To think there are two kinds of people when splitting the bill

[WoodenClock]

And people seem to have friends that are either one if the other, never a mix?

I have a fairly wide circle and go out to eat/drink quite often with various different groups, from well off to really quite hard up. Without exception, any "argument" about money will be because someone wants to be over generous/buy an extra round/pay more than their share. As groups, a non drinker will never get stitched up for a share of the drinks bill and heavy drinkers recognise that and volunteer to pay extra, they never need to be asked.

But there are so many threads on here where people haven't paid their share or where there's awkwardness about asking them to do so. I don't meet those people.

Why is that?

When we were recently graduated and just started earning money my group of friends and I would go for boozy Sunday roasts most weekends. We started to notice that one friend would always want to pay last when the bill came. We worked out that she was counting on us all being tipsy and over paying what we owed. Any extra should have gone towards a generous tip only she would swoop in at the end, discreetly pay whatever small amount was left to cover the food and drinks and we’d all be scrambling for change! We’re still friends. She must be feeling more financially secure as she’s far more generous these days.

You're right, I think separate bills is the way forward. We prob go out 4 times a year as a family group, it's much better when it's just me and my friend not her husband (he's the calculator weirdo)

We just split everything equally. If someone is not drinking or had fewer courses we might suggest they pay less but they always insist on paying the same as the rest. This is based on-

• a 30 year friendship so it all comes out in the wash (maybe X is pregnant and not drinking today but Y was pregnant and not drinking last year and Z the year before that etc)
• everyone's quite well off so no one is too worried about cash flow
• no one is taking the piss.

I'd hate to be friends with someone who took the piss. I think I'd just find it so embarrassing to have to deal with someone wiggling their way out of paying their share.

Oh god yes this is a proper friendship ender! With my friends (the ones I actually look forward to seeing), either one person picks up the whole bill and we take it in turns for next time, or we split the whole bill, tip included, evenly.

It makes me cringe and actually feel quite cross when people start asking for the menu back and drunkenly working out to the penny how much everyone should pay! One “friend” absolutely ruined another friend’s hen do dinner by doing this and then arguing about how much everyone needed to pay. In my opinion the bill should just be equally split and that’s that. I don’t care if you’ve drunk slightly less or didn’t choose to order a starter, I don’t care if you drank 3 bottles of wine to yourself and are chateaubriand, we will be splitting the bill evenly because we are friends and this is a NICE DINNER!!!

I’m of the opinion that everyone should keep a very rough track of what they’ve had compared to everyone else. I don’t mean item for item, but you usually know if you’ve had cocktails while everyone else has water, or if you’re the only one who had dessert, or if you’ve had steak while everyone else is veggie.

Then when the bill comes, if I know I’m one of the big spenders I’ll always try to grab it first and say very clearly ‘we owe more than you so please don’t split it’. Sometimes people will really insist on splitting and that’s lovely but I’ll normally just try to figure out roughly how much extra we owe and then suggest that we pay, say, £20 more than our dining companions.

If I know I’ve had less than others (which is sometimes the case as I don’t drink) then I’m always grateful if someone does the above but I generally tend to say I’m fine to split it unless the difference is really, really big. Usually it’s only a few quid difference really, especially if I’ve had mocktails or a dessert in place of not drinking, and I figure it all comes out in the wash anyway.

If I’d been on water all night while everyone else was on champagne then I’d be quite miffed if someone asked me to split but that’s thankfully never happened, because my friends are considerate enough to realise that that wouldn’t be very cool!

Saying that back in the day we had a friend whose dad was super wealthy and obviously gave her a generous allowance, she and her husband grew up to be incredibly tight fisted, never buy a drink in a pub, always wait until someone offers to buy a round (my husband and I call him “mine’s a pint Joe”) and they are the sort of people that will pay to the penny (with coins on the table) for exactly what they ate, “accidentally” forgetting to pay for their drinks or contribute to the tip, and then leave early so they don’t have to pay extra for a late taxi. The way I see it, their behaviour is just so totally appallingly selfish. If they were skint I’d understand and actually would offer to pay for them, but these are wealthy people who just want to get away with it. We don’t see them any more.

I once went out with a group of friends and one women got out her phone/calculator and added up EXACTLY what she'd had so knew what to pay for her share! If that was me I'd be mortified. If I can't afford a night out I just say! If, for example 5 of us go out and bill comes to £200 that's £40 each - simple. I don't hang around with CFs as a rule and we all enjoy a drink so it's always fair to split equally. I'm veggie (and on some occasions friends have insisted I pay less as I'm a cheap date) but I don't expect to pay less. I honestly think it leaves a horrible end to what was possibly a great night when people start quibbling over the bill. It's just not classy.

