To tell you to read this if you're considering a 3rd child

[unhappychaos]

NC for obvious reasons.

I have 3 kids really close in age. DC3 wasn't planned, we had twins on our second go.

I hate having 3. It's constant chaos. I'm always needed, they constantly compete for my attention. They all want to sit next to me for meals, that's not possible. Bedtime stories, same thing. The scrambling and turn-taking does my head in - we can never relax. DH is around and does lots with them but that's not the point. I want to be able to make my children happy without help, to listen to them properly and not always have to ask one of them to wait or to go to Daddy.

It dawned on me this morning because 2 of them came into my bed at 6.30 and fell back asleep either side of me. It was bliss and everything I've always wanted from family life. Then of course DC3 woke up and came in and couldn't find a spot and it all went wrong.

This is both a ramble and a cautionary tale - if you're considering having a third, make sure you've thought of all the above.

I'm probably doing something wrong with them as plenty of people have 3 or more kids and seem happy, but equally I can't be the only one feeling like this. It's been years and nothing has improved.

Thanks for reading.

Just wait to have a third! Don't do it in a year's time. How about that? You have your twins, don't get pregnant immediately. It sounds unkind of me, I know. But I'll tell you what. I am right.

God I feel for your kids. I have 3 21 months apart 1 and 2 and 21 months apart 2 and 3 and it is fab. They all get on and I wouldn't change anything about them. I think the issue is you had twins not that you have 3 children. Some of the comments on here are horrible - you don't deserve your children tbh!

Oh but you're right in the thick of it! In just a couple of years they'll all entertain each other and you'll be able to sit and watch them all lovinglywhile you drink a cup of tea/glass of wine/pint of gin uninterrupted!

Honestly

OP couldn't help having twins!

Well I have three but big gap between the first and the next two. I can tell you that the younger two compete/fight/argue endlessly. We have a super king bed and in your grass is greener scenario of just having two in it, I can tell you that the reality is they will have plenty of space and a parent each and still kick each other and cause world war 3 long before the time they refuse to wake up during the week, so lie ins are impossible. They fight over who sits in which chair, who presses the road crossing button, who watches what on TV, who sits in which place on the sofa, even if I give them a chore they will fight over who does it. They talk over each other and get physical. Having only two close in age isn't necessarily easier, I think it depends more on personality. Mine actually adore each other as much as they hate each other, but every hug turns into a strangulation and every game descends into a fist fight. If we try and split up and take one each for a day out they miss each other.

Oh yes, because this isn't horrible at all is it?

Mine are all grown up now but I didn't find having 3 was any harder than having 2. That may have been because the middle one was really energetic and never stopped.

I probably used DC3 incorrectly in my OP but that's not who came into bed last this morning. I just meant it as the third/remaining child. It was actually twin 1 who woke up last, so strictly speaking I guess they're DC2. But I thought that sounded confusing.

I don't blame any of them. They're lovely children.

I don't deserve my children? For coming here saying it's hard and I can't give them the attention they need? 😳

My older 3 are close in age. I had 3 under 5 at one point. I was in my 20s so i did have loads of energy ...

Back then we were squeezed into a small cottage with dogs, cats and guinea pigs as well!

I have to say i loved it. Genuinely. They were/are good kids, which helps, but i never felt the awkwardness that OP speaks about wrt enough hands/enough time ect.

They found their own little routines rules which made things fair. ''You did this first/sat here last time so it's our sister's turn now and mine next time'' ect. If they struggled i would intervene. There were never any physical fights or really bad rows. They are in their 20s now, and still close, and i love hearing them reminisce about their young years.

Just for balance for anyone expecting no.3 :)

It is hard @unhappychaos - I had twins and then a third so it was a conscious decision for us - but for my friend who had the one then twins it was much harder!

Yours are so little, it will get easier. Mine are 13, 13 and 10, all boys, they have their normal sibling squabbles etc but they’re so affectionate with me - I’m still smothered with hugs and the 10 year old in particular will sit as close to me as be possibly can! I still get in their beds and we read together as well.

Right now they’re still little enough to almost feel like they’re a part of you still. But it will get better.

But she had twins AFTER her first - what was she supposed to do about that?

Thanks for the kind words.

The eldest gets more 1-2-1 for various reasons, we probably need to try harder.

I felt you OP, with your description of the third one arriving in the bedroom and having nowhere to lie down.. 😩

I remember going to watch an outdoor show once where you sat on hay bales to watch. But that caused a fuss about who sat next to me.. so I ended up sitting on the floor (luckily in the front row) with one under each arm and one sitting between my legs and leaning against me. Not the most comfortable way to watch a whole play!

There was also a phase where I banned “movie night” because of the squabbling about seating. Then only agreed to re-instate it if they all stayed in their own chairs, and no-one sat on my knee at any point, to avoid the drama 😄

Things aren’t quite as bad today. They do still have a rota system for the car though, about which one of them gets to sit in the front door each time. If I fail to enforce it or get mixed up about whose turn it is and let “the wrong one” jump in then all hell breaks loose.. 🙈(but, at least they can do up their own seatbelts!)

Do you have a twins club near you ? (I know a lot of things stopped due to COVID). I’m not a group person really but that was my lifeline at points, others who really understood.

I have three and don’t recognise what you’re describing at all. Maybe it’s your crazy age gap with twins? My three bicker sometimes but also play beautifully and are as lovely little gang. No competition over mummy at all. We make an effort to give everyone a bit of one to one with each parent when we can. Might that help?

Also, I really hate the two hands so only two kids things. My kids are secure and loved. I don’t need to physically hold them all for them to know that.

A bit barbed!

I have 3. They are in yr1, yr2 and yr5. I agree. If I had the knowledge I do now I wouldnt choose 3. Very tricky to meet each child's needs as well as your own.

I've got 3yo DD and 3 week old DTs. I always secretly wanted three and now obviously have them, but I worry DD will feel left out because the DTs will naturally have each other. I'm one of four and despite an overall gap of ten years, I'm closest to the eldest sibling whilst being the youngest.
I'd sneak a fourth if we could afford it but we don't have a big enough house 😁

See, this is exactly my issue. That for things to run smoothly, I have to say no one can sit next to me or on me. How sad is that 🙁

We used to go to twin club but I work now and they're at preschool.

I am #3.
Not a mistake, but definitely a regret.
Which was lovely to know, growing up 🤷🏻‍♀️
I didn’t even want to hold her hand. But the odd kind word with have been nice.

This may be a twins thing rather than 3 kids thing. I say this as a mother of 4, twins came first.

Although you’re totally right about being constantly needed and there being a ton of bickering!

@Testina that’s incredibly sad.

I have three - no twins - but age gap between eldest and youngest is three and a half years but worked well for us and on the whole I love it.

It was busy when they were young - though TBH the many moves for work - (between pfb and her starting nusury there were four houses in three locations ) they were the hard bits - new jobs and me studying as well - I do look back and think how the fuck did we do it.

Our gaps worked well - they tend to get on and older two like being older siblings and hand holding and fetching/carrying - that was a help as all were bf - so fair bit of sitting down doing that.

It may well be we lucked out with personalities - even now as teens they will pitch in and they generally get on. Primary school years as they all needed extra home support was hard - but routines helped.

They get older and it all gets easier - I do wonder if it's the twins making it so hard for you but then I always wanted lots of children so perhaps I was more willing and eagar to accept all the demands as it really was what we signed up for.

The point is both op and I had twins as our second. We didn't rush our third, we got. Bonus Ball baby. Saying "don't have them close together" to a multiples Mom is a bit bloody silly.