To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

[marshmallowbooks]

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

Not that it makes it better. But he fell asleep and must have pissed himself. He didn't use the couch as a toilet (in a literal sense).

Makes no difference, it's minging either way!

OP may I suggest that you start a new thread and reframe things so that you can get the support you clearly need? People have fixated on the texting scenario and very frustratingly haven't bothered to read your updates (even though from your downplayed reference to bodily fluids in your first post it was clear what the actual problem was for anyone who chose to read it properly). Wishing you strength and resolve in dealing with your DH, his actions go far beyond "letting off steam once in a while" which is what many on this thread seem determined to see them as.

Arrrgh
your DH would "still remember it" for the rest of his night.
= "rest of his LIFE", obvs.

So is he still planning to go on the second night out tonight? If so I would say to him you will be bolting the door and he should make plans to stay elsewhere, whether that is a Travelodge or his mate's, doesn't matter but you are not going to deal with this again tomorrow morning. If he protests that it won't happen 'that's what you said last night. Stay somewhere else'. And mean it. Draw a line. It's too easy for him to be 'horrified' but not do anything different otherwise.

I also think a new thread would be a good idea.

He wanted to prove he could be sensible but has now proved that he can't.
Your children have never seen him be disgusting, but how long will it be before they do?

@Evilcountspatula I was just thinking exactly this when your post popped up, well done.

I am convinced that some PP only pause long enough to read the thread title before jumping up to give OP an inappropriate bashing.

@Evilcountspatula agree. The texting is a total red herring. The point is the DH's alcoholism.

@KettrickenSmiled You are missing the nuances yourself here. He DIDN'T WANT TO text anyone. He would not have done it on his own accord. He promised to text to keep OPs mind at ease.

Which obviously was a failed tactic anyway....

He looked horrified, sure, but did he clean his piss up off the sofa and apologise to his son for having to sit in it?

Because anything else is unacceptable and disgusting.

Who's cleaned up the piss?

I'd genuinely put the kids in the car and fuck off until he's cleaned up his mess.

I agree with you OP. I don't see the big deal about sending one text especially as you'd been discussing DD and wondering what was wrong. It's his child, he might be relieved its only chicken pox and nothing worse. It's hardly going to ruin his night and he asked you to keep in touch.
You've done nothing wrong and I don't get why everyone jumped on that.

The drinking is awful though. Most people know when to slow down but he clearly hasn't learned that. Yes I'd be annoyed and having a word in the morning.

The DS HAS seen him be disgusting. The DS sat in it. And the OP would no doubt have lied to the DS about what it was, because who wouldn't? And so it begins. The covering for, the excusing, the lying. As the DC get older and less gullible, the excuses have to get more elaborate 'He's not well' 'He's depressed'....

You are missing the nuances yourself here. He DIDN'T WANT TO text anyone. He would not have done it on his own accord. He promised to text to keep OPs mind at ease.
I'm really not, @QueenCamilla - he didn't tell her he would text, her asked her to text him.
These are OP's exact words on the vexed topic!
He specifically told me to keep in touch this evening to 'prove' he wasn't going to be going mental. He wanted to prove to me after the last couple times that he's learned some kind of self control.

Which kinda pre-supposes at least one acknowledgement reply from him.
Whether he genuinely wanted to communicate or not is beside the point - the fact is, he asked her to, & fucked up anyway.

Which obviously was a failed tactic anyway....
Exactly! They are both in total denial.
Although I suspect OP is waking up now ... even more stress on her this weekend depending on whether her H chooses to attend the planned Round 2 reunion tonight ...

Agreed

Get your own life OP. You sound controlling and jealous

If people want to text each other let them do it.
I used to date a woman who'd send me a running commentary of her night. I was expected to reply. I think people take this' 'Controlling' behavior narrative and misappropriate the meaning.
My DP can text and ring as much as she would like, I don't put limits on it under some fictitious label.

I also feel as a parent, I can never be off duty, I'd be mortified if I ever let my children down because I was inebriated.

I honestly, completely fail to understand how it is possible to shack up for a relationship with someone so unattractive and vile as OPs husband. There are posters who lol at their husbands who have done it now and again in their 100 year marriages (well of course you're married for 100 years when happy to take on with a smile any disrespect provided) .... How?! How are they even married? Do you have sex with these men? How are you not revolted? Do some women not have the "ick" reflex present?

Maybe I'm extra sensitive? My dad was one of these men. At around age 5 or 6 I was fully aware of all the other adults around me trying to cover for my dad's binge drinking. We were once supposed to go to the Zoo at the weekend...and then I heard a hushed conversation in the hallway where my grandad sent my dad to the hotel "as he shall be not seen by his kids in this sort of state". I liked my dad, I missed him but I was also very aware.. Don't do this to your kids OP.

My mum divorced him and free of shackles of family life, his drinking fully took over.

With all due respect, you clearly haven't a clue what you're talking about, either of you. And I'm pleased for you that's the case. But please don't try to manipulate other women into believing that a problem doesn't exist when those of us with experience (and standards and common sense) recognise that it clearly does. Its very damaging.

Only on Mumsnet is it manipulative to tell your husband when your child is ill, and perfectly normal to not tell your wife when your daughter is hospitalised.

OP this thread was weird from the first response. I would honestly hide it and deal with things today. A lot of the replies are so so far from reality, people are taking the absolute piss.

Are you the one whose husband pisses the bed when he’s drunk?

If so, I think you need to share more detail about what happened before. As I read your posts, I genuinely thought YABU, the man is out, just let him enjoy himself and stop being so difficult.

But you mentioned he wet the bed. And I remember your previous thread on this. And with that context, I can see why you were so pissed off last night. It wasn’t the last of contact per se, but more that if he’s not responding to your texts, he must be getting really drunk and therefore what state will he be in when he gets in.

In that context, YANBU.

If you are not that poster, then YABU!

She’s the poster who’s husband pisses their new couch when he’s drunk, is that not enough?

@KettrickenSmiled

Agreed. I actually have lots of sympathy for the OP... It's not a nice life to live and she's damage limiting in a way that she knows how to. Checking in won't help, time for the next steps.

OP, ignore the bitter, obnoxious harpies banging on about the bloody texting, they have missed the point entirely.

Your DH has an issue with knowing his limits in fact he willingly sprints right over them. He needs to know that his binge drinking and urinating where he drops has to stop. If he wants to go on a bender with his friends he needs to exercise some control like a normal adult or if he is incapable of this needs to book somewhere to stay overnight so you and your children are not exposed to the vile consequences of his drinking.

Well it matters because that happened today, so why was she so pissed off last night…?

Who pissed on your chips?

Well, don’t you look a plonker.

Because, as it says in the OP, he has form for being out of control when he’s drunk.

Who pissed on yours?