Grandparents not wanting to do childcare...

[Chewchewaboogiw]

Have been thinking about several people I know whose planned retirememt or part time work has been changed as they have been asked to do childcare for their dgc and now they are doing chikdcare say 3 days a week instead of their plan to travel. And not massively happy about it ( in one case another.baby due also)..I have seen a post response recently that said that they take dgc out but they are not there for childcare. If you dont do childcare for your dgc how did you say no?( I am not in that position at present but i can imagine it would be hard work ..) I would imagine / fear adult ds would be hurt if they were told no dont want to do chikdcare and cant imagine how it would be phrased in a positive way.. anyone said no and is it bu to say you dont want to ... or is it now expected. I know that all families.different, am just asking about families who are comfortable in saying no .

I would simply be saying that “I will help out in an emergency. I will help you if I am available. I will not be locked into regular caring duties as I need to be available for the things I have planned to do in my retirement. I will love you and the babies forever, but I can’t be available for that.”

I am not even 50 yet. I have two diagnosed with significant long term medical conditions, in early 20s, and they still need support. That's not going to change in a hurry. It is in many ways easier to do more for myself though, just because they are older and don't need the constant supervision of a preschooler. I don't know if I will ever be free but those are the breaks and that's how it fell for me. I don't think I'll ever have the carefree retirement but I don't have any expectations of my parents. It's not their fault I won't get the carefree retirement they are having. As far as my own GC, I could incorporate some GC care on my terms, but not at the expense of what I need for myself at this stage.

I get it, it's hard. I've been doing it for 30 years. I'm tired. Maybe a comparable situation is that, with aging parents, I'm going to have to learn to be okay with saying no to them.

What I like about this thread is that is has, for the most part, been measured.
Most see the need for early conversations and no assumptions, as well as the possible reality check when circumstances change for the GPs.

BIWI · 04/05/2022 23:41
As a parent you have already done your share of childcare!

As a grandparent, if you have the time/want to help, then that's fine. But in no way should it be expected of you”

this ^

atm, I very much enjoy looking after our toddler grandchild once a week. Should that change or become too difficult, I’ll stop.

I never knew my grandparents and my parents didn't really do care much.

I understand what you’re saying, I anticipate that DS will need support into early 20s too.

My irritation stems from the fact that we have 2 GP deceased, 1 frail. The functional one is incredibly fit. And the only GP available. There is no enthusiasm to do things with my DS - who is a joy… and this is the only GP experience they will have this is frustrating….

As I said this GP received after school CC from family 5 days per week plus an overnight - this advantaged them and enabled them to work and build the pension they now enjoy. But they do not care about what happens to us.

It’s a personal thing but for myself I hope to be engaged with my GC’s lives and supportive to their parents so they all have a brighter outlook - given the opportunity and considering the shitty experience I have had.

I would love to do childcare but dd lives in another part of UK and I'm still working. If she lived locally I would be doing some.

With us, my parents made an offer rather than me asking. Then, when we were expecting the second, they asked to reduce their commitment from one day a week to once a fortnight and that threw me a bit as it meant extra childcare costs when I'd already changed my working hours based on the previous agreement we'd but ultimately I didn't question it just worked around it because it's their retirement and I don't expect them to do anything - any time is a bonus.
I would say don't mention it until the conversation comes up because it might sound aggressive to say you're not doing it before you've even been asked if you'd like to

As a parent who doesn’t get any help, I find it heartbreaking. I don’t think there should be any expectation for regular childcare but I find it very sad when grandparents don’t want to help at all. We have two sets of healthy grandparents. One set see dc once a year at Christmas when we visit them. They have never visited our house. They have never even seen where we live. They live just over an hours drive away. The other set are a five minute drive but we only see them once every three weeks or so when we visit them. They love seeing photos of the grandchildren and showing their friends but have absolutely no interest in seeing them without us present to mind the kids. I find it very hard to come to terms with and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully forgive either set for their lack of interest. As I say no expectation of regular childcare but an offer to babysit for an hour when we’re really stuck or even just once collecting the dc from school (as they would love that so much) would mean the world.

