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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there are two kinds of people when splitting the bill

166 replies

WoodenClock · 06/05/2022 11:50

And people seem to have friends that are either one if the other, never a mix?

I have a fairly wide circle and go out to eat/drink quite often with various different groups, from well off to really quite hard up. Without exception, any "argument" about money will be because someone wants to be over generous/buy an extra round/pay more than their share. As groups, a non drinker will never get stitched up for a share of the drinks bill and heavy drinkers recognise that and volunteer to pay extra, they never need to be asked.

But there are so many threads on here where people haven't paid their share or where there's awkwardness about asking them to do so. I don't meet those people.

Why is that?

OP posts:
WhoppingBigBackside · 06/05/2022 17:23

@Ineedaduvetday , I usually say before we start ordering.

I'm usually driving, and don't eat meat, and am not keen on eating much in the evening and usually just have tap water

roarfeckingroarr · 06/05/2022 17:27

I agree. My friends and I argue over whose turn it is and have never said "oh but you had a large glass of wine, I had a side salad and water and GRUEL you profligate bitch"

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/05/2022 18:05

My friends and I always just pay for what we've ordered.

pattish · 06/05/2022 18:36

It does become awkward when there is disparity in income - especially if your friends don’t realise how much you’re struggling.

I have considerably less disposable income than my friends, although not all of them realise quite how different is because it’s so far from their experience. I also don’t drink and I always come off badly at meals out. Often I’ll deliberately choose a cheaper option on the menu because I’m hard up, only for the bill to be split and ‘no one wants to be picky’ so we all just have to agree to split it. My share usually comes to at least £15 more than I’ve consumed.

A lot of the time I suck it up, other times I don’t go, but it almost always ruins it for me. They rarely offer for me to pay less.

MadCattery · 06/05/2022 20:01

WinterDeWinter · 06/05/2022 17:16

@MadCattery is there never tutting? Presumably that's quite a lot more work for the server if there are, say, 8 people eating?

I’ve never heard of any, and I was a waitress when I was young, years ago. It’s part of the job and expected? Even a party of 10-12. I don’t know how much more work it really is, except taking a few extra minutes to pay out.

Comedycook · 06/05/2022 20:05

I remember as a child going out for a meal with my parents and another family. When the bill came each dad insisted on paying the whole thing. It went on for ages! Can't remember who won in the end but it was definitely a pride thing for them. I don't think there's many men like that anymore sadly.

camelfinger · 06/05/2022 20:30

Sometimes there’s three camps: the non drinkers, the share a bottle between three, and the people who knock back the drinks. It is then deemed unfair for the non drinkers to contribute to the alcohol (rightly so) but the one glass of wine drinkers then have to sub the heavy drinkers. And side dishes are annoying, especially if it’s not clear if they are to be shared. I’m talking about the big long tables with work colleagues rather than close friends. I really don’t have a problem with working out how much I owe, especially as most menu items seem to be in whole numbers these days. Agree that it’s so much better in America where individuals get their own bills.

PlacidPenelope · 06/05/2022 20:40

Comedycook · 06/05/2022 20:05

I remember as a child going out for a meal with my parents and another family. When the bill came each dad insisted on paying the whole thing. It went on for ages! Can't remember who won in the end but it was definitely a pride thing for them. I don't think there's many men like that anymore sadly.

The speed my dad would get out his wallet to pay whenever we were out with him even if we did the inviting to treat him and mum was unbelievable, bless him.

shivawn · 06/05/2022 20:42

Same. My friends always seem to be falling over themselves to be the one to pay the bill. I went for lunch with a friend a couple weeks ago and asked for the bill as soon as she went to the toilet so I could pay for both of us with no drama. Of course she got back to the table just as the bill came and then it was a rush to see who could get tap their card on the machine first, I won. 😉

PlacidPenelope · 06/05/2022 20:46

Well done shivawn! My dad was a kind and generous person but very good with money not the sort to be taken advantage of and just loved treating his family, I am the same with my children and their partners.

pixie5121 · 06/05/2022 21:14

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Svara · 06/05/2022 22:04

@pixie5121 I'd have pointed out that I'd paid £19 when mine was £14 so someone must have underpaid and if anyone thought they might have by mistake then they could leave a tip. I think it's wrong to pressure others to tip in general though, if someone chooses to leave a tip then they can tip a percentage of their own share and leave other people to decide for themselves.

WinterDeWinter · 06/05/2022 22:05

All this is making me really glad that I no longer see people in groups at all - it's either one on one, or two couples, and that makes it a lot easier. It took me a long time to realise that I am an introvert as well as a bad person who is both anxious and judgmental 😁

WinterDeWinter · 06/05/2022 22:08

@MadCattery oh interesting. I think there would be massive eyerolling here, and lots of 'what, each one of you wants a separate bill?' - but maybe we British rule-observers should power through and make it the done thing.

worriedatthistime · 06/05/2022 23:59

We tend to split and tbh in many places now a coke isn't loads cheaper than 1/2 a lager etc
If someone has bottle wine and others don't just Chuck in a little extra
Dh family are a nightmare they start adding it and trying to remember who had what etc
Just split it or ask at the beginning for a separate bill

StoppinBy · 07/05/2022 04:53

I work in hospitality in Australia and splitting bills to only pay for what you had is normal.

