Seriously Regret name change

[Nostrings457]

When I married I took H’s surname and our children then had that name. After 10 years our marriage has ended. He has behaved appallingly and not made anywhere near enough effort with the DC. I am filing for divorce. I don’t want to keep his name - but for professional reasons don’t really want to change but also want to have the same name as DC.

I feel so bitter and annoyed at myself for taking his name (but At the time wouldn’t have had it any other way).

I’m in the depths of heartbreak at the moment but this is really getting to me. Does anyone have any advice or experience?

If I were to divorce I would take my middle name (which can work as a surname and is a name in the family) or another name from my family and double barrell it so the married name and kids name would still be there. My aunt didn't have kids but kept her married name when she divorced due to work. She was perfectly happy to do so.

My kids have a different surname to me. No-one has ever commented or suggested they aren't mine. Divorce and parents not being married is so common nowadays the systems are set up for it. Only issue was my eldest was given my surname in the hospital at birth and this somehow ended up as their NHS hospital record, with an additional NHS record being set up via the GP in their actual name. But I think the erecords are linked better now.

It sounds like you've decided to keep the name but are fighting yourself about this decision.

Write 20 ways you could absolutely LOVE this decision.

Now what do you think about it? How do you feel?

Liking your reasons for any decision is powerful.

I'm half joking but I'd be tempted to keep it knowing that if he ever remarried it may annoy him that you both have "his name".

But if hes behaved badly that's how I'd live with it until I actively decided I wanted to change it. It's the one thing he cant make you do and I'd keep it for now as a bit of a fuck you.

Strange, because my husband has a different surname to our children and has encountered literally none of these problems

presumably because you’re not a difficult ex removing his details from school and medical records so he has to get a solicitors letter every time to enforce his parental responsibility.

yes it’s fine if you’re still married and not going round telling people you’re the only parental contact. If a man has a different name to his kids and rings a gp/school to discuss his child, understandably he needs to prove who he is and the relationship to that child if the mum won’t tell them.

Me too. I remarried when the children from my first marriage were 9 and 11. Took my new husband's name so now on the 3rd surname of my life. No problems with anything. Been married second time round for 18 years.

You have a point. We could go further. But when I got married 25 years ago even keeping my own name was unusual.
Was it? You and I must have moved in very different circles 25 years ago.

Yes I get really annoyed when I see my eldest's with his dad's surname despite him not seeing him for 14 years (2-16) and not providing anything (financial, emotional etc).

What a kerfuffle. Why would you bother?

Re using two surnames - many women I know do this; I did too. My maiden name, at the time, was linked to certain professional activities, and I liked the two 'identities' each name conferred.

I'm separated & divorcing. My ex is horrible, an abusive arse who had made by life a living hell.

I'm keeping my married name; over time it became my work name too, more by accident when the tax office started using it when I claimed CB.

But it's my name now. I hate him but see the name as mine & nothing to do with him. I like having the same name as my 3 DC

I am not British by birth. I come from a country where I had to escape an arranged marriage.

What a load of rubbish. It’s normal for women to keep their own names. Virtually every educated, professional woman I know -aged 50s - kept their names.

I think things have possibly moved backwards in this regard. Certainly the young women at work and the teachers at the dc's primary all seem to change their name when they marry. I think women are becoming less feminist not more.

It looks very common when the mother doesn't have the same surname as her children

but what if she has the same name as her children because she is unmarried?

is that more or less common than a married mum who kept her name for feminist, work, or whatever reason?

fuck off with your judgemental crap.

I have 2 kids, one with my surname, one with ex's (both ex's kids).

Never felt less of a family, kids have never felt less of a family or less connected to me, and apart from occasional questions at immigration, or a special shout-out on school emails when they're doing something by surname, it's not made any difference at all.

I suppose your mileage may vary, but I've had visas for me and the kids in other countries, I've travelled alone with them plenty, consent to all their medical treatment etc.

I would honestly ask the kids and see if they mind you changing your name if that's what you want to do.

Sorry, I just actually understood the comment above mine, to a previous comment 'very common' - indeed fuck off with that judgmental crap! I shall have whatever surname I want, and give my kids whatever surname I want, and anyone judging will be judged right back!

