To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

[marshmallowbooks]

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

A deeply hungover father
a sofa smelling of my piss
and a mother angry, shouting and rightfully very upset

No point getting worked up about it. Just be calm and tell him he has to sort alternative accommodation for next time he goes out, and make him clean the sofa by hiring a proper carpet/soft furnishing cleaner. A half arsed attempt is not good enough. Make him realise the effort isn’t worth it.

See how embarrassed he will be after pissing on a mates sofa!

You really have no idea about the environment.

He didn't say anything as I left to go downstairs.

He's now with the kids who - despite the CP - are as happy as Larry. I would never ever cause a scene or an argument or even be unpleasant to DH infront of them.

There is a big issue here if your children witness their dad in the extreme state. Do they some down in the morning to vomit everywhere. Does he wake them up when the comes home?

if it was just you and him I would say chill - but the children living with this every couple of months is an issue.

they will absolutely remember this - and think less of their dad. Does he understand this?

He was so drunk he vomited on the pub floor, he is sick and wets himself when he gets home and your txting him about cp. I would be txting him not to come home in that state. He is disgusting really disgusting he has no respect for you or himself. I not sure I could chill if I knew he was coming home to use the house as a toilet. I hope he grows up soon op he sounds like a prick

This is so beyond the realms of unacceptable that I don’t understand how you’ve been putting up with it. You’re saying it’s not make or break but your child sitting in your husband’s piss is pretty make or break, isn’t it? This is someone who continues to go out and behaviour in this manner despite the consequences, and the consequences are pretty shocking, actually. I couldn’t be with someone who did this - the children will absolutely pick up on it. Horrible.

@Mellowyellow222 no they've never seen either of us drunk. They've never seen him be sick etc either.

He never stays in bed all day after a night out, and he does manage to hide any hangover he might have.

That's beside the point though, still shouldn't be happening.

You are doing well OP.

I disagree with the comments saying he can stay out all night if he wants to go out. OP will just be up all night worried sick that he’s dead in a ditch. Her partner needs to have enough respect for her not to behave like this in the first place.

I have a friend in her forties whose dad did this. She still talks about feeling unsafe and worried. I see him now, a respectable man in his seventies, and think was a loser - putting his kids though that.

What is CP? Sorry for asking just not sure within the context

Ok tell yourself that this is an idyllic family environment OP

I've also not said that 🙄

Chill.... a bit

My DH works hard. And alot of hours. So when he does go out, he goes out out and let's go. Yes he turns into a bit of a Dick, but I think ya know what, he doesn't do it every weekend. Or even every month. 99% of the time he's a very responsible, kind, thoughtful husband and daddy. He needs down time with his mates the odd time.

The last time he really let go, we were away together as part of a reunion. I went to bed and he stayed up with the boys drinking.
Came to bed about 2-3, vomited every where and was an absolute plague.

Next day, he couldn't believe it and vowed not to touch a drop of drink the rest of the reunion. What I'm trying to say is, he realised himself and I didn't need to turn into the demon bitch wife.

If your DH works hard and has a lot of his plate, sometimes I think they just need that time away from all the responsibility.

Chicken pox

@Sofielou I’m completely with you. 21 years with dh and we’d message if one was out and the other home. Last night I was at a meal, when I went to the loo I sent a quick message saying “food lovely but service slow. Hope girls were good at bed time xx”

dh replied, “girls being good. Have a lovely night xx”

not controlling, just normal communication for us. Depends on your relationship - there’s no right or wrong, just different expectations.

BECAUSE. HE. ASKED. HER. TO.

HTH* *@BigSandyBalls2015

Are all these PP's fixating on the wrong thing, & reaching idiotic conclusions that OP caused her H's binge drinking, too busy pissing on their furniture to actually RTFT?

The last time he went out (maybe 6-8 weeks ago?) it was BAD. So much so that he promised he would never drink again because of what happened

and on top of everything… he’s a downright liar

@tomatoandherbs

How is that in any way helpful to OP?! I'm sure she recognises that the situation is less than ideal but she's clearly doing her best.

She also said the following:

Me and DC are having a nice morning building Lego

and that her DH was up playing with DD, too.

I'm sure she is doing her best to make the environment as pleasant as possible for her little ones in the circumstances! And I'm sure your comments aren't exactly helpful.

Glad I'm not alone! DP and I are the exact same as this.

He's now with the kids who - despite the CP - are as happy as Larry.

sounds idyllic 🤔

of course when then very soon get to the age where they are more aware of their environment and tension between their parents and their father’s gross behaviour… I doubt “happy as Larry” will be applicable

Frankly after the second time of my DH coming home and pissing himself I would expect him to not drink again.

i just feel it is , its beyond me why two grown adults that are living together would need or feel the need to text one another during a night out , same as the ones who are texting each other all day i guess , i find that a bit odd as well , surely you can communicate when you see each other again , personally i do find it controlling as in when two hours goes by and there hasnt been a reply back one of them starts getting either all anxious or pissed off and i think that is a form of control .
lived with someone who liked to phone me in my lunch breaks at work and after a few months it started to grate very much , or he would text and id then feel obligated to text back , our relationship went majorly on the slide after about a year and it was such a relief when the bloody phone calls and text messages stopped .
it would never occur to me to text someone i lived with on a night out with hows your night going or funny memes , its the sort of thing you would do with your teenagers that are older and on a night out i think , but thats just me .

i can see in the ops case of course why she does text her husband , plus of course he asked her to , even if that was so he could prove he wasnt langered

I can totally relate. My DH did the same and has now had to stop drinking as he feels so horrific after he doesn’t enjoy it anymore. I would always worry when he went out and he would say he would text and then he would forget the drunker he got. However I am kind of the same.. say I won’t mix my drinks, won’t have too much but always tend to as I rarely go out and want to let my hair down!!

I got find my phone so both of us at least knows where the other one is. He isn’t worried when I am out and goes to sleep but I don’t when he’s out so I ask him to text, tell him to be sensible.. make sure he eats dinner and then let him suffer the consequences the same he does with me! Find my phone at least reassures me where he is so I know he hasn’t fallen down in a ditch somewhere!

However the puking when out and pissing the bed I think is what you meant is a step too far. He really needs to have a think about the amount he is drinking and not to mix drinks/ make sure he eats dinner. A lot of us let off steam and get too drunk now and then but it sounds a bit too often!

OP,

You need to start protecting yourself.

Your son sitting in his fathers piss, just shocking.

Your children deserve better than this and so do you.

I think he should be packing his bags and leaving.

Tell your families what is going on and the reason you have asked him to leave.

Your children deserve better than this drunken mess.

You are 100% correct, he has zero respect for you, his children and himself.

He needs to leave and see the consequences of his behaviour.

I would be apoplectic at my child sitting in his fathers piss.

Just shocking.

Do not allow him to down play how filthy and disgusting he is.

Reach out for support, and tell him to leave.

He needs to see that this is total deal breaker stuff.