Seriously Regret name change

[Nostrings457]

When I married I took H’s surname and our children then had that name. After 10 years our marriage has ended. He has behaved appallingly and not made anywhere near enough effort with the DC. I am filing for divorce. I don’t want to keep his name - but for professional reasons don’t really want to change but also want to have the same name as DC.

I feel so bitter and annoyed at myself for taking his name (but At the time wouldn’t have had it any other way).

I’m in the depths of heartbreak at the moment but this is really getting to me. Does anyone have any advice or experience?

And me. I also married 25 years ago, and my friends were surprised that I adopted my husband's name because they thought I "wasn't the type".
Plenty of people I knew then had unchanged names, reverted names, names different to their DC (as I did until I married) at that point. And several of the teachers in my son's school were 'Ms' back then.
Perhaps, as a PP suggested, we have moved backwards in this regard since then.

If you’re fairly frequent travellers abroad it’s best to keep the same surname as your children

People say this on every thread - but I'm both a frequent traveller, and liver - as in I travel, and I actually move and live in other places for 6 months to 2 years, with my kids - and it honestly hasn't been an issue at all.

Same
DC's father lives abroad so pre covid it was 3 times a year there and back and literally never had an issue with passports

Why would there be an issue? We have never had an issue in 25 years of travelling - DC are now adults.

Oh not the travel nonsense!
No, in 15 years it has never been a problem, approx 3x a year (so 6 border checks) except Covid years. Occasionally asked them, “who are you travelling with?” (“mum”)

Zero issues.

Yet to meet anyone in real life who has 🤷🏻‍♀️

So good to read the different perspectives. Interesting how many people really don’t mind having different surname to DC. That was a huge issue for me and one of the reasons I took H’s surname. No idea why i was so attached to that idea, probably cultural.

I loved my maiden name. I do view my married name as H’s name and don’t see that changing. I only have it because of him. As pp poster said, I think I would fall into the category of having a huge psychological boost to not have his name.

@StarCourt

If you’re fairly frequent travellers abroad it’s best to keep the same surname as your children

have you experience of this? Or any direct knowledge of it happening, as in you work for border control and know of issues with not having the same surname?

or is it your opinion, or something you heard and are quoting as fact?

because no one here has ever had any difficulty travelling with different surnames..

@Reallyreallyborednow no thankfully I haven't but when going through divorce I was advised by my solicitor not to go back to my maiden name for this reason. I was also going through family court at the same time for a CAO and soon to be XH was behaving like an absolute c**t.

Your solicitor was a dingbat in that case

If you’re fairly frequent travellers abroad it’s best to keep the same surname as your children

i have a different surname to my children and step children and we have travelled the world (without DH, usually to meet him places he is working) and I have never once been stopped or questioned. Always confuses me when people say this is an issue. Or they say you need the other parents permission to take the child somewhere. What if the other parent is dead or never been involved or a sperm donor?

This isn’t particularly helpful but I think there’s no right or wrong - the right thing to do is whatever would make you happiest. It sounds like that is reverting to your maiden name, and that shedding his name would be liberating for you (I can relate to that in a way, I found shedding my father’s surname hugely liberating).

My mum still has my dad’s surname and they’ve been divorced (and no contact!) for 35 years, it’s just a name

@CloseYourEyesAndSee maybe so but she also knew the lengths my XH would go to to make my life miserable. I decided to err on the side of caution

Right, and I'm not doubting he was awful, but changing your name would have made ZERO difference to anything. Her advice was bad and incorrect if she implied otherwise.

I changed my name 'automatically' when I married 21 years ago. It was seen as a snub to my husband that I considered not doing so (by him & both sides of white working class British families).
We are now divorcing. I wish I had given our children both our names.
I am very aware that my 'maiden' name was another mans name as my Mother made a mess of that (I was the product of an affair - my birth cert is signed by my bio Dad & she signs it as his wife, which she never was, I was raised as her husbands surname then discovered aged 16 I wasnt. So, maybe I just choose my own surname now!)

I’m interested to know more about experiences of this too. Does it actually cause a problem travelling as I’ve never heard of this in real life.

I’m interested to know more about experiences of this too. Does it actually cause a problem travelling as I’ve never heard of this in real life|

no. This poster was given incorrect legal advice.

i regularly travel with my kids, different names, without dh, not been a problem in 20 years.

i also regularly chaperone international athletes. I have never once had an issue travelling with 2 or more kids not actually related to me, never mind same names. Obviously in those cases I have all the loco parentis forms etc but never been asked to show them.

I actually have been asked but a quick explanation has sufficed. It was a complicated situation so I made sure I had the documentation. But nothing to worry about

You don't need the same name as your kids. It really doesn't matter.

Why not just change back? You say because of “professional reasons” but zillions of people change name without any problem.

My children have chosen to drop their dad’s surname and stick with mine! They love him but my name is way nicer 😂

Is it time to do away with the whole concept of surname family name etc? And just decide on a name for children not related to either parent.

This. Do the kids want his surname? If not they can request at their school to be know as rose newname - keep there name on legal documents etc

women should never change their name and always give their children their name

I don't understand why so many modern women still change their names when they marry.

I changed mine because it made better anagrams, @Somatronic!

Even though my ex turned out to be an abusive shit, put me through hell for years, and made almost £100k out of me on our divorce, it has never occurred to me to feel bitter or angry about still having his name. In fact, I quite like it, because I suspect it might piss him off that I still use it.

It's my name now, every bit as much as it's his. Anyone who's known me for less than 24 years only knows me by that name.

When I meet someone who knows him, but has never met me, and they ask if we're related (we live in the same small town, so this is not uncommon), I just laugh and say "Not any more!".

I wonder if your anger about a surname might be displaced anger at everything that's happened, because it's also something that you can change? If you think it'll will help, hyphenate it with your birth name so you'll still show in online searches etc. But probably be better if you can learn to live with it. I think of still using my married name as a big "fuck you" to my ex, and it rather pleases me.

I loved my maiden name. I do view my married name as H’s name and don’t see that changing. I only have it because of him. As pp poster said, I think I would fall into the category of having a huge psychological boost to not have his name.

in that case, it's surely a huge no-brainier to change it back?

I hated my original surname and far prefer XH's. I don't see it as "his" because I chose to change it and it's mine now. It's all a matter of perception. You don't see it as yours and liked your previous name - change it back.

Women should never change their names IMO

women should do whatever they wish IMO.

My friend has annoyed her knob head ex by refusing to change her name back. He is now remarried and current wife also hates that she isn’t the only Mrs Knobhead.
He’s such a shit I think it’s wonderful.