DS's classmate called me fat

[Feelingblahhing]

Just that!
8 year old boys in the afterschool club and my son tells me on the way home that his classmate came up to him and said "your mum is fat"!!
This boy's mum would be mortified if she knew but he'd obviously lie so there's no point in telling her.

However, it's really made me feel sad! I know it shouldn't but it has. Stupid isn't it?

Oh well, I shan't be taking that boy to the park again!

Blimey, don't hold back 😳

"Are you fat?
Was he just stating a fact?

Maybe this could be time to look at your lifestyle."

This is what the kids saying mean things and are told 'oh she's just a kid, she's just telling the truth' grow up like.

I think it depends on how the comment makes someone feel.

If it's going to hurt or upset them it's unnecessary.

And you might not think they should feel ashamed or embarrassed but THEY still might.

If you've nothing nice to say then don't say anything

I find it bizarre that the OP assumes (and has said repeatedly), that the child would ‘obviously lie about it’. Why would you think that he wouldn’t tell the truth to his mother? Especially if he didn’t realise why it wasn’t akind thing to say.

As they are for adults, and I see less outrage over the poster who said he was a “nasty little shit” than over this kids one comment saying his friends mum was fat. When that posters behavuour was far worse and abusive. To a child too.

so I think this outrage is not about the fact he was rude or whatever, it’s he stated the unforgivable. He commented she was fat. He said it out loud. Nothing more. Nothing less. An eight year old said to his friend that his mum was fat. Which she is. And sone people are so incensed by it they want him punished, banished, grown adults hurling abuse at him, a child.

all because a little boy said to his friend, your mum is fat.

Although the comment was about OP, it was addressed to her DS and was said to be hurtful to him. Therefore it needs treating in the same way as if a child had made any other comment to DS.

He is correct in having told his teacher and told you. There is another child being unpleasant to him but OP and most other posters have missed this point.

Now OP needs to follow this in the same way as if it was any other insult directed at DS, ie if it has been dealt with in school and he is not unhappy, then leave it.

However, if this is either an escalation of other comments made by this child to DS or part of a wider “Your mum…” style of interaction between the children, OP needs to mention it to ASC leader, if it happened in After-School Club, or class teacher if it happened in school. Don't contact the parent - as OP says, it will become a case of two stories from the two children of what happened, with each parent believing their own child, plus there are plenty of examples on this thread of things the parent may say back to OP.

The key thing is this not about OP’s feelings but how the other child is treating her DS and that is the approach to take with school.

This. It’s not fair that this child is being demonised. Unless he said it in an obviously malicious way, he was being descriptive. Yes he does need to learn that it’s not socially acceptable to point it out. But if my sons friend said that about me, my energies would be more invested in addressing the fact that I need to weight.

"As they are for adults, and I see less outrage over the poster who said he was a “nasty little shit” than over this kids one comment saying his friends mum was fat. When that posters behavuour was far worse and abusive. To a child too."

I'm not outraged by that because he is completely anonymised and the poster did not say it directly to him or anyone who knows him. If she said it to him or his mum, I'd be outraged I suppose.

"This. It’s not fair that this child is being demonised. Unless he said it in an obviously malicious way, he was being descriptive. Yes he does need to learn that it’s not socially acceptable to point it out."

He should have learnt it long before now if he's NT. I teach this age and they know this is a hurtful comment.

It seems so. Like calling children 'shit'.

so in your view it’s ok for an adult to abuse a child as long as the child doesn’t know? As adults we should just accept that in your view and be ok with it? Or you are?

you added in “I suppose” . This gives an element of doubt.

which backs up my point. This outrage is because it’s the unforgivable sin of actually saying out loud that a fat person is fat. He spoke the unspeakable.

a child said to his friend, your mum is fat. When factually she is. That’s it. That’s all that happened here. He didn’t even say it to her.

it’s such a sensitive subject for some people. That actually commenting a fat person is fat is seen as a heinous act worthy of abuse and punishment.

"it’s such a sensitive subject for some people. That actually commenting a fat person is fat is seen as a heinous act worthy of abuse and punishment."

I haven't called it a 'heinous sin' just very rude and unkind.

And I certainly haven't said that the response should be 'abuse' either. Punishment? I think they should be comprehensively left in no doubt that it is rude, unkind and unnecessary to point out the flaws - or perceived flaws - in other people.

"so in your view it’s ok for an adult to abuse a child as long as the child doesn’t know?"

Abuse seems rather a strong word considering that the entire thread is completely anonymised. Does the little boy or anyone who knows him in any way know that a random Internet stranger called them 'a little shot'? It's hard to see a victim or anyone who has been hurt by those words, although they wouldn't be my choice.

report the kid to the school too

Seriously? Kids are kids. They say things like this all the time.

And sorry, but size 16/18 is fat, it doesn't matter how 'healthy' you think your diet is. You're overweight which will have health implications. I'm a size 12/14 and consider myself in need of losing about a stone.

@Feelingblahhing

Are you fat? That's always a good starting position, checking the facts at hand.

Kids that age often don't understand the inner experience of another person nor nuance, so its hard to criticise him for stating what he (I assume?) sees. In fact it isn't until a fair bit later that mentalisation is formed (the ability to make sense of the inner experience of others and to inhibit the impulse to say what you think).

