Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

Very much agree with @whatstheteamarie .

There was a massive difference between what PIL (my parents were deceased by this point) offered to do and what they really wanted to do. They very much wanted to give the impression of hands on grandparents - I'm not even sure they could admit to themselves that they didn't really want to do it.

They offered and agreed to do things but when it came to it communicated that they didn't really want to do it by PA means: complaining to us about 'all the help' they gave to SIL with her DC and how they couldn't say no to it (SIL had a full-time nanny and they were never asked to regular childcare) but it was too much; being very difficult about arrangements; breaking/damaging things in our home what we honestly think was deliberately (this was MIL alone); lying to SIL about not being able to help her as they were helping us with our DC (SIL then rang our house at the alleged time to speak to MIL - and was surprised to hear me answering the phone) and so on...

The behaviour above (and other similar things not just above childcare) has very much damaged relationships and it is really sad looking back - no one has benefitted.

You could make your expectations clear from the off...'When you're ready, I'd love to babysit occasionally. Apart from that, keep busy. Be on holiday, or involved in group activities you can't miss. Be unavailable, so that people can't form expectations of you.

I'm the other way - some people might think me a 'professional doormat'. But my greatest pleasure comes from supporting those people who matter to me. I'm not well enough to work and what I can do in the family is really appreciated. They support me, too.

Find your own path, OP. Don't let societal expectations trap you into - or deny you - extra responsibilities.

This, some people do like to be asked, rather than being expected to offer.

When my dd was pregnant with her first, I was still working full time, but planning to drop 1 day. As it turns out, I dropped 2 days and once she went back from Mat leave I looked after my dgc 1 day a week. I still do, now there’s 2, and dgc1 will start school in September. My dd knows that there may be times when I can’t do a day, we arrange it well in advance so she can make alternative arrangements.
it’s hard work physically, but I absolutely love it!

You just say no. I'd make it very clear before the event of being asked that it's not something you'd consider doing.
I think a lot of parents are very entitled when it comes to GPs being free childcare. I have a 3yo and have never expected her GPs to perform day to day childcare for us. As far as I'm concerned our child is not their responsibility. They did their parenting years ago when bringing up their own children. Looking after children is bloody hard work and not something I'd want to be doing at their age. I think it's fine for them to have GC on an ad hoc basis (e.g. overnight, for a weekend or in emergency situation) but for daily childcare it really isn't fair for it to be expected.

I suspect there will be an increasing number of people whose parents will have died or become seriously ill by the time they have children. I know lots of people who died in their 50s or very early 60s - from cancer, heart attacks, Alzheimer’s, strokes, brain aneurysms, accidents, even suicide. Others became seriously suddenly disabled - such as blindness. Many people my DC’s age have never ever known their grandparents because they died. Both DH and I won’t live long enough to see our own late teens/early 20s children have their own children.

I’m coming at this from a totally different position. DM wanted to do childcare (paid as a childminder) and has found it very difficult to deal with the fact that this has now stopped. Pandemic was the first reason and then the second is that my youngest is 11 and we are now mostly WFH.
It has created a huge amount of anger and resentment from DM who feels ‘used’
Obviously I know this is unreasonable as she was paid but her hurt is still real and this has had a very negative impact on our relationship.

A friend with children only slightly younger DC is finding it impossible to back out of the arrangement she has with her parents. Luckily she is very well off so the money is of little consequence to her but it’s not ideal.

Grandparents childminding when it’s a favour and maybe not a permanent arrangement can work well but I think that a more permanent, paid, full time arrangement can be difficult to back out of.

My retired mum made it very clear that she was not going to take part in regular childcare - she'd seen her neighbours packing their bags and driving 2 hours away to stay for 3 nights to help out their 3x daughters, every single week. This went on for 10 years and they had had enough by the end of it! What she did say however was that she was very happy to have them for a week in school holidays, which we were very grateful for once they were in school and we were trying to juggle holiday cover between us. She is very engaged with them, we see each other once a month or so (we're 1.5 hours drive away) and they love spending time with her.

