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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

762 replies

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:36

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 08:10

He came home at about 2.30am, really drunk. He bounced around the house a bit before coming to bed.

I got up with the DC this morning. DS sat on the (brand new, delivered on Monday) sofa and told me it was wet.

Yup, you guessed it.

DH is still sleeping. He's now had more sleep than me.

Now I need to figure out how to handle it!

So for the vast majority of people who have told me that I'm out of order for contacting him when he's 'out' (which wasn't repetitive or 'annoying' in content) - it does help me gauge what kind do state he'll be in when home. I knew, because of his lack of correspondence, which way this was going to go.

OP posts:
Onwards22 · 07/05/2022 08:12

Sorry NRTFT but YABU.

The reason he acts so silly when he goes out drinking with his friends is because he has freedom.

You do not need to text him when he’s out. He’s busy with his friends and it’s not fair that you want to talk to him when you can do that the next day.
You don’t need to know what time he’ll be back or what he’s doing.

I have a rule that when I go out with friends I don’t text my partner or vice versa.
Obviously if one does it’s not an issue but the other person doesn’t need to reply if they’re busy and the texter should know not to get annoyed.

Back off a bit and give him some space.
It may take a couple of times of him learning from his own mistakes but soon he’ll realise he’s not being suffocated and relax more.

Onwards22 · 07/05/2022 08:14

Do you ever go out with your friends OP?

VelociraptortheClown · 07/05/2022 08:16

marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 00:12

@worraliberty I get what you are saying.
However, this really doesn't happen often.

Other than this he is a great husband. Very hands on with the kids. Helps out in the house. And most importantly we get on great and have a laugh all the time. We usually have a couple drinks at the weekend, have dinner parties with friends etc.

But when he 'goes out' I'm always on edge.

OP please ignore the posters saying he is an disrespectful binge drinking twat who deserves to reside in the 9th circle of hell.

From what you say, he goes out occasionally, has a weakness for binge drinking, and is obviously not acting sensibly or fairly to you once drunk. Yes it's annoying, stressful and far from ideal, but until it starts happening on a regular basis I wouldn't unduly worry.

hopeishere · 07/05/2022 08:16

Onwards22 · 07/05/2022 08:14

Do you ever go out with your friends OP?

I'm sure she does. But manages not to piss herself when she gets home.

It's tricky. As you say OP 90% of the time it's fine just not when he goes out.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/05/2022 08:16

Op I'd be furious too.
Not because he's out drinking. I wouldn't even be bothered about the lack of texting or bringing people home (I know he didn't but still).
I'd be furious about leaving piss and/or vomit untended to in the home.

I've been out drinking and come home vomiting on several occasions. I always clean it up myself. I've never pissed myself.

When DH goes out (once every 2 weeks) he tends to sleep on the sofa because we have a stupidly narrow staircase and it's impossibly to come upstairs drunk and not wake everyone up.

We always let the person who's been out have a lie in the next morning. They can slob about until 11 and feel sorry for themselves but after that, they are back in the game.

Laiste · 07/05/2022 08:17

OP - take a moment and clear your mind.

I got up with the DC this morning. DS sat on the (brand new, delivered on Monday) sofa and told me it was wet. Yup, you guessed it.

Your son has just had to sit in his father's piss.

What are you feeling?
Why are you having to 'figure it out'?

Come on.
I was in a similar situation about 10 years ago.
I came onto MN (name changed) and asked about it.
I got my arse handed to me by A LOT of posters saying why the fuck are you having to ask what to do.

It worked.
It never happened again.
We're still married.

TonySmart · 07/05/2022 08:18

Oh god. So he's pissed on the brand new sofa?

LongLive89 · 07/05/2022 08:18

Sorry WHAT are the replies to this thread?!?!

OP has clearly stated she isn’t nagging etc and that they both go out seperately.

@marshmallowbooks you’re not being unreasonable. How dare he behave like a teenager getting pissed every time he goes out. The fact he’s now soiled your new sofa is just an example of this, he needs to grow up.

Some of the replies on this thread are staggering. Stop blaming OP and minimising/trying to explain her DH’s behaviour. He is very much in the wrong and needs to sort himself out.

Hope you’re okay @marshmallowbooks x

Ballcactus · 07/05/2022 08:19

What I’m hearing is that it’s the excessive alcohol that causes the issue. I would be more relaxed about the texting/ keeping in touch. I’d say a check in like “waiting for a taxi home, hopefully be an hour or so” was reasonable but he’s probably having fun and not paying attention otherwise.
Binge drinking is so normalised, but it can be just as problematic as everyday drinking typically associated with alcoholics

BlueBloodedBlue · 07/05/2022 08:20

If he has pissed on the sofa and you can get to a pet store, there is a spray used for animal wee that can also be used to get rid of the smell of human wee too - we used it a lot when DC were potty training! I'd do a patch test first though.

tomatoandherbs · 07/05/2022 08:20

“He is a great husband”

”when he 'goes out' I'm always on edge.”

how come your standards for yourself as so low OP? Sounds shite

Sux2buthen · 07/05/2022 08:20

I stopped reading the posts but why wouldn't you tell him one of the kids isn't well? You didn't ask him to come home because of it, if I was him I would take it as a heads up that I would need to avoid being too hungover the next day so I could parent properly
The replies on here are weird, he's been a knob when he's been out before and OP is anxious about it happening again I've been there it's not a good feeling.
A partner that likes a drink but can't handle it properly is stressful

cameocat · 07/05/2022 08:20

I leave my DH to it on a night out and would not expect a reply. I would also feel very pressured if he was texting me whilst I was out as its rude to be checking your phone when with friends (and I don't drink). So in that sense I think you are being unreasonable and that he should have a right to go and enjoy his night.

