mindset, as it is, I guess resure your dd and give her the option of what she would prefer to do.

Young people (children and teens) have to accept that there are going to be many things in life that are out of their control. I believe its a good opportunity to teach your daughter how to tolerate the uncertainty. If you pull her out I suspect you will just set the expectation that when you can't know for sure, you don't bother even trying. It doesn't take long for children to take these instances as messages that the world is a dangerous place and uncertainty is intolerable.

At the same time I can completely get why the OP would be concerned, it makes complete sense.

I think it's a massive overreaction to consider pulling her out. You would be better off focusing on the positive things that she can look forward to and working with her on coping strategies if she isn't put with her best friend. Kids do need to learn to cope with this kind of stuff, it's part of growing up. Just have a word with the teacher on Monday morning regarding dd's anxiety about the sleeping arrangements and then trust the teachers to keep an eye on her. And make sure that your dd knows that you will come and get her at any point if she is really unhappy.

They do this on purpose so that parents don’t contact them to ask to change rooms. They do generally ask each child for the name of a couple of others they want to share with. Did that happen?
i think you’ve had quite a few nasty comments from people who don’t really understand anxiety. It’s generally the fear of the unknown and it’s encouraged that kids are given some sort of loose plan at least. Ie they know they will share with someone on their friends list at least, they have a rough timetable, they know what activities, they know which staff will be there etc. Has that happened?
my kids were fine but got to say there were definitely children who cried at night. And when one starts it’s infectious! Generally they comfort each other and probably builds resilience but really depends on how caring the other children are. Could you make it known that you’ll go and collect her if she’s not happy?

I think you’ve had some harsh replies on here OP. Your DD is still little and I would definitely not force her to go away for 4 days if there was a chance she’d be utterly miserable. It’s a massive shame because she could miss out on an amazing time, but ultimately it’s her choice and she will probably choose not to go without that guarantee that she’d be with her friend.

I work in a school and our year 5 are off on a PGL residential next week too. The HOY has been on the brink of a nervous breakdown sorting rooming because this particular year group (and parents) are quite challenging. She had an argument with another year 5 teacher in the staff room last week because they disagreed on some of the pairings.

They really do take it very seriously.

Even if they had told them on Friday, what would have happened had she discovered she hadn't been paired with her best friend? The weekend would have been horrendous.