My MIL on the other hand isn't as interested nor as physically able (about 5 years older than my mum), so hasn't done any form of childcare for us at all.

Both of these approaches are fine by me - the grandchildren aren't their kids and they don't 'owe' us childcare in any form! But, this was all clear and agreed right at the start of when we had the first baby, they haven't said yes, and then changed their minds and said no etc, and we all fully understand everyone else's position on it.

But, we were also in the position where we could afford nursery and the bills when we had our children. If we had been in the position where one of us was only earning enough to cover the nursery fees, and it would have made a real financial difference for a grandparent to do the childcare, then I'm not sure what the response would have been.

My DM never looked after my DS once. My DF helped significantly (took him to kindergarten, had him if I had to work and my DS was poorly) but I never expected him to do it all. Even with my limited income then I paid for childcare.

I will help should I ever have grandchildren but I am not providing it week in and week out. Also I will probably be working until I am very old. I've been clear to my DS from the get go, I will babysit but not raise as I want the same relationship he had with his DGF.

@WildCoasts I agree that in an ideal world people wouldn't need to bring it up before their DC had kids. However, if OP doesn't bring it up beforehand, there's a small risk that if she has to refuse once DGC arrive, then the request might be peppered with an implicit threat of not getting to see the DGC if she says no.

If OP makes it crystal clear before DGC are on the cards that she'd never do regular childcare, it could save her a lot of potential future awkwardness and falling out with her DC and/or their partners. Her DC and their partners are less likely to try and guilt trip her into regular childcare if she's already left no room for doubt that there's not a hope in hell of her spending her retirement in that way.

Haven’t read all the responses and I’m guessing everyone will say you are not being unreasonable and in principle I agree with this…

However from a personal standpoint - we have only one present, functional DGP, who is sporadic due to insistence that their “social life” is more important…. Buggers off for 6 weeks at a time, let’s us down for childcare booked several weeks ahead…. Actually gets on akin to Kevin (Harry Enfield) It is incredibly hard and I have had to sacrifice things I wanted career wise - that would have benefitted our family as a whole greatly. As for my social life - doesn’t exist!

Experience when DGP reached pension age

I go to shopping centres and see women being supported by their mothers/fathers. I see friends having parents look after the kids everyday after school while they rake the money in. This shouldn’t be expected as a rule but those that do it hugely advantage their children and grandchildren in life.

If my DC has offspring I will be doing everything possible to help, because I committed to being a Mum and potentially DGM when I had them. Which I personally value more than a cruise….

I think it’s what each person cares about more really.

i would never have expected my parents to do childcare.

Fair enough. I hope my children would never assume anything about my time but I can see that being clear ahead of time might avoid any misunderstandings.

I actually had the opposite issue with my own MIL who had her kids spend endless time with her own mother and was put out when I didn't want the same.

I have had the conversation with my married but currently without child daughter. I'm not going to say hard and fast what I will and won't do as that's something that depends on circumstances, but I have been clear that it's my time to do things I put off when raising a family. Whatever I do offer will fit with my wants and needs. I know, and I'm sure they know, that I'd drop everything in an emergency.

I’ve always said I won’t do regular childcare. I brought up dsd and then 3 dc, the youngest now 16, worked full time night shifts to avoid childcare, and this is my time. However I will take them in an emergency, babysit to let them have a night out and because dsd’s ds has some sn’s and other child care I’d difficult I do take him for in service days as she works in a school. I also do school open afternoons, sports days and plays/concerts so that he has someone there.

I had a disagreement with my DH about this recently.

My DM made it perfectly clear that she was not to be relied on for regular childcare via many comments prior to me having kids, which was academic really as we live 250 miles away from each other.

