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Original poster

To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

762 replies

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:36

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

OP posts:
DressingGownofDoom · 07/05/2022 11:37

@tomatoandherbs I was thinking more like stay with his drinking friends

tootiredtoocare · 07/05/2022 11:38

It might be time to have a talk with him about getting so hammered. He's a grown man and should be aware of his limits. Getting drunk is fine, but to that extent is ridiculous, and you're right to be pssd off for that.

NickAndJay · 07/05/2022 11:40

Pumperthepumper · 07/05/2022 11:16

No, she isn’t. That’s all on him.

Show quote history

I suppose I view having children as a case of joint and several liability. That is, each is 100% responsible for the welfare of any mutual children, regardless of the failures of the other.

The fact that the father in this case has shown himself unable or unwilling to provide a safe home does not mean the mother can now also fail her children without blame.

5128gap · 07/05/2022 11:41

Unless people have lived with this sort of problem drinker they don't understand. They confuse it with the occasions when they or their own partners have drunk more than they should and think its the frequency that matters, and if its rare you need to tolerate it.
They don't understand the difference between themselves or their parents getting drunk, and people who have no off switch who do this every time and can't stop themselves, regardless of consequences.
The only way of preventing it is for him never to drink again. Otherwise you face a life time of worry every time he goes out.

Pumperthepumper · 07/05/2022 11:43

NickAndJay · 07/05/2022 11:40

I suppose I view having children as a case of joint and several liability. That is, each is 100% responsible for the welfare of any mutual children, regardless of the failures of the other.

The fact that the father in this case has shown himself unable or unwilling to provide a safe home does not mean the mother can now also fail her children without blame.

Show quote history

But by your logic, if the fallout from his drinking is now her responsibility, what’s his incentive to stop?

hellrabbitishere · 07/05/2022 11:45

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/05/2022 10:50

it would never occur to me to text someone i lived with on a night out with hows your night going or funny memes , its the sort of thing you would do with your teenagers that are older and on a night out i think , but thats just me .

People have very different communication styles. Some people are never off WhatsApp and text, others find it burdensome.

But all couples have a different rhythm of communication and the OP and her DH are texters, they like to stay in touch. It it therefore odder that he seems to go into a communication black hole when he's out drinking. If he never texted, it wouldn't be out of character.

I would find incessant, intrusive questioning on a night out a PITA as well but this isn't what we're talking about: we're talking about two texts in the space of five hours, both of which are politely phrased and relevant to the health of the couple's children. They are not intrusive or aggressive.

One of bits of "cool wife" dogma is that texting or messaging on a night out is bad etiquette in principle which I think is a bit ridiculous. Barraging someone with questions is rude, but there's nothing intrinsically rude or invasive about the odd bit of communication with your partner and certainly not if its part of the normal way you communicate.

i will agree with this , we are all different , im very independent ,just like to to my own thing , and whilst id be ok with the odd text as in about 1 in the day ,if it started to get more it would be irritating me . and if i was on a night out it would put me in a rage , i just want to be left alone not have my partner texting me asking how its bloody going lol . sadly i did date someone about 4 years ago and he used to message me on facebook and even that irritated me , i felt i had to constantly check messages , reply then hed message back and i would then be stuck feeling like i had to keep replying , drove me mad , i honestly do think people are slaves to their cell phones though , and just think for all those years before they were here couples communicated just fine without them lol

i only have mine because i have a child and i need to know people can get hold of me if theres a problem or emergency , if i didnt have her i wouldnt even have one , could easily live without it

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 07/05/2022 11:46

I get ill if I have more than three drinks and/or a late night so throwing up to me isn’t that unusual. It’s the reason I can’t be bothered with alcohol or late nights anymore. When I was younger I could drink a lot more for a much longer time but with age, lack of sleep, kids, for the past ten years I’d much prefer to go for a meal with a glass or two of wine. I still envy those who can go out and function normally the next day but none of those who do that in my circle have children.

I misinterpreted the part where the OP said he soiled himself.

To me that implies his body can’t tolerate alcohol or he drinks to excess which needs a serious conversation about accepting alcohol doesn’t suit him.

