Seriously Regret name change

[Nostrings457]

When I married I took H’s surname and our children then had that name. After 10 years our marriage has ended. He has behaved appallingly and not made anywhere near enough effort with the DC. I am filing for divorce. I don’t want to keep his name - but for professional reasons don’t really want to change but also want to have the same name as DC.

I feel so bitter and annoyed at myself for taking his name (but At the time wouldn’t have had it any other way).

I’m in the depths of heartbreak at the moment but this is really getting to me. Does anyone have any advice or experience?

Women should never change their names IMO

change it back. Your children have a connection to him because he's their dad but you don't have to.

Can you tag on your maiden name? So instead of being Mrs Smith, you'd be Mrs Jones-Smith, or Mrs Smith-Jones.

Use both?
Keep your married name where useful (work, dealing with school) but change it back on other documents.
I sort of do this and it's not ideal, but I didn't want to change my name when I got married, but there are occasions when it's simpler! Banking and passport need to be kept the same and it can cause some issues with having a different passport surname to your children.

It's not his name. It's your name, and your children's name. Absolutely no need to feel annoyed with yourself. Keep it and hold your head high.

Personally I would keep it as I wouldn’t want to have a different surname to my kids but that’s just me and that would be the most important thing to me

I have had a different surname to my kids for over 20 years and it has caused absolutely no passport or banking trouble.

I kept my own name when I married. Our dc has my husband's surname. I really don't mind that dc and me have different names. I don't even think about it x

I don't understand why so many modern women still change their names when they marry. If I were you I'd change it back. Sounds like reclaiming your own name is more important to you than some inconveniences at work etc. As for wanting the same name as DC - that's tricky when we still automatically give children their father's surnames, but I would change it back if I were you.

I could almost have written this, I, too, took my ex-H name, and my children have that name too. Our marriage also broke down at the 10-year mark.

I thought about changing back, but I personally wanted to keep the same name as my children, then again my ex-H (although not a great husband) is a fantastic father and we have 50/50 custody now.

It sounds like your ex is a waste of space and perhaps if he's not that bothered you could look at changing yours and your DC name. It'll take a while to get used to using it professionally, but you have to ask yourself if it's worth it to get away from any ill-feeling over the name?

I'm in France where you only borrow your husbands name. My kids have a different name to me following the divorce. It has literally NEVER been an issue. There passports now have both names.

And when they were competing they only used my surname. Likewise in the UK. Their choice.

whether you decide to keep “his” name (which is also now your name and DC’s name) or go back to your previous name, YANBU

I do think the expectation that women will always change their name is sexist and very old fashioned and we should move away from it. But theres nothing to be gained from beating yourself up over a decision you made years ago when presumably you were in love and didn’t think you’d be getting divorced further down the line.

I agree with this.

Even changing your name "back" is only swapping one man's name for another.

I have to say that if I divorced I'd still keep my name. It's MY name. The name doesn't BELONG to my DH, we share the same surname, also shared by millions of others.

Change your name, if you must you can keep the married name in a professional capacity. You won’t be the only one that does this.

Have whatever name you want, both surnames are yours to use as you wish. I changed my name on marriage, wish I hadn't but that's by the by, both names are still mine. If I divorce I'll go back to my old name, doesn't mean I don't fully own the name I have now.

Having a different name to you children doesn't make them less yours and doesn't change your relationship with them either.

I'm not sure if this is going to be a helpful comment. But, I have always thought that if I divorced (not on the cards but who knows) then I would adopt a new name. I'm not the person who had my maiden name any more

Along the lines of . . . Married name Bellamy, new name Bell. Would leave me with a similar name to the children but not the same as ex.

The double barrelled suggested above is good, and I know lots of women who use different surnames personally vs professionally.

Change back. I know increasing numbers of people who change their names at work and in professions, doctor. Solicitor where they wouldn't have 10 years ago.
Short term pain. Literally no one is judging you.

I'm keeping my married name, far too lazy to change it now, the only reason I will change it is remarriage as it seems odd to keep my exh's name at that point. I didn't like my maiden name particularly

Another vote for reverting to your maiden name. The children will always have their father's surname but you don't have to.

I kept my married name when we got divorced because I couldn’t be bothered to change and also because we had children. It never caused me any angst. I’m now remarried and still have my first married name-too much hassle to change and my dh doesn’t care. I think it’s because people have different personal associations with names-to me, it’s not important-if it’s important to you, then I why not change it back?

I changed mine back and it was really a massive psychological boost.

Different to my DCs, but it’s not been problematic.

When i divorced XH (and changed my name straight back to my maiden name) it irked me that my DCs still had his name.

Then i thought about it.

1. and most important: It's their name. It's always been their name and they are not him.


2. What is ''my'' name anyway? We all have 2 parents, we can't all have all the names forever. Double barrelling, triple barrelling - we all have to just pick one for our kids.


3. It irked me because it was a reminder of him. In the early years, yes it still stung. Now? He's nothing to me. Gnuinely the name just makes me think of my lovely children.

I have quite a few colleagues who use two surnames, one professionally and one personally. Would that work for you?

You can just revert back to your maiden name, that is the law. Please don't change your children's names, unless they are very young, my DH's Mother changed his surname once he was at school, he never forgave her and reverted back to his own name at 18

Banking and passport need to be kept the same and it can cause some issues with having a different passport surname to your children

never had a single issue in nearly 20 years of having a different surname to my kids. Schools, banks, airports, doctors all manage fine.

in fact one of the reasons we chose dh’s surname for the children is if he ever needed to travel without me, or take the kids to the dr’s etc is is much more problematic for a man with a different surname to the children….

i like having a different surname to my kids. It’s not unusual either, thinking of dc1’s 3 closest friends none have the same surname as their mums..

Could you add your surname onto the old one, like a double barrelled surname? And do the same for the kids?