Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

762 replies

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:36

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

OP posts:
Aikatarina · 07/05/2022 08:50

Onwards22 · 07/05/2022 08:41

This thread is an interesting read. Talk about missing the point. The whole thread seems to be about texting. Him not being very responsive to texts, is understandable if he’s on a night out and not a big deal.

For me the reason he goes silly when he’s on a night out is because he’s kept on such a tight leash so he’s goes mad.

It’s like if you restrict a child from having sweets. As soon as they get the chance they’re going to go mad and eat sweets until they’re sick.

So although his behaviour is very bad, OPs actions aren’t helping.

He is an adult and can do what he wants. But that means it’s also his responsibility to deal with the consequences like paying for a professional cleaner.

As PPs have said, I would tell him to get a hotel every time he goes out because he’ll have to be responsible for paying for professional cleaning if he pisses himself.
I can’t see OP allowing that though.

So you’re blaming her because he can’t control himself? He’s not a child, he’s a grown man and has children. She sent her husband a text, that’s it! I don’t know what she’s done wrong or how you’ve come to the conclusion that she ‘keeps him on a tight leash’.

My husband was out last night. We text each other 3-4 times. Is he on a tight leash? Am I controlling?

Veol · 07/05/2022 08:54

He pissed on the sofa and people are grumbling about a couple of text messages sent by OP! Lots of people text each other when they are out. Wetting the furniture is less reasonable.

notanothertakeaway · 07/05/2022 08:54

The text about CP is a red herring

The real problem is that your DH drinks to excess at an age when he's old enough to know better

Peeing on the sofa is absolutely gross

boronia · 07/05/2022 08:55

Well, if he does this every time he gets together with this group I think you're unrealistic to expect him to turn over a new leaf and be moderate.
It would worry me though, that drinks so much that he vomits and wets himself ( or worse).

Inertia · 07/05/2022 08:56

The way you handle it is to get him up and tell him to clean his piss off the sofa .

Echobelly · 07/05/2022 08:56

I don't think there's any suggestion OP is 'keeping him on a tight leash' - a lot of internalised misogyny on this thread 'Oh she must be one of those interfering, clingy women'.

TBH, I agree not keeping in touch on a night out is not a biggie in itself, but the results of the binge drinking are. I'd be telling him he'd better stay at friends/a hotel after these nights out if he really can't manage his drinking, because I don't want to have to deal with the mess afterwards. And yes, maybe he can be like that and be an otherwise good partner too.

IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 07/05/2022 08:56

Please folks read the updates. This is not about texting or ‘letting’ your OH off the leash. This is about a man who gets so drunk he soils himself. OP this is a drink problem, I’m sorry. Once is just about acceptable but he does it every time it’s a ‘big night’. There will be more big nights, he will do it more. I’m sorry, as a partner of someone in recovery … I see the signs. He needs to have a long hard look at his drinking. And I understand your anxiety, that nagging feeling. You’re not worried about a text, you’re worried because your husband becomes a different man with drink. That’s a problem . Take care. Al anon is a great resource. X

BurbageBrook · 07/05/2022 08:57

I don’t think you’re at all unreasonable to text about your child — you are both the parents — but it’s understandable for the person out to be too distracted chatting with friends to reply. However the drinking and immature behaviour is the real issue here and it’s unacceptable.

Comtesse · 07/05/2022 08:57

He asked you to stay in touch with him, so you did. What’s so bad about that? Nothing!

The sofa thing is revolting. This has to be a turning point. Behaving like this is utterly unacceptable.

Sally090807 · 07/05/2022 08:58

Maybe it’s not excessive alcohol, if he doesn’t drink that often. I don’t drink often either so if I went out and drunk 3-4 glasses of wine I’d be absolutely wrecked.

I would also make sure that next time he goes out that he books a hotel for the night.

Hopefully he won’t be out driving a car today with your children in it as that would be more of a concern to me because if he’s that pissed I’m sure he’d still be over the drink drive limit.

mogtheexcellent · 07/05/2022 08:58

Laiste · 07/05/2022 08:27

YOUR SON HAS HAD TO SIT IN HIS FATHER'S PISS

I'm just saying it again because it's what matters.

You don't go running to a pet store.

You wake him up.
You tell him his child has just sat in his piss.
You tell him that is never EVER happening again.
You tell him to get up and say sorry to his son.
He sorts getting the sofa cleaned.
Then you'll both talk about what happens next.

This is all that needsto be said

boronia · 07/05/2022 08:59

Pressed to soon.
I wouldn't actually want him back in the house until he was sober but then I suppose he's vomiting or peeing in someone else's house or a hotel.
I would be anxious that he's not safe when he's in this state.
Not responding to a text is the top of the iceberg here. Someone paralytic drunk isn't capable of doing that.

maddy68 · 07/05/2022 09:02

Chill. He's on a night out. I don't respond to messages when I'm out either.
And I definitely wouldnt appreciate a downer text about chicken pox

IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 07/05/2022 09:02

Onwards22 · 07/05/2022 08:12

Sorry NRTFT but YABU.

The reason he acts so silly when he goes out drinking with his friends is because he has freedom.

You do not need to text him when he’s out. He’s busy with his friends and it’s not fair that you want to talk to him when you can do that the next day.
You don’t need to know what time he’ll be back or what he’s doing.

I have a rule that when I go out with friends I don’t text my partner or vice versa.
Obviously if one does it’s not an issue but the other person doesn’t need to reply if they’re busy and the texter should know not to get annoyed.

