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Original poster

To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

762 replies

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:36

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/05/2022 19:53

As for the suggestions of locking him out if he comes home in a state I'm not sure that's the best plan. It'd just cause stress for the kids and a huge scene with the neighbours. I'd just let him in in silence, and have his bags packed for him the next morning.

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 19:55

You think having a blackout drunk in the house is a better idea? Bloody hell.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/05/2022 19:55

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 19:52

Pretty sure I'd feel resentful each time I looked at or sat on a sofa I'd owned less than a week that is now tainted with piss.

Well, there's obvious answer to that and that is to tell him that he pays for a new one even if you have to sit on blow up furniture till it arrives.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/05/2022 19:56

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 19:55

You think having a blackout drunk in the house is a better idea? Bloody hell.

Well she's put up with it for all these years. Is one more night going to make any difference?

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 19:56

Yep, I agree, the sofa has to go.

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 19:58

To her self respect? I'd say it will make a huge difference to be able to say she stuck by her boundaries and wasn't walked all over.

Standing up for herself and children has to start somewhen; why not tonight?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/05/2022 20:04

So from your last few posts it sounds as if there is more going on in this marriage than just the drinking thing.

Yes, take this quiet time to write it all down. Be brutally honest with yourself about all things, big and small. But I don't know as that I'd discuss them with him tonight. I think you need to take a few days to read and reread what you've written down and spend some time thinking about them and the possible solutions. And think about ALL your options. You need to have a firm idea of what you need and what you will not tolerate in your marriage before you sit down to talk with him.

toomuchlaundry · 07/05/2022 20:05

So he assured you he would keep in touch last night and he assured you he wouldn't drink to much. Well he failed spectacularly there, why are you so convinced he will do as he says tonight?

Nanny0gg · 07/05/2022 20:10

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/05/2022 19:55

Well, there's obvious answer to that and that is to tell him that he pays for a new one even if you have to sit on blow up furniture till it arrives.

Show quote history

How does him buying a new one help if it's family money?

I'd be livid but a professional clean would sort it once and for all

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 20:14

@toomuchlaundry

Last night he said he wouldn't get too drunk. However the problem is he was going to drink and as previously stated he doesn't know when to stop.

If he doesn't drink at all when out then the control isn't a problem. He doesn't drink daily, or even weekly. He doesn't get drunk that often. He had these blow outs a couple times a year I would say.

These blowouts are the problem, however rare. He won't do it again tonight.

OP posts:
OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 20:18

OP, you're minimising his behaviour again.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2022 20:18

Why on earth did you clean up his piss this morning?

Why not have hauled him out of bed and said he needed to clean up his own piss because you aren't his carer, he isn't a child and you aren't his parent?

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 20:22

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 20:18

OP, you're minimising his behaviour again.

I'm replying to the person who is asking how I know he won't do the same tonight, after him telling me last night he wouldn't get too drunk

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 20:23

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2022 20:18

Why on earth did you clean up his piss this morning?

Why not have hauled him out of bed and said he needed to clean up his own piss because you aren't his carer, he isn't a child and you aren't his parent?

Because I had two young children in the room and didn't want to create a scene which would have confused them

OP posts:
SpindleInTheWind · 07/05/2022 20:29

How do even clean a piss off a sofa? I wouldn't know where to start without it taking up the day - covers, cushions, you name it. Washing, drying. A drunken can't-make-it-to-the-loo piss would be more than a dribble, the sofa would soaked through with dehydrated urine.

So you just did that, did, you, OP? Quick wipe down?

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 20:30

It's this paragraph that's troubling:

If he doesn't drink at all when out then the control isn't a problem. He doesn't drink daily, or even weekly. He doesn't get drunk that often. He had these blow outs a couple times a year I would say.

The problem isn't that he drinks, or the frequency, it's the lack of self control, the blackouts, the loss of control over bodily functions.

Last night he effectively he made you his gatekeeper, and divested himself of responsibility for his own behaviour.

He's not behaving like a responsible adult man and father.

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 20:32

That paragraph makes you sound like an indulgent mother who can recognise no wrong in their errant child.

womaniswomaniswoman · 07/05/2022 20:37

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 19:56

Yep, I agree, the sofa has to go.

It's a brand new sofa. Maybe you shit money and can buy a new one after only one week, but the rest of us would be realistic and have it cleaned.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 20:43

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 20:30

It's this paragraph that's troubling:

If he doesn't drink at all when out then the control isn't a problem. He doesn't drink daily, or even weekly. He doesn't get drunk that often. He had these blow outs a couple times a year I would say.

The problem isn't that he drinks, or the frequency, it's the lack of self control, the blackouts, the loss of control over bodily functions.

Last night he effectively he made you his gatekeeper, and divested himself of responsibility for his own behaviour.

He's not behaving like a responsible adult man and father.

Not that the specifics matter at all - but it's leather

OP posts:
OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 20:43

Well no, I don't shit money, but I would definitely feel resentful enough to want rid of it as soon as affordable.

I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing that my lying DH, who promised it 'wouldn't happen again' came in blackout drunk (and cared so little about me, my children, or our home) that he couldn't control himself and not piss on a brand new sofa.

Fruitygal · 07/05/2022 20:43

Sorry why would this have caused a scene? - unless he was going to get upset with you asking him to clean it up? I would have fed the kids breakfast in the kitchen or dining table got them dressed and taken them out to the local park and woken him up as I was leaving - asking him to clean up his mess and get showered and up to look after them when you got home in an hour.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 20:43

Sorry that reply was to @SpindleInTheWind

OP posts:
Giraffesandbottoms · 07/05/2022 20:55

Blow outs a couple of times a year =
not rare

Lex345 · 07/05/2022 21:00

Also, just trying to get my head around the scenario where he has woken up and not realised he has been incontinent on the couch-does this mean he has then got in to bed soaked in pee? Or, more likely, he DID realise and changed before he got in bed-but left pee all over the couch?

I am annoyed for you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2022 21:03

I don't get why it would have caused a scene or confused the kids if their male parent cleaned up the sofa instead of the female parent? They'd just have seen a parent cleaning up the sofa. Absolutely no reason it should have been you. And no reason they would have needed to know what had happened to cause the mess.

"You pissed the sofa drunk last night and the kids have now sat in the wet patch. Go and clean it up right now and we can talk about this later" would have done the trick surely?

Unless you mean he would have gotten angry or caused a scene?