I understand you're disappointed. Maybe because that GP had so much help, they have no clue what it is like to not have it? They don't have any obligation to be the kind of GP you want them to be but I get it's disappointing, even accepting that. It is their loss.

I tend to be very supportive of other people but I have come to finally learn that it is okay to say no and that I need to take great care to ensure I don't start pouring from an empty cup. I am going to have to keep going for the long haul, so it's important that I have strong boundaries and look after myself. Even if not for myself, I need to do that for those I care for. That means I will not be available for huge amounts of childcare unless exceptional circumstances require it.

I know of a situation, (children in teens now), but one set of grandparents made it clear from the start that they would not be offering help, or it being taken for granted that they would mind the children e.g when the mother returned to work. They lived pretty much next door so probably felt it best to make sure there were no expectations from day one.

OP, I know you have said you are not in that position just now where you have to decide this/ make it clear but it's important to be clear in your own mind if/ when the time comes.
For some people, it's like a new lease of life, for others it's absolutely not what they wanted or planned for. And that is perfectly fine too, imo.

I think I would do what my DM did for her older grandchildren in that I would take them for a time period in the holidays once they are in nursery/school and be as available as possible for emergencies/illnesses and have them for the occasional weekend etc prior to that but not to do regular child care. Don't get me wrong, I would always help if my children were in dire straits, but I wouldn't want to be the planned solution for childcare. Maybe I'll change my mind if I ever have grandchildren.

We never had any care really as by the time my DC were born my DM was already elderly, not local and all other GPs had passed away. My Dc are also very close in age and therefore a bigger handful than average. We also had our DC as older parents so we are approaching retirement in the next year or two and our DC are only just out of their teens and still students. Realistically we could be well into our 70s before or if any babies arrive.

I would hope I've raised my DC not to expect such things from people and therefore they wouldn't have expectations. I love my DC and would do virtually anything for them but they are not greedy and are appreciative. I don't think they would be offended by an honest conversation. Not wanting to provide childcare doesn't mean you don't love the GC or DC.

I find most of these responses quite cold, and really not reflective of my (or my friends) real life situation. My own parents looked at DH and I as if we were mad when we started chatting about nurseries for our eldest and stated in no uncertain terms that there was no way we were paying for childcare whilst they were around. I don't feel remotely guilty because it works both ways; we will be able to return the favour when they need help in their old age.

We offered a day a week with the first, but when the second arrived fairly soon afterwards we offered help with childcare costs instead - I know we were lucky to be able to do so. Childcare was never expected as a right though.

Other factors aside, younger parents may not realise how much more knackering looking after babies and small children often is, when you’re getting on a bit. I was 67 when first Gdc was born and TBH found one full day quite enough, especially since we don’t live round the corner so had to go the night before and stay over.
We still do emergencies and one-offs, though, and are happy to do it.

I don’t expect my parents to help with childcare however I have been hurt when they say “I’ve done my time” which insinuates that they almost didn’t enjoy even raising me and would hate to be involved with my children.

What I would love my parents to say is “we don’t want to do any regular childcare however i know how hard it is to be a parent so we would love to come up and watch the kids for a few hours while you go get lunch / dinner / coffee”

Offers to come watch the kids for a few hours would be amazing.

Mine did that about every 1-2 years.

No never had help. Mam expects to be waited on now. Sigh.
Think I would offer 1 day help. Im 50. Kids do tie you. My friend a granny son quite spoilt. Sometimes the more ya do. Im lucky no help needed now he 20. She came on his first hol. No babysitting offers!!

i guess that myself and siblings were never looked after by GPs so I didn't expect it either. I think looking at it from DH and I who are still working, we'd be looking forward to not being tied down to days or times to go on holiday etc. Apart from a couple of years when DH was a stay at home parent, we've managed everything ourselves and have been working for 40 plus years.

