To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

[marshmallowbooks]

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

You're right, no respect for you, your kids or your belongings.

Pissing a brand new couch is revolting and pathetic quite frankly.

That he keeps doing is beyond me. It's like a dog spraying his territory. Fucking disgusting.
Tell him not to bother coming home if drunk. Lock him outside.

You do deserve better. Ignore the cool girls and get rid of him. This is no life for you and your children.

I was ready to tell you to chill when I read your OP. Adults are entitled to go out and have fun now and again without checking their phones and having to give updates to their partners. I would expect you to have that carefree time occasionally, too.

However, as a sober recovering alcoholic, I recognise your DH’s behaviour. People who have no off button, cannot drink safely and cause distress to their loved ones when they drink have a problem with alcohol. If they know that every time they go out for a drink they cause carnage, yet still go ahead and do it, they have a problem with alcohol. I think that’s your answer, really.

If I were you, I’d have this conversation with him in a few days time when he’s sobered up properly and issue a few ultimatums. The rest is up to him.

Hi OP going from my own experience I would implore you to have a conversation with your husband once he’s over his hangover and your completely understandable rage has subsided.

This behaviour is not normal, it’s not acceptable, and the resentment and frustration eat away at you. What would your husband say if your child was married to somebody who did what he does, would he think it was okay?

When my husband started looking into alcoholism it was almost like he had an epiphany. He’s very open about having a problem and actually a couple of his friends have said they recognise his issue in themselves. True friends who care about my DH and don’t want to see his marriage fail accept now that it’s not ‘ok to buy doubles because it’s funny to see Davey get wrecked isn’t it’ and if they can’t accept the change, because I think my DH is previous behaviour validated their own, then they’re not true friends.

The passing on the couch is pretty grim. Not texting back when he's out with his friends in a noisy pub or whatever wouldn't bother me

Fucking hell.

YANBU to expect an adult not to piss themselves.

I would be less bothered about the texting thing but drinking to excess, vomiting and pissing, is beyond disgusting even if it was a one off (which it isn’t).

You can’t behave like that as a parent. I’d tell him I’d leave him over it tbh, maybe he’ll get a wake up call

Pissing*

As for the hotel suggestion, we sacked 2 employees for pissing and vomiting after a night out whilst they were working away.
Their last salaries covered the damages.
Pair of twats.

Recently whilst on holiday a young Scottish chap and his DP started drinking at 12 pm by the pool, by 5 pm he was an inebriated foghorn, gobbling off, what an annoying twat.
I'm nearly 1000% sure those condoning his behavior are annoying binge-drikers themselves.

@marshmallowbooks haven't read many replies but it seems people are having a go at you. I think it would be helpful if people realised this is a public forum so a full blown account of what's really happening (previous incidents for example) hasn't been put on this post therefore the real extent of your worries/feelings cannot be seen. It would be helpful if people read between the lines and seen the bigger picture here.
My thoughts is that maybe you subconsciously or maybe even consciously text him about the CP in the hope that he would drink less? Reading between the lines it seems your DH drinking is quite an issue in terms of the states he gets into and you and your children witnessing that. I get it - I was the child witnessing that every few weeks/months and it is awful and leaves bad memories. The thing is you know deep down it won't change so you are probably looking for ways to minimise how much he drinks when he is out. Maybe you feel that by staying in touch its a reminder to him that he does have a wife and children at home that don't want to, nor should be, witnessing the unattractive, slight scary (for his kids) effects of his over doing it on the drink. This is more than someone just coming home drunk. The is someone coming home peeing, shitting, vomiting around his wife and kids. Probably stumbling, falling, slurring - basically an absolute state (and that's not mention anything else he is doing when in a state). It's scary for his kids and it's horrible for you. You need to have quite firm words and tell him how this makes you and your kids (if they are witnessing it) feel. This is more than 'just chill'. He isn't out getting abit drunk, coming home in charge of himself. He is coming home in a complete state each and every time which I imagine is causing you anxiety (which will also develop in the kids if this keeps on) . Hope you are ok today after what has probably inevitable went on last night (again)

Ugh. Reading the start of the thread I was in the 'chill out, it's just a night out' camp and stop being obsessive about him texting when he's on a night out, then I got to the bit about the wet sofa. I would be beyond furious too, OP. If he can't hold his drink to the extent he wets himself he's got a problem.