I subscribe to the same belief, i.e. grandparents should not be default, free childcare unless they actively (or reactively) readily offer it. I mean, you spend x amount of years raising your kids to send them into the big wide world, have a few responsibility-free years when they're away at uni and/or starting their careers, just to be dragged back into what is essentially child-raising all over again when you should be enjoying the free time you have bloody well earnt!

I appreciate that childcare is extortionate and the expectation on women to both work and raise children is simply unworkable in many instances - but something has to change to make this easier to manage, but that change should not be "ah the grandparents will pick up the slack".

DH disagrees with me - his DM was a childminder when he was a child, and she's essentially raised 4 out of her 7 grandchildren. I've told him that if he's happy to regularly look after any grandchildren that's up to him - I'll just go on the city breaks on my own!

We all make career and social sacrifices as parents. It goes with the territory. So when yours are grown, maybe that's the time you can do some of the things you've put off?

When my parents were looking at where to retire to (tied housing, so move necessary), they were quite clear that they didn't want to be tied to childcare, having seen friends getting far too tied down and exhausted by looking after the grandchildren. They moved some distance from us all (because they liked the area). In the end, they did end up doing emergency childcare several times for one of my siblings, which then entailed a train journey and an overnight stay. But I think the fact that they were clear from the outset meant that none of us assumed that we could expect anything.

I don't begrudge them their choice at all - they started their family early and had no family help (no grandparents, no other family near), so they only started getting time to themselves later in life.

I feel it is a reflection on your son/daughter if they are so insistent that you feel you are unable to say no to them.

I am very lucky that I have the luxury of grandparents providing childcare but this was offered by them, never demanded by me. Although they offered to provide full time, I insisted on it being alongside another form of paid childcare so they did not get exhausted having children all day in preschool years. (It was all great to have the eldest child at 12 months when I returned to work 3 days a week but then 2 years later, there was a 3yr old and 14 month old which are not so easy to have all day). I also made it clear from the outset, they are free to holiday/travel as they please and my only request is that they give us sufficient notice to make arrangements with our employers/nursery so the extra hours and days are covered. It has not been a problem, they go away 4-5 times a year and are able to enjoy retirement.

This is a tricky balance, though, isn't it - elsewhere on the thread people have said that no one should be asking grandparents in the first place, it should be a favour willingly offered. Both PiLs and my parents do provide childcare for us (which I'm almost frightened to admit in the context of this thread!) but in both cases they offered, we would never have asked unprompted, and we do check in regularly to make sure it still works for everyone.

I will be mid 50s at that point.

DS is SEN and can’t go to paid childcare - covid/needs extra support.

It’s nice that GP can go off and enjoy spending pension having a great time.

Not getting the opportunity to generate one myself. It’s worrying.

All the grandparents saying they won’t do regular childcare- were you never looked after by grandparents yourselves when younger? I’m surprised by so many saying they don’t want to be involved in childcare. Both sets of my DC grandparents pick up from school once a week and they all really enjoy their time together (without me there monitoring all the sugar 😂) it’s nice for them to have a relationship without the parents always around I think.

By the by GP in question had family support with childcare 5 days a week and an overnight every other weekend… just inherently selfish and double standards.

My MIL provides all our childcare for DS (3). It was never expected and we were fully prepared to pay for childcare when I returned to work. My DH is an only child and she loves to have our son, I do only work around 20 hours a week at present and have spoken to her and asked if she’s okay with doing this but she is happy with the arrangement and if shifts fall on husbands days off she still wants him one night a week for tea. I know I’m extremely lucky and things could change if we had any more children.

My sister is 68 and her 30 year-old-daughter has a 6 month baby girl. My niece said to my sister: "When I go back to work full time you'll be able to have baby every day!" My sister had just done one day with the baby and was exhausted, she'd babysat while her daughter had a day out with friends. Sister told her that she would not be available for full-time child care and she'd have to make other arrangements. Her daughter was outraged and highly offended. But my sister told me she just couldn't face all that all over again.

The ones who have an expectation that GPs should help with childcare are likely to be the same ones who have no time for these people when they are very elderly and need care.