That said, drinking to the point of wetting himself is not acceptable and frankly revolting. He needs to reflect on that. He wouldn't have much respect from me on that front.

tomatoandherbs · 07/05/2022 08:21

BlueBloodedBlue · 07/05/2022 08:20

If he has pissed on the sofa and you can get to a pet store, there is a spray used for animal wee that can also be used to get rid of the smell of human wee too - we used it a lot when DC were potty training! I'd do a patch test first though.

er no

if he’s pissed on the sofa, he pays for a professional sofa cleaning service

BanjoVio · 07/05/2022 08:21

Please OP don’t clean up after him. Take the kids out, have a great day and make it clear that you will come back when everything is spotless.

PenelopeGarseeya · 07/05/2022 08:21

OP I’ve read all of your posts. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice but I’ve been there. My DH doesn’t do it anymore but I think that’s because our DS does and he now goes through that stress. My DH didn’t wee or vom but back in the day the pub shut at 11 and the club at 2 he would stumble in at 5, covered in god knows what from where he’d clearly fell and slept for a few hours! Would then sleep in next day while I took care of small DC.

it’s unbearable, stressful and I’d say aged me!! Sorry nothing useful for you other than you are not alone, unreasonable or annoying.

ResidentHortensia · 07/05/2022 08:22

SpindleInTheWind · 07/05/2022 00:07

It's unacceptable, frankly.

You're understandably stressed about him

1 Lying
2 Being a binge drinker
3 Vomiting and pissing in your home
4 Bringing drunk people back when you have young children asleep AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT
5 Being a twat

I wouldn't be chilling, no.

This ^^. There are some very low bars in evidence on this thread

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 07/05/2022 08:25

This thread is an interesting read. Talk about missing the point. The whole thread seems to be about texting. Him not being very responsive to texts, is understandable if he’s on a night out and not a big deal. But the getting so drunk on a regular basis he is pissing himself or vomiting thing is grim. If it was once a year on a stag do type thing it would just be annoying but if it’s happening repeatedly then has a serious problem. You're not his Mum though OP so it’s difficult to know how to handle it without becoming the nagging wife which could make it worse. Does he recognise how dangerous his behaviour could be?

midlifecrash · 07/05/2022 08:25

Ok. My reaction would be - if you’re going to get so drunk you piss yourself, don’t come home. And don’t expect sympathy the next day. Binge drinking like this every two months is actually pretty worrying ( and disgusting)

Sux2buthen · 07/05/2022 08:26

KettrickenSmiled · 07/05/2022 01:20

Nobody wants to be harassed by text messages from the other half on a rare night out.

Apart from OP's H @MissMaple82 - who specifically asked OP to text him so he could reassure her he was taking it easy.

I quite like my partner and getting messages from him, there's a lot of people on here that seem to be the opposite Grin

Laiste · 07/05/2022 08:27

YOUR SON HAS HAD TO SIT IN HIS FATHER'S PISS

I'm just saying it again because it's what matters.

You don't go running to a pet store.

You wake him up.
You tell him his child has just sat in his piss.
You tell him that is never EVER happening again.
You tell him to get up and say sorry to his son.
He sorts getting the sofa cleaned.
Then you'll both talk about what happens next.

Cliftontherocks · 07/05/2022 08:29

He has an alcohol problem adults coming home and pissing on the sofa because they are blotto is an alcohol problem.

I don’t mind a partner having a few drinks but sick and loss everywhere after a night out is just unacceptable.

Trulyweird1 · 07/05/2022 08:29

OP, he sounds unpleasant.
It’s fine to go out and get stupid now and again, but if the last time was only 6-8 weeks ago, and similarly ended up with bodily fluids spilled wherever, that’s too much, and extremely disrespectful to you, and his family.
I would be waking him up now, and if it was possible would be thrusting the stinking wet cushion in his face. But I am making myself angry just thinking about it…
So, if you can, take the kids out for the day; book the cleaning service, which he will pay for, and suggest he sleeps on someone else’s sofa, or books a travel lodge for tonight’s rematch.
And decide if you want your DC to have this role model in their lives.

Cliftontherocks · 07/05/2022 08:31

Laiste · 07/05/2022 08:27

YOUR SON HAS HAD TO SIT IN HIS FATHER'S PISS

I'm just saying it again because it's what matters.

You don't go running to a pet store.

You wake him up.
You tell him his child has just sat in his piss.
You tell him that is never EVER happening again.
You tell him to get up and say sorry to his son.
He sorts getting the sofa cleaned.
Then you'll both talk about what happens next.

This actually.

I don’t the people not understanding this - and I wouldn’t be doing all the parenting the next day - get him up! Well actually he should be getting himself up.

the not texting fine - but actually people are ignoring the fact he is out of control with alcohol. You meanwhile are waiting for a phone call when he is out to tell you he is in hospital etc