I'd want to do childcare because I wanted to, and I might want to, but I think it would lead to resentment if I felt obliged to do it on a weekly basis. So yes, to having them to allow their parents a break and yes to helping out financially if possible and yes to helping in the holidays which is where we struggled most.

*@namechangetheworld , how old are your parents? Childcare in (say) your early 50s is often a very different thing from when you’re pushing 70. An elder sister of mine who (voluntarily) did a lot in her early 50s freely admitted that it would have been way harder 15 or 20 years down the line. And she’s a relatively very fit person.

As for reciprocal help in old age, both that and regular childcare assumes that you’re all living fairly close - very often not the case. I never want elderly care from dds though! I’ve done a great deal of that myself - for both DM and FiL - and no way do I ever want to inflict that on dds - they’ll be busy enough with their own lives. I’d much rather pay for care if needed and 🤞we should be able to do so.

It’s more disgust than disappointment… it’s not that they are so old that to be involved would leave them “pouring from an empty cup”.

They are perfectly motivated to go on highly active holidays and have casual relationships with people 20yrs younger…. Plenty of energy!!

I am not particularly cool with my child and I suffering so they can “enforce their boundaries” to keep shagging about “for the long haul”….

Honestly there is some sort of misconception on this thread that anyone who is a grandparent is some some of hobbling about geriatric…. Most of them are perfectly capable until mid 70s/80s and it is pure self interest that prevents a contribution to the family.

As another poster said - it is not the lack of help that is hurtful but the lack of interest and care.

My friend went through various mc and then IVF cycles with her parents and in-laws wanting dgc. She never wanted kids as her career wasn't normal. Now she has given birth and is going back to work in September and 3 days a week her own mum and 2 days a week her in-laws will take the baby. Once the baby reaches 18 months, the baby will go to nursery full time till 6pm so this arrangement is only for 6-7 months. This baby was well wanted by the grandparents as it's the first dgc for both sets of parents.

My own mum said she won't look after my dc and not to expect any full time babysitting whereas my in laws were keen and even offered full time babysitting. But now it's only been my mum who occasionally asks to look after dc so I can run errands and she goes above and beyond for my dc and my in-laws on the other hand want to be involved with everything including holidays but only if I'm present so I can look after my own child. We were on holiday once with my mum and in-laws, DH, dc and I and the only time I was able to go for a swim was when DH took dc or my mum. Mind you I was with dc all the time anyway so it wasn't like I was creating a timetable where each person takes dc for 2-3 hours where I can have the whole holiday to myself. My in laws were no where to be seen throughout and the dynamic of the holiday quickly changed as my mum got annoyed and didn't want to be with them so she also offered babysitting in the evenings so me and dh can go out for evening meals where this time my in laws would crawl out from their sun beds wanting to be together in the evenings.

Later I decided to stay in the hotel and either eat there with my mum or order room service as I felt bad. Not once have they offered to mind dc to give DH and I a chance to do a date night or swim together during the day and before going on holiday they were saying they would and that they've already been on several holidays prior to this one. They were also saying this holiday was a chance to bond with dc and spend time with us which turned out to be total bollocks. Now they were asking again to come this summer and I declined saying I need a holiday so therefore I have arranged a babysitter in the hotel and will take my mum only as a 'thank you' for the all the things she has done for dc. The hotel we are going to will also have a kids club and the baby sitter will be present monitoring dc where I can have a holiday as well as spend time with my mum as she's been through a lot health wise and mentally by being backstabbed by her own dear siblings.

I’m not sure you realise how lucky you are.

Yes you lucky if you get good help. But most of us have to manage. !!

My ILs seldom even babysat my kids but I had no issue with them not offering structured childcare but financially and in every other way we had a hard few years with next to no free time. Our choice to have them I know. Now FiL is very ill and needs a high level of care. MiL wants us to reduce hours to be part of his care package and give her ‘some time off’. That’s a no from me.

This makes me feel sick