To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

[marshmallowbooks]

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

Quite, @PrinzessinCressida

And do it today OP, as I've just remembered he's scheduled for round 2 of this reunion piss-up tonight, isn't he?

I think I would go for "the DC are getting old enough to pick up on this now. I will not allow my children to live with the fallout of your alcoholism. DC has just sat in his own dad's piss. I am revolted by your behaviour, & refuse to let them grow up in a house where it continues.
Get the sofa cleaned or replace it, book yourself in for therapy, & if you decide to get pissed tonight - don't come home. Because the very next time this happens, I will be divorcing you so the DC don't need to grow up with this in their lives."

Then go out. With or without DC. He needs to deal with his own shit. And piss & vomit. He needs to feel the consequences. There have been no consequences to him so far because he has been enabled.
Stop enabling. Get angry. Protect your kids.

I agree that the word "controlling" is overused on mumsnet.

As an example, I was out with work colleagues for a drink the other night and DP sent me picture texts of our 1 yo DD looking cute before bed saying "goodnight mummy". I smiled and replied. If he'd said "I think DD is poorly" I'd have stepped outside and called him, as I'd have been concerned. This is the sort of relationship we have, where communication about our child is normal, and in no way "manipulative", regardless of where either of us physically is. Because, well, we both care about DD and don't mind responding to texts about her. I just assumed that was normal. But evidently not!

OP, I hope you're ok .
You hate him behaving like this and you need to sit him down and tell him how angry, sad and disgusted you are. It must be especially awful as he's a decent bloke apart from these binges.
I don't think you mind him seeing his friends it's just that he's got no self control on these nights. Jolly and tipsy is fine, pissing all over a new couch is not.
I hope with help he can work out a middle path.

Do you work for AA, @Folklore9074 ?

You should - your advice is genius!
With you installed as the new CEO, alcoholism will be wiped off the face of the UK by 2023.

Thanking you in advance for your service ...

Well done

It will be interesting to see his response when he gets up.

See it wasn't at the crack of dawn with the children though...

Oh yes - and he'll want to do it all over again tonight?

You do know that any promises he makes will be empty ones, yes?

I think the only issue here is the pissing on the sofa which sounds like repeat behaviour. He needs to get better at gauging his limits. Throwing up after alcohol is common, can happen to me after not loads of drinks by any means, sometimes just doesn’t sit well on my stomach. But the pissing is a problem as it’s ruining furniture. I too would be well fucked off by this.

He's up and playing with the kids. DD def has CP and is quite upset about it but he's distracting her at the moment which is giving me space.

I'm about to go for a very long shower. Then I'm going to take the dog out.

We need to have a very frank discussion which he will be anticipating - but it'll have to wait until tonight when the kids are in bed.

Absolutely shocked at the responses that you’ve had on here, OP, and I could only stomach reading the first page because it was making my blood boil.

It speaks volumes about the vile alcoholism culture that we have in this country that people think anyone should put up with this!

It’s damaging your husband’s mind and body, it’s damaging your trust in him and making you anxious, and once your kids cotton on to what is going on, it will be incredibly damaging to them.

People in this country cling on to harmful, vile, alcoholic behaviour like it’s their religion and hate posts like yours because it holds up a mirror to their own behaviour and their own dysfunction.

There’s nothing normal or okay about what your husband is doing, OP, and your feelings and intuition about the harm it is causing and will cause are 100% real and valid.

We live in a sick society where people destroy themselves with alcohol, have it advertised to them constantly as this sexy and cool thing, get a tonne of peer pressure to drink and our government fills their pockets with the proceeds, so we’re all supposed to see it as normal.

I saw a post on here about a wife whose husband in his 40s wanted to take MDMA on a reunion and out came the anti-drug police in their droves. On your post, it’s the complete opposite reaction, because people do the mental gymnastics to not see alcohol as a destructive, highly addictive substance, because their society tells them it isn’t, rather than through any logic. The hypocrisy and break in logic is confounding.

Anyway, with that rant over, you need to explain to him that he has already proven that he drinks compulsively and that you need not see any further evidence of it.

Tell him that it’s making you anxious and is affecting the trust in your marriage. Ask him to ask himself why he drinks compulsively, try to get to the root of this, OP, because addictive behaviours are the symptom of something else.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s bloody stressful and unnerving. I’d suggest that he channels his need to let out the pressure of life in much more healthy ways, like a martial art or some kind of physical hobby, and that he meets his mates in sober environments.

i think its divided into two things really . i can see why you would be stressed worrying about what state hes going to come home in given his past form . he obviously binge drinks to the point of sickness when he goes out and that would stress me worrying about what state he might come home in . in his forties hes a bit old for this shit in my opinion , the last time i threw up in a pub i was in my early twenties and childless , it was actually just outside the pub , i did manage to make it to the door and out to the wall !! not my finest moment .

this to me is your main problem , i feel the texting is irrlevent to it , i wouldnt want to be on a night out and have my partner texting me , it does smack a bit of control , its chickenpox not suspected meningities , its almost like you hoped he would say oh ok put his drink down and come rushing home , or you hope that it will pull him up a bit and control his intake .
he shouldnt have to ask you to keep in touch with him to prove hes not pissed i just think thats ridiculous , hes not a teenager .the fact he is asking you to text him or you feel you should is an issue i reckon , id never need to ask someone i was living with to keep in touch with me on a night out so i could prove i wasnt getting too drunk

For me the reason he goes silly when he’s on a night out is because he’s kept on such a tight leash so he’s goes mad.

