To tell you to read this if you're considering a 3rd child

[unhappychaos]

NC for obvious reasons.

I have 3 kids really close in age. DC3 wasn't planned, we had twins on our second go.

I hate having 3. It's constant chaos. I'm always needed, they constantly compete for my attention. They all want to sit next to me for meals, that's not possible. Bedtime stories, same thing. The scrambling and turn-taking does my head in - we can never relax. DH is around and does lots with them but that's not the point. I want to be able to make my children happy without help, to listen to them properly and not always have to ask one of them to wait or to go to Daddy.

It dawned on me this morning because 2 of them came into my bed at 6.30 and fell back asleep either side of me. It was bliss and everything I've always wanted from family life. Then of course DC3 woke up and came in and couldn't find a spot and it all went wrong.

This is both a ramble and a cautionary tale - if you're considering having a third, make sure you've thought of all the above.

I'm probably doing something wrong with them as plenty of people have 3 or more kids and seem happy, but equally I can't be the only one feeling like this. It's been years and nothing has improved.

Thanks for reading.

Teach your kids to take turns and compromise. No kid can always have their own way and it is good from them to learn that.
Someone else missing the point
Op is posting about HER feelings not her kids. She's entitled to feelings.

Having three isn't the same as having one plus a set of twins. It just isn't. Twins is 3 times harder than a singleton.

Plus she's allowed to talk about her own life, if you're having doubts about your 3rd pregnancy that's not her fault.

@Waxonwaxoff0 OP had 1 child and her second pregnancy was twins so your irresponsible argument is completely invalid in her case.

So ... because a subject is difficult, people struggling with it need to STFU, not communicate with others, & push the both their feelings and the important subject underground ...?

Shall we impose a blanket ban on uncomfortable topics, just to suit you, @tomatoandherbs ?
No more nasty posts about rape, divorce, or Ye Dogs And Little Fishes, the menopause (see smug OP thread from yesterday ...) ?

Or to you think it might be just a little simpler to read the fucking thread title, & not open it if it's gonna upset you?

You sound knackered and fed up, OP. Sending love and 💐

Mine are 14, 11 & 6.

Rarely, if ever, are they all happy at the same time. They often argue. On holidays and days out it’s hard to please everyone. We can’t go on bike rides because the youngest is too little (yes, I know half the MN children could cycle the Tour de France at age 6!) whereas if we got to a soft play, or to the beach, or a walk, then the eldest one complains. Trying to find a movie that pleases everyone is impossible too.

My DH works away from home, so often it’s just me at home with them and then it’s even harder!

Cars, holidays, family passes… everything is geared towards families of 4.

@unhappychaos I feel you. I have a 17month gap between my 3yo and my 2yo (she’s 2 today!) and 19months between my 2yo and 4month old. My 4month old was unplanned.

im 43 now (44 next month) and I’m knackered. Every day goes 0-100 at any time between 5-630am, my 3yo wants me all the time, my 2yo sees this also demands me all the time, and obviously my 4month old actually does need me all the time. Everyone wants/needs their turn (including my husband!) and my 3yo is going through a particularly sensitive stage so lots of tears and tantrums which is hard to navigate.

I wouldn’t change it, but I would like a little more sleep and maybe not to be touched all the time!!

you got this. You’re in the coal face at the moment, but change is on the horizon when the twins go to school. Sending solidarity.

I think however many you have it's always one more than you can comfortably handle 😂 I have 2 dc and when one is out it's bliss. I have a friend with one who are constantly stressed and a friend with 3 who says days she only has 2 are like a holiday!

Just leave bigger age gaps. I love having 3. Our third has completed our family. There's 5 years between the first 2 and 7 between the second and third and I bloody love it.

It’s not having 3, it’s having twins. I had 2 DC with a gap of a few years. Had one more and it was fine. Decided to have another - with a smaller age gap of about 18 months - and I have no doubt that would have been good too.

However, baby number 3 turned out to be twins.

it was exhausting and still is 10 years on. Three very close in age, always fighting about who will sit beside me or on my knee… absolutely constant feeling that I am not giving enough snd they are keeping score regarding my attention.

people used to say to me “Oh, I’d love twins!! So much easier to have two in one pregnancy, lucky you” and I just wanted to tell them to fuck off. Or my favourite “I know what it’s like, I have two a year apart, just the same stress!”

