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Original poster

To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

762 replies

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:36

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

OP posts:
Greatoutdoors · 07/05/2022 17:33

Sounds like it’s time for a hard boundary. Hopefully you can find one together that he will respect because it sounds like you have an otherwise strong marriage. It would be a real shame for him to ruin it all over alcohol. Good luck OP 🌺

whynotwhatknot · 07/05/2022 17:36

sorry i missed your update

i wouldnt be so sure he wont drink tonight so theyreall ging to the pub for a nice chat are they

7eleven · 07/05/2022 17:39

I really hope he doesn’t get drunk tonight. 🤞

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 17:56

You know what to do if he does drink this evening. Kick his sorry arse out.

This reunion may well have been years in the organising, but that is not a free pass to behave badly.

He probably won't remember half of what he did last night as he'll have experienced blackouts, hence not remembering pissing himself. He should be ashamed of himself.

I feel for you OP. If you have any inkling that he may be drunk again tonight lock the doors and don't let him back in. Protect your children, yourself, and the fabric of your home from this immature piss and vomit dispenser.

Giraffesandbottoms · 07/05/2022 18:02

Absolutely absurd that he’s going out tonight, whatever he says re what his alcohol is going to be consumption.

Giraffesandbottoms · 07/05/2022 18:03

*what his alcohol consumption is going to be

harriethoyle · 07/05/2022 18:03

OP I think you've been given a really hard time on this thread. There is NO WAY I would be ok with my husband getting so drink he pissed on the sofa and yanbu to be outraged about this. My dogs wouldn't do this let alone my husband. I hope you get it sorted because this is no way to live.

SomersetONeil · 07/05/2022 18:18

I actually can’t quite believe he is going out again tonight. Who cares if the reunion was years in the making?

You really are all at the mercy of him. He does what he wants to do, doesn’t he? You all just have to lump it.

Pissing himself in his sleep. What a catch.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 18:21

He's going out. He's taking the car so won't be drinking and says he won't be late so we can talk it all through when he gets back.

I actually told him to go tonight as I wanted to be alone for a while to think things through. I'm getting angrier and angrier and I think I really need to collect myself before letting rip.

OP posts:
MarvellousMay · 07/05/2022 18:22

I don’t know how you’re so confident he won’t drink tonight?

I guess he doesn’t care about pissing on the brand new sofa or the fact his child sat in his urine. Seriously, he needs a wake up call. Puking in the pub wasn’t it. Pissing on the sofa wasn’t it. There’s no real consequences so why would he stop?

SpringLobelia · 07/05/2022 18:22

Oh OP. How crappy.

I bloody hope he sticks to the no-drinking if he is driving though.

The repeated body fluids scenarios are indefensible. Thanks

Haircliphell · 07/05/2022 18:25

Do you honestly believe he won't drink cos he's driving? Or is this a test you're setting for him?

At best, he'll drive there and abandon the car. At worst, he's going to end up in the cells for drink drinking.

SpringLobelia · 07/05/2022 18:27

Haircliphell · 07/05/2022 18:25

Do you honestly believe he won't drink cos he's driving? Or is this a test you're setting for him?

At best, he'll drive there and abandon the car. At worst, he's going to end up in the cells for drink drinking.

well him ending up in the cells is not the worst thing that can happen, though.

The whole situation just screams disaster to me.

He's possibly still over the limit anyway if he drank that much yesterday.

SomersetONeil · 07/05/2022 18:30

I’m sure he probably won’t drink tonight. Like it’s a sticking plaster on the situation.

CraftyYankee · 07/05/2022 18:33

Hopefully this will be the wakeup call he needs. Good luck OP.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 18:34

Haircliphell · 07/05/2022 18:25

Do you honestly believe he won't drink cos he's driving? Or is this a test you're setting for him?

At best, he'll drive there and abandon the car. At worst, he's going to end up in the cells for drink drinking.

I can understand why you might be making certain assumptions about DH because elf the nature of this thread. However, you don't know him at all.

He won't drink tonight, and he would never drink drive. I 100% know that.

It doesn't make up for anything of course and I've made it clear to him that's the case.

OP posts:
RachelGreeneGreep · 07/05/2022 18:39

OP, I hope that he sorts himself out. Some people actually should not drink, that's the long and the short of it. And it certainly sounds like he is one of them. If he cannot enjoy a few drinks without getting so bad that he is urinating and vomiting in places other than the bathroom, that's pretty serious. And disgusting.
He should have been the one cleaning up the couch, and should always be the one that does the cleaning up. It would help to focus his mind on the issues.

As an aside I had a colleague some years ago that everyone started to dread going out with socially. She had to get so drunk, no matter what. It couldn't be just a nice night out, with a few drinks, in her case. She and her husband fell into misfortune every time they went on holidays too. It took me a while to figure out why that was - he obviously used to get into the same state as her. Wallets and other belongings were stolen, more than once, another time she fell and broke bones, you name it, it happened to them on their holidays.

Anyway, I hope your husband cleans up his act, in every way.

Herejustforthisone · 07/05/2022 18:48

He sounds so like my H it’s unreal. He’ll think not drinking tonight proves he can change and not drink on some nights.

You’ll feel frustrated by the lack of resolution but a few weeks will pass and time will heal.

Then the next invitation will happen and the cycle will begin again…

Omega33 · 07/05/2022 19:07

tomatoandherbs · 07/05/2022 16:03

I’ll bow out
I feel for you, what a shit way to live. To “be on edge” when your husband goes out and have spent this morning cleaning up his piss that your child has sat on

i feel more for your children though. Because they have no choice in the matter. Whereas their mother… does

Yes, this. If you want to live with an adult who pisses on the furniture, that's your choice.

But your children can't just move out by themselves, and they shouldn't be forced to live in a house where they sit in their dad's urine.

trackerc · 07/05/2022 19:17

Collect your thoughts, be clear in what is & isn't acceptable to you. What the standards are for your relationship.
You came on here for help & advice. You recognised this was an issue, so you sought support. I think there's been some derailment & judgement. Don't be distracted by that. Just get this clear in your head. Don't go thinking it has to be sorted in one chat. Your whole weekend has been thrown in the bin with his 2 nights out with his mates, cleaning up piss & chickenpox. Schedule some serious time for uninterrupted chats & you're in no need of making hasty decisions. And 1 night driving doesn't make him an angel (but you know that) Just take it at your pace

Lex345 · 07/05/2022 19:27

I am completely shocked he thinks it is OK to go out tonight after he got so pissed last night he was incontinent, his son sat in it and his wife had to clean it up! I dont honestly give a shit about how long he has been planning the reunion, whether he says he wont drink or whether he is driving. After what he has done (and lets be clear, this is not the first time) he should be in full grovel mode and doing whatever it takes to make it up to you. And he should be doing that by choice.

I will not be surprised if you come back in 8 hours or so OP to say he is absolutely hammered.

This has to stop. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/05/2022 19:33

marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 17:15

@toomuchlaundry he won't drink tonight. It won't help though. If he goes out tonight and comes home sober I'm
Not going to pat him on the back and forgive and forget. No way, not this time.

Thing is, if you are going to hold resentment within you for years to come then he'll just think "well, I may as well drink anyway, cos even if I go home sober she still bangs on about the time when......."

If he comes home sober tonight I don't think there's any need to give him a sticker for good behaviour. But neither is it the time to say "well, yeah, you've stayed sober this time but that's only one time, and what about next time....."

I think you should make it clear before he goes out that there are no more chances. From now on, he needs to be in a reasonable state when he gets home for you all to be a happy and secure family. That it's totally his choice whether he drinks anything on his nights out or not, that he is an adult who would need to decide what to do for the best, and if he thinks he would handle it better if he didn't drink at all then that's his choice. If he thinks he can handle a few, have a great time, and come home in a reasonable state then that's his choice too. Don't make you be the one who sets his rules for going out, otherwise he'll just badmouth you to his mates "she doesn't let me drink" yadda yadda.

SpindleInTheWind · 07/05/2022 19:34

See you at midnight, then.

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 19:52

Pretty sure I'd feel resentful each time I looked at or sat on a sofa I'd owned less than a week that is now tainted with piss.

HikingforScenery · 07/05/2022 19:53

OP, I really feel for you. Urinating on your furniture is a whole other ball game. You and your children deserve better, indeed.
I hope you manage to collect your thoughts and have a useful conversation with you husband tonight and hopefully, this will be the last time this happens.