I agree with this. Like the OP, when I go out with friends the 'arguments' tend to be people wanting to make sure they don't underpay. Occasionally someone will just be staying for a drink, or on a tight budget, and they will say up-front that they want to pay separately.

However, when I've been out with people I don't know that well (work meals out etc) there always seems to be someone who takes the piss. One person I used to work with would always ask before he ordered whether we were splitting the bill or paying separately. If we were splitting it he would order 3 courses (even if other people were not having starters etc) including an expensive main. If we were paying separately he would just have an inexpensive main and badger everyone to agree to shared dishes as well, which he then ate most of but insisted the cost should be shared equally.

Most of my friends are reasonable about it and we just split it unless there’s a massive discrepancy. So there’s one group I go out with about 3 times a year, out of the last three we’ve split it twice because everyone had roughly the same but the third time two out of the group chose dishes off a midweek bogof menu and one had something far more expensive than anything else plus wine so we each paid for our own. We don’t quibble about a pound or two but this was over £10 difference so it was fairer to pay for our own.

I used to dread it though when I was worse off and had carefully chosen cheaper options only to be met with everyone else declaring “oh let’s just split it!”.

The worst for me was when I had refused an invitation out for a friends birthday meal and been upfront about not being able to afford it and everyone pushed for me to go anyway, just come for a drink, you have to be there etc. I went towards the end of the meal as they were ordering puddings and ordered one lime and soda from the bar at a cost of £1.25 which I paid for at the bar rather than putting it on the tab. Three of my friends were sharing a bottle of wine and poured me a glass which I did accept after refusing at first. When the bill came everyone merrily agreed to split it and it was split between everyone including me. I told them I hadn’t eaten and they recalculated but then decided I’d had wine so split the full cost of the wine separately to include me. They’d had 6 bottles! I was happy to pay for the glass of wine I’d had but couldn’t afford to pay that and it was really humiliating having to insist that I paid less.

see, there is an assumption that those that want to pay for what they ate are tight/anal/no fun etc

its not very nice at all to say that. people have different budgets and maybe can't afford to pay more than their one course and a coke? I can afford to just split now but don't feel inclined to split drinks if i have had 1 coke and other 5 cocktails. But don't care if its just a bit of difference on the food side.

At the start of any meal just pipe up, I'll just get my own bill, as on a budget and that is fine. Who would think badly of a friend that does that?

(and then suddently one generous person, IN FRONT OF X, says "oh we;ll all pay x's share, leaving no option to be able to say "i can't afford that" - pre agree that if you want to do it that way)

Splitting bills depends on the context; in a big group where I wasn't drinking and there was an obvious massive difference then I wouldn't want to pay for others. If it were me and an old friend or two with a small bill splitting it is fine.

To assume some people are "tight" because they don't want to split is unfair. Everyone's circumstances are different. I am a single parent saving up for a deposit on a house. Unless I am super careful with cash, I will never get my own! It's basically a sink or swim situation. So while to you it might look like I'm being a bit tight it is for a good reason. No backhanders from parents, no future stability for me or my DC unless I am scrupulously careful with cash.

Before you judge others remember that their situation may be vastly different to yours and although they may look like they have cash in the bank the reality could be massively different.

I'm always surprised that people would actually end a friendship if someone in the group wanted to pay for what they'd eaten as opposed to splitting the bill. How shallow these friendships must be.

see, there is an assumption that those that want to pay for what they ate are tight/anal/no fun etc

To me, it seems much more tight to ask for others to pay for part of what you had.

I don't know if this is just my social circle but I don't think it does even out - I don't think I have ever had my share of a bill been over the average because I am a relatively light drinking vegetarian. I don't mind chipping in a bit extra but sometimes an even split is me paying 3 or 4 times what my meal cost!

the issues always usually arise in big groups where people don't really know others well - less rarely in a group of 3-4 as you know what others ate and its also not much fuss to split things out between 4 easily. and you are generally close friends and either don't mind if you are "down" this month but up next time, or you can say you are broke, just having salad and its no drama.

Bigger group, no one is accountable, no one really knows who ordered what and bill too complicated to correctly split. Much more awkward - set meals are better for this type of event.

Being a bit older, the moral of the story is never eat out in a big group, or with my BIL as he's a stingy git and eating out beings out all his anxieties and bad behaviour.

I've more or less given up eating out with some work mates since the one time a couple of the blokes ordered prawn starters, steaks and desserts.

