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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

762 replies

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:36

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/05/2022 14:50

I hope you sort it out, OP. Your posts are very familiar, my DH was similar for many years. He was definitely a problem drinker and so were his brothers. Our husbands sound quite similar in their behaviour except for the bodily fluids! (mine has never pissed himself that I know of, and he's never even vomited through drink - I have no idea how, the amount he can put away). But yeah, the not being able to look after himself, losing things, coming staggering in with kebab sauce down his chin and shirt and sitting there glassy eyed and dribbling , not being able to speak or undrestand what people are saying. Falling asleep on the tube and going from one end of the line to the other for hours. The first year we were together he feel asleep drunk on the bus and got shoved off it when the driver finished his shift at the depot and left all my christmas presents on it. He did get me new ones and only confessed a while later. Picking arguments with me when we've been out together and just wandering off......It's disgusting and something you'd expect someone in their early 20s to have got out of their system by the time they're 30. I just don't want my kids thinking that's normal for a night out because it really isn't.

The worse time was when he broke a wine glass in the living room and just left it all over the floor then came to bed. I didn't know about it and came down next morning with toddler DS who wandered into that room walking ttowards shards of broken glass in his bare feet. Lucklly I was a few steps behind him and shot forward to grab him. I went fucking BALLISTIC at DH (away from DS's ear shot). I told him it had to stop, he was a liability to the children, he wasn't safe to be in the house and I just wouldn't allow it. He was shocked and it did improve. But there's been the odd occasion years later when it's slipped and not been able to get transport home for god knows what reason (we live in a major city and there are always night buses and taxis etc) and he's slurred at me on the phone that he's walking all the way home. Of course that just immediately makes me so anxious because in that state he's vulnerable to people who'd just beat him up and rob him. Or even just getting hypothermic if he falls asleep in the middle of winter somewhere. So I've driven out looking for him. It makes me feel like a mum having to go and sort out her wayward 17 year old who's got themselves in trouble through drink on a night out.

Things are better now. He's quite senior in his job so tends to have less time to go out, and the pandemic helped as no-one went out!! Plus the kids are older teenagers and would witness that type of behaviour and I think he'd be ashamed if they did. But it's taken him till the age of 50 to get to this stage.

I have sympathy and the people posting that you're annoying or whatever have NO IDEA what it's like and I can only assume they're in their early 20s or don't have kids or behave that way themselves so think that's the norm.

Thedogscollar · 07/05/2022 14:51

Jesus wept @marshmallowbooks you've had a hard time on here. I came in at beginning of thread and posted a couple of times.

Can see how the thread has developed from the issue with the text messages to the state your husband drinks himself into.

The texts are not an issue at all. He ASKED you to text him and even if he hadn't I'd see no problem with this to update him on your daughters condition.

The real issue is the binge drinking and the results of this. I think you need to put your cards on the table tonight let your husband know that last night was the last time you will tolerate this, anymore and it's game over.

I wish you all the best I really do. Your husband would be a complete fool to lose his family over alcohol. He needs help and it us out there and easily accessed.

To the posters on here berating the OP with stupid comments of being controlling, annoying, manipulative and oh it's no biggie. You need to ask yourselves will my words help the OP or will they make me look like a nasty twat online.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/05/2022 14:56

Oh and I get you about just chit chat texting to your DH to update that the temp or whatever looks like it was chicken pox. I can only think that some people's partners are very hands off dads and never chat the odd detail about their kids over text. Or they are manipulative or devious themselves and say things to their partner when they reall mean something else, or want it have a certain effect. It's absolutely hilarious that some people call this completely normal type of parental chat about a child "manipulative".

OP, I get you. You mentioned the chicken pox thing as a way to demonstrate that he gets so pissed that he ignores texts that he would otherwise not ignore when sober.

Sistanotcista · 07/05/2022 14:56

I think you’re perfectly within your rights to be annoyed. All you’re asking is that he behaves like an adult and keeps open lines of communication. Not a very high threshold, and you’re not unreasonable to expect your life partner to manage that.

RealBecca · 07/05/2022 14:58

I wouldn't accept it. Today I'd leave him to it and when he is sober and calm, maybe sunday evening, I'd tell him how it affects me, how unacceptable it is and that it wont be happening again. I'd tell him that my expectation is that he repairs to sofa on his own dime and budgets for a hotel or stays at a friends next time.

The alternative would be you and kids stay a hotel bit it doesnt stop the house getting filthed on and hes be a total cunt to agree to you all leaving so he can do out on a bender.

So that's his choice. It's not controlling given his previous form. Let him piss on his friends sofa, dirty fucker.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 15:00

Thank you @CurlyhairedAssassin 💕

We still haven't really spoken. He's acting very sheepish 🙄.