Reckon he's way over the top! I feel for you.
You'd probably rather he went out more often but had a dialed down calmer time e.g. - a few pints, able to control himself and not wreck your couch. Very stressful for you and reckless and unreasonable of him.
I'd have a serious talk with him. All the best...xx

He has an alcohol problem.

I think a lot of people believe you can only be an alcoholic if you’re totally destitute and pouring vodka on your cornflakes of a morning but it’s nonsense. Alcohol is affecting his relationship with his family and it’s still not enough to make him stop. That should be (and probably is) enough for a massive warning bell to go off in his head. You can’t stop this. You can only minimise the damage it does to your kids.

I also think that there are some lucky people on mumsnet who have never lived with someone who regularly pisses themselves after a night out and so it’s seen as a kind of jolly ‘ah well! What japes!’ kind of story, the reality of it is totally different.

Well finally.

he has zero respect for you and I hope you can find a good solution to it all.

Pissing on the sofa. A grown man. It’s vile.

Do you ever go out with your friends OP?
Do you ever read what OP has actually written, before deciding to have a pop at her based on your inaccurate assumptions?

Once more for those at the back -
He specifically told me to keep in touch this evening to 'prove' he wasn't going to be going mental. He wanted to prove to me after the last couple times that he's learned some kind of self control.

Alcoholics don't drink too much because their wife texts them - as requested. They drink too much because they are - surprise! -alcoholics.
Your nasty snipe about OP 'allowing him freedom' (she does) or 'suffocating him' (she doesn't) are a fucking embarrassment. You sound like a handmaiden.

Well done

Precisely.

DH and I text a lot. If I’m out I generally don’t look at my phone. A text or two arriving is of course fine but I wouldn’t check or necessarily respond unless it was urgent.

However the pissing and vomiting is outrageous and there is no way that would be a regular part of my life.

PS
@marshmallowbooks hope you're ok. 💐 xx
@Greyarea12 - spot on...xx

Ugh I don’t know how you can tolerate this. I couldn’t. His behaviour is abhorrent and he chooses to keep at it.

Your call. You either continue to put up with it or you leave/kick him out.

Clearly he has no intention of changing, why would he? It’s all working very nicely for him.

And no, he doesn’t have a drinking problem. He sounds very satisfied with his drinking habits. It is you wjo
has the problem (with his drinking) and you who can change this.

You cannot change him and you would be foolish to
imagine you can.

The lack of contact I could live with, the rest, absolutely not. Hope your DD recovers quickly.

I wouldn't take my DH pissing everywhere he has the occasional night out and can get into a state but it's rare and he's never pissed himself because he's so drunk!

Sorry you can't escape I think the repeat nature of the binge drinking shows he has a problem he's not a student learning to control it.

Honestly not read full thread. Read your OP. If it’s not often and you know it’s messy then just tell him to get a hotel or stay at a friends. Chicken pox notification can wait!

Call a professional upholstery cleaner, get them out as soon as you can before it dries
Tell him next time he goes out drinking he stays at a hotel.
When he goes out, lock the door and don't worry about him

Only on mumsnet is sending a text ‘controlling and manipulative’. I can’t believe some of the ridiculous comments you’ve had on here OP.

One trillion per cent, this! I couldn't believe what I was reading tbh. It's "manipulative" to send a text saying "ahh I know what could be wrong with our DD, I think it's chicken pox"?! Fuck me.... I mean, I call that continuing communication with the other parent. This would be the most normal thing in the world for DP and I - no matter which one of us was on the night out!

The rest of his behaviour .... utterly grim. You're right, OP, he has no respect - well done for pointing that out to him! I certainly wouldn't be putting up with this sort of thing and I can see why you are stressed when he goes on a night out. Unacceptable.

I would have killed him.

How mortifying.

So he can't even control himself when you're there?

If my DH ever did that he'd be so embarrassed himself he'd never touch another drop

I can’t believe people are fixating on you texting him when he PISSES HIMSELF and pukes everywhere when he goes out? If anyone here thinks that’s acceptable or not a big deal, seriously, raise your standards. The vast majority of people manage to go out and drink and have a nice time without this happening - the only time I’ve ever seen anyone in this state was at uni, and even then only once!

it would have been game over for me in the relationship the first time it happened, there’s no way I’d continue being with someone who had no self control and ended up in such a disgusting state. You’re absolutely right to be pissed off OP, he might not be an alcoholic in the classic sense but this is absolutely problem drinking.