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Original poster

To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

762 replies

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:36

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 21:13

Because I was in the room - if I then left the room to wake up DH and bring him downstairs the kids would have raised their eyebrows as I was right there.

Maybe I could have handled it better. No point in dwelling on that now. Just need to move forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 21:17

Lex345 · 07/05/2022 21:00

Also, just trying to get my head around the scenario where he has woken up and not realised he has been incontinent on the couch-does this mean he has then got in to bed soaked in pee? Or, more likely, he DID realise and changed before he got in bed-but left pee all over the couch?

I am annoyed for you.

He was stark bollocks naked when he woke up in bed this morning and his clothes were in a heap.

I think he sat on the couch when he got in, fell asleep, pissed himself which woke him up but not realising that's what woke him up, got undressed and came to bed.

OR he posed himself and then sat down 🤷🏼‍♀️.

I guess the actual details are irrelevant 🙈. But it didn't seem wet enough that it was a whole bladder full whereas his clothes were soaked.

And no, I didn't wash his clothes for him. He did that.

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 07/05/2022 21:20

So So…. Gross

Lex345 · 07/05/2022 21:24

Youre right, irrelevant really but just so angry for you!

SpindleInTheWind · 07/05/2022 21:25

I don't think it's nice that he pissed himself, ruined your leater sofa, slept in it or lay in it for a bit, stripped off his clothes in that state, discarded them on the floor and got into bed.

Was this the spare room? He didn't actually get into bed with you did he, covered in piss?

I'm not surprised you had a go at him.

But how do you stop him doing this shit? Why do you endure it?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2022 21:37

How old are your kids OP?

billy1966 · 07/05/2022 22:14

You do need time to think OP.

I have no idea of your background and how you were reared and if this type of behaviour was a factor in it?

It is hard to believe that any normal person would go into marriage and have children and be passive about their children sitting in their fathers drunken incontinent piss.

It's just so crude, and unless you are very honest with yourself, you and your children are going to be dragged into his piss filled gutter with him.

Most people want the best childhood for their children.
As yours grow and become more aware, they will definitely see the mess their father is.

That he can go out tonight knowing that his children were sitting in his piss just hours ago is extraordinary.

What would your family and friends think of this?... because despite what some posters will say to you about chilling out, only the the absolute dregs of society wouldn't find this really distasteful.

This is not a completely out of character, one off stupid mistake that I think could and should be forgiven.
This is a pattern of uncontrollable drinking with disgusting behaviour attached.

Be honest with yourself and reach out for support, because IMO you and your children need it.

RhiWrites · 07/05/2022 22:18

I am so sorry for you OP. I think it’s really problematic the number of people saying that everyone deserves a big nice out every now and again.

This is a bad problem. It’s not safe to drink that much, and I say this as someone who has overindulged and regretted it. He could pass out on the way home snd did of exposure or be hit by a car, he could have alcohol poisoning, he could be doing damage to his liver. I also wonder if he’s really drinking an ‘ordinary’ amount the rest of the time. This seems odd for a every 6-9 months event. Also the pissing on the sofa is revolting and shouldn’t be normalised to the extent I’ve seen it on mumsnet (many men seem to do this).

Anyway, he needs therapy. And I think you do too OP because you seem to have lost your compass in this.

I hope you’re right that he will come back sober tonight. Whenever you do talk it shouldn’t be more empty promises from him. It should’ve about why he does this and what it will take for him to change.

BlueberryPuff · 07/05/2022 22:23

SpindleInTheWind · 07/05/2022 21:25

I don't think it's nice that he pissed himself, ruined your leater sofa, slept in it or lay in it for a bit, stripped off his clothes in that state, discarded them on the floor and got into bed.

Was this the spare room? He didn't actually get into bed with you did he, covered in piss?

I'm not surprised you had a go at him.

But how do you stop him doing this shit? Why do you endure it?

Urine doesn’t ruin leather. In fact the reason we got leather sofas was because they are great in terms of young children and the accompanying mess.

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 22:26

Urine doesn't damage leather but it will soak into the upholstery foam. And stink.

BlueberryPuff · 07/05/2022 22:29

RhiWrites · 07/05/2022 22:18

I am so sorry for you OP. I think it’s really problematic the number of people saying that everyone deserves a big nice out every now and again.

This is a bad problem. It’s not safe to drink that much, and I say this as someone who has overindulged and regretted it. He could pass out on the way home snd did of exposure or be hit by a car, he could have alcohol poisoning, he could be doing damage to his liver. I also wonder if he’s really drinking an ‘ordinary’ amount the rest of the time. This seems odd for a every 6-9 months event. Also the pissing on the sofa is revolting and shouldn’t be normalised to the extent I’ve seen it on mumsnet (many men seem to do this).

Anyway, he needs therapy. And I think you do too OP because you seem to have lost your compass in this.

I hope you’re right that he will come back sober tonight. Whenever you do talk it shouldn’t be more empty promises from him. It should’ve about why he does this and what it will take for him to change.

So many people say this, oh he needs therapy.

On no planet does therapy work for someone who does not instigate it or who is deeply committed to change. He has no reason to change, he gets obscenely drunk and his wife cleans up after him. His world is just peachy.

The OP on the other hand might feel motivated to change or to seek support to change. Or she may just put it aside until it happens again. 🤷‍♀️

BlueberryPuff · 07/05/2022 22:30

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 22:26

Urine doesn't damage leather but it will soak into the upholstery foam. And stink.

Nah it’s fine, you literally just wipe it off 👌

BabyBin · 07/05/2022 22:31

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 22:26

Urine doesn't damage leather but it will soak into the upholstery foam. And stink.

Do my best not to piss the sofa but this is handy for next time 😉

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 22:34

Depends how quickly it's found i would think.
Child's observed accident wiped up immediately, no problem.
Adult males, dehydrated pint of piss left overnight because he hasn't even noticed he's done it, likely to have leeched through the seams.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 22:38

I'm getting myself into a right state here.

He's not back but has sent a couple of 'checking in' messages 🙄🙄🙄. He's sober.

Feel like a twat sitting here waiting for him to decide he wants to come home so we can have one of the most pivotal conversations of our marriage.

I'm going to bed. Not that I'll be able to sleep

OP posts:
OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 22:40

OP - Don't you think he might be deliberately staying out late so that he doesn't have to have this conversation?

SomersetONeil · 07/05/2022 22:41

marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 21:13

Because I was in the room - if I then left the room to wake up DH and bring him downstairs the kids would have raised their eyebrows as I was right there.

Maybe I could have handled it better. No point in dwelling on that now. Just need to move forward.

It’s certainly much easier is in the short-term to just to clean up your adult partner’s piss for him, while also sweeping the elephant that’s in the room under the carpet.

It’s disastrous in the long-term though. Of that, you can be certain.

SpindleInTheWind · 07/05/2022 22:41

I mean I am aware of what the ancient leather tanning process involves, pre-stretching and drying; but I don't think a drunken piss on a leather sofa once it's in one's home is quite the stuff of Cicero.

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 22:42

😂

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 22:45

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 22:40

OP - Don't you think he might be deliberately staying out late so that he doesn't have to have this conversation?

Perhaps. He knows it'll make it worse though.

He actually said to me earlier if I wanted him to have a curfew?! Wtaf. I said your a grown man and I'm not telling you what time you need to be home 🙄

OP posts:
OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 22:46

He's making it your responsibility again. That's not fair, you're not his bloody mum.

lancsgirl85 · 07/05/2022 22:47

SpindleInTheWind · 07/05/2022 22:41

I mean I am aware of what the ancient leather tanning process involves, pre-stretching and drying; but I don't think a drunken piss on a leather sofa once it's in one's home is quite the stuff of Cicero.

😂

Evilcountspatula · 07/05/2022 22:52

I actually can’t believe that he’s gone out again in the first place @marshmallowbooks. Thinking of you💐

SomersetONeil · 07/05/2022 22:53

So what’s the time where you are OP? Nearly 11pm?

What a shit he is.

PrinzessinCressida · 07/05/2022 22:55

OP, perhaps it would help not to see it as such a pivotal conversation. A lot of the advice you've been given and comments you've had on here are, as usual, over dramatic and unnecessarily confrontational and bossy. Don't lose sight of the fact that you know your own situation and your own husband best. To me it sounds like you've got a man who needs a shove to do another bit of growing up. In real non-mumsnet life, most women have to help their male partners do this - women are the superior sex in everything but physical strength, don't forget, and men often need our help. We do it because we love them, because we've built a life together, often involving children, and because God knows we're not perfect either, and we alone know what unspoken bargains and patterns our relationships operate under. Good luck.