To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

[marshmallowbooks]

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

Wow. Wonder what he'll have to say for himself this morning.

I'd be telling him he can either wear nappies, give up binge drinking, or leave. It's not like it's a one off he knows he might piss and still did it.

OP I haven’t read the full thread, but I have read all your posts. My husband used to be like this 10-12 years ago. It got to the point where he sought help from the GP about his relationship with alcohol. He wasn’t an alcoholic as such - he didn’t drink every day or anything, but he was incapable of going out with his mates and having a few without it getting completely out of hand. He found the support he got (group councilling I think) really useful and doesn’t do this any more. I would suggest you encourage him to get some help. Semi regularly losing phones, vomiting or weeing on the carpet are not appropriate behaviours for someone in their 30/40s with young kids. You know that, I’m sure he knows that.
the texting thing is a separate issue, annoying yes but I’d let it go if it’s not urgent and he doesn’t go out often.

I think the frequency is a bit of a red herring and making you (and him) feel it isn't that bad. If he was at it every week it would be awful, but it is only the odd time... so no that much of a problem...

Except he would do it weekly if he was out weekly. He does it every time he goes out.

I have been messy drunk before, but maybe 5 times out of a hundred nights out, over several years. He does it every time

Also the question should not be "is this worth you (OP) ending your relationship"

It should be "are your drinking binges (DH) worth losing your relationship"

He has a drink problem,he needs to face this and seek help.I for one would never accept this behaviour especially with small children.You need to either put up with it and moan or take other decisions re your relationship.Your choice but never clean up after him,take the children out so they don’t witness their drunk out of control father.Children do not forget.Good luck.

Hi OP, I am sorry but your DH has a problem with alcohol and should probably not drink it at all as he cannot moderate. Go on the AA website and see what resources there are for families.

Alcohol is a normalised tolerated drug in our society but it's still a drug.

My DSis had a thoroughly miserable time housesharing with an individual like this so I feel for you.

I think you’ve had a hard time on this thread OP.

I do think you maybe need to realign your expectations around contact when he’s out. It would be antisocial to be stuck to your phone when you are out and it’s nice to switch off for a couple of hours.

I can see why you are anxious about the irresponsible drinking though. That behaviour is unacceptable in terms of bodily fluids. It’s not normal, it’s vile and it’s a massive problem. He can’t keep his word and it’s disgusting. He either doesn’t recognise that this is a problem or he doesn’t care but it IS a big problem.

You are going to have to put a boundary in OP - which I guess feels uncomfortable because apart from this your relationship is good.

Just have a think for a minute about one of your DCs telling another responsible adult that their father gets drunk and pisses on the chairs and one day he or she sat in it.

If they said it at school or nursery ?

What i'm trying to do OP, is make you realise that this has now gone beyond an ''oh my DH is such a plonker, how DO i put up with him ...'' situation.

It needs to be sorted out.

@marshmallowbooks what you do now is leverage the urine-soaked sofa to deliver consequences that will prevent this from happening again. However you do that is up to you - you can go nuclear on him, make him clean it/pay for a new one (that would be a given for me), take yourself away for the day, shame and embarrass him by bringing it up later, in front of others if necessary, stay properly cross with him for a while, have a very serious conversation with him, a combo of all these - whatever. What you do not do is let it slide or minimise, or sulk for a couple of hours then move on. See the ruined sofa as your tool.

Pissing on your new couch is embarrassing. He clearly can not handle drinking. Honestly though it sounds like both of you go out and get pissed quite a bit and even if not “a problem” maybe look for other ways of unwinding and having fun in your free time. You’ll feel healthier, have a less piss and vom soaked home, save money. Win win, no?

I don't even take my phone when I go out drinking! That way I don't have to worry about breaking it or losing it or sending drunk texts. Chill about the lack of response, just don't text him in future.

The lack of stop button/bodily fluids would bother me. A lot.

And if your answer is the DCs don't know because you've lied or hidden it from them ... think about that even harder.

When I'm on a rare night out, it really pisses me off if DH or DM indeed, try to get in touch.

Quoting this as it is a really good post! You need to do this OP. I’m so sorry this has happened, it’s shit for you. Your poor children don’t need to see this and think it’s normal. Imagine what they will tell their friends, friends parents or teachers?

This thread is an interesting read. Talk about missing the point. The whole thread seems to be about texting. Him not being very responsive to texts, is understandable if he’s on a night out and not a big deal.

For me the reason he goes silly when he’s on a night out is because he’s kept on such a tight leash so he’s goes mad.

It’s like if you restrict a child from having sweets. As soon as they get the chance they’re going to go mad and eat sweets until they’re sick.

So although his behaviour is very bad, OPs actions aren’t helping.

He is an adult and can do what he wants. But that means it’s also his responsibility to deal with the consequences like paying for a professional cleaner.

As PPs have said, I would tell him to get a hotel every time he goes out because he’ll have to be responsible for paying for professional cleaning if he pisses himself.
I can’t see OP allowing that though.

Hi OP I get it, completely, about a year or so ago that was my DH. Except instead of bodily fluids, he would fall over and sometimes really hurt himself. He didn’t drink indoors, we would drink together if we went out for a meal etc and have absolutely no issue however when he went out on his own with some friends I would be really on edge because it was the same sort of thing, stumbling home at dreadful hours in an absolute incoherent state. I’d be worried sick. It wasn’t frequent but it was frequent enough. And he’d been like that in the 20 years I’d known him. It has always been an issue for me but it I was infrequent enough for me to ignore it I guess until it started impacting our DC.

It came to a head when our DC saw him at his absolute height of drunkenness…he fell over and it was very embarrassing and DC were really really upset.

It was make or break for me. I couldn’t deal with the worry, of being on edge, the total lack of caring how his actions impacted on me/DC and actually the whole not caring about his own self.

DH took himself of to a friends for a few days. Really reflected on things and spoke to an alcohol helpline and had a couple of follow up sessions with a counsellor. Binge drinking is recognised as the first stage towards alcoholism even though I have never thought of him as an alcoholic in the typical sense but nonetheless he had a problem with alcohol.

After that he made a conscious decision that it just wasn’t going to happen anymore. He still drinks on occasion. I drink more than him to be honest. He’s been out with the same social group since and when the shots are coming round for example or chasers he’ll say ….no not for me, I’m not getting involved, I have a problem with alcohol etc and he’s quite open about it and doesn’t succumb to the peer pressure to drink til he drops.

He’s got some really close friends that have been incredibly supportive of this change. Now he goes out and I’m not worried and I truly never thought that would be the case.

Well no, but I may think it. And posting on AIBU you have asked the question.

OP, would an adult regularly drinking and then leaving piss and vomit for his family to find and deal with have been considered just a part of life where you grew up? I’m just trying to understand why you are anything other than completely repulsed and indignant. This is not normal behaviour. It is disgusting. Please don’t raise children who think this is acceptable and unleash them onto civilised society.

Also, we text all the time during the day.

Why? What is so important that it can’t wait until you see each other? I would hate these constant interruptions to my day. You both sound very needy.

but could you really relax knowing he'll probably come in and be sick/piss everywhere when you've got a 5 and 3 yo in the house?

That is unacceptable. I would say that next time he goes out he stays in a Travel Lodge or hotel and they can deal with him.

Living with someone who can't handle their drink to the extent they keep pissing themselves and being sick, is absolutely ridiculous and not something I'd ever put up with.

Me neither. I would feel inclined to lock him out.

However, this really doesn't happen often. Other than this he is a great husband.

Yawn. No, he isn’t. A great husband doesn’t get so out of control drunk and bring his out of control drunk friends after an evening’s binge drinking. There are umpteen threads on mumsnet along these lines – “my husband beats me up every night, but other than that he is a great husband”, “I am a SAHM and have no money, and my husband gives me £10 a month to live on, but other than that he is a great husband”.

I agree with the comment about the “cool” wives and partners. Getting so drunk that you can’t control your bodily fluids is completely unacceptable. I might expect a teenager to do this, but not an adult with children. It is perfectly possible to get merry, but not out of control drunk. I do have an off switch because I hate being out of control, and I hate being sick.

he doesn't want a single lad life.

