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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

762 replies

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:36

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

OP posts:
SpindleInTheWind · 07/05/2022 10:46

Gawd there have been some right cunts on this thread, and the OP @marshmallowbooks isn't one of them.

I doubt this fool of a husband and father will even clean up properly. There will be a cursory attempt, and that's it.

The OP needs help to see her way through this; because I think it's ultimatum time.

Sofielou · 07/05/2022 10:46

personally i do find it controlling as in when two hours goes by and there hasnt been a reply back one of them starts getting either all anxious or pissed off and i think that is a form of control .

Except I don't get anxious or pissed off if I get no reply after a few hours. Nor does he. We just assume the other is busy.

It's also not that we can't go a few hours without contact, it's just the normal pattern of behaviour within our relationship that we have established now the best part of 7 years.

We communicate regularly, we enjoy sharing things with each other if we are apart.

You think that's odd and controlling. I think it's a healthy relationship.

Each to their own.

Searchfornessie · 07/05/2022 10:47

Last time was shout 6-8 weeks ago (and I was with him, he ended up being sick on a pub floor)

This has happened to me before. I was 15.

Beautifulmonster87 · 07/05/2022 10:48

Sofielou · 07/05/2022 10:13

As an example, I was out with work colleagues for a drink the other night and DP sent me picture texts of our 1 yo DD looking cute before bed saying "goodnight mummy". I smiled and replied. If he'd said "I think DD is poorly" I'd have stepped outside and called him, as I'd have been concerned. This is the sort of relationship we have, where communication about our child is normal, and in no way "manipulative", regardless of where either of us physically is. Because, well, we both care about DD and don't mind responding to texts about her. I just assumed that was normal. But evidently not! Confused

Totally normal and same here!

SpindleInTheWind · 07/05/2022 10:48

@marshmallowbooks if you're still reading - maybe get the hell out of Dodge (AIBU) and start a thread in Relationships. Most of the Cool Wives have that hidden so it's much more supportive and realistic.

Hallyup89 · 07/05/2022 10:49

I can't believe so many people are telling you to chill, like going out and getting bladdered is completely normal to them. It's pathetic that they think that's part of having a good time and is ok. It isn't.

Your partner needs help if he can't control himself. I couldn't live with a guy like this. If he's going to act like a moron then he deserves to be checked up on. A few text messages isn't a terrible thing.

I'd be fuming that he'd broken his promises, especially when you have young children. They don't need that to be set as an example of how adults should behave.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/05/2022 10:50

it would never occur to me to text someone i lived with on a night out with hows your night going or funny memes , its the sort of thing you would do with your teenagers that are older and on a night out i think , but thats just me .

People have very different communication styles. Some people are never off WhatsApp and text, others find it burdensome.

But all couples have a different rhythm of communication and the OP and her DH are texters, they like to stay in touch. It it therefore odder that he seems to go into a communication black hole when he's out drinking. If he never texted, it wouldn't be out of character.

I would find incessant, intrusive questioning on a night out a PITA as well but this isn't what we're talking about: we're talking about two texts in the space of five hours, both of which are politely phrased and relevant to the health of the couple's children. They are not intrusive or aggressive.

One of bits of "cool wife" dogma is that texting or messaging on a night out is bad etiquette in principle which I think is a bit ridiculous. Barraging someone with questions is rude, but there's nothing intrinsically rude or invasive about the odd bit of communication with your partner and certainly not if its part of the normal way you communicate.

Wheelerdeeler · 07/05/2022 10:51

This needs to stop now.

He has serious thinking to do today. About what's really important.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/05/2022 10:51

Sofielou · 07/05/2022 10:13

As an example, I was out with work colleagues for a drink the other night and DP sent me picture texts of our 1 yo DD looking cute before bed saying "goodnight mummy". I smiled and replied. If he'd said "I think DD is poorly" I'd have stepped outside and called him, as I'd have been concerned. This is the sort of relationship we have, where communication about our child is normal, and in no way "manipulative", regardless of where either of us physically is. Because, well, we both care about DD and don't mind responding to texts about her. I just assumed that was normal. But evidently not! Confused

obvs your DP is a controlling nightmare @Sofielou , & the text he sent you tipped you over into instant raging alcoholism - if only he had thought to let you off the leash & stop suffocating you! 😱

Still, nice to know that pissing all over the sofa isn't your fault - it's all his for texting you like you asked him to, huh?

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 10:51

I'm actually tempted to let him read this thread

OP posts:
Sofielou · 07/05/2022 10:51

@Thepeopleversuswork

Spot on and exactly what I am trying to say.

Mariposista · 07/05/2022 10:52

Two issues here - he should not be getting so off his face that he throws up/pees everywhere. come one he's not 17 anymore.
You shouldn't be texting him about domestic stuff unless it's a real emergency (then it should be a call). If he is constantly checking his phone to check in with you on his downtime, he just looks henpecked. And likewise, he should not do this to you when you go out.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/05/2022 10:54

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/05/2022 10:18

I think the only issue here is the pissing on the sofa which sounds like repeat behaviour. He needs to get better at gauging his limits. Throwing up after alcohol is common, can happen to me after not loads of drinks by any means, sometimes just doesn’t sit well on my stomach. But the pissing is a problem as it’s ruining furniture. I too would be well fucked off by this.

Yeah - the furniture is the ONLY issue here.