I still maintain continually texting somebody while they are out is unnecessary and checking your phone and being on the phone is extremely rude to those whose company you are in.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/05/2022 11:46

Blarting · 07/05/2022 10:25

Throwing up from drinking too much should not be down played as "not sitting right on my stomach", it's a clear sign you've drunk far too much.

I'm glad he is helping out today OP, good luck with the chat.

Neither throwing up or pissing yourself is acceptable.

Show quote history

Oh don’t be so pious. Have you never thrown up from drinking alcohol? You wanna get a life

5128gap · 07/05/2022 11:49

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 07/05/2022 11:46

I get ill if I have more than three drinks and/or a late night so throwing up to me isn’t that unusual. It’s the reason I can’t be bothered with alcohol or late nights anymore. When I was younger I could drink a lot more for a much longer time but with age, lack of sleep, kids, for the past ten years I’d much prefer to go for a meal with a glass or two of wine. I still envy those who can go out and function normally the next day but none of those who do that in my circle have children.

I misinterpreted the part where the OP said he soiled himself.

To me that implies his body can’t tolerate alcohol or he drinks to excess which needs a serious conversation about accepting alcohol doesn’t suit him.

I still maintain continually texting somebody while they are out is unnecessary and checking your phone and being on the phone is extremely rude to those whose company you are in.

She's still at the point where she thinks that she can control the situation. She loves him, their life is good in other aspects. She thinks that by her vigilance she can stop him spoiling an otherwise good thing. It takes many failed attempts before realising that you can't.

Nanny0gg · 07/05/2022 11:49

Blarting · 07/05/2022 11:00

Dud you miss the bit where OP says this happens everyone he goes out alone?

Show quote history

It's also happened when she was there...

Blarting · 07/05/2022 11:50

@tomatoandherbs he goes back to a hotel room, vomits everywhere, pisses his bed abs then had to pay for someone else to clear it up!

Ultimately he should not drink, but he continues to.

Do remind me of the benefits OP has had by him coming home? Possibly an hours child care, but lost sleep, anger, irritation, cleaning up after him outweighs that surely?

Blarting · 07/05/2022 11:52

Oh don’t be so pious. Have you never thrown up from drinking alcohol? You wanna get a life

Yes I was 16! Again you minimise throwing up from drinking too much, it makes you feel it's "normal"?

It's not!

AndAsIfByMagic · 07/05/2022 11:53

@LuckySantangelo35

Oh don’t be so pious. Have you never thrown up from drinking alcohol? You wanna get a life

In the world of normal people pissing yourself and throwing up because you are too stupid to know your limits is not having a life.

I have been sick after drinking once. I was 16. I'm all grown up now so behave as adults do, no pissing myself or puking.

If this is your life I feel really sorry for you.

BronwenFrideswide · 07/05/2022 11:53

Oh don’t be so pious. Have you never thrown up from drinking alcohol? You wanna get a life

What a perfect example of the drinking culture prevalent amongst some - you haven't had a life if you have never thrown up from drinking, classy.

NickAndJay · 07/05/2022 11:54

@Pumperthepumper

His incentive should be wanting to stay in the same home as his children and his wife, who should be moving swiftly to remove him from the home until he stops this disgusting behaviour.

If she doesn’t take responsibility for protecting the children from this by removing him, then what incentive does he have? He keeps doing what he wants to, and she papers over it and tells herself it’s not so bad because he’s a great dad when he’s not pissing on their furniture?

Hallyup89 · 07/05/2022 11:55

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/05/2022 11:46

Oh don’t be so pious. Have you never thrown up from drinking alcohol? You wanna get a life

Show quote history

Believe it or not there are plenty of people who have never thrown up from drinking alcohol. I suggest you stop being so rude and evaluate your own life if you feel the need to belittle people for having some self-respect.

Pumperthepumper · 07/05/2022 11:55

NickAndJay · 07/05/2022 11:54

@Pumperthepumper

His incentive should be wanting to stay in the same home as his children and his wife, who should be moving swiftly to remove him from the home until he stops this disgusting behaviour.

If she doesn’t take responsibility for protecting the children from this by removing him, then what incentive does he have? He keeps doing what he wants to, and she papers over it and tells herself it’s not so bad because he’s a great dad when he’s not pissing on their furniture?

His own morality. That’s the crux of alcoholism.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/05/2022 11:56

She's still at the point where she thinks that she can control the situation. She loves him, their life is good in other aspects. She thinks that by her vigilance she can stop him spoiling an otherwise good thing. It takes many failed attempts before realising that you can't.

This is spot on and unfortunately the OP has to come to this realisation on her own.

I was married to a problem drinker and I also spent many years in a state of "vigilance": warning him not to get smashed, bargaining with him "you can do it tonight as long as you don't do it next Friday", consoling myself with false hope "he only had four pints tonight" etc. It's a miserable state to be in and ultimately I decided my daughter and I deserved better. And I'm bloody glad I did.

From personal experience I know that once you get to this point you are better off planning to get out of it. You can never stop a drinker drinking and any attempts to get him to moderate it are short-term solutions which usually don't work very well and breed distrust and resentment. The only way to get the control you want is to leave the relationship and take his power away.

OP I think you need to start planning towards a future without him. Put you and your children first and stop having to have your peace of mind contingent on whether or not he will drink. It may be that he subsequently comes to the realisation that he risks losing his family on his own and bucks his ideas up. But you can't count on that. Sadly, you have to work on the basis that he won't change and start planning accordingly.

forrestgreen · 07/05/2022 11:56

I would have been happy to send and receive a text about my kids.

I would expect a grown man to have a great time out without coming home and being unable to control bodily fluids.

I think because he gets up and is part of the family he thinks his behaviour is acceptable.

DuchessofAnkh22 · 07/05/2022 11:56

marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 10:51

I'm actually tempted to let him read this thread

You should be pissed of as he is a type of alcoholic. He is a binge drinker with no control.

He is drinking way to fast, and therefore cannot control what is happening to him. The loss of bodily functions is a consequence, and he is in danger of alcohol poisoning doing this.

It may be something he can ultimately control, or he may just have to not drink.

DuchessofAnkh22 · 07/05/2022 11:57

*off

JohnNutLips · 07/05/2022 11:58

My ex used to be like this, both when out alone and together. I eventually stopped drinking when out together as I couldn’t relax thinking about what he’d do next. Every time he apologised the next morning and promised it wouldn’t happen again. Eventually I lost all respect for him and no longer found him an attractive person - I left and don’t regret it one bit. A binge drinking habit is not healthy or normal, there’s no excuse for getting in such a state.

CruCru · 07/05/2022 11:59

I actually think whether or not the OP texted her husband about the children having chickenpox is a bit of a red herring.

The issue is that there is no expectation that this man will act like a grown up when he goes out with his friends. He himself doesn’t expect to act like a grown up - he specifically told his wife to keep in touch to prove that he wasn’t going to go mental. The OP had an anxious night with no sleep because she expected him to do something ghastly (and weeing on the sofa is fairly ghastly).

Texting him, fretting when you don’t get a response and not being able to get to sleep is what you do when your teenage son goes out, not your husband. It’s like packing a school bag and picking out trousers - once someone is grown up, they need to sort themselves out.

It’s time to give him some distance. Tell him you expect him to deal with the sofa (ideally a professional clean but I have no idea whether you are well off - if not then he’ll have to give it a jolly good clean on his own - and he has to buy the cleaning products himself, Mummy isn’t going to sort that for him).

NickAndJay · 07/05/2022 12:00

BronwenFrideswide · 07/05/2022 11:53

Oh don’t be so pious. Have you never thrown up from drinking alcohol? You wanna get a life

What a perfect example of the drinking culture prevalent amongst some - you haven't had a life if you have never thrown up from drinking, classy.

Exactly! I’ve never thrown up from drinking, never held someone else’s hair back while she barfed (classic, we’ve-all-been-there, inevitable-end-to-a-fun-night-out-with-fun-people scene in British television), and have a life which I’m going to hazard a guess is considerably more pleasant than the people telling me to get one.

tomatoandherbs · 07/05/2022 12:01

DressingGownofDoom · 07/05/2022 11:37

@tomatoandherbs I was thinking more like stay with his drinking friends

Have a lie in, enjoy a fry up with them
and then stroll in morning

hardly a punishment to say… don’t come back until you’re sober

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