Seriously Regret name change

[Nostrings457]

When I married I took H’s surname and our children then had that name. After 10 years our marriage has ended. He has behaved appallingly and not made anywhere near enough effort with the DC. I am filing for divorce. I don’t want to keep his name - but for professional reasons don’t really want to change but also want to have the same name as DC.

I feel so bitter and annoyed at myself for taking his name (but At the time wouldn’t have had it any other way).

I’m in the depths of heartbreak at the moment but this is really getting to me. Does anyone have any advice or experience?

And it’s not your husband’s name, it’s your name and your kids name now. He doesn’t own it.

Some of the women I work with who have got divorced have double-barrelled using their unmarried name - some have then dropped their married name, whilst others have kept the double barrelled name.

As do mine... what's your point? The original comment was 'when the mother doesn't have the same surname as her children'. Our children don't have the same surname as us.

If you regret it and no longer want it, then change it back - or to something else. I don't see that it would be a huge problem professionally: lots of women change their name on marriage (or divorce) so it's not so unusual.

I changed my name when I married. Still happily married, but if that ever changed I'd still keep my current name. It's really cool, for one thing; it's the same as my DCs', and it's no less my name than the one I had before. Arguably more so, I'd say, as I actively chose to adopt this name, unlike the one I was given as a baby.

I hate my surname (exh) however I OWN it as it’s my DS name.

Don’t knee jerk into changing…. Wait until you’re ready and see how you feel.

@thisplaceisweird I presumed that poster was referring to the far more usual situation in Britain where the children have their father's name only, while the mother has kept her own name, rather than the Spanish tradition (which you and I have both followed)

In practice, we refer to our whole family as the "x-y" family, even though neither my husband nor I have changed our names.

I was just explaining what the poster probably meant by their comment. I didn't say I agree.

@JanisMoplin I think it's all a step in the right direction. But what I see all too often in my own circle of friends/family is the woman keeping her own name, but giving the children their father's name. I would love to see that changing and to see children by default taking their mum's name. Let their father change his if he feels strongly..

@Sunshineandflipflops thank you 🙂
I knew what they meant. I was trying to get them to think about it and whether it actually makes any sense once you break it down..

I took my husband's name on marriage and kept it in divorce. My dd and I had the same surname for some years. She married. The ex died. I'm the only one left with that name! It's ok, I'm used to it now.

I've had six surname changes - one when my mum remarried - two when I got married - my maiden name & two others that I changed just because I wanted to.

I've also changed my first name because I didn't like the one I was given.

It didn't cost anything to do and pretty simple to notify who needed to be informed legally.

Choose a name you like OP & have that.

I’d think what’s done is done and keep the name for practical reasons. It’s your name now. Don’t think of it as his. When kids are adults maybe re think.

Could you revert back to your maiden name on documents etc...

And then do the professional use in two stages: first use your married surname-maiden name, ie "Jane MarriedName-MaidenName" and then after a while when people are used to that, drop the MarriedName part?

I hear you, I am so glad I never changed my name when I got married. But I also regret that my kids have his surname. He wouldn't double-barrel and was aghast that they might have my surname. I should have stood my ground!
However, it's never caused me any problem that they have a different surname from me.

ODFOD. I didn't keep my name as a "vague attempt" at independence. I just didn't give a s* one way or the other which name I had so went with the least effort option. We had to choose one name (double barrell sounds stupid in our case). His sounds a bit better so that is the one they got. Nothing to do with "deferral"

Agree with this totally.

Sorry I couldn’t link I meant to say I agree with the lady who said don’t beat yourself up.

I'm a lawyer. Many of my friends / colleagues have changed back after divorce. Even the ones at the top of their game. Just do it. Leave your married name in brackets for a bit if you really want to.

I'm married too and regret changing my name too.

Don’t change or double barrel your children’s names. They can chose to change later in adult life, don’t do that as a result of your relationship breakdown.

I think just change your name back, I can’t see any insurmountable problem with it being different than that of your children. You are not less their parent.

CallMeDaddy58 funny how it is always the daughters of shitty fathers who change their names on marriage. Funny how the brothers of these daughters dont do the same. I had a shitty dad but his name was my name, i loved my grandparents and wider family from my dads side. So stop hiding behind your
father as an excuse. you likely didnt even question changing your name and if you do have a brother I have no doubt he is keeping your 'shitty' fathers surname alive and kicking and his kids and wife will have he name too.

I havent changed my name on marriage, I am proud of my identity (shitty father or not)

Do you? I think it looks like she's made a sort of vague attempt at independence, by keeping her own name, but has embarrassingly deferred to her boyfriend/husband by giving their children his name instead of hers

bollocks. I didn’t defer at all. We discussed the pros and cons.

dh has kids from a previous marriage and a man having a different surname from his kids causes a million more problems than a woman. People are suspicious of lone males with children- if they have different surnames even more so. The legal hoops he had to jump through getting medical care, access to school records etc was a nightmare having the same name, if it had been different they’d be asking for proof of paternity too, and his ex had the birth certs etc…

me, i say I’m mum and they believe me, regardless of name.

I kept my name when we married and our kids have my surname. It hasn't caused my husband any grief to have a different surname to theirs.

Change your name if you don’t like it. Personally, I don’t think it matters if you have a different name to your DC. I’m married and kept my surname. My DC have their father’s surname. So, in the family I’m the only one with a different surname. It has never mattered.

🤣 you’re a proper dick, aren’t you?!

Mine always had dad’s name - before and after divorce - not mine, as I never took his.

We we’re married and shopped in Waitrose. That’d blow your tiny mind 🤣

Strange, because my husband has a different surname to our children and has encountered literally none of these problems.

I never changed my name on marriage (now divorced) and mine have always had dad’s name. No issues whatsoever.

Not that I’d care if I was assumed to be stepmother, but that’s never happened. So many unmarried women give their kids the dad’s name. I think most people assume:
man with same name = dad
woman with child whatever her name = mum

You need to decide what’s more important to you: all having same name, or not you not having his name. Then move on.