Here's another candidate for a high-ranking position working for AA.
Congratulations @Onwards22 - you have singlehandedly found the solution to alcoholism!

Every alkie in the land will breathe a sigh of relief when they hear the glad tidings - they can all now drink sensibly, because a cure has been found!
And their past drinking was never their fault - it was definitely the fault of people who moaned about piss-soaked furniture. Or texted the drunk because the drunk asked them to. Hurrah!

Throwing up from drinking too much should not be down played as "not sitting right on my stomach", it's a clear sign you've drunk far too much.

I'm glad he is helping out today OP, good luck with the chat.

Neither throwing up or pissing yourself is acceptable.

Am I overly optimistic to think that the vast, vast majority of people have never lived with an adult who regularly pisses themselves after a night out?

I always find it absolutely breathtaking on threads like these when someone describes the behaviour of an alcoholic and a bunch of cool girls tip up to say "Chill Out". Gobsmacked that people think routinely drinking until you lose control of your bodily functions is normal or acceptable behaviour. I like a drink and I can drink a lot and I can count on one hand the number of times I've done this in the past 35 years. Its not fucking normal.

I think the OP texting her OH when he's out would in normal circumstances be a bit irritating. But these are not normal circumstances. The back story is that he clearly has a problem with alcohol. The OP is concerned about this and becomes anxious when he goes out because he has form for losing control and not keeping her in the loop.

The big picture, of course, is that he is in denial about his drinking and probably needs to stop altogether. And the bigger question is not what the OP should do when he goes out on binges but whether she wants a life with someone like this long term.

I wouldn't, personally. I left my ex-husband for a number of reasons but heavy drinking was one of them. And my ex never drank to this extent.

OP I think you need to start thinking long and hard about whether you want this to be your life. And if you don't, don't expect him to meet you half way on this. He may not be able to. You need to start making plans to get yourself and your children out of this.

I deserve better than this.

you fail to see that your children deserve better than this

This is good advice & may help your DH manage the problem.

www.menshealth.com/health/a19528026/bedwetting-and-alcohol/

Recommends getting checked out by a urologist too.

Not suggesting he becomes the “victim”here & is medicalised with a “problem”.

More that he takes responsibility for what he’s doing & either quits benders altogether or actively changes the way & what he’s drinking when out.

Whilst making sure there’s no problem with the plumbing.

OP I've read your responses and some of the comments suggesting DH has an issue with alcohol. I'm not really sure that's the case as he seems to have self control when he drinks with you but not with his friends

Well this is all very glass-half-full. Pun intended. Also nonsense.
Of course he has an issue with alcohol. Not because he can control himself when drinking with his wife - but because he cannot when drinking with his friends.

i wouldnt want to be on a night out and have my partner texting me , it does smack a bit of control

See this is utterly bizarre to me. For many couples (DP and I are one of them), texting on a night out is the most normal thing in the world. The person who is out may not reply instantly, which is obviously absolutely fine, but the line of communication would be open and that's perfectly acceptable to us. It might be as mundane as "how's your night?", or a silly meme that one of us found funny and wants to share with the other, or communication about our DD... anything, really. We generally text frequently ish when we aren't together, so the night out part is irrelevant.

Why do people describe normal communication as "control"? Unless it says "I demand that you come home right now because I am in charge of you", can anyone explain how sending a text to communicate about your child, amounts to "control"?

The states he gets into and no stop switch on nights out suggests he has a drink problem. Wrecking your new sofa with piss is absolutely disgusting and should be his wake up call. He should stop drinking completely as he can't control himself.

Wrt your original question on the text, I would not trouble my dh with something like that on a night out and if I received that text on anight out I would reply oh no or something but I'm not glued to my phone on a night out and wouldn't especially need to know that until the next day so would think ok but why are you telling me that now. I'd not be annoyed at the delayed response at all but the state he's got into absolutely.

Typical Mumsnet pile on.

He's a ducking disgrace. Pissing yourself once when drunk is enough, never mind every time. I'd be furious.

He needs to make changes, OP. I know you say this is the only issue but it's a pretty fucking big one!

When have I said my kids don't deserve better than this?

I have literally just shouted at him he has no respect for either me or the kids

Where have you said the DO?

I meant there are people without any experience of living with this who see it as just part of the drinking culture we have in Britain, where pissing yourself or throwing up in the street are just hallmarks of a night out.

I have literally just shouted at him he has no respect for either me or the kids

and what was his response?

sounds like a bloody awful environment for you and your children