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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

762 replies

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:36

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/05/2022 09:17

OP,

He has a major drink problem.

He vomits and wets himself and has now destroyed a new sofa.

Only on MN where standards are really, really low, would you be held responsible for this.

It must be chipping away at your respect for him.

I really couldn't have my children growing up around that.

I certainly would be telling him to not to return home when he goes out.

He needs to stay elsewhere.
I would not have anyone coming back to my home in that condition regularly.

7eleven · 07/05/2022 09:18

OP - 30 years ago my OH was a bit like this. One night he came home and wet the bed. I took our three young children to my sister's and we stayed for a week. It shocked him and he never did it again.

If you’re more than once getting so drunk you lose control of your bodily functions, you’ve got a problem, I think.

Stand up for your child. Sitting in his dad’s piss is absolutely disgusting.

if he insisted on going out again tonight, I wouldn’t be there when he got back.

Herejustforthisone · 07/05/2022 09:19

@MNHQ please stop the pages refreshing randomly, three fecking times I’ve lost a post. Christ.

Some posters have been real twats to you @marshmallowbooks. Let’s assume it’s because they were stuck home on a Friday night, angrily Mumsnetting. Or because they were drinking at home on a Friday night, pretending life has not changed, angrily Mumsnetting.

I get it, though. I had one of these. You feel anxious when he goes out because his relentless may shitty behaviour has conditioned you to feel that way. Each time he makes empty promises that he won’t get into the same state, each time you hope it will be the time he manages it and each time he fails. And you’re left cleaning up piss, vomit and shit.

It’s not about controlling him. You want him to be able to have fun and go out and to not have to worry about him. But he behaves like a 19 year old student getting mangled on snakey-B every single time and when you have small children, that shit does not fly.

Also ignore the bollocks about texting. Sending two texts, one of which was to say your kid is sick, is fine. Couples who pride themselves on never texting each other and on their almost exclusively independent lives (which I’ve only ever seen brayed about on MN), that’s not normal.

Evilcountspatula · 07/05/2022 09:19

OP the original premise of your thread was misleading and you’ve had a mixed bag of responses with people focusing on you texting your DH on a night out. The issue is in fact that he cannot control himself when drinking. It is absolutely not normal to piss on the sofa after a night out and the fact that this or worse happens every time is horrendous. This is the behaviour of someone with serious alcohol issues and no amount of agreeing to moderate/ check in on a night out will make things better. Sadly for his and his family’s sake I think he needs to not drink at all, ever.

Onwards22 · 07/05/2022 09:21

From now on he needs to just get a hotel when he’s going out.

He’ll soon start pacing his drinking if he knows someone other than you is going to clean up after him.

KnitPurlKnitPurl · 07/05/2022 09:22

Oh @marshmallowbooks you have had such a hard time on here and painted as this controlling harridan when that's not deserved at all.

I've known people like your DH who are all promises before going out and once they have a couple of drinks that all goes out of the window and they roll in absolutely hammered, 6 hours later than they said they would. It's infuriating.

But your DH has taken this to a whole other level with the state of his drunkenness. He may not be an alcoholic but he IS a problem drinker - he causes you huge problems when he drinks if nothing else. Wait until he's sobered up and the hangover has worn off and you need to have a serious talk about this - if he really can't control himself when he is out with friends like this then either he stops drinking altogether in these situations, doesn't go out, stays somewhere else, or you have to decide whether the relationship can continue.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 07/05/2022 09:24

Does anyone really think a tight leash is two texts and a request not to piss yourself? OP will be on edge after repeated shit behaviour from him when he goes out. Any perceived tight leash will be a consequence of his previous actions.

OP, I’d stop trying to justify your feelings to anyone. You know this isn’t how you want to live and, whilst I don’t think it’s at LTB stage, you’re going to find him less and less attractive the more he does this.

Marvellousmadness · 07/05/2022 09:25

Chill!
The man hardly ever goes out
and then when he does, youwant him ti be in contact

No way.
Just no way

However. Considering he comes home in piss and vomit sometimes,i would make it clear tho hin that if he is gross again hell sleep outside/shed/anywhere else

Crunchymum · 07/05/2022 09:25

Do you pissed on your new sofa?

Horrid. I'd be apocalyptic.

My friend has a DP who is similar and she often contacts him whilst he is out with "important info about the kids" and his response will tell her how pissed / wrecked he is. So if he replies at 11pm and is semi coherent she thinks he may not be too bad, no reply and and she knows he'll be vomiting all over the bathroom. As it doesn't happen often my friend puts up with it. I think she is a mug. I have never, ever in 15 years had to deal with a partner in such a state (and vice versa)

I think your messages last night were for a similar reason @marshmallowbooks you had legitimate reason to contact him but it also allowed you to gauge how messed up he was.

Good luck for tonight Shock

BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/05/2022 09:26

Why did you need to message him on a rare night out about chichen pox. I’d be pissed off if DH did that!

