To think there are two kinds of people when splitting the bill

[WoodenClock]

And people seem to have friends that are either one if the other, never a mix?

I have a fairly wide circle and go out to eat/drink quite often with various different groups, from well off to really quite hard up. Without exception, any "argument" about money will be because someone wants to be over generous/buy an extra round/pay more than their share. As groups, a non drinker will never get stitched up for a share of the drinks bill and heavy drinkers recognise that and volunteer to pay extra, they never need to be asked.

But there are so many threads on here where people haven't paid their share or where there's awkwardness about asking them to do so. I don't meet those people.

Why is that?

I find it's interesting that this is one of those things (like brexit and religion) where without any sort of planning or conscious selection, people who I choose as friends just see eye-to-eye on this

I agree to a point - although I have been in groups where there's been a difference in expectation (the school mums nights out years ago, or work nights, that kind of thing), where some people have obviously racked up a huge bill and are delighted when their share works out at a lowly £40 or whatever, while others who are horrified that their pasta and couple of soft drinks comes out at the same price. One mum friend didn't gaf - she used to throw in her amount rounded up a few quid, say there's my share, and go back to talking to her neighbour. It was brilliant - used to really wind up the menu raiders

My close friend group always split the bill - but someone upthread said if one of her friends did that it would be a friendship ender. Such a trivial thing to end a friendship over - although her friend is probably better off without someone like that.

but thats general meanness - not just asking to pay for what they had?

how can only paying your share be seen as mean (assuming you remember the service chrge and are NOT participating in any shared dishes ordered/chipped in for those too)

I'll pay for people if the occasion calls for it, otherwise I just pay for whatever I ordered.
Splitting bills has never been a thing with me and my friends. We're all pretty comfortable financially, it just avoids these hassles.

Apps like spitwise make it much easier if you're say on a group trip. So much more civilised to just pop it all in the app and it tells you what you owe or are due, rather than keeping a constant mental tally.

These days, it's a lot easier just to pay separately rather than buying rounds of drinks of having a single tab for a meal. Perhaps it's just where I tend to go as the places we frequent are set up that way.

Funny really, because I was discussing this with my son the other day (he's at Uni) and asking him how they split the bills when eating/drinking out, and he said the same - they just order and pay separately. The odd time that they're in a pub and buying rounds, they tend to remember whose bought who a drink so reciprocate the next time they're in the pub, so it evens out over a few visits. He usually goes with a group of 5 or 6 and they don't have 5 or 6 drinks in a session, so it's always going to be spread over more than one night.

I don't mind splitting the bill equally if I've eaten and drank the same amount as others. But I have been in the company of people who have had starter, main, dessert and 6 drinks while everyone else has had 2 courses and two drinks and they still expect the bill to be split evenly.. which isn't happening.

how can only paying your share be seen as mean (assuming you remember the service chrge and are NOT participating in any shared dishes ordered/chipped in for those too)

I think it's just the sense that someone wouldn't go a penny beyond the technical, absolute total of what they ate and drank. I mean, if it's a significant difference, obviously, but if it's the case that someone is saying, "mine is 28.80, here's 2.88 as a 10% tip", it feels a bit pinchy?

Agree.

I have some absolutely lovely friends who can't afford to pay more than for their carefully chosen options. I also like to fling in extra cash because I don't want to feel bad about others subbing my sides and cocktails.

The worst sort are those who want to fiddle whatever the system is.

And my FIL.

MIL treated us all to a meal out for his birthday. For her birthday he paid at the restaurant like the big I am, then asked my husband (but not his brother) to cover our share secretly. Odious little man.

I agree. I'm happy to split if the amount difference is small but why on earth should I be paying half when Ive had no alcohol and only two courses and someone else has had two bottles of wine, cocktails, an irish coffee and three courses? how the fck is that fair?!

I don't meet those people.

Why is that?

Ok, OP, thou art perfect with thine perfect friends.

With my siblings/DPs siblings/friends, we just take it in turns paying for bills which I prefer. I think over time the bills must pretty much even themselves out.

With larger groups when people want to pay for their own food item by item, it makes me uncomfortable. Im trying to think of a reason why and the only thing I can think of is that splitting a bill/paying separately takes so much time and I find that awkward.

I agree with this.

I think a lot of the time people just aren't paying attention to what others have ordered, unless someone says they are not drinking or someone doesn't order the same number of courses. Especially if it's something like someone choosing a cheaper main - others likely wouldn't know that unless it was specifically brought to notice.

