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Original poster

To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

762 replies

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:36

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 15:59

tomatoandherbs · 07/05/2022 15:55

He thinks you’re joking?

surely just point at the still very damp patch on the sofa? Unless he thinks you poured water on it to make it look like he’d pissed himself

Ah, that's a fairly common turn of phrase where we are.

'Did you hear Barbara has covid?'

'Oh no, you're joking?'

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 15:59

Fraaahnces · 07/05/2022 15:58

I very much doubt that I would find anyone attractive enough to be intimate with them after they had drunk themself into incontinence.

Unfortunately, alcohol seems to be the central focus of your DH’s social life. Does he have other interests? Friends he sees without getting hammered?

Yes, he's very big into a particular sport that he plays every weekend where alcohol never plays a part.

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 07/05/2022 16:03

I’ll bow out
I feel for you, what a shit way to live. To “be on edge” when your husband goes out and have spent this morning cleaning up his piss that your child has sat on

i feel more for your children though. Because they have no choice in the matter. Whereas their mother… does

Fraaahnces · 07/05/2022 16:04

Well that’s a good start! I hope that he can hang out with people who don’t normalize this level of alcohol.

Blarting · 07/05/2022 16:05

bcc89 · 07/05/2022 15:36

Honestly, what would you expect him to do with a text about chicken pox? Sit and text you back when he's out with friends?
Leave him alone, fgs. Go occupy yourself with something else.

Very enlightened comment 🙄

JustLyra · 07/05/2022 16:09

This would be a hill I'd die on.

You and your children deserve better than this. So he has two choices - if he wants to drink like that then he goes to a hotel (and any cleaning bills come out of his personal spends) or he doesn't get into that state.

FWIW I've seen my husband in a horrific state due to alcohol once. He was a pain, he was rude and he made a twat of himself. He has never done it again because he has respect for me, our home and himself. Doing it repeatedly is him telling you who he is and what he thinks of you and your home.

Good luck.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/05/2022 16:11

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:58

We drink in the house often. Never an issue.

When he's out with friends though, as I said, there's no stop button.

He specifically told me to keep in touch this evening to 'prove' he wasn't going to be going mental. He wanted to prove to me after the last couple times that he's learned some kind of self control.

Is it make or break in our marriage? No. Should I be annoyed? Hmm

I wouldn't have called my DH to let them know DC had chicken pox if he already knew they were unwell/getting ill. The 'specific diagnosis' of their 'unwellness' could wait until tomorrow.

BUT, he shouldn't be asking you to 'police' his behaviour by 'keeping in touch'. He may have said it was to 'prove' himself, but in reality it was to stop him from drinking to excess by having you 'keep in touch', ie check up on him. If he needs that then he has a problem with drink and should seek help. Doesn't matter if it's every night or once a year. Anyone who has no 'stop' button and/or who pisses/vomits other than in an 'appropriate receptacle' needs to not drink.

"Is it make or break in our marriage? No."

You say that today. But I encourage you to keep an open mind for the future, especially if he does nothing to correct his behaviour.

Inertia · 07/05/2022 16:25

He has an alcohol problem. It's really , really not normal to be coming home so drunk that you vomit or wet yourself every single time you go out.

There are no consequences for him. You are his piss skivvy, cleaning up the sofa to make it safe for your children. I expect you've cleaned up the vomit too, when that's happened. He's not going to change- how much emotional energy does it cost him to look sheepish?

I would insist on him staying in a hotel if he goes out tonight. (And it's breathtaking that he's even considering that you would find this acceptable TBH, given that your child is ill and you have had to wash his urine out of the furniture.

BanjoVio · 07/05/2022 16:35

Why not make him clean it up himself? That way he’s up close and personal with the consequences of his behaviour and you are not thought of as the unpaid help (or, as a PP put it, piss skivvy).

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/05/2022 16:39

You've literally cleared up his piss but you've No idea if he's going out tonight or not.

Stand up for yourself for God's sake. Or this will just keep happening.

As for tonight? Make plans to meet a friend and just waltz out leaving him with the children.

RampantIvy · 07/05/2022 16:42

If he does go out tonight you tell him that he can't sleep at your house tonight and he will be locked out until he sobers up.

grapewines · 07/05/2022 16:46

tomatoandherbs · 07/05/2022 16:03

I’ll bow out
I feel for you, what a shit way to live. To “be on edge” when your husband goes out and have spent this morning cleaning up his piss that your child has sat on

i feel more for your children though. Because they have no choice in the matter. Whereas their mother… does

Agree with this. I you won't stand up for yourself then you should stand up for their sakes.

Good luck.

Ponderingwindow · 07/05/2022 17:02

His behavior requires action.

option 1) he stops drinking. Binge drinking to the point of wetting the couch is too far.

option 2) you divorce

yes, it is that serious. Your children deserve better than this

asco · 07/05/2022 17:08

marshmallowbooks ignore the arseholes berating you for using text messages with your H last night, if it's normal for you both then that's all it is.
On the state he gets himself into? You need to hold onto that anger, holding grudges is not the same thing and they usually do nobody any good, but holding your anger is the right thing to do in this case.
My DH always loved shellfish, ate it every time we went out for meals. Until one night he vomited a few hours later, never connected it to the fish. It happened on 3 more occasions before we connected the two.
So what would be the logical thing to do when you discover that something you put into your body causes you to be very unwell, vomit and nearly pass out??? Yes you guessed it, you DO NOT EVER consume it again. He hasn't and all is good.
Your H cannot consume alcohol without it affecting not just him but also his wife and children. He needs to make a choice and the choice is his and his alone.
Either he admits defeat and realises he has a HUGE problem with the fact that he is a binge drinker, followed by complete loss of control of his ability not to piss and vomit everywhere and DOES NOT EVER partake in a binge drinking session again.
Or?
He decides "Ah fuck it, I don't give a shit that this really upsets, hurts and impacts my wife and children, I'm going to do it anyhow.
I really hope you can get through to him that just because this "only" happens rarely, makes it ok. It doesn't. Not ever.
Good luck tonight with your talk, put yourself and your lovely wee kids first. You deserve it.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 17:11

Looks like he's going out - just found him ironing his shirt.

The kids were in a different room so I gave him a very brief summary of my thoughts but told him we needed to have a very serious conversation and I wasn't going to 'forbid' him going out but he needed to consider what's more important.

He said he's got a problem. I agreed. He says he stops drinking altogether,
Or stops going out at all. I agreed.

I told him it's opened up a whole can but of worms in my head that I need to address (won't go into on this thread, but it has).

The kids then came in so haven't discussed it further.

He'll probably go out - this reunion has been years in the making and he'll
Want to show face. I can guarantee he won't drink tonight though as a) he'll be trying to prove a point and b) he's hungover.

If he goes out I'm going to use the time to collect all my thoughts, and right them down so that when we do talk I'm as coherent and on topic as possible.

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 07/05/2022 17:11

The texting is fine.... I text dp and he would text me. No obligation to text back and I like it to be honest :)

But...
I know at least two people who have lost a child and spouse due to choking on vomit after a night out.
That would worry me because you just wouldn't trust him to be able to turn himself over if he was that drunk that he pisses himself.
I was married to some one like your dh and he was a sportsman. It just stopped being funny when he set fire to my house cooking and then falling asleep and vomiting in the car on the way to a match. Kids where there.
He still does it now in his fifties- 15 years after we divorced and sons think he is an embarrassment.
I don't know what to advise you but I would hope it wouldn't even occur to him to go out tonight as he should be making it up to you.
Sorry op xx it's

toomuchlaundry · 07/05/2022 17:12

What will you do if he drinks tonight?

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 17:15

@toomuchlaundry he won't drink tonight. It won't help though. If he goes out tonight and comes home sober I'm
Not going to pat him on the back and forgive and forget. No way, not this time.

OP posts:
BlueberryPuff · 07/05/2022 17:18

marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 17:11

Looks like he's going out - just found him ironing his shirt.

The kids were in a different room so I gave him a very brief summary of my thoughts but told him we needed to have a very serious conversation and I wasn't going to 'forbid' him going out but he needed to consider what's more important.

He said he's got a problem. I agreed. He says he stops drinking altogether,
Or stops going out at all. I agreed.

I told him it's opened up a whole can but of worms in my head that I need to address (won't go into on this thread, but it has).

The kids then came in so haven't discussed it further.

He'll probably go out - this reunion has been years in the making and he'll
Want to show face. I can guarantee he won't drink tonight though as a) he'll be trying to prove a point and b) he's hungover.

If he goes out I'm going to use the time to collect all my thoughts, and right them down so that when we do talk I'm as coherent and on topic as possible.

Sounds as though you are warming up to making positive change for yourself and the children.

Good luck with it. You don’t have to do this alone, there are a number of agencies who support people dealing with alcohol abuse issues. Your situation is not unique and there are good people out there willing to support you (rather than tear you apart like so many in here).

Kite22 · 07/05/2022 17:25

Genuinely gobsmacked that some posters are okay with a level of drunkenness that involves vomiting and pissing yourself. Is that a normal weekend for you?

Me too.

However, at least the OP seems to have finally accepted (on about P11 or 12?) that this is really not acceptable. So far, it seems her dh has too. Whether that is 'just words' or whether he will actually accept he has a problem and do something about it, only time will tell.
I'm glad at least the OP has stopped defending him, or trying to state that loosing control of his bodily functions is in any way normal even once, let alone repeatedly.

Herejustforthisone · 07/05/2022 17:27

marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 17:15

@toomuchlaundry he won't drink tonight. It won't help though. If he goes out tonight and comes home sober I'm
Not going to pat him on the back and forgive and forget. No way, not this time.

He really is a twat. I had a similar one. Not even a very near death experience stopped him. It has now. Because I told him he would lose his child and his family if he continued and he finally took a fucking grip of himself. I put up with it for way too long. He genuinely believed his own ‘I won’t do it this time’ bullshit, too.

Also, this reunion has been years in the making and he’s ruined it by getting so fucked up last night that he’s upset his family and he feels like absolute shit. If he had a handle on himself he could have had a few drinks both nights and had a lovely time, both nights. What a shame.

Suzi888 · 07/05/2022 17:27

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:50

All very well @spotcheck but could you really relax knowing he'll probably come in and be sick/piss everywhere when you've got a 5 and 3 yo in the house?

No, I wouldn’t want him
back I’d insist he stayed in a Travelodge.

I can understand you texting to say child has cp, but surely you realise you won’t get a response. He’s probably three sheets to the wind already!

Neverendingmindfuck · 07/05/2022 17:27

It might be my age but there would be no second time a partner/husband pissed and or puked on himself/the pub floor or anywhere else.
The cobwebs would instantly form in my vagina.
My skin would recoil.

Im obviously not in the IT crowd, no change there then 🤣🤣

Trulyweird1 · 07/05/2022 17:29

Good luck OP.
Hope he does keep himself sober tonight, and that you get that chance to gather your thoughts.
Put yourself and your DC first. Imagine the life/marriage you want and expect, and tell him.

whynotwhatknot · 07/05/2022 17:32

He broke his prmise from the last time op its as simple as that

he said he wouldnt do it and he did and all he can say is youre joking