Back off a bit and give him some space.
It may take a couple of times of him learning from his own mistakes but soon he’ll realise he’s not being suffocated and relax more.

And do you piss on the furniture when you come back? Please RTFT

Dajeeling · 07/05/2022 09:03

The update about the sofa actually made me gasp OP… that would be it for me. Horrendous.

Blarting · 07/05/2022 09:05

I'd make him stay in a hotel next time, he can pay the excess for the mess.

Although, he's clearly got a massive drink issue, if I wet myself through drink, it would be the last drink I ever had.

I totally understand you don't want to end the marriage, so honestly I'd say he stays out next time.

Limer · 07/05/2022 09:06

YADNBU.

He needs to wake up and clean the sofa, and probably arrange for it to be professionally cleaned (is it fabric? Leather could be wiped down more easily).

Then he needs to cancel tonight's 'part two' plan, given that he has spectacularly failed to moderate his drinking and has pissed all over the new sofa.

SkoolShoes · 07/05/2022 09:07

@marshmallowbooks There are 2 things at play here

  1. How you feel when he is out drinking. Anxious, worried about the bodily fluids, disappointed. During this time you cannot control what he is doing. What you can control is how you feel. So you need to "write him off" as far as how much he takes up your brain space. So this will involve a discussion with him. "DH, I feel very stressed when you go out and I know it must feel like I am mothering you and annoying you. Let's fix this. If you want to go out you must arrange to stay somewhere else. A hotel. A freinds. Camp bed in the sitting room (plastic wrapped - not 100% joking). This way your nights out do not become hell for me - which is not fair on either of us.

  2. His drinking. A sober dicsussion about the bodily fluids. Really serious. Would he piss on a friend's sofa? How does he feel about vomiting in front of a pub full of people? It is problem drinking. How does he want to stop it. But it is his problem to solve. All you need to be involved in is a) to stop his problem impacting you.

And talking from very similar experience of my DH in his early 40s. We did the hotel thing. Or a promise he would Uber it home rather than me fretting he would end up in Brighton or Reading rather than home. Me stepping back helped him control it a bit more. And then one final car crash drinking session in front of friends opened his eyes and bar the odd social single glass of wine or G&T he no longer drinks. Even at home.

Darbs76 · 07/05/2022 09:08

I’d be fuming about the sofa. I don’t think you were being unreasonable about the CP text. I don’t tend to reply to messages when I’m out with friends as it’s quite rude but I’ve always got one eye on the phone (I put it on the table) incase there’s a problem at home. I think he does need to think about his drinking habits if he’s so drunk he’s peeing on the sofa. That’s not a one off either is it by the sounds of things. Unacceptable

FragileConsequence · 07/05/2022 09:08

Hope today goes better OP. He needs to sort out the sofa with a clean or even a new one. That's not acceptable.

On your side and literally half the posters here. I would text, prefer to get a reply, but not mind not getting one. I don't mind my DH going out. But coming home an uncontrollable mess EVERY time, showing he has no control? No.

Unicornsbumhole · 07/05/2022 09:08

I hope to god you dragged him downstairs and rubbed his nose in that sofa.
It is NOT acceptable, if my husband pissed on the brand new sofa because he let's himself get so drunk he is incapable then he would be buying a new sofa.

This behaviour is not acceptable at any age and it would be a deal breaker for me

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 07/05/2022 09:09

Hmmm.
I think the getting so bladdered he creates a mess is a big no-no when you have children. It's not a great parenting example, is it?
I wouldn't tolerate that in a partner either.

I went out a few weeks ago at 12 pm and didn't get back home till 12am, but I wasn't completely inebriated. People like that are fucking annoying on a night out. I texted DP the first-pint picture, then a message at around 1130 pm to say I wouldn't be long.
She went away for 3nights on a trip, she texted to say she'd arrived safely then that was it. I think it's nice to relax and not have a text fest. She called on the drive back 3 days later.

Veol · 07/05/2022 09:10

Based on some of the posters on here OPs DH should start an AIBU thread about OP being so controlling. Something like this:

AIBU to be annoyed at my wife. She texted me twice when I was out last night. We were concerned about one of the kids before I went out and then she had the nerve to text me an update when I was at the pub. What a control freak! I know she gets worried because I get so drunk when I’m out that I puke and piss everywhere, but surely the second message was way too much! I have come home late and pissed on our new sofa. She is now up and dealing with the kids. One of them is soggy from sitting in my urine. AIBU to think she is quite annoying and controlling or have I actually behaved like a total dick?

Fraaahnces · 07/05/2022 09:13

Just wondering if he would slow down a bit and regulate himself if you told him that you didn’t want him home at all if he is drunk due to his habit of pissing all over the furniture, bed, carpet, etc? If you made it clear that he was risking pissing himself at one of his friend’s places and dealing with their reaction if the furniture or beds are ruined, then could he control himself. He absolutely must know that this is not okay. Being known amongst his friends as they guy who pisses himself might sort him out. (For some reason once you’re married, your opinion of them doesn’t seem to matter. Their friends’ opinions still do.)

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 09:16

I'm getting really worked up inside.

I deserve better than this.

I went upstairs to get something. He woke up and I said don't even bother speaking to me. I told him DS had sat in his piss. He looked horrified but I actually POINTED at him (I don't think I've ever done that before!) and said 'you have no respect for me, no respect for DC and no respect for yourself - and I deserve better'

I then stomped off downstairs.

Me and DC are having a nice morning building Lego

OP posts: