To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

[marshmallowbooks]

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

Yeah I wouldn’t bother texting about the pox! It does come across needy. I mean you can deal with pox without needing him there. Nights out and reunions are not for dealing with minor kiddie illnesses! I remember once my DH texted me pictures of my child’s rash when I was on a night out (it obvs wasn’t a meningitis rash or anything). I was actually a bit pissed of. What could I have done, examining s picture of a rash at 11pm in a bar?! He was home and could deal perfectly well with a run of the mill viral rash! As it was I ended up coming home as I couldn’t really have fun after that. I didn’t mention anything but I still remember it now and it was 7 years ago!

Don't let him read the thread. I think MN has to be a safe space for venting in times like this.

Pissing on the sofa is just unacceptable. I am so sorry OP.

er my advice is that the op should not be with him. For her sake and her children’s

i don’t think he comes back sober or drink

irrelevant

At first I was going to say don’t text him unless it’s an emergency but reading your replies I get why you did. You hoped he wouldn’t overdo it and piss everywhere again, which he did but you couldn’t say it out right….you had to pussyfoot around it.

He has a drink problem.

Tell him to buy a shed or if you already have a shed, he can put an inflatable bed in there to piss on.

@tomatoandherbs err OP says she's not leaving him, so it's important she protects herself.

Relevant

Please read this carefully OP;

I once knew a divorced guy who lived alone. His ex-wife and kids lived a couple of streets away.
His kids were DD12, DS 8.
One Sat night he apparently went out 'on the lash'.
No-one really knows what actually happened but he was found on Sun afternoon by his DD who called round (his door was unlocked)
He was lying dead in a puddle of his own urine and had choked on his own vomit.

Ask your DH if this is the scenario he wants for his family? See what he says.

Same! I've been sick once from drinking too much and I was 17! Never again as an adult. Don't assume everyone else has the lack of self control you do.

Chill

Why do you need to keep in touch throughout the evening? What is he supposed to do about chicken pox in the middle of his night out?

Let him enjoy his night out without keeping tabs on him.

I grew up with an alcoholic stepfather so have zero respect for drunk people. Regularly losing things, piss and vomit etc.... that'd do it for me.

I have been sick from drinking maybe four times in 35 years of drinking. And I am a seasoned drinker and can drink a skinful when I get going.

But never in public or in front of my child.

I have never pissed on a bed or sofa. It’s animal behaviour and anyone who thinks otherwise has a seriously warped view.

Mobile phones are like a marital dog lead or tag, rude to be expecting an adult to keep in touch during a night out, if a man were to exert this level of control over a woman it would be called abusive on here.

If your DH works hard and has a lot of his plate, sometimes I think they just need that time away from all the responsibility.

On the one hand we have the ‘chill out’ set berating the OP for being controlling.

And on the other hand we have the ‘men need to switch off from family life once in a while’ apologists for shitty male behaviour.

Fucking hell. 🤦🏼‍♀️

In a vain attempt of hoping he won't come back so drunk, that he throws up and pisses himself.

The OP is not the one at fault here.

Sorry OP, you married a bellend. Normal men don’t behave like this.

Fucking hell indeed, there are no depths to which apologists for male behaviour will stoop.

so because the op says she’s not going to leave him

There is literally point posters suggesting otherwise based on their experiences of growing up with or married to a similar individual?

Either way - saying he comes back when he’s sober seems like a dreamy treat to a heavy drinker knowing he’ll have a hangover

if you’re suggesting the op be firm in saying he doesn’t come back until sober, why the heck doesn’t she channel that firmness into saying do not lose control in the first place?!

*so because the op says she’s not going to leave him

There is literally point posters suggesting otherwise based on their experiences of growing up with or married to a similar individual?*

Sorry, this makes no sense.

He looked horrified? But I bet he is still going out again tonight with his mates and he'll come home and piss on something else.

A grown man who cant stop after he has had a few drinks, gets wasted beyond anything normal, comes home and pisses all over things his family need to walk/sit on. He literally took his cock out and pissed on the sofa his children use, which you only just bought.

He's fucking disgusting.

He knows he does this. But he still drinks to excess. If he actually cared then he would have a few drinks and move onto soft drinks and not get himself into the state he pissed all over his family's home. Just disgusting.

& if you'd pissed your brand new sofa when you arrived home, your DH would "still remember it" for the rest of his night.

You didn't, because you are not a problem drinker.
OP's H did, because he is - and ... for the 9 billionth time - HE ASKED HER TO TEXT HIM. Ergo her 2 texts in 5 hours were not "needy" FFS.

So your anecdote about some texts you saw 7 years ago really has fuck-all to do with anything @Peanutbuttercupisyum

I think some posters have given you a really hard time. I completely get where you are coming from because my DH is exactly the same. He doesn’t go out much but when he does, there is no off switch. He’s completely out of control. I’ve also come down in the morning to puddles of sick and pee. He’s in his 50,s FFS. When he goes out, I’m completely on edge wondering where he is and how he’s getting home. He always leaves the front door wide open, often with his keys still in the lock. I simply can’t sleep as I’m waiting for the mess when he (finally) gets home. You have my utmost sympathy

Because the op states that she won’t leave him

There is absolutely no point me or other posters with similar experiences suggesting otherwise?

What is your thoughts? That the op should say not to comeback until sober?

but no action?
no change?
just a dh that strolls in with a belly with of fry up and a smile on his face at the lie in he had?

I know you said he doesn't do this often OP, but I'd say that doing it more than once is too many times.
I can't get past the fact that he pissed on your new sofa. There is something very wrong with your H if he really can't stop drinking once he's had enough.

FOR THE FINAL FUCKING TIME CAN PP READ THE THREAD BEFORE MAKING YOURSELVES LOOK EVEN MORE JUDGEMENTAL & IGNORANT THAN YOU ALREADY DO?

Your username is so apt @JudgeJ
But you failed to examine the evidence:
if a man were to exert this level of control over a woman it would be called abusive
This specific man TOLD his wife he wanted her to text him.
Because THIS man had sold her a pile of old baloney about wanting her to keep in contact so he could prove he was not getting wasted. Again.