To tell you to read this if you're considering a 3rd child

[unhappychaos]

NC for obvious reasons.

I have 3 kids really close in age. DC3 wasn't planned, we had twins on our second go.

I hate having 3. It's constant chaos. I'm always needed, they constantly compete for my attention. They all want to sit next to me for meals, that's not possible. Bedtime stories, same thing. The scrambling and turn-taking does my head in - we can never relax. DH is around and does lots with them but that's not the point. I want to be able to make my children happy without help, to listen to them properly and not always have to ask one of them to wait or to go to Daddy.

It dawned on me this morning because 2 of them came into my bed at 6.30 and fell back asleep either side of me. It was bliss and everything I've always wanted from family life. Then of course DC3 woke up and came in and couldn't find a spot and it all went wrong.

This is both a ramble and a cautionary tale - if you're considering having a third, make sure you've thought of all the above.

I'm probably doing something wrong with them as plenty of people have 3 or more kids and seem happy, but equally I can't be the only one feeling like this. It's been years and nothing has improved.

Thanks for reading.

Yeah, I think this is a twins/age gap issue. That sounds really hard!

I say, whilst quite relaxed about our third because the first so so hard work I figure he can't be worse 🙈

Name changed?

Too right!

It gets better, OP. My 4 are now 8-15 and it's another world. Nobody crawls into my bed much anymore (though the 8 year old still does sometimes). 2 of them (the teenagers) are barely communicative, but they also run their own lives, they are such good fun.

It was really, really hard when they were all tiny/toddlers. But it really does go so quickly. Once they are all in school it flies past!

Hold on in there

To be honest it feels a bit like this even with just two. They are little and they squabble and fight over me. They do also love each other a lot but there is a lot of squabbling. I had a big age gap between my sister and I so this is new to me but I get it. They are little and get frustrated with each other, with themselves and with me. I am sure as they get older it will ease out a little. A lot of the arguments just now are to do with my eldest complaining the younger one isn't following the rules and messing things up. Which is true. He is 2 so it's just the way he is programmed just now. I don't feel like I have capacity for more. I've got a friend who has 3 all close in age and is due her 4th soon. I think some people do just have a knack for the chaos and don't mind it.

What is your issue? I'd rather people who know me didn't see this.

Am SO relieved to see you post this @Slavetomytoddlers

Because obviously, it's not something OP is capable of considering for herself, & without your smug unwarranted judgement timely intervention, she'd have stamped the forehead of her chosen Child 3 with "UNWANTED" & left it to bring itself up.

I know someone who had 6 in 4 years- two sets of multiples.

Insane pressure.

I don't think this helps - I definitely don't have a knack for the chaos!

I would struggle to pick one of the twins TBH, but I can give it some thought!

Haven't read the whole thread OP, hope you're OK. I also have 3 including twins, but mine are tween/teen now.

Not sure it does get easier - well there may have been brief interludes of harmony when they were all primary school age - but it ramps up again when they're teens / nearly teens. The squabbling / the "why do I have to do it?" moans / fighting over Netflix / picking them up from "gatherings" - usually 3 different places, all different times, it's hard work. And the cost of twins going to uni at the same time - ouch!

BUT, and its a big BUT, I also wouldn't change it for the world. They all have different personalities, they are funny, the banter they have with each other and with us is hilarious sometimes. Its hard to imagine our lives without 3 children.

I agree the time and finance pressures of 3 are extraordinary - and difficult to imagine if you have fewer children, but hang in there OP.

Ridiculous assumption that three kids are problematic, anymore than any other number of children.

We have four kids very close together and didn't/don't have the problems you mentioned.

Teach your kids to take turns and compromise. No kid can always have their own way and it is good from them to learn that.

It wasn’t judgement, it was an observation, and a foil to the post I replied to.

I don’t know if the OP specifically has one child in her mind as DC3 (ie, the youngest of the twins), or if she’s just using it as a means to say the third child who is there at that point in time, but if it’s the former and her first post is anything to go by, I don’t think it’s beyond the realms of possibility that DC3 will grow up feeling left out if the OP doesn’t ensure that it doesn’t happen.

But there isn't a DC3 - my youngest are twins.

Have another three. Then you won't notice the chaos.

You seem to have had a lot of flack here. You sound like a lovely mum and the age gap with three can’t be easy. I find the same issues with attention, cuddles etc with just two and age four is a demanding age. I don’t doubt it’ll get a bit easier as they get a bit older. Hang on in there I’m sure you’re doing a wonderful job.

Unpopular opinion but in this day and age with war, climate change and overpopulation, no one needs to be having more than 2 children.

It's the fact they're close in age that makes it so hard right now. I have 3 and when they were all under 5 it was pretty chaotic, specially as dh and I both worked too.

However, as they get older you'll realise the benefits... I'm so glad we had ours close together rather than having any large age gaps. I couldn't be doing with having a couple of teenagers and then a tiny one with entirely different needs.

3 is a fab number.

I probably agree, or at least that was my plan for our family. My ovaries had other plans though.

I was offered a selective reduction which for many reasons I didn't even consider, but if I hadn't had twins I would have stopped at 2.

My mum had one, then twins, of which I’m one, when my brother was 2. It was the early 1970s so she didn’t find out until 7 months that we were twins. I’ve asked her previously how did you cope and she said ‘I just got on with it’ this is before disposable nappies, baby monitors, 24hr childrens tv etc. I never remember it being chaotic but I’m sure it was. You’ll get past this stage and I’m sure you’ll love having three. I only had two so I can only imagine it +50% must be really tough sometimes but you’re so lucky to have three children that you love and love you back in return

It wasn’t judgement, it was an observation, and a foil to the post I replied to.

These 3 things you cite are not mutually exclusive. Of course you were judging.

OP posted in honesty & sisterly solidarity. It's clear from her writing style that she's looking to offer & receive support for those feeling the stress, & resultant guilt of not being A Perfect Mother it engenders.

I doubt she posted looking for a scolding, or even well-meaning advice on how to handle the logistics - she's opening a compassionate conversation about how fucking hard it can be, especially sometimes in the first few years. I think that deserves applause, not PP jumping down her throat from the vantage point of their self-proclaimed superior coping skills.

What’s my issue?

Frightening the many many mumsnetters that will be pregnant with the third;

and not raising anything at all that someone considering a third wouldn’t already have considered but just relentlessly pissing on their parade

I have 3 and I love it. All young. Sorry it’s a hard time for you but I don’t like all of this “cautionary tale” stuff.

Obviously I understand that having twins isn't something you can help. But for someone who already has 2 children, then plans a third - I think it's a bit irresponsible.

“I am struggling with 3”

THAT should have been the title of your thread

@Waxonwaxoff0 it’s a very popular opinion on MN.