Seriously Regret name change

[Nostrings457]

When I married I took H’s surname and our children then had that name. After 10 years our marriage has ended. He has behaved appallingly and not made anywhere near enough effort with the DC. I am filing for divorce. I don’t want to keep his name - but for professional reasons don’t really want to change but also want to have the same name as DC.

I feel so bitter and annoyed at myself for taking his name (but At the time wouldn’t have had it any other way).

I’m in the depths of heartbreak at the moment but this is really getting to me. Does anyone have any advice or experience?

I kept my married name , couldn't be bothered changing and wanted the same name as my children. Plus I'd got used to being Mrs X.

Didn’t bother me. I was happy to have the same name as the children, and couldn’t be bothered with the admin to change. Now that the children are growing into adulthood I may think again, but it’s not a priority for me.

@SingingSands
Even changing your name "back" is only swapping one man's name for another.

What do you mean by this?

I agree with a lot of these comments and am also in a similar position to you.

I took my husband's name (that was just what you did 18 years ago and I never really questioned it or knew anyone who didn't do this). The marriage ended after 14 years and we are going through divorce now and it has made me think about the name thing.

I have been my married name for 18 years now. Our dc have that name, most people know me as that name both professionally and personally. As someone else said...I don't feel I am the same person I was before I got married so reverting back to my maiden name doesn't feel right.

Also, my 14 yr old told me recently that my ex has told them I might change my name. He had no right to do that and makes me want to keep my married name even more so that's what I am doing. Not because it's HIS name but because it's mine and my children's name.

I would also keep the name. It is yours and has been yours for 10 years. I’d rather keep the same name as the children.

I assume they mean that your birth surname is usually your dad's name.

Just to add, I do usually use 'Ms' now instead of Mrs and I certainly don't feel like Mrs but nor do I feel Miss is right after being married. I hate that this is only an issue for women too...changing (or expectation of) names and titles depending on marital status.

I changed mine straight back to my maiden name, I didn't want to have anything connecting me back to him (it was a very rare name). I did contemplate changing it to a completely new name by deed poll, but couldn't come up with anything that sounded good with my first name.

I don't particularly like my maiden name, but I love my family so much and am proud to be associated with them, so I went with it.

If you do change it, I would recommend doing it by deed poll as I found it such a pain changing it without an official document - I had to produce birth certificate, marriage certificate and decree absolute to some places before they'd change it.

Do you have girls? If so you may not share your name forever anyway.

I kept my name and my DC have it too. My DD has chosen to take her husband's name now she is marrying so from now on we will have different names.

I did not take my husbands name because I was born Wouldyoubeguilty and I will die Wouldyyoubeguilty. That is who I am, That is my name.

My children have my husband's name and it has never ever caused me any hassle at airports, parents evenings or with passports.

Take your name back. It will feel great.

I've always used my maiden name at work but once my kids are adults I will revert my legal name back to my maiden name. My kids also want to adopt my maiden name once they are old enough to no longer need his permission to do so

We’ll as a “modern woman” I took my husbands name because keeping my arsehole fathers name didn’t exactly feel like the modern feminist statement some people claim it to be.

I kept my exH name to be the same as the dc. I may consider changing it back to maiden...or something entirely different when they are both adults. In the meantime exH is getting married again and I think it pisses them off that I still have the name. I've said I will change my name to make it double barrelled if the dcs names change in line with that, but other than that, the answer is no.

no advice as such to add OP, apart from to say exactly your situation happened to me. I have been divorced 7 years now but still use "his" surname on a day to day basis.
I did feel very annoyed at one point over the last 7 years that he walked out on us when the children were still quite young, blatently saying before he left that "having kids was the worst thing he had ever done" and moved straight in with OW and they now have a toddler together (her idea apparently) - and here I am doing 99.9% of the parenting of the two children i had with him and they have his surname to boot.
Looking back if i could give my younger self some advice, I would have said to myself, if the man I am about to have kids with is not 110% enthusiastic about having children before the children arrive, seriously consider insisting that the children have your surname (i.e. your maiden name - hence do not change your name at marriage).
I don't think my ex gives a monkeys that I still use his surname, (cannot be arsed with the enormous hassle of changing it back in all areas of my life) but then he does not give a monkeys about anything domestic/family etc so it is no surprise.

I kept my name and my kids have my name too, even when we pre together and after we were married. I’ve just never got why the kids get the dads name automatically. My ex DH didn’t seem to mind and hated the idea of a double barrel so we went with mine. I have my mums name too, but only because my dad wasn’t involved from before I was born. I’ve always been a Ms too.

so OP, I can imagine how hard it must be. I think in your shoes I’d go back to my own name, as I found at schools etc they always call you mrs child’s name anyway.

I am fairly happily married since 2002, lovely husband who is great with our three kids and I wish I hadn't changed my name. I didn't always feel like that but I do now. People change their names all the time for many reasons. The next generation seem bent on changing their first names regularly too. Change you name and also change your children's names as part of the divorce so that you don't have to go back to court to request your husband's permission in the future. Double barrelled for them and you too if you wish, or not if you don't..

Second the poster who suggests adding yours back on. Eg say I'm Mary Smith, DH is John Jones, and our son is Thomas Smith Jones, no hyphens. (I don't like them.) You could be Smith Jones instead of Jones, your kids names would still be there then, which I find perfectly adequate. We were all going to take the full name, both DH and I change, but never got round to it and probably won't now because I find this works fine.

as a side note, I feel it is one aspect of modern society which is still incredibly in the dark ages - that it is so bloody difficult to effectively revert back to your maiden name after divorce. The admin, the hassel, the possible questions about your children if you do not have the same surname as them. Society should recognise that divorce is relatively common and it is most of the time the woman who bends to the tradition of taking her husband's surname on marriage so it is she who has to go through the ball ache of the admin of changing it back which is not that easy at all.

My 'married' name is three syllables long, as it my first name so to double barrel it with my maiden name would be ridiculously long! My kids would hate it too I think.

We’ll as a “modern woman” I took my husbands name because keeping my arsehole fathers name didn’t exactly feel like the modern feminist statement some people claim it to be

You could have changed your surname at any point. You didn't need to bag yourself a man to achieve that.

I agree with changing your name back.

I didn’t change mine on marriage and we already had DC who had taken husbands name and its never caused any problems apart from some relatives who don’t get it!

I know it might be awkward professionally but people do it all the time so not impossible. Saying that I know a teacher who uses one name as teacher and married name personally and she seems to get on fine.

Sorry you having such a tough time

Yes, this is one of the reasons I was so angry when my ex told our kids I might be changing my name soon. He has no idea what I will do with my name, it is none of his business and it's not him who has all the hassle that goes along with it (as well as all the hassle of filing for divorce, buying him out of the house, etc when he had the affair).

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet

I'm in this situation too OP but I don't know if I can be arsed officially changing it back. I go by both depending on what I feel like. They're both pretty common and I feel no emotional connection or antipathy to either

I’ve just never got why the kids get the dads name automatically

it isn’t automatic, it’s a choice, same as changing your name on marriage is a choice. Changing to your married name is an utter pita with all the documents anyway, so it’s definitely an active choice.

it’s just a shame so many women don’t seem to see it as one, and get caught up in the excitement of being married and a wife, and see changing their name as a necessary part of that.

I wouldn't worry about having a different name to your children. I have always had a different name to my children and they are now in their 20s. It really hasn't been a problem.
You say you don't want to change back for professional reasons though which is understandable but can't give any advice without knowing your profession. If it's because you have publications in your married name I probably wouldn't change it back.