I agree it is your name. I divorced in 1993, I still have my ex's name- too much hassle to change.
Even though I have 2 kids and been with my current pertner for 25 years, I still call myself Mrs ex.

It’s normal for women to keep their own names. Virtually every educated, professional woman I know -aged 50s - kept their names.

This is so much the 'norm' in my profession that it quite surprised me to realize that we are indeed in a little bubble, and that elsewhere this would be perceived as very much unusual. This was unexpected (I married in 2008), particularly when I encountered some very hostile attitudes not only relating to my name but that fact that I don't use a 'Mrs' title. Amongst other little pearls were the suggestion that surely I'd now want to adopt 'Mrs' (nope, Mrs Van Arkle is my mother and I haven't married my dad), an insistence from various in-laws in persistently addressing me as Mrs Hisname, and an angry assertion that I didn't respect my husband. A different family name doesn't make us any less married. I now use 'Dr' as a matter of course, a thing I always said looked pretentious outside a working context, because complete strangers don't need an introduction to my sexual status when completing a simple business transaction. Also, I have no intention of justifying that decision (a thing that's been asked of me in the past and which took the wind out of my sails).

I'm not computing why anyone should care about a woman's personal decision of what she calls herself. My husband doesn't. And I'd have thought doctors, receptionists and the like would just want to tick a box and wouldn't give a shiny shit. Why are other women - and it IS exclusively other women - apparently so anxious to put women like me back into our box?

I'm still married but regretted changing my name about 10 years on - so I've changed it back. My children have my maiden name as a middle name, but tbh it's not really an issue them having a different surname. It was a pita to do the admin and I have some professional qualifications in my married name, but that hasn't proved to be a problem yet.

The professional women I know who 'havent' changed their names in a professional capacity have actually changed it elsewhere. My SIL is a senior lawyer in the city and uses her name professionaly. Noone would know she has a passport with her DH name, is known as his name in every other settting apart from work.

If I could do it over, I would like to do this because DD has a name that goes very well with my name and DS does not.

I'm separated & divorcing. My ex is horrible, an abusive arse who had made by life a living hell.

Interested to read your post @EarringsandLipstick; of course, different women are going to feel vastly different about these matters.

I've seen numerous women reason that their father was an abusive bastard and by changing their names they felt they were divesting themselves of that history. I get that. My own father was an abusive alcoholic who gave my brother and me a childhood from hell.

Oddly enough, it's my brother who once seriously considered changing his family name to our mother's. I never considered it. To me, it's my name and my family history for better or worse, and in a sense it's an assertion (privately of course and only to me) that I've overcome that history and made a better life for myself regardless. I also felt, probably irrationally, that I wanted to bring something more positive to that family name than my father managed. To be a good parent would be the pinnacle of achievement to me, since this was something he never was. I didn't want to tie my family name to another family's history and background which wasn't mine. A name is an identity. I view that as important.

People feel differently and I'm interested in what makes other people tick: hopefully without judgement. Privately, it does irk me that one 'right answer' is expected by default, and have lost count of the number of times I've been told 'your husband's name is your legal name!' The hell it is. My name is my name unless I actively change it.

I kept my name and my DC have my name as well, but if I were you I would change it back. In the grand scheme of things does if matter if your DC have a different last name? Have you asked them about it?

If you’re fairly frequent travellers abroad it’s best to keep the same surname as your children

I changed my name on divorce and I've never regretted it. It doesn't matter having a different name to your children...I never bothered correcting anybody if they made a mistake and it's so common these day. I needed my maiden name back to truly move on. I have a bit of a theory about this...the only divorced women I know who kept their names are three women who I would say haven't moved on at all. Still single and still really bitter many years later. But that's only my limited experience and all three were treated badly by their husbands so apologies if that offends anyone who has kept the name and is perfectly happy.

Really interesting post Mariel, I can totally empathise with that point of view too, re changing names.

I did think about this in the early, very raw days. But it had been so long since I used my maiden name, it too seemed alien to me.

Your account of reclaiming your name is very moving.