Well, he needs to stop behaving like he does then.

Now I need to figure out how to handle it!

You lose your shit at him. Tell him to grow up and that next time he goes out drinking he stays in a hotel or elsewhere and doesn’t come home until he has sobered up. Please get your head out of the sand. He is a problem drinker.

I think some of the replies last night were rather harsh op.

I don't know how you can feel anything but distain for him. It's such a selfish way to behave. One off - it happens. Every time he goes out - unacceptable.

The having a lie in wouldn't bother me as DH and I would do it after a night out and we'd both let the other sleep in as it's the late nights that we can't cope with. And we don't really text each other on a night out unless it's to show where we are if it's somewhere the other night like or to show our dinner (yes we are that sad!) But in your case I think it's because it fits in with a negative pattern of behaviour which all adds up.

How do you think you can resolve it or are you just going to put up with it?

OP I've read your responses and some of the comments suggesting DH has an issue with alcohol. I'm not really sure that's the case as he seems to have self control when he drinks with you but not with his friends. I understand you saying this is not often but, at his age with his responsibilities, it should not be happening at all. He's aware of what he does when he drinks too much and has no consideration for his family if he continues to do it. Are his friends encouraging him? Do they know what he's like and find it funny? Next time he goes out suggest he stays with one of his friends. Let him piss on their sofa.

Pissing on the new sofa, disgusting.

It clearly is a problem and will affect the DC in a negative way.

Most people underestimate how much they drink.
It might be helpful for you both to think about how much you both drink each week and the money spent on it.

You could at least read all the OP's posts. Then you'd know that the lack of a reply to her text meant she was now worried about him rolling home at stupid o'clock and pissing himself. And guess what, he did. All over the new sofa. I'd be giving him some space all right.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox

OP this sounds like on some level you want to stop him having fun. What was he supposed to do with this information? It’s similar to when I’m out (not often at all) OH seems to take great delight in telling me how long the kids took to settle (ages) and DC2 kept crying for Mummy.

All very well @spotcheck but could you really relax knowing he'll probably come in and be sick/piss everywhere when you've got a 5 and 3 yo in the house?

No, I couldn’t. But constant texting through the evening is not going to change that. If I was you I’d be telling him that every time he went out he needed to stay in a hotel. If I was in that situation I’d probably be divorced by now. I just couldn’t find him attractive anymore.

I could not be more on your side OP. I would be absolutely apoplectic.

If this was the first time it had happened, I would absolutely chalk it up to ‘one of those things’ (but he would still be getting up to clean up, pay for professional cleaning of the sofa out of his own pocket, and/or a new sofa out of his own savings if it’s ruined.) I’ve vommed everywhere twice in our relationship after a night out - once 10 years ago as a junior doctor who’d forgotten that she wasn’t a student anymore after working 70 hour weeks, the second which turned out to be a vomiting bug when the kids started too! First time DH cleaned it up, second time I did (in the middle of the night while still butt naked, delighted relatives didn’t walk in on me).

But it’s not, is it? It’s part of a sustained pattern of behaviour which he has made little effort to change, with the constant feature that it’s you or the kids who suffer as a result. Call it what you like - an alcohol problem, a DH problem - it’s not on, and you shouldn’t be having to put up with it. He needs to shape up or ship out until he does.

And don’t give the texts another thought, they are fine.

Thanks again for all your (varied!) responses.

Just to reiterate - I do NOT sit texting him all night or expect him to be glued to his phone ignoring his friends.

I text him about a very specific matter, and I stand by my choice to let him know DD has CP because ya know it's his DD too and I thought it would maybe make him think about his alcohol consumption considering WE were likely to have a poorly child the next day.

Whenever we are out together, he doesn't hesitate to check his phone or reply to his many group messages he has with his friends.

Yes it's with the same group of friends he gets like this with. They get into the same state (I've seen them) but I'm not sure if they control their bodily functions when they get home.

We don't have family close by, and all our friends have young kids so he can't go there either.

I can't take the kids out today (because DD has CP....)

The DC have never seen him drunk, and he always gets up and gets on with it the next day....we'll see what happens today.