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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

762 replies

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:36

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 07/05/2022 11:05

MyCatKeepsRumblingTheDog · 06/05/2022 23:47

Chill, you don’t need to text him when he’s out to say you think one of the kids has chickenpox as that is NOT an emergency, it sounds more like you can’t let him go out without being needy and clingy and interrupting his night.

Yeah, this, sorry OP.

trackerc · 07/05/2022 11:05

kittenkipping · 07/05/2022 11:00

I'm sorry you have to deal with this op. He's really let you down, and been so very disrespectful and selfish.

This.

As you'd been discussing what was wrong with your child as you both knew something was up, then finding out what it was, chickenpox, that is a reasonable thing to text. It's an extension of conversations & wasn't demanding a response. I'd do the same.
He should be ashamed of his behaviour (that was predictable & he'd assured he'd mitigate against)
And does he still expect to go on Round 2 tonight?

KettrickenSmiled · 07/05/2022 11:06

@Mellowyellow222 no they've never seen either of us drunk. They've never seen him be sick etc either.

If their father doesn't amend his unhealthy drinking habits, the DC will soon be witnessing its effects.

They're young enough for it to be hidden from them right now - but what is H going to do to ensure they never have to witness an out of control drunk in their home, & grow up knowing their dad didn't care enough about their welfare to stop upsetting them by making an exhibition of himself?

pedropony76 · 07/05/2022 11:06

A grown man has pissed himself??? Omg throw him in the bin

springtimeishereagain · 07/05/2022 11:11

The last time he went out (maybe 6-8 weeks ago?) it was BAD. So much so that he promised he would never drink again because of what happened.

I'm not surprised you're concerned, op, and I don't get why people are telling you to chill out 🙄

Your h sounds grim beyond belief. So he's not stuck to his promise not to drink again??

Off to catch up with your posts.

Superbabe64 · 07/05/2022 11:12

Chill...he's a grown man...why does he need to keep in touch?

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/05/2022 11:12

I suspect more of the people downplaying his repulsive behaviour are people who, like the OP, are apparently fine with raising children in a vomit- and urine-soaked household like a bunch of filthy, mistreated farm animals, and rather than admitting that they ought to be doing much, much better try to paint anyone with higher standards as “controlling.”

This is exactly what it is. A large proportion of the British population drink to excess and normalise behaviour like this as "a laugh" or "letting off steam" or whatever. A vomit-flecked night out is seen as a badge of honour and a bonding moment for the lads, complete with social media memes and endless cross-references at the next get-together.

And anyone who thinks this is abnormal or unhealthy is branded "square" or "uptight" or "controlling". While children grow up thinking this is how adults behave and, surprise surprise, start emulating it when they are old enough to do so.

The thing is that there's very little the OP can do about this without the DH's buy-in. the DH clearly doesn't see it as a problem. The only thing she can do, long term, is choose to remove herself from the situation which obviously isn't a trivial matter.

tomatoandherbs · 07/05/2022 11:13

I suspect more of the people downplaying his repulsive behaviour are people who, like the OP, are apparently fine with raising children in a vomit- and urine-soaked household like a bunch of filthy, mistreated farm animals, and rather than admitting that they ought to be doing much, much better try to paint anyone with higher standards as “controlling.”

this. Word for word.

BrightonBunny · 07/05/2022 11:15

I couldn't live like this. If he can't handle his drink he shouldn't drink at all. If that's a problem for him then you have your answer.

NickAndJay · 07/05/2022 11:15

@Pumperthepumper

I don’t subscribe to the belief that some on here do that the OP is in any way responsible for her husband’s out-of-control drinking.

She is, however, responsible for having allowed him to come into her children’s home in such an unacceptable state more than once and is guilty of teaching them that this is an acceptable way to live your life.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/05/2022 11:15

marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 10:51

I'm actually tempted to let him read this thread

I always disagree with that notion ... but in this case, it might just be the wake-up call he needs. As if SofaGate weren't enough.
Or making false promises to his wife.
Or setting his DC up to witness his revolting loss of control in the near future.

I hope he reads the posts by adult children of alkie parents, & reflects long & hard on why he thinks he's having fun when he's too bladdered to communiate properly or remember anything ...
& what's more important - his wife & kids, or his need to get trouser-pissing drunk every time he sees this bunch of mates?

Pumperthepumper · 07/05/2022 11:16

NickAndJay · 07/05/2022 11:15

@Pumperthepumper

I don’t subscribe to the belief that some on here do that the OP is in any way responsible for her husband’s out-of-control drinking.

She is, however, responsible for having allowed him to come into her children’s home in such an unacceptable state more than once and is guilty of teaching them that this is an acceptable way to live your life.

No, she isn’t. That’s all on him.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/05/2022 11:18

Mariposista · 07/05/2022 10:52

Two issues here - he should not be getting so off his face that he throws up/pees everywhere. come one he's not 17 anymore.
You shouldn't be texting him about domestic stuff unless it's a real emergency (then it should be a call). If he is constantly checking his phone to check in with you on his downtime, he just looks henpecked. And likewise, he should not do this to you when you go out.

FFS when are PP gonna understand that nobody made them the Text Police?

There is only one issue - DH is an alcoholic.
The texting - WHICH btw HE ASKED HIS WIFE TO DO - is not an issue.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 07/05/2022 11:18

Honestly OP I am so confused at all the responses excusing this behaviour. One or two texts at the beginning of the night with updates is hardly stalking him. This part of the story is pretty irrelevant imo.

Even after he vomited in the middle of a pub he hasn't leanred his lesson a matter of weeks later. He doesn't actually care enough to prove to you that he can go out and not get into this state. That is worrying so soon after his last 'mistake'. You and your kids deserve to move freely around your home without stepping or sitting in an adult males piss. The kids may be unaware now but eventually he'll not be able to hide this from them as they become more aware. He is either incredibly selfish and disrespectful or he has a real problem with alcohol.

billy1966 · 07/05/2022 11:18

tomatoandherbs · 07/05/2022 11:13

I suspect more of the people downplaying his repulsive behaviour are people who, like the OP, are apparently fine with raising children in a vomit- and urine-soaked household like a bunch of filthy, mistreated farm animals, and rather than admitting that they ought to be doing much, much better try to paint anyone with higher standards as “controlling.”

this. Word for word.

I too agree with this.

For the Jeremy Kyle set, this is business as usual.🙄

I enjoy a drink as does my husband, but this is the absolute dregs of an environment for the OP and her children to be living in.

This is not normal family life.

DressingGownofDoom · 07/05/2022 11:19

I'd tell him next time he goes out to stay out and not come home til he's sober since he can't behave himself.

tomatoandherbs · 07/05/2022 11:19

I'm actually tempted to let him read this thread

oh he won’t give a hoot
There is a tendency of some to think that mumsnet is really important and everyone takes it seriously

most men and indeed many many women either don’t know about it or really do not give a toss what a random group of anonymous mumsnetter posters think of them

if his own wife and children can’t change his behaviour, you think that a mumsnet thread is going to help him see the way??

tomatoandherbs · 07/05/2022 11:20

DressingGownofDoom · 07/05/2022 11:19

I'd tell him next time he goes out to stay out and not come home til he's sober since he can't behave himself.

Great
so he books a hotel room, has a nice lie in, enjoys the hotel breakfast and then strolls in late morning 🙄

billy1966 · 07/05/2022 11:23

@NickAndJay

I agree.

OP, you now know this is very wrong.

Allowing it to continue will be your responsibility.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 07/05/2022 11:27

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/05/2022 11:12

I suspect more of the people downplaying his repulsive behaviour are people who, like the OP, are apparently fine with raising children in a vomit- and urine-soaked household like a bunch of filthy, mistreated farm animals, and rather than admitting that they ought to be doing much, much better try to paint anyone with higher standards as “controlling.”

This is exactly what it is. A large proportion of the British population drink to excess and normalise behaviour like this as "a laugh" or "letting off steam" or whatever. A vomit-flecked night out is seen as a badge of honour and a bonding moment for the lads, complete with social media memes and endless cross-references at the next get-together.

And anyone who thinks this is abnormal or unhealthy is branded "square" or "uptight" or "controlling". While children grow up thinking this is how adults behave and, surprise surprise, start emulating it when they are old enough to do so.

The thing is that there's very little the OP can do about this without the DH's buy-in. the DH clearly doesn't see it as a problem. The only thing she can do, long term, is choose to remove herself from the situation which obviously isn't a trivial matter.

Both the quote and your post perfectly describe the reality.

I was lucky I never saw either of my parents drunk because they didn't drink.
That behavior is a public nuisance pre-child, but it's no way to bring a child up.
I can not imagine being in bed as a child listening to a parent vomiting or crashing about.
Wtaf is wrong with people.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/05/2022 11:33

I can not imagine being in bed as a child listening to a parent vomiting or crashing about.

It's terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. Like your wonderful safe parent has been replaced by a scary monster.
Like you can't trust that parent to love you, because they might be the monster.
And the next-day hangover is miserable for the child too.
As is the smell of stale booze off the parent, & the sight of property damage.

OP's DH - ARE YOU LISTENING?

clarasara · 07/05/2022 11:34

To be fair OP I am with you! I would text to say about chickenpox.

hellrabbitishere · 07/05/2022 11:34

NickAndJay · 07/05/2022 10:58

@Pumperthepumper

I see your point that there may be people on here who haven’t dealt with the disgusting reality of an unhousetrained adult human who are trying to convince the OP that she’s uptight for not being cool with that.

However, I suspect more of the people downplaying his repulsive behaviour are people who, like the OP, are apparently fine with raising children in a vomit- and urine-soaked household like a bunch of filthy, mistreated farm animals, and rather than admitting that they ought to be doing much, much better try to paint anyone with higher standards as “controlling.”

It beggars belief that she’s allowed this to happen in her children’s home multiple times. This isn’t the first thread I’ve read on here where the OP is irritated by indoor pissing rather than divorced because of it. Unfathomably low standards for so many women on here.

i think most of us are in agreement that its not reasonable for her husband to be out getting into the state where hes throwing up everywhere and incontinent , i suspect not many of us would be down with that kids or no kids in the mix

i do think the issue of texting is completly different and not even really part of the main problem .
no of course op is not controlling to expect her oh to not come back in a state , its not controlling to expect him to let her know if he is staying out all night ,and she did text him because he asked her to although what hes meant to do about one of the kids having chickenpox when hes out i dont know .
i do think texting people on nights out is controlling in its own way , but in the bigger picture which is the ops its more understandable ,

IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 07/05/2022 11:35

I think this is the worst example of RTFT I’ve ever seen on here. It’s not about texting, it’s about problematic, dangerous drinking. The OP minimised it herself in the beginning talking about ‘bodily fluids’ but that’s what happens. I was you OP, wondering if I was ‘over reacting’ and believing his message that what he was doing was normal, a reaction to stress, just an occasional night etc. It escalated and I, having been trained by him into normalising it , enabled long after I should have called a halt. I would love to see you talk to Al Anon or even Womens Aid because drinking like that is abusive to you. Lying to you is abusive. The texting was a smoke screen. You knew deep down he was off on a complete bender. Take care of yourself

AProperStinging · 07/05/2022 11:37

I drink a lot. Far more than is good for my health. I have never in my life pissed on an item of furniture or vomited everywhere leaving it for someone else to clean up. There's nothing lighthearted or funny about this. Your child sat in their drunk father's urine. That's fucking disgusting. He is fucking disgusting.

My husband has been sober for four years because he couldn't stop once he started drinking. He became teetotal because he understood it was incompatible with family life, and because I'd have kicked him out and divorced him if he hadn't.

That's what a decent man does