“No, you don’t know what it’s like” . Two at the same developmental stage, not the same.

I secretly think that unplanned twins are something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and I am very surprised that anyone chooses to have another if they have twins first.

(I only have 4, just realised that my post doesn’t make sense! I meant that having one more, a few years after the first, had been fine)

I had three under the age of five, whilst I found it hard work now they’re teenagers I love it. All their personalities are so different ! They are amazing company and I feel privileged to have them . It will get easier, try to enjoy yours, time goes by so fast you will miss it as they get older .

Thank you, these are very similar circumstances to mine and I'm glad someone understands. That's all I was after, really.

No sure why people are being so eggy OP - having small children is really hard (IMHO) and having twins as DC2 &3 must be particularly tough. I have 2, when they were as little as yours I spent much time thinking WTF have I done. It's relentless with 2 let alone 3, they want different things and make different demands on your time and attention and you often feel one is getting short changed.

However, mine are now both at secondary school and it's really so lovely being their mum now - they are good company and understanding and thoughtful (sometimes) and so much easier. We recently went away with 3 of their cousins and it was just lovely them all together. Hang on in there - it will get easier and they will likely appreciate each other in years to come.

As for the poster who said adults in a 3 are more competitive - my dh is one of 3 and they all get on brilliantly. I'm one of 2 and until we were well into our 30s my db and I were horribly competitive. I think it really varies between families.

I could have written this! I don’t regret my kids but I was shocked by how badly I’m coping. I definitely think twins makes it much more intense than 3 in a row though and only twin mums can understand. I just keep telling myself it will get better in 6 months/a year/once they start nursery…

The cautionary tale is, don't have kids so close in age together! No need to rush them all out at once. That's too stressful for most people. Nothing wrong with an age gap.

I grew up one of 4, so I always new that I'd stop at 2 (of course I'm lucky there were no multiple births!) - I agree with a previous commenter - 1 child for each hand makes life so much easier, we all fit in a normal car (with room for a playmate each now dp is an ex-dp). Nothing wrong with big families - they definitely have strong points (as I said, I'm one of 4 myself) - but for me, the day to day convenience of just the 2 is hard to beat (which sounds trivial, but it really isn't)

Id say life is much tougher with twins as 2nd and 3rd rather than 3 individually aged children.

I had 3 under 5 and that nearly broke me. Did get loads easier once they were all in school.

There are some really mean responses on this thread. Maybe the OP’s children are very demanding. I have two and my eldest is very difficult, it is wearing. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my children, I have a friend with three and she’s lucky because her children are just so laid back. Throw one highly strung or demanding one into the mix and it would be different.

OP, how much one on one time do they get? Can you and your DH divide and conquer some weekends so eg on one weekend you take your eldest out for the morning to do something nice while your husband has the twins. Then the following weekend you have one twin on their own. And repeat.

But what should those considering three actually consider? That you don’t have three hands and sometimes might be split?

How long exactly do you think op should have kept twin in for? There's four years between DS1 and DS2. Four minutes between DS2 and 3. And I agree with OP about it being hard. I wouldn't swap them for the world but that doesn't make it easy

I have two siblings and OH has one. Although we get on well, none of our siblings are people we would have naturally befriended at school. We find we're closer to my siblings by virtue of being part of a group. OH's sibling is also closer to their partner's two siblings. And interestingly, both OH and their sibling chose to have three children of their own. Although it's tough when they're small, we're hoping it'll all work out when they're older.

Yeah, I'm such an irresponsible Mom, rushed two out in four minutes. Should have held on for 10 eh.

Thank you, these are very similar circumstances to mine and I'm glad someone understands. That's all I was after, really.

well then you shouldn’t have framed your OP as some kind of public health warning against having a third child

You are struggling with 3, and I feel for you, but to make your struggles into the thread title you started and then the op as a kind of “Warning” was not appropriate when, as you say, you simply wanted to chat to people who understand and in same boat to you.

What's weird is that you're kind of blaming one of the twins (DC3)... favouring one over the other, perhaps? So you were in bed with DC1 and one of the twins... then the other twin (DC3) came along to spoil the fun. Sounds like you resent one of your children. That's the heart of the matter.