Discovereads · 07/05/2022 09:26

It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.
I hardly ever hear the ding of a text when I am out and I’m just taking a walk in the countryside not in a noisy pub with chatter and music. I don’t think you can assume he is seeing your texts as they come in.

However, the binge drinking would really bother me. It is a type of alcoholism. I think your DH needs to get help or start AA. He may need to make his nights out alcohol free.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 07/05/2022 09:27

Herejustforthisone · 07/05/2022 09:19

@MNHQ please stop the pages refreshing randomly, three fecking times I’ve lost a post. Christ.

Some posters have been real twats to you @marshmallowbooks. Let’s assume it’s because they were stuck home on a Friday night, angrily Mumsnetting. Or because they were drinking at home on a Friday night, pretending life has not changed, angrily Mumsnetting.

I get it, though. I had one of these. You feel anxious when he goes out because his relentless may shitty behaviour has conditioned you to feel that way. Each time he makes empty promises that he won’t get into the same state, each time you hope it will be the time he manages it and each time he fails. And you’re left cleaning up piss, vomit and shit.

It’s not about controlling him. You want him to be able to have fun and go out and to not have to worry about him. But he behaves like a 19 year old student getting mangled on snakey-B every single time and when you have small children, that shit does not fly.

Also ignore the bollocks about texting. Sending two texts, one of which was to say your kid is sick, is fine. Couples who pride themselves on never texting each other and on their almost exclusively independent lives (which I’ve only ever seen brayed about on MN), that’s not normal.

This.

LoveSpringDaffs · 07/05/2022 09:29

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:54

@HikingforScenery I'll never understand how people can say things like 'you sound annoying' to people they don't know. Form reading one thread. Would you say that to a someone in person after one conversation?

You've been barraged by the 'cool wives' club. Ignore.

i Honestly don't know what I'd do about a partner that was great except when he goes out drinking, BUT now he's come home (after completely going against everything he said - keeping in touch, coming home after the pub shut, not getting in a state) and pissed on the (brand new) sofa. I would EXPECT him to be suitably mortified and make changes himself.

Try letting him take the lead and see what happens.

I'd call an upholstery cleaner & book them for today IF possible. Explain its urine as they'll use different chemicals. Don't be embarrassed, they've seen it & cleaned it all!!

let us know how you get on & I hope the CP isn't too bad!!

Lalliella · 07/05/2022 09:34

I’d be really pissed off if my DH kept texting when I’m out with my mates. It would seem a bit controlling. Chill.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/05/2022 09:35

Sorry just seen the piss on the sofa … I’d be raging about that!!

surely he won’t want to go out again tonight!!

RaleighDurham · 07/05/2022 09:35

Wow, this thread!! You've suffered a horrible pile-on and this is why I rarely post on MN these days. Some saddos find it amusing to kick someone down on a Friday night.
YANBU AT ALL to have been pissed off about this. You saw it coming, were anxious about it and now you have a brand-new sofa potentially ruined.

OatmilkandCookies · 07/05/2022 09:36

I can't believe some of the responses you have got on here!!
NONE of these seemingly cool wives would be at all OK with their DH going out and boking and pissing all over the place. Why would anyone?! It's disgusting.
Well done for asserting yourself and leaving him to dry out (pun not intended).
My DH doesn't get drunk all that much, but I can guarantee you if he came in and pissed everywhere just once, a serious conversation would be had. As he would have with me.
And all over the new sofa too!

Heyisforhorses · 07/05/2022 09:38

@marshmallowbooks some of the responses have been ridiculous. You sent a text to say it was CP at the start of night as it had been a discussion. I think you've done nothing wrong and I get where you are coming from. If my DP goes out I worry about him getting home safely. Him coming in and losing body function control would be a massive turn off for me.

I know it's not often your DP does it, once you can kind of write off, any more than that I would have to give an ultimatum about his nights out. I wouldn't put my child at risk of a. seeing that or b. Someone so out of control he puts something on the grill to eat and falls asleep putting everyone in danger. And puking on a pub floor I would never go to that pub with him cos of association.

YANBU imo

Lalliella · 07/05/2022 09:38

Oops sorry didn’t rtft. Pissing on sofa not good obvs.

IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 07/05/2022 09:38

Let’s reverse a few posts. Hey I’m a mum of two who likes to go out, not often, maybe 2/3 times a year but when I do I get completely insensible, cannot be contacted even if the kids are sick and when I come home I often vomit or urinate on the furniture. Should I just get a hotel next time?

I mean come on

RandomUser10093 · 07/05/2022 09:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

HailAdrian · 07/05/2022 09:39

OP, I am a 'problem drinker' (tend to avoid alcohol for this reason) and the shitty behaviour has all been on his side, not yours in the slightest. Mumsnet can be really fucking weird, I think some people are deliberately bellends.

HailAdrian · 07/05/2022 09:41

Also, if he has ANY sense, he will forget about going out tonight. It won't do his mental or physical health any good!

IlCommissarioMontalbano · 07/05/2022 09:42

Chill, please stop trying to get in touch with him, he's on a night out, not gone to the other side of the world!

RandomUser10093 · 07/05/2022 09:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

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