It was tricky on holiday as we went away with friends but the DH is a teetotal vegan so naturally their part of the bill was smaller, but they insisted on paying half. I had to take my friend aside and say that I felt really uncomfortable paying the same amount and could we please pay extra for our steaks.

Thankfully I recently paid for an expensive hobby thing for the DH as my DH needed a partner to do it with, so I feel we're a bit more even now.

If I was out in a big group I wouldn't split the bill.

Me and a few friends ordering off the early bird ,we'd split it then.

Agree I never have this problem, but then people who try to rip off /exploit friends are rarely only limited in their horribleness to how to settle bills. I dont have anyone like this in my life now.

Also - thinking about it - my bill splitting personality changes depending on who I'm with.
Close friends- who cares if one of us has an extra glass of wine or dessert, it will work itself out as I know it has over many years of friendship.
But we all have that one friend or acquaintance where they always seem to be the one benefiting from the split taxi ride or cost of the meal or whatever , so in that circumstance I change to being quite insistent about being paid back even if it's only a few quid, not least because it seems greatly unfair to be the one who organised the Uber or whatever and then have to pay over the odds for doing it.

@rookiemere yes it’s funny what repeatedly being mugged off does to you isn’t it!
I knew a certain friendship has lost its sparkle when a “friend” (who insisted she earned more than me at the time) would consistently “lose” her bank card when it came time to split the bill. She would then promise to transfer but forget to do that too. If I chased her up, she would act as if I’d been incredibly rude to even ask.
With her I really began to notice how many small things (and large) I was always having to pay for her - that she never payed back - and it really added up. The more I asked/reminded her to pay me back, the more she acted as if I was the tight one.
I’m not friends with her any more either!
In my life I don’t want to be mugged off by CFs any more. It’s such a shame I didn’t have these boundaries when I was younger but hey, you live and learn.

It can be a real minefield! I am in a group of work colleagues & ex colleagues who go out for a meal monthly. Quite a few of them drive as they live in outlying villages so they’re not drinking. Some of us have 3 courses & maybe a coffee. I’m a lightweight so only ever order a main. Sometimes I share a bottle of wine with a friend if her DH gives her a lift. We all pay for our individual food & drinks. My friend & I go halves on the wine. I have to admit, we haven’t even thought about tipping which is bad. I always tip when out with DH unless we weren’t happy with the food or service. The main problem I have is with DF & DH. My DF is one of the most generous men I know ( not in a flashy way) & will insist on paying when our family goes out for a meal - it drives DH bad! It’s a pride thing I think. We had a takeaway recently & DH actually managed to pay for our share!

I pay for what I have, I don't want to be subsidised by other people and I don't really want to subsidise others, and I don't want to have to match my food and drink consumption to other people just to be able to split a bill evenly.

I prefer to go out in smaller groups and just take it in turns to pay the bill. It also means that whoever pays had chosen the venue so can pick somewhere that suits their budget.

If anyone was rude, or even just short with my when I had to chase up their payment, I would not pay for them again. I have no issue picking up the bill for a friend who is going through a tough patch but I would be clear what I expected upfront.

The main thing to you agree how it is to be paid before you order.

No terminations necessary! I find it's interesting that this is one of those things (like brexit and religion) where without any sort of planning or conscious selection, people who I choose as friends just see eye-to-eye on this.

I don't think I'd ever discussed the EU much with anyone, but everyone I'm actually friends with continue to be universally appalled by brexit, as we found out after the referendum by discussing. Equally I've never been for a meal with my own friends where there has been any quibbling, penny-counting or awkwardness about splitting the bill. It's only cropped up in more tenuous dining situations!

I think it depends on who you are with and your personal situation at the time.

A small group of close friends? I would be ok generally with spitting the bill. If I was counting the pennies, I would say I was just paying for my own.

In my experience the issues are when it comes to groups of less close friends. I rarely drink when out for a meal and don't see why I should then subsidise others. Especially if I am counting the pennies.

I've pretty much stopped going out for meals in that scenario as I couldn't afford to pay for others and it's pretty galling when you have chosen, deliberately, cheaper things on the menu to then end up paying for others.

It's even been said on here that you shouldn't go out unless you can afford to split the bill. Selfish attitude to have - I want your company but only if you end up paying for some of my food/drink.

P.S Meanness is such an unattractive quality. I was friends with a couple for a long time but in the end their penny pinching really put me off. I knew the woman when she was single & gave her endless lifts ( or rather my parents did back then) but I never set foot in her DF’s car. Her DH burnt off a CD for me but charged me £2! Oh & I once received a jumper as a present from her & it had holes in it. Pretty sure they never bought rounds either, even after they’d had drinks bought for them. Awful.