People come to the till and tell you what they had and that's that, no eye rolling, no tutting, it's normal.

I will say though that in large groups, it suck to pay last as there is often unpaid items on the bill that don't belong to them that someone else forgot they had so the last person either pays for it or has to chase up the group to find out who didn't pay for it.

ParisNoir · 07/05/2022 06:24

shivawn · 06/05/2022 20:42

Same. My friends always seem to be falling over themselves to be the one to pay the bill. I went for lunch with a friend a couple weeks ago and asked for the bill as soon as she went to the toilet so I could pay for both of us with no drama. Of course she got back to the table just as the bill came and then it was a rush to see who could get tap their card on the machine first, I won. 😉

I mean, this is lovely but its also quite privileged. Paying more doesnt necessarily= nicer person. Not everyone has the available finances to pay for others especially in the current time with rising fuel costs etc so if someone can afford to pay for their friend's meal too it probably means they dont have to worry about money. I dont really see it as oh, they are nicer than my other friend because they have more money and have paid for me too!

ivykaty44 · 07/05/2022 06:29

As a non drinker, I’ve paid an equal share. Not always depending on who I’m with but it happens.

my lime and soda at £1.50 average is different from a £6 glass of wine- but if with that same crew I don’t worry about eating steak, if that’s what I fancy

motogirl · 07/05/2022 06:29

The only time we split the bill is with friends who have all had the same value food and drink (roughly) eg all had a 3 course meal and shared wine. When it's a bigger group and some are driving we will pay what we actually spent plus a bit extra for a tip.

Ouchmytoe100 · 07/05/2022 06:30

I live abroad, and where I live, people literally battle to pay the whole bill by themselves! Sometimes you'll literally have two or three guests racing to the till, trying to push each other backwards as they go 😂

If someone invites you for dinner here or suggests a meal, it's a given that they will pay and it's really rude to offer to give them some money to chip in.

Couldn't believe it when I first got here. Where I'm from in the UK, people will happily get out their calculators and work out exactly what each person owes. I did this with some fellow Brits when I first moved here and our local guests were visibly cringing a mortified.

I quite like this. It means when it's your turn to pay, you pay a lot, but you end up going on countless lovely evenings out without spending a single penny!

Ouchmytoe100 · 07/05/2022 06:32

(the first circumstance with people racing to pay only happens when the meal is spontaneous, and unplanned, so the 'who invited who' rule can't be applied)

Svara · 07/05/2022 07:39

ParisNoir · 07/05/2022 06:24

I mean, this is lovely but its also quite privileged. Paying more doesnt necessarily= nicer person. Not everyone has the available finances to pay for others especially in the current time with rising fuel costs etc so if someone can afford to pay for their friend's meal too it probably means they dont have to worry about money. I dont really see it as oh, they are nicer than my other friend because they have more money and have paid for me too!

Show quote history

That's what I was thinking. It could also make things awkward for a poorer friend who would be happy to pay their own way but wouldn't be able to reciprocate in paying for everyone's (due to amount in one go or different food/drink choices).

Svara · 07/05/2022 07:41

Like if you can enjoy a few drinks with friends if you alternate half ciders with lime and sodas, but not if buying rounds.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 07/05/2022 08:19

Ouchmytoe100 · 07/05/2022 06:30

I live abroad, and where I live, people literally battle to pay the whole bill by themselves! Sometimes you'll literally have two or three guests racing to the till, trying to push each other backwards as they go 😂

If someone invites you for dinner here or suggests a meal, it's a given that they will pay and it's really rude to offer to give them some money to chip in.

Couldn't believe it when I first got here. Where I'm from in the UK, people will happily get out their calculators and work out exactly what each person owes. I did this with some fellow Brits when I first moved here and our local guests were visibly cringing a mortified.

I quite like this. It means when it's your turn to pay, you pay a lot, but you end up going on countless lovely evenings out without spending a single penny!

I get the feeling the UK in general isn't very good at hospitality and generosity. Look at the munk on people have about cash at weddings.
Dp family from abroad the men just pay the bill and the weddings are cash generous.

Us Brits are Scrooge like.

Cookiecrumble22 · 07/05/2022 08:38

If I go out for a meal with my friend we are bit of a mix some times she pays sometimes I do. We also just pay for ourselves.

When I go out with a realitve and my children. I always end up paying for her meal as well. She's always moaning about money. But I don't think she's as hard up as she makes out.

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