Regardless of how "healthy" someone is doesn't change the fact that if they look fat then they are, indeed, fat. I am curious whether or not the comment hurts because it feels like there is some validity in the comment? If you love your appearance I am unsure whether it would impact you so much. Remembering emotions are trying to tell us something. If its shame it may be to correct something in your life. If its anger, its likely because you feel it was not correct.

Its hard to say as we don't know you. Remember, kids say the stupidest stuff.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I agree.
I always wonder whether people who claim to eat healthier than most 1) actually do 2) know that portion size outweighs what you actually eat.

If I were a size 16-18 (whatever the male equivalent would be) I'd personally be asking myself why other people think I'm fat AND doing something about it. I put on a few stone in recent years and I have worked to get rid of it. Why? Because I am not self-deluded.

"Seriously? Kids are kids. They say things like this all the time."

I teach them. They don't. If yours does, maybe they've inherited - or learnt - your appalling attitude whereby it is ok to insult someone as long as it's true.

"If I were a size 16-18 (whatever the male equivalent would be) I'd personally be asking myself why other people think I'm fat AND doing something about it. I put on a few stone in recent years and I have worked to get rid of it. Why? Because I am not self-deluded. "

OP has said she knows she's fat and is tackling it. It doesn't make it ok for a rude kid to upset her son by pointing it out.

"Kids that age often don't understand the inner experience of another person nor nuance, so its hard to criticise him for stating what he (I assume?) sees. In fact it isn't until a fair bit later that mentalisation is formed (the ability to make sense of the inner experience of others and to inhibit the impulse to say what you think). "

No, that happens at a younger age. Kids know, by this age, that it rude to call someone fat, or spotty, or ugly, or thick, or anything else.

It doesn't matter if OP carries extra weight, it's rude to comment on someone's appearance and an 8 y.o should have that awareness.

I'd teach DS some cheeky replies, there is more of you to love.

My only defence would be if the boy meant "Yo Momma is so ...insert whatever mean thing.." from the meme.

I'd tell his DM if she is a nice person she'll ensure it doesn't happen again.

8 year olds should know what is and isn't appropriate to say to others. By 8y a child knows this is an unkind thing to say, and definitely that it isn't something you say behind the person's back to someone close to that person. Schools do a lot of work about this kind of thing and by year 3 they'll have had at least 3 years of schools teaching them this, in til of what parents will have done.

The child is not a 2/3 year old toddler.

thats just not true, if I said I believe from our interactions that you are below average on cognitive ability if we put everyone on a bell curve of ability. Stupid is just another way of saying that. Unkind of course but whats the difference if I volunteered that to telling someone they were fat or ugly. It’s a scale isn’t it from extremely thin to morbidly obese. So from extremely cognitively impaired to extremely cognitively able.

8yr olds know, they know they are insulting people. It’s concerning how many people excuse these unkindnesses, I assume then you don’t correct your own children if they are intentionally cruel to other people?

This is one of my biggest fears. Once I've had this baby I will be doing everything I can to lose what I've put on since having kids.

Wow!!

Yes, round of applause to those that have pointed out that my size is fat!! I know that but thanks for spelling it out for me!

FAT! got it cheers!

And as for the extra digs re my "healthy diet and portion sizes"
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My goodness! Only on here!

I'm more upset this 8yo has used it to upset my son with.

The poster that was upset that I'm assuming the boy would lie when questioned, well, I know him, you don't, I've seen his behaviour, you haven't.

Anyway, thank you to the helpful comments.

I'm off to sit on the naughty step for being fat and not realising it when my clothes size clearly spells it out for me. Whilst there, I'll be meal planning massive salads for once a day, obviously not being able to eat another thing until the day after!

🤣🤣🤣

If you had read my comments you would see that we have very open and honest conversations about about being kind and the reasons why

Once again, I suggest you read both break the mould and have you filled your bucket today.

We talk a lot about why people say nasty things, it is usually because they are hurting.

Being kind to the that person helping them will help fill their bucket. Not running around screaming and shouting he said something rude to me.

We try to understand the reasons for them being rude - are they rude or are they curious?

We teach empathy and understanding in house.

We also teach resilience. OK he said something nasty to me but I know myself worth and it doesn't rely on what some randomer says about me.

So many people upset what an 8 year old said is point and case

A lot of people here need to work on their self esteem and body image

Some thoughts.

Why did the boy call you fat? Was he stating a fact or was he trying to upset your son? (Intention is important.)

Why is your son upset? Is he upset because you're upset? Because his friend isn't as nice as he thought? Or because he's embarrassed?

I mean, you know you're overweight. But even if you weren't, some children aren't very good at understanding the difference between children and adults - if you're bigger than one of them, which you would be even if thin - you're automatically fat and old and tall. They don't quite see the world in the way we do.

Some children take a while to develop a filter. Some, if they are neurodiverse, never do. So they don't mean it as an insult (even though it hurts).

Have you asked your son why he's still upset? I think I'd explain that what the other boy said was mean, but you're not sad anymore, and instead you're just glad he told you, and that he's a much kinder boy who you're proud to have as your son. And give him a massive hug. It sounds like you have a sensitive soul for a little boy there, and that he loves you a lot, so I'd try to focus on the positive parts of this whole story.

Although.... to be honest... I'd have been upset too. Even if you know an 8-year-old's opinion on your weight is meaningless, it bloody hurts when someone points out the harsh truth!