I got stung for lunch and drinks for 6 people yesterday 2 of the people only second time of meeting them. Cried most of yesterday evening for being such a bloody fool
It is not happening ever again so I guess I learnt my friends are not my friends and I need to be more assertive

I think it's just the sense that someone wouldn't go a penny beyond the technical, absolute total of what they ate and drank. I mean, if it's a significant difference, obviously, but if it's the case that someone is saying, "mine is 28.80, here's 2.88 as a 10% tip", it feels a bit pinchy

How often does that actually happen though? The vast majority would just say 'here's £3 for the tip. Otoh, it's really* pinchy to say 'I know I had £50 worth of food and drink but I'm only putting in £30 because that's the amount owed when the bill is shared equally'. So grubby.

I suppose once you have started working it out and got your answer, you may as well keep up with it - particularly as you may be aware of OTHER people who would be stuffed if they had to pay a split even if for you personally its only £1 or so.

I suppose as an accountant, we are generally more money aware/keeping a running tab on what was spent and spot the people who ARE getting ripped off in a split deal. Now we don't want to point out "hey mary is broke, she only had a salad" but by us asking for a split, we are often doing on behalf of those who won't (like the juniors at a work night out)

I think the main thing is to agree it beforehand, so the person on a v. limited budget who intends to have the cheapest thing on the menu has a chance to say they will order separately if the bill is to be split.

I only ever go with family in which case we take it in turns to pay the whole bill; or occasionally a work meal which is a calculator-out-who-had-what job. Not seen anyone taking advantage.

I think I am both people in different groups of friends. If it’s a small group and we’ve very close I’m more than happy busy to split it evenly between us, even if I’ve not had as much as everyone else. But if it’s a larger group and I’m not that close or we’ll acquainted with them then I might put my head above the parapet and pay only for what I’ve had, especially so if I’ve had much less than everyone else.

If I’m out with just one friend or family member, then I’m more likely to just pay the whole bill, or halve it, if they insist, than I am to quibble over individual orders/costs.

It would be, yes. I can't say though I've ever seen a situation where anyone has gone so far beyond what everyone else is having. I can't remember a meal where someone has had a starter or dessert, for example, if most people aren't having it, or who are drinking champagne while everyone else is having tap water. I think that's quite unusual behaviour.

@burnoutbabe - my friend is an accountant. I love going on holiday with her as - before splitwise- she'd maintain a spreadsheet of checks and balances. For some reason my head doesn't work at all with that sort of thing so really helpful to have her keeping us all right !

but by us asking for a split, we are often doing on behalf of those who won't (like the juniors at a work night out)

I'm thinking strictly friendship groups, the bill shouldn't be split evenly among work groups for any reason.

OP, had exactly this experience yesterday lunch time - were you out with me? 😂 At one point I thought we were actually going to end up paying the restaurant more then we actually owed them 😂

I went out for a friends birthday meal recently. Everyone who attended was fairly well off - like enough that they don't need to worry where every fiver is going. When it came to paying the bill we split it equally, and I asked "I'm presuming that includes covering the birthday girl"? And the person who had divided the bill said no, and everyone else looked really awkward and mumbled about paying for themselves. It would have been an extra fiver on a cheap meal out (under £40 each for 3 courses). I couldn't get my head around her having to pay for her own meal!!!

I find that there are three types.

There's the well-paid one who orders more food and drink and more expensive items than anyone else and wants the bill to be divided equally

There's the one who doesn't drink and eat like a sparrow and is on a limited budget and doesn't want to pay 5 times the value of what he or she had

There's the comfortably off ones who order sensibly and will be happy to split equally but throw in an extra note or two to even out the disparity between meal/drinks values and for a tip

I have seen this before. When I was a student and lots of my friends had quite well paid jobs in the city. I dont think they meant to be mean, its just that some people who are well paid tend to forget that others arent and especially if youve been drinking a lot of alcohol during a meal it just slips your mind and seems easier to work out. I'm not excusing it as it IS selfish but I think it tends to happen more when you've got large groups of people out for a meal and lots of drinks flowing.

I am a pay for what you had kind of person. I don't drink and don't see why I should cover the cost of alcohol for others.

At a pre wedding meal (I got married abroad) there were 8 of us ladies and only 2 drinking. The 2 drinkers ordered a huge, expensive bottle of champagne and then at the end were the first ones to suggest "splitting the bill". Uh no.