OP's stress & anger aren't an issue, the drinking itself isn't an issue, the increasing awareness of her young DC & impact on them isn't an issue ...

Will nobody think of the consumer goods?

WibblyWobblyJane · 07/05/2022 10:55

My DH and I do occasionally text one another while one of us is out. He would not neglect to tell me something important and would be bothered if I waited until he was home. Maybe that’s not normal for everyone but it works for us and obviously many other posters. We are adults and partners; it’s not an annoyance to hear from one another.

Sofielou · 07/05/2022 10:55

@KettrickenSmiled

😂

I didn't piss on the sofa, though.

Giraffesandbottoms · 07/05/2022 10:55

The fact that some people are actually excusing a grown man vomiting everywhere and pissing on the sofa when he has children shows how disturbing the British drinking culture is

Sofielou · 07/05/2022 10:57

We are adults and partners; it’s not an annoyance to hear from one another.

Exactly. I thought most couples felt the same but it seems not...

NickAndJay · 07/05/2022 10:58

@Pumperthepumper

I see your point that there may be people on here who haven’t dealt with the disgusting reality of an unhousetrained adult human who are trying to convince the OP that she’s uptight for not being cool with that.

However, I suspect more of the people downplaying his repulsive behaviour are people who, like the OP, are apparently fine with raising children in a vomit- and urine-soaked household like a bunch of filthy, mistreated farm animals, and rather than admitting that they ought to be doing much, much better try to paint anyone with higher standards as “controlling.”

It beggars belief that she’s allowed this to happen in her children’s home multiple times. This isn’t the first thread I’ve read on here where the OP is irritated by indoor pissing rather than divorced because of it. Unfathomably low standards for so many women on here.

Mellowyellow222 · 07/05/2022 10:59

marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 10:39

@Mellowyellow222 no they've never seen either of us drunk. They've never seen him be sick etc either.

He never stays in bed all day after a night out, and he does manage to hide any hangover he might have.

That's beside the point though, still shouldn't be happening.

It’s just a matter of time though isn’t it?

he can’t hold his brink at all.

I drink, I get drunk, but Don’t lose control like he does.

one night he will slam the door too loud, break a glass in the kitchen, and a child will appear. Daddy will be vomiting or peeing himself, child will get scared.

all the noise about texting home etc is nonsense. Text away - not sure why that’s controlling😂. But he needs to get his shot together. If he can’t go out and have a few drinks like a normal person then either he goes to a hotel or he doesn’t drink. He needs to grow up and not bring this nonsense home.

you have the patience of a saint OP😊.

kittenkipping · 07/05/2022 11:00

I'm sorry you have to deal with this op. He's really let you down, and been so very disrespectful and selfish.

Blarting · 07/05/2022 11:00

SoHereBesMe · 07/05/2022 10:40

Chill.... a bit

My DH works hard. And alot of hours. So when he does go out, he goes out out and let's go. Yes he turns into a bit of a Dick, but I think ya know what, he doesn't do it every weekend. Or even every month. 99% of the time he's a very responsible, kind, thoughtful husband and daddy. He needs down time with his mates the odd time.

The last time he really let go, we were away together as part of a reunion. I went to bed and he stayed up with the boys drinking.
Came to bed about 2-3, vomited every where and was an absolute plague.

Next day, he couldn't believe it and vowed not to touch a drop of drink the rest of the reunion. What I'm trying to say is, he realised himself and I didn't need to turn into the demon bitch wife.

If your DH works hard and has a lot of his plate, sometimes I think they just need that time away from all the responsibility.

Dud you miss the bit where OP says this happens everyone he goes out alone?

Pumperthepumper · 07/05/2022 11:00

NickAndJay · 07/05/2022 10:58

@Pumperthepumper

I see your point that there may be people on here who haven’t dealt with the disgusting reality of an unhousetrained adult human who are trying to convince the OP that she’s uptight for not being cool with that.

However, I suspect more of the people downplaying his repulsive behaviour are people who, like the OP, are apparently fine with raising children in a vomit- and urine-soaked household like a bunch of filthy, mistreated farm animals, and rather than admitting that they ought to be doing much, much better try to paint anyone with higher standards as “controlling.”

It beggars belief that she’s allowed this to happen in her children’s home multiple times. This isn’t the first thread I’ve read on here where the OP is irritated by indoor pissing rather than divorced because of it. Unfathomably low standards for so many women on here.

Right. Just so we’re clear then, it’s definitely the OP’s fault?

Pumperthepumper · 07/05/2022 11:01

Also, the OP does not seem fine with this set up.

tomatoandherbs · 07/05/2022 11:01

Sofielou · 07/05/2022 10:42

@tomatoandherbs

How is that in any way helpful to OP?! I'm sure she recognises that the situation is less than ideal but she's clearly doing her best.

She also said the following:

Me and DC are having a nice morning building Lego

and that her DH was up playing with DD, too.

I'm sure she is doing her best to make the environment as pleasant as possible for her little ones in the circumstances! And I'm sure your comments aren't exactly helpful.

To galvanise to actually do something about her marriage
i grew up with a parent like this
Loving parents
but… fucking awful post “incidents” just like this. Awful

Limer · 07/05/2022 11:04

Has he cleaned the sofa? Or did you do that?

I hope when you have "the talk" later you tell him his drinking days are over. He's run out of chances.