No idea if he's going out tonight or not.

Me the DC are out enjoying the sunshine in the garden ☀️

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 07/05/2022 15:04

Has he dealt with the couch? The longer it sits the less chance of saving it.

Sofielou · 07/05/2022 15:05

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/05/2022 14:56

Oh and I get you about just chit chat texting to your DH to update that the temp or whatever looks like it was chicken pox. I can only think that some people's partners are very hands off dads and never chat the odd detail about their kids over text. Or they are manipulative or devious themselves and say things to their partner when they reall mean something else, or want it have a certain effect. It's absolutely hilarious that some people call this completely normal type of parental chat about a child "manipulative".

OP, I get you. You mentioned the chicken pox thing as a way to demonstrate that he gets so pissed that he ignores texts that he would otherwise not ignore when sober.

Yep. Chit chat texting is totally normal for us, too.

How an update about chicken pox can ever be labelled "manipulative" is very far beyond me.... 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 15:05

CraftyYankee · 07/05/2022 15:04

Has he dealt with the couch? The longer it sits the less chance of saving it.

I dealt with the couch first thing

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 07/05/2022 15:08

I totally get why you would. But how do you plan to make him understand the enormity of what he did if he has no repercussions?

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 15:09

@CraftyYankee I've not figured that out yet.

I'm bad with expressing how I feel in words. I also can't hold a grudge, although that will change I think

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 07/05/2022 15:13

It's not holding a grudge. It's standing up for the treatment you and your kids deserve.

It really shouldn't be that high a bar. Not drinking should be a small price to keep one's family. It all depends on priorities really. Good luck.

CrotchetyQuaver · 07/05/2022 15:19

Could you express the anxiety you feel knowing he's going to be coming home in a state at god knows what time and no idea of what you or the DC's are going to find in the morning.

NickAndJay · 07/05/2022 15:25

I wouldn’t get rid of a man who pissed on my couch and left it for my child to sit in and me to clean up because I was “holding a grudge”; I would do it because I couldn’t respect or be attracted to such a pig and because I won’t willingly live a life that involves watching television with my children while sitting on my husband’s dried piss.

grapewines · 07/05/2022 15:29

marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 15:05

I dealt with the couch first thing

Show quote history

All he's going to learn from that is that you will literally wipe up his piss for him.

He's going to keep acting this way as it has next to no consequences for him.

5128gap · 07/05/2022 15:33

CrotchetyQuaver · 07/05/2022 15:19

Could you express the anxiety you feel knowing he's going to be coming home in a state at god knows what time and no idea of what you or the DC's are going to find in the morning.

It won't make any difference. Sober he could be appalled and promise the moon, but when he starts to drink again, the person who listened to that and who loves OP and the children enough to care, will be simply gone.

bcc89 · 07/05/2022 15:36

Honestly, what would you expect him to do with a text about chicken pox? Sit and text you back when he's out with friends?
Leave him alone, fgs. Go occupy yourself with something else.

tomatoandherbs · 07/05/2022 15:38

marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 15:09

@CraftyYankee I've not figured that out yet.

I'm bad with expressing how I feel in words. I also can't hold a grudge, although that will change I think

Op
when you feel yourself “not holding a grudge” imagine this scenario but you 10 year old in 5 years time witnessing their father pissing himself and vomiting

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 15:39

bcc89 · 07/05/2022 15:36

Honestly, what would you expect him to do with a text about chicken pox? Sit and text you back when he's out with friends?
Leave him alone, fgs. Go occupy yourself with something else.

Thanks for reading the whole thread 🙈

OP posts:
FragileConsequence · 07/05/2022 15:44

If you dealt with the couch, does he actually know he pissed on it?

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 15:46

FragileConsequence · 07/05/2022 15:44

If you dealt with the couch, does he actually know he pissed on it?

Yes - I told him

He said 'you're joking?!'

OP posts:
grapewines · 07/05/2022 15:54

It's so strange to me that you seemed more upset that he took his time texting you back yesterday than you are today that he pissed the couch and left it for his kid to sit in.

tomatoandherbs · 07/05/2022 15:55

He thinks you’re joking?

surely just point at the still very damp patch on the sofa? Unless he thinks you poured water on it to make it look like he’d pissed himself

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 15:55

grapewines · 07/05/2022 15:54

It's so strange to me that you seemed more upset that he took his time texting you back yesterday than you are today that he pissed the couch and left it for his kid to sit in.

I'm not.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 07/05/2022 15:58

I very much doubt that I would find anyone attractive enough to be intimate with them after they had drunk themself into incontinence.

Unfortunately, alcohol seems to be the central focus of your DH’s social life. Does he have